SD wasn't just rude to you, she really doesn't want DH around either.
But DH doesn't want to see that he is being abused by SD and so, he won't.
You are more than justified in refusing to watch the abuse continue or in being a part of it yourself.
It sounds like they are pretty far away and you can just say "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

I wish I had some soothing words of advice, but I don't. It's obvious, from your description of events after the weddung (that was a typo,but it may be entirely appropriate so I'll leave it), that she's not interested in having a relationship with you or her father. Hang in there until it's obvious to your DH too.

IMHO your sd deliberately set you guys up. She deliberately had MOM & dad walk her down the isle. She did not REALLY want to dance with her dad and she did not want to see you day 1 or day 2 AND she ungratefully accepted you guys buying breakfast for everyone and probably hoped you would miss your flight.

You will always look like the bad guy. This is something that I have learned the hard way. I have learned NOT to mention the skids to dh as he will do one of three things. he will 1)defend skids, 2)make excuses for skids, or 3)throw me under the bus.

Please disengage. Your sd is CALCULATING! She planned each rude event that happened and your dh wears the step family blinders that blind him to everything his adult daughter does but allows him to focus on everything YOU say or do. Since he does not see what SD is really doing he ONLY see's a wife who is either jealous or insecure. You have to remove yourself from their crazy.

As a stepmom you will find that no matter what, you are EASY to blame. The skids blame you, your dh will blame you and his family & friends will blame you. Again I say disengage!

You may not like how your sd treats your dh but there is NOTHING you can do about it. You can't protect him and he wont protect you. (at least that has been my experience).

I have found that when I point something out about skids my dh will go into auto pilot of (defend, make excuses, or throw me under the bus). If I say nothing he seems to come to the conclusion that I was trying to point out in the first place.

I have also found that no matter how much time has gone by that I have held my tongue, I can not say anything. I fall off the wagon every once in awhile and have regretted it every time.

((((hugs)))))

I agree that disengagement is your best strategy.

The first thing you need to do is stop referring to the SD's child as "our" grandbaby. Sorry, but that child is not your grandchild and based on this toxic situation, you will never be accepted as a grandmother. Don't set yourself up for heartache by planning, thinking or expecting to have that kind of relationship with this child or any other children from your SD. It may be hurtful to hear but it's true. Change your mindset to think of gskids like you would a distant relative's kids. Don't wast emotional energy on them, as you will assuredly be disappointed at the lack of response. Stop think about, buying for, making thoughtful gifts, etc. this baby - you will only get disappointment and hurt feelings as a response. Leave that up to your DH; he can go out and buy a card and send a check at gift-giving occasions. You stay out of it.

The second issue is with your DH. He is willing to take mistreatment from his DD just to maintain any semblance of a relationship with her. Whether it's giving her money, ignoring her insults, or defending her actions - he's all-in when it comes to her. Don't think you will ever change that. He will always be defensive of her so anything you say against her can and will be used against YOU. So avoid discussing her at all costs. Disengage. He can't accuse you of being negative if you don't say anything about SD. If he tries to talk about her, don't respond and change the subject.

Thankfully it appears as though you live some distance away. At least it keeps this from being in your backyard on a daily basis. Read through the forums (including the new section here on ST on Disengagement) and start practicing it immediately. Good luck!

I have a SD wedding coming up soon, and I thoroughly plan to take my own advice (and that of other wise folks here) during the event just to keep my sanity.

Your SD said she wanted to put the past behind, asked for $, then blew you guys off. That's not you feeling insecure; that's you being pissed off because you feel taken advantage of - because you were.

Apparently your DH is a Chump Daddy, like mine, who is happy to settle for crumbs from his little princess. This is a dynamic you want to stay far away from. For one thing, you want your peace. And SD will show her true colors again soon unless there is something daddy can do for her.

Sounds just like OSD so all I have to offer you is a (((Hug)))

"Ignore the whore" - you really need to do more than just disengage. She should just be dead to you. To me disengagement is not caring how a person is getting along in life, not accepting how a child is raised, etc.

This is a situation that really requires just erasing her from your life. Be civil and polite if you accidentally cross her path - but take active actions to minimize the possibilities of that happening. You do not talk to her or about her.

This means that you don't waste your time telling others what a disgusting POS she is (except here where it's safe to vent). You don't justify not having anything to do with her to your DH by trying to get him to "see" what she's done wrong. You refuse to discuss her with your DH. And of course you block her via every way possible. She just becomes someone you used to know. That now no longer exists in your world.

Let your DH see her as he wishes (as long as he is not cancelling plans with you), but don't spend any effort trying to get him to see her or to call her, etc.

Please don't let yourself get sucked into the "grandchild" wars. Yes babies are adorable, lovable, and sweet as can be. But find another baby to love on. She will use this child as a weapon which is horrible for both you and the poor child.

My SS's GF threw a hissy fit because I would not let them use my vacation condo (after they'd ransacked our home) and told DH we couldn't see the grandchild. I did not care (no reaction from me at all), and when DH just ignored her SS called begging DH to come see the baby.

This really works.

It's not about insecurity and it's not even about being a step family. It's about her being rude and inconsiderate, and standing you and DH up several times. Not to mention, her manipulation for money.

Honestly, my own dad would want very little to do with me if I was such an a$$hole.

I think in a way that your relative may have been right in that you are insecure and are second guessing things and making this more personal than it probably really is.

The girl sounds like she is a selfish, self-centered twit. She is treating everyone (you, your DH and probably even her own mother though you don't hear that side of it) poorly. Her expectations that she can treat people like dirt and then expect them to jump right back into her pocket is that of a spoiled brat.

Her mom and dad may do this.. just in the same vein of a mom or dad always excusing their little darling's poor behavior... or the kid loving their bio parent no matter how poorly they are treated by them and shunning a stepparent.

I would personally disengage from the circus. Support your DH however you feel comfortable. Go or don't go to functions and let him figure out for himself when he has had enough of being her doormat.

Personally, I think that if you have been living together and have a mutual child, any money is exceptionally gracious.

Your SD is selfish and manipulative. It's hard for some men to see the ugly truth especially when it's their biological child. She's proven that she'll use her child for her gain and she will never appreciate what you do for her. So stop doing, don't ask about her and don't allow any mutual money to be spent on her.

You are not the one with the problem. Your DH has his balls in the purse of his toxic out of wedlock breeding deadbeat pay for my post spawning wedding idiot daughter and is blind to her crap.

Insecure? :? WTF is that about and what orifice of their body did your "close family member" pull that crap out of?

IMHO you are fine. It is your DH that has the issue. The SD... she is a write off. It is her child who unfortunately lost the parent lottery that I am most concerned about.

Good luck.

Your SD did almost the same thing before her wedding that the YSD monster I try to avoid like the dickens did before her royal wedding. YSD contacted me and my DH when starting to work on her wedding plans to say she realized we've had our differences; but wants to move forward. She even enlisted the help of her siblings to all of a sudden contact us (they rarely do), to make nice with us before the big blessed event. One even sent us a congratulations on our marriage years after our wedding. The same ones who told my DH he was out of his mind to get married, swore at DH and said him getting married disrespected his late wife and children. It was so obvious she was trying to prime DH for a cash donation for her wedding. Ugh!

Your SD is not only disrespectful to you; she is disrespectful to your DH. Hopefully, your DH will come out of his "my kids can do no wrong" fog and realize that he was used to get some wedding cash.

Don't worry, you do not have any problem with insecurity. It is perfectly normal to want you and your DH to be treated with respect.

Isn't is amazing how these adult skids use their weddings as a venue to enact their hateful antics? If your SD is anything like the adult steps I have, she will use the grandskids as pawn to try and manipulate your DH and will not allow you to go anywhere near the royal baby, because you are not family to them. That is what my DH's brood does, and it has backfired on them. Now, my DH has no respect for them and wants nothing to do with them including the gskids

Hope this helps.

Your SD is a user and totally manipulative. I would be mad too. Unfortunately your DH is a chump and has a soft spot for his daughter obviously. You don't have to buy into that bs. I would stay my happy, "insecure" LOL a$$ home next time. That poor grandchild of yours is going to be estranged from you both until they need something, then its lets play happy happy nicey nice. Its all a game and its too bad but it is what it is.

Never, ever even remotely take the advice of someone who is not a SP, and even if they are a SP, their step-situation can be very different from yours. This line is so-0-0 classic, "I've had a close family member tell me I have a problem with insecurity. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out where in this situation I've come across as insecure? I have absolutely no problem with my husband having a relationship with his daughter, I just choose not to be treated like sh*t whenever possible. And I certainly don't appreciate being blamed once again for someone else's bad behavior."

I'm glad you are wise enough to realize that you were not the one to be blamed here. I wish more SPs had that insight to realize that they matter and they do not have to take abuse from anyone in the SF dynamic. If your DH wants to see and have a relationship with his daughter and grand-child, fine, but you do not have to attend at all, if you so choose. You signed up to his wife. You did not sign up to be the family punching bag. What can happen is DH will go alone, and then without you there as the usual family scapegoat, they'll start going after him. He'll attend these events less and less over time, more than likely. Sure, they'll blame Evil SM for that. But, what do you care? Usually that title, Evil SM, just means that you are putting your foot down and setting boundaries. Something to be proud of. Just remember, at the end of the day, whatever relationship Dh and his children have is THEIR choice and THEIR burden to carry. It is not yours.