OSD just told DH that she is pregnant with second child...
I cannot even feel interested or happy. Another child that I will never be involved with. OSD is banned from my home along with her two sisters. She doesn't understand why she is banned, why she is lumped in with the others who directly attacked me last spring. But she posted on her Dad's Facebook after that time ( on my birthday actually) a comment about just noticing that I had defriended her and not knowing why cause she had not done anything. Then proceeded to comment that she had never liked me. All this on the public wall. DH only had about four friends at this time but they included his dad who would have seen the comments. This was not really news to me that she didnt like me as her actions from when I first met her showed as much. But was confirmation that I had done the right thing to block and ban her along with the rest.
Her due date is next June. My YS is getting married in early July.
I was just wanting to get to the end of this horrible year and start over. Now DH will have this new GC coming along. Not that he knows the one that is almost two now.
It just feels so sad to be hated by DH's daughters. The other two still are saying sometimes that he should divorce me and chose them. I have no contact with them. I see the texts sometimes. I don't need you guys here telling me it is wrong to keep looking. I know it is. For now I just feel better finding out how things are with them because DH has not stood up to them and for his marriage. If he had it would have never gotton to this point.
Even before the train wreck that happened this year the times I was in the company of his daughters it was as if I was invisible. They never spent any time with us , they constantly talked only about themselves or their BM. I have had more stimulating conversations with my friends two year old who doesn't talk yet!
So I should feel lucky to not have to be around them anymore. But overall I just feel sad to still be the target of them talking against me to DH.
Some days I just want to buy an RV and take off for parts unknown with my dog. Does the pain go away? Does it dull with time? How can it when the scab of the past hurts keeps getting ripped off with no time to heal between wounds to the heart?
I am trying, really I am. I am going to a counselor, I am decorating the house, paid my tuition for the next semester (art classes), making plans to see my children and GD2 this weekend for her birthday and our Christmas together at my DD & SIL. But the time will come and go so fast and the feeling of detachment and emptiness will still be in my heart. The inner joy and peace that I once felt is gone. Will it come back?
I know I am depressed, I know it is situational.
I just read so many stories on here and wonder why this had to be what my life with DH has become.
At this point if something happened to him I would not even call the bit$&s. His parents would have to call them. And I never would want them around me with their nastiness. We had a good life before they started all their carp. Five and a half years that he would not have had without the gift of life transplant. Now it is all just stress. He is not taking care of his health, is overworking himself and mostly I think because of all the stress they have heaped on him. They never ever ask him " how are you Dad?". Yet he listens to their crap and lies and abuse of his marriage. I am so angry at him. I am angry at myself for not taking a stronger stand against the MSD when she moved into my house for five weeks and started all this hell. I should have booted her shit out sooner, but I didn't because DH was trying to 'help' her get back on her feet. My counselor says not to 'should' on myself.
How to handle the sadness, depression, apathy, detachment, trama ( having nightmares again- dread of the holiday drama bringing it on most likely), and anger. And the continuing cycle of all of the above. Yes, everyone says to disengage. But that doesn't really stop the pain, if it did then this forum would not have so many repeat posters who have been in these situations for years.
I read one today that talked about what would Jesus do. That was a good post, it helped get me going today.
So maybe that is the answer... Focus on the good in life instead of the bad and the evil ones.
Ok. Long enough.
Sorry so down tonight.
Hope all who come to this forum may find some comfort.
You are not alone. It does
You are not alone. It does get better. It wouldn't matter if you were Mother Teresa , they are going to hate you.
First of all, just accept that. Quit trying to reason in your head the "whys" because there are no answers.
Baby next year? Not yours, what if there was no baby next year? Same results.
There are dozens of Steps on this site with this same problem. It is here to reinforce what we have to learn to accept.
I spent so many sleepless nights, nightmares, crying , depression, all the above that you have written and guess what? I just wasted 8 years of my life and nothing changed.
You are the only one who can change this dynamic.
Hugs and know alot of people on this site really do care. Take it from one who can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel!
For many of us on this site,
For many of us on this site, life has been a huge life lesson on how to deal with our disapointments of life with the steps. Some of us came into the situation with high hopes of being the exception and thinking that through our efforts everyone would develope into our image of "one happy, closeknit family." We may think that by using the same rules and expectations of our steps that we use when making decisions about our own children will show that we are not being partial to one side or the other. We may think it is showing a sense of fairness. Then we are shocked to find we are accused of everything from being mean to the 'You hate my kids syndrone" Often times from not only the steps but also from dad.
Continue with your counselor,because in time you will learn the skills needed to realize and accept that DH's other family is not your problem. You will learn to set your boundries with them just as you learn to set boundries with others . If DH chooses to be mistreated or taken advantage of, then you stand back and allow it because it is his responsibility to set his boundries. You speak up LOUDLY when it crosses your boundries and concerns your finances, your efforts, your time and your belongings.
I have found that the sleepless nights, the anger, the hurt all does eventually lessen and go away over time. I think we all have had "friends " in our life that really let us down. Our image of them in the beginning turned out to be very different after we find out how much they may have mistreated, abused or how easily they turned on us. For myself , I have to admit that I spent many sleepless nights questioning how I could have been so foolish to believe I was of any importance in their life. And in the end I would accept these were people I should eliminate from my circle of friendships.
It hurts when you discover your "good friend" was not what you thought, but your partner is the one you can vent to. He is the one who will provde the shoulder to lean on. There is empathy and a feeling that someone has your back when you make that decision to cut the ties with this person.
When this situation happens with his family members, it will be different. Seldom will he be able to accept your feelings as just venting. He will see it as your visious attack on his children. He will not leave you with his feelings of empathy or having your back when you decide to withdraw from the steps. He will see it as a slight towards them. Understanding often does not come from him but from your peers on sites like step talk. It also comes from your counslor and your friends and family, but not his,
The holiday's can be difficult to get through especially if you had once had visions of being the "extended happy family" Your expectations were crushed and the reality is very different. It hurts. This is just one of the many situations when you realize it is a waste to invest in one area {the steps} and so you stop. Then you invest in a better choice. {your own children} Does this sound a little like playing the stock market?
I could have written this -
I could have written this - except insert "Sainted Step Son" for SD. I realized that I'm ALMOST as upset with my husband for allowing the SSS to continue his garbage mouth as I am at the SS and his wife for heaping the garbage. I had to finally reach the point where I have ABSOLUTELY NO EXPECTATIONS that it will change. Once I stopped expecting any sort of common decency from them, "divorced" them in my mind and told my husband they are no longer welcome in our home, I felt better.
Yes, they still try their petty little things to get on my nerves, but my Minister daughter told me two things that helped:
1 - God always has a Plan B (my time will come)
2 - If everyone practiced "an eye for an eye", the whole world would be blind. (no reciprocation)
Good thing I had that info before the Christmas card arrived the other day....addressed JUST to my husband.
I agree with so much of what
I agree with so much of what has been written. What I struggle with the very most is not his kids, but my SO himself. That's what's been the hardest. I could happily live without SK's the rest of my life in complete bliss. But we never have the chance to fully disengage because we hear about them, we know they are there, we know our SO's are off spending time with them and delighting in their presence. I am constantly saying to myself, "Why am I the only one who sees this behaviour? Why is SO so blind" and then it leads me to think I must just be crazy.
The most painful part is the disconnection it creates between SO and me. Whenever he is with them, he is living another life, like so many people have said, like they are off having an affair that will just never end!!!
I seriously wonder why I stay knowing there will never be an end to their existence...it sucks!!
CandyLou, that is such a good
CandyLou, that is such a good point. I am sure many readers felt better after they just read that statement because they feel the same way.
We are not crazy!!!! but we sure feel that way.
Thanks Towanda. I am the type
Thanks Towanda. I am the type of person that does not like denial, if something strange is going on, I notice it, I like to talk about it, debrief it and move on. I remember when I was with my ex, we would be at his parents and ex-FIL used to have these huge fights with exSIL. Then we would get in the car and exDH wouldn't say anything! I would say, "did you notice..." and he would say "um, no..." and I would be like, "What? Am I crazy?" And honestly all I need in that moment is validation.
So sometimes with SO in our current situation, just to hear him say, "It's not right what my kids do. It has to stop" or just words to that effect is all I need to hear. Just to know that SO is aware of the situation, and validates my experience. He doesn't have to agree, but just try to have empathy for what I am going through.
Empathy doesn't come easily for everyone I guess...