Need advice regarding girlfriends' kids
I'm new to this forum, I apologize in advance if this is in the wrong area of this forum. I really need some outside input on this because I'm at the point where I just want to be happy. I'm very uncertain about my future in this relationship.
I realize im not perfect but...
Close to one year ago I reconnected with this woman my age and fell in love with her before I got to know her children and current housing situation. She's a really great lady and by herself we get along great. However it rings true that you don't really know someone until you live with them.
She has two children, a 16 year old daughter and 19 year old son. Her son and daughter still live at home. She also has her sister living in with her for the last 8+ years that pays nothing and does very little to contribute to the household. She somehow just freeloads and gets away with it. The children, (and yes I call them both children because that's really what they are) look to her sister, their aunt, and see how she's living her life and I think it's rubbing off on the kids. It's disgusting...
The kids don't want to do anything but stay inside all day and play video games, and they can have a bunch of guests their ages over, some are under 18 that the boy invites over, and do only god knows what in their bedrooms. When they do a chor, its as fast as they can and it's never fully done, most of the time their tasks never get finished. Her son claims to be mental, and can't hold a job. He's extremely overly dramatic and disrupts the household on a daily basis, although he can stay up all night and play games, have friends over and complicate everything. He argues on games all day and night long and stirs up drama. He boasts about staying awake all day occastionally like that's a huge thing for him. He insists on painting his fingernails and flaunting it to everybody, knowing it causes issues with his family. He won't lift a finger to do anything without an argument. When he goes to see about a job, he talks his way out of it, tells them he can't, or won't do, or is afraid to do what they do at any given business he demands weekends off during the interview. He has no plan, and probably at this rate will live with his mother forever. He's tried to get help for his mental state in the past but is lazy about it, it never goes anywhere. He made the comment that he "just wants to be on pills" and the daughter is looking towards her brother and how he operates, shes turning into him, now she wants pills. Both of them spend all day making messes in the bathroom and kitchen and won't clean up after themselves. Any cleaning that gets done I have to do and it's not clean for long. The aunt leaves pools of water on the counter tops for someone else to clean up, shes 31 years old, roughly about 10 years younger than us.
The children both claim to be homosexual, and being from a Christian background I try not to judge people but I don't want to hear this sort of thing 24/7. He sits around and tells everyone how he "likes penis" Of course the friends they bring over are Goth type, gay shady type people that use drugs, vape and whatever else we don't know about. I'm no die hard Christian, but was raised with certain morals and I don't shove it down peoples throats. My girlfriend insists on paying all the bills, the money I give her goes on fast food to feed her ungreatful children and then complains she has no money. I have no say whatsoever in this household. I can't stop anything from happening.
I'm work minded. I like to work hard and I need rest at the end of the day, it seems like her kids' brains don't wake up until bed time, they are up all night with loud TV's and music. On the weekends the guests they have over are so loud I can't sleep. Summer is coming and it's going to be like that all summer, even though the boy isn't even in school anymore. When I say something to them it falls on deaf ears and the noise gets louder. When I complain to my girlfriend, she wants to act like it doesn't exist because she doesn't want to deal with it. I think she's scared of what her son might do and how he will act if she strips him of his video games and phone. He has her trained well is what I'm seeing. I'm made to feel that I'm the one that needs to change... I'm the issue...
After almost a year, nothing has changed. Everyone is gaining weight and becoming even slower, lazier. Recently the kids were arguing about "black out curtains" they want in their rooms to keep the light out.... I never even knew what they were... I'm assuming so they can promote sleeping all day. I love to be outside, but going somewhere with these young people is always a "battle" and the day is ruined.
But I love my girlfriend! I always will. She thinks I gave up my apartment but I still have it because I'm so unsure of my future under her roof. We can't hardly talk about anything pertaining to her kids, she feels like "I'm attacking her" and she cries, usually within a few minutes of me bringing something up. it's her way of shutting me down and I'm sick to death of it. We have grown so close, but with everyone else in the house, no privacy, and it doesn't seem like anyone is doing anything to better themselves. They don't see things as problems because nobody pays a dime for anything, they don't understand what it means so earn a living. I pitch in on bills and the internet is so busy I can't even use it because of all the devices connected to it. I'm not allowed access to the internet router. My girlfriend changed the password once to boot everyone off, her sister reset the router and locked everyone out of it because "she's in a long term relationship, and has to have internet" but yet pays nothing for it! It's twightlight zone shit! I've never seen anyone so entitled.
I'm sorry if I seem like I'm one sided or judgemental but I've never experienced this level of disfunction and disrespect before in my life. But I say again, I love her.... with all my heart, but I'm not happy in this situtation. I don't think anything is going to change. I'm guilt tripped into being a snowflake that pretends nothing is wrong.
The last week I haven't stayed there because I don't get the rest I need. Recently she brought up marrage and possibly having another child.... I'm not interested in this right now... lol
Please tell me what you would do.... and I'm being 100% serious. I need to hear it. Should I cut my losses and run like the wind or stay and try to work things out...? which I'm not sure anything will be worked out before I die, progress is so slow moving there...
Thanks for hearing me out... I'm out of options and I don't have many people I can talk to about this sort of thing.
Run. Run like the wind. She
Run. Run like the wind. She will not change because you get married or because you have a child together. The cycle of dysfunction will just repeat. You should move back into your apartment at the very least. Maybe that will be a wake up call and she will try and work to address some of these issues, but these dynamics are decades and decades in the making. Even if she tried it would be years of practice and reframing and therapy for her to learn to set boundaries and get her kids to a place where they are more functional. I doubt you want to deal with that in the same home. And you may not wanna deal with it at all. But for your own sanity, get out of that house.
You are never going to be
You are never going to be able to change any of this because they are way too comfortable and they've never been held accountable. Your gf is reaping what she's sown... Why would any of them change when your gf is paying absolutely everything for them?
There are only two tolerable options open to you, either have your own place and continue dating but avoid her place like the plague, or RUN!!!
I'd go for the latter, personally.
I will happily tell you what
I will happily tell you what I'd do. I'd be back in my apartment so fast the girlfriend's head would spin. If she's really all that, you could continue to date her with the idea that when her kids and her sister launch, the two of you could live together again. However, I'd have a reasonable time limit for that in mind (2-3 years, when the youngest finishes high school), as I suspect that the kids and the sister won't be launching anytime in the next decade or more. If she's not interested in continuing to date (or you don't want to do that while living apart), then cut your losses. This situation isn't going to get better and no one in their rght mind wants to live like this.
Yup, I'm with ndc. Move back
Yup, I'm with ndc. Move back to your place, date, and tell her you will consider living with her again when her sister and son are launched, and the other kid is on a good launch path.
And please, please mind your birth control so you don't end up with a baby that ties you two together. I'm not sure what you exactly love about her (you didn't say), but it might not forever outweigh all of her awful parenting and her freeloading sister.
I think moving back to your
I think moving back to your own space is definitely the way to go. If you choose to continue to date this woman.. even exclusively.. that is your choice. But, understand that for her.. her kids and sister are going to be a package deal so if you want a future where you can live together as a couple. that likely will not happen.
If that is too many people in the relationship for you.. I don't think anyone would blame you for completely walking away.
So much dysfunction. SS and
So much dysfunction. SS and the sister have a nice, free ride when they should be out on their own, and the younger SD is following in their footsteps. So that's three people working against your desire for a peaceful life with your SO. Does your SO recognize that her son isn't a functioning adult, her daughter is going down that same path, and the sister is a freeloader? If so, she's not been willing to do anything about it so far even knowing tha tyou are unhappy. And if she doesn't see it, then that's willful blindness on her part.
Get back to your own place. Regain your sanity and move on. Tell her to call you when the adults are moved out and there is a launch plan in place for the youngest.
Welcome to dysfunctional SK and SO
Time to make a exit plan. Thing are not going to change for the good. All that will happen is you will get some SO freeloads moving in. So you can support them all.
leave them to there dysfunctions relationship.
being homosexual doesn't mean you are a freeloader, most homosexual work and support themselves.
I think you know the answer
Sir, It seems time to cut your losses. You are not married and you have a place to go. Your girlfriend is a massive enabler and wants everyone, including you, to be dependant on her. Nothing will change unless she changes and how likely is that...given you can't even discuss the issues without her breaking down and crying. By the way, that is just more controlling behaviour on her part. Leave this woman and her "kidults" to sort out their lives...there are loads of adults out there to date.
I agree with other posters...Runnnn
Move back into your apartment. Love is not the only thing in a relationship, there is so much more to it. She holds no respect towards you, with allowing her feral skids & sister to do whatever they want and not get jobs.Over time your love for her will turn into resentment and disgust.
So many red flags with her bringing up getting married and having another child: Whatever you do, DO NOT skimp on birth control, DO NOT let her tell you that she is on birth control and that you do not need to use any protection. You really don't want to have a child with this woman, she has shown you her parenting style or lacking of parenting.
Christopher Cross - Ride Like The Wind Lyrics
Gonna ride like the wind before I get old
It is the night
My body's weak
I'm on the run
No time to sleep
I've got to ride
Ride like the wind
To be free again
--------
Leave as fast as you can and if you don't wear a condom that you provide like the other posters stated.
Lifestyle compatibility as
Lifestyle compatibility as well as parental style compatibility (if you plan on having kids together) is as important as love in long term relationshps. Where there are gaps in compatability people in healthy relationships work together to find reasonable compromises.
Your desired lifestyle and your girlfriend's lifestyle are not compatible. You have different ideas about parenting styles. After a year of tyring to live together you two have been unable to work out reasonable compromises together that make you feel comfortable in the home.
This relationship is not going to improve. I would cut your losses and move out. You obviously had a gut feeling that it might not work out so you kept your old place (not sure why you kept that a secret - but the answer to that question is probably another reason why you two are not compatible).
... and ...condoms, I would probably even only use those with spermicide as well just to be doubly sure that you do not end up tied to this disfunction for any longer than you need to be.
Enjoy your peace and quiet.
Move the hell outta that
Move the hell outta that crazy and never even visit again. Cut bait. Love is not enough.
Thank you all!
It's just been so stressful on top of everything else. I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out of your day to give me sound advice and sound advice it is! It means so much to me and gives me a moment of clairity. I've never been in such a manipulative relationship in my life, nor have I ever been in one with such a connection, which I think is what confused me greatly. There is a lot more to a relationship than love.
As for the birth control, no worries here because the sex stopped a while ago, which she isn't happy about at all. I'm just not interested in it at all with the way I've been feeling. When I'm at that house it's not long I actually feel physically sick, nauseous. Even when it was going on, well I'll just say... for a lack of better term, there was no finish line... I do thank you all for caring enough to even mention this. No way do I want to be tied to that situation forever. At the begining I feel things were heavily sugar coated regarding the living situtation, which isn't suprising at all given the world we all currently live in.
I know for a fact I'm moving back to my apartment, in fact I'm already here. I think the best thing with her is to write her a letter on my thoughts and feelings because I'm not able to get it all out before she breaks down and starts crying. I'll probably even laminate the pages to protect it from her fake tears. I want you all to know I'm taking notes on the valuable advice I've been given... I must have had blinders on! lol
Thank you all so much, it means so much to me. Whoever is interested I will keep you posted in this thread.
I just can't think any of you enough! I'd tell you that I love you all but that would probably be werid!
Good Decision
Every relationship, even poor ones, are a learning experience. When its over you may want to do a deep dive to make sure you don't end up with a manipulator again.
Good luck!
I'll try keep mine short oops
I hope you don't even consider continuing to date this woman. The fact she is discussing a baby when she can't even drag her own kids up made me shudder.
Short story - my twin brother went through almost exact same situation, 2 nearly adult sds with all their boyfriends and entourage wrecking and eating the place out whilst he worked away.
Well he stupidly stayed, had the baby. Without his supervision she'd end up exactly the same as her older sisters. He did eventually leave when she was 12. He had his bd most of time, because bm was too inept a mother. On the one occasion he had to work away a bit bm rings him that she thinks bd is in some kind of shock feeling her head is on fire... Turns out she's got lice so bad, I noticed because she hasn't washed or brushed her hair properly that 3 weeks
This lady would be a terrible wife and and a worse mother to your own children. But that's just imho
Sounds like
Maybe she's looking for someone to help finance all the moochers. Move out n date her. Tell her maybe you can try living together once her house is empty of other ppl so you can build "your" life together.
Great advice here. Good thing
Great advice here. Good thing you kept your apartment.