New here and wanted to say Hello
Hi, I wanted to say hello and say that I have been reading these posts on this forum and found everyone to be so supportive and to say that I can identify with so many of the stories/issues. I married my husband 6 years ago after dating for 2 years. He has one BS with a HC ex. I have one BS with an ex who supports and parents with me and likes my husband etc. No issues from my family or ex. My husband raised his BS on his own (with the help of his parents, my inlaws) since he was 3 years old because HCBM took off and left them both and the child never wanted much if anything to do with his mother. He would visit with his aunt, cousins and grandmother on the HCBM side of the family and little did we know but they were just as nuts at BM and would pump him for info about us, my son, anything they could. They live only a couple miles down the road so he was able to visit anytime. I treated him the same as my son. One never received a gift or soemthing without the other one receiving something also. When he was 16 he became more and more unruly and left as he was well informed that he did not have to live with us anymore and could make up his own mind. He moved in with aunt, cousins and grandmother. He could not move in with HCBM because she has remarried and her husband and this son do not get along at all. He will not even visit his mother's house. All visits are done at the aunt/grandmother's house. Anyways, he was gone for 2 weeks then moved back with us. Almost a year later, he did the same thing again. He came back but only after approx 5 months because I refused to let him move full time back in because he was becoming more verbally and somewhat physically abusive (in his father's face, pushing, threatening etc.) I finally agreed he could move back, full time, after 5 months (because of pressure from in-laws and husband) and of course they (HCBM's family) worked on him, via texts etc and he became a bully in the house, refusing to do anything, stomping around, being rude etc. I had pretty much dis-engaged from anything to do with him during the last time he moved home and I don't think he liked it at all. It all came to a head one year ago just before he turned 18 and he left and never has come back. I told him the night he left that if he ever stepped foot on this property again I would call the police and have him charged. He never has come back. He pushed his father in the yard that day, called me the C word several times etc and threatened to beat up my son. I will not allow him back have blocked my FB, cell phone everything. My husband loves his son but understands my position and supports it. The issue I have is my in-laws (husband's parents) who feel sorry for him and think that I am being a bitch and that I should forgive and forget. Not happening. The continually call my husband and go on and on about the "poor boy" and how sorry they feel for him. My father-in-law not longer speaks to me. Which pisses me off because they know what he did and how abusive he was and I am supoosed to take it and put my own son at risk? No, not happening. I refused to attend Christmas at their house because my SS was invited. My husband was upset but supported me and stayed home with me (my son spends Christmas with his father). My SS thought he had the world by the tail the day he left. He was going to finish high school, go to college, play college football, get his own place and life was going to be great. We refused to sign any student loan papers because we knew we would be stuck paying when he defaulted. Now, one year later, he dropped out of college after 3 months, was kicked off the football team because of poor grades, has no steady work because he quits when things don't go right, has to give up appartment and is moving back to aunt/grandmother's house. Which puts him back in close proximity to our family home and having to meet him on the road etc. I don't want to see him. Ever. Again. I'm sorry to vent, and very sorry for the long introduction lol.
I guess I would like some affirmation that I have done the right thing. I know my husband is upset but does not hold anything against me, as he understands my position and agrees with it. However he does wish his family back together and I can't give that to him. I can't bring myself to even want to try nor does his son want anything more to do with me either. I avoid the in-laws now because they have chosen to side with stepson and that is fine too. Although this hurts my husband also and I hate hurting him. As for me, the daily anxiety of having him here is gone. I just can't seem to get over the anger I have even when I hear his name or see his car drive by. When does that go away? How do I get over hoping that things continue not to go well for him (and that sounds bad, I know, but he deserves some comeuppance if you know what I mean...anyways, that is my story. I'm glad to be here 
Welcome to the site!
Sadly your story is not that uncommon - ie out of control step kids who physically or verbally attack bio or step parent, forcing a decision about living arrangements. I can understand why you are still angry and you have very much done the right thing. Personally I think it is better to have no relationship at all with someone than one in which there is such abuse. It is a pity that your DH's family is siding with the boy - but I imagine that eventually his out of control aggressive behaviour will inevitably alienate them too - it's only a matter of time as he won't be able to control himself there, any more than he could at your place. If your DH wants to have a relationship with his son, outside your home, then I don't see why he can't - but if I were you I'd not have him back in your house again either.
Have you checked out the Disengagement section?
I'd encourage you to do so. You are essentially disengaged from your SS now but you may need to practice fine-tuning it for the long run.
I would not feel any guilt about "hurting" your husband. Your first responsibility is to yourself - do not allow yourself to be abused by anyone. Your husband can have a relationship with his son but it will be outside of your home and away from you. Same goes with your ILs. They can invite whomever they want to their home for holidays. Doesn't mean you have to go if SS is there. Your DH must learn how to compartmentalize his life just as you need to disengage from your SS.
One thing I would caution about is the anger you are feeling towards SS. It's understandable to feel that way for awhile and to even have flare-ups of it from time to time. But if you find yourself obsessing about it daily and loooong after you no longer have contact with SS, then you should consider that unhealthy.
There are some people on here who ruminate daily and constantly go over the same skid incidents from years ago even though they no longer have direct contact with those skids and in some cases are divorced or separated. They let it seep into their daily life and can't seem to shake it no matter how much time passes and how much advice they are given. They can't even contribute with advice to others on here, since they are still so focused on their own issues and are constantly seeking validation. IMO, that's a sign of obsessiveness on the order which needs professional assistance. Don't let yourself fall into that trap.
On the other hand, there are members here who have "been there, done that" and remain on here to offer their words of wisdom to others. Like many, I've found lots of value from those who helpfully turn their focus to others and give them assistance.
You have done nothing wrong.
You have done nothing wrong. Actually, you have done nothing, at all, his son got himself into this position and anybody who feels sorry for him is free to take him in and put up with his abuse.
It's too bad the in-laws live so close.
As far as when will your anger go away, that is hard to answer. It may never completely go away but hopefully you can get to a point where you don't think about it so much. It's harder with him being in the vicinity.
Try to let it go as much as you can, it does more damage to you than it does to him. Easier said than done, though. At least he is out of your home.
Paragraphs! You will get a
Paragraphs! You will get a bigger audience to read your posts if you use them.
You absolutely did do the
You absolutely did do the right thing. That your FIL is pitching a fit about the poor little violent SS tells all you need to know about that stage of that shallow and polluted gene pool.
It is a great thing that your DH has your back and that the two of you together are equity life partners standing against toxic. Even when that toxic is your DH's father and his own spawn.
Take care of you and protect your own son from this shit show.