Moved back home, no job
I am so glad to find this site. I don't know what advice anyone can give, but I need to vent so badly... 22 year old ss just moved back in with homeless girlfriend and cat. She is lovely and hardworking. He sleeps in and putters around in his robe. They have no car, so she takes the bus and works 40+ hours a week at a grocery store. He takes two online classes and does not work. He is trying a raw food vegan lifestyle and makes girlfriend bring home enormous produce deliveries almost daily. he eats constantly and food preparation and consumption takes up the bulk of his existence. Has no plans to find a job and DH says that as long as he pays rent he is an adult and can do what he wants. He is using college fund from his grandparents to pay his nominal rent. He will have no classes in the summer, and I want him out. I am sad that the girlfriend will have to go as well, because I think she is using the cheap rent to save for a car and build a credit rating. SS is surly and hostile to me. DH thinks I nag him. I am sick of the freeloading (off her and us) and I can't vent to my husband because it is tearing us apart. SS does not use drugs (to my knowledge) and doesn't listen to loud music, he is just lazy and ALWAYS home and grazing. I am nitpicking here? He can stay if he works...
Did you have a say in his
Did you have a say in his moving in or was it thrown into your lap?
I think if he's paying rent and not trashing the house and you were in agreement in the beginning to allow them to stay, I'd let it go and completely ignore him. Disengage from everything SS. Enjoy the girlfriend. If SS is going out of his way to be nasty to you, I'd definitely bring that issue up with DH.
Why is your DH allowing his
Why is your DH allowing his son to be such a loser???
kick him out and let the girl stay.
that was my first thought,
DH says that as long as he
DH says that as long as he pays rent he is an adult and can do what he wants.
If he is such an adult, he can get his own place. And no, when you are leaching off of somebody else, in THEIR home, you can not just "do what you want".
What does the GF see in this loser?
This is why I would never let my adult SD live with us. It would be hell getting her out.
Oh surfermom I feel your
Oh surfermom I feel your pain. I've been in a similar situation with a 30 yr old single stepson. I let DH know that I would not put up with that kind of behavior from my own adult children and will not put up with it from his either. The fact is that you live there too, you have a say in what goes on under your roof. Personally I would set a short deadline to have them out by. SS can use his college fund to pay rent SOMEWHERE ELSE! If you do take this route then know there will be fighting, you will be the bad guy, the evil uncaring bitch and so on but it is worth it to have peace in YOUR home.
My 20 yr old DD knows that she can come home but she will pay a fair rent, share of the utilities, her own food, clean up after herself, no other people living with her, no drinking, drugs, etc. Funny that she hasn't taken me up on my offer and is off working and living with friends.
Do not take the backseat to your stepson! I did this and played the doormat for too long. You may think your husband loves and respects you for tolerating this situation but it's just the opposite.
Here's what a young adult
Here's what a young adult does: works full time, goes to school full time, or some combination of full and part time. Two classes a semester is not full time anything. A young adult also makes strides toward becoming independent and self sufficient. Your SS is doing none of those things.
And why not? Because your DH must get some personal gratification out of having him remain dependent. That is about DH and not SS. THAT is your issue. Why is DH ok with crippling his son? I was never able to have that kind of conversation with my DH without it going badly, but I think through counseling for himself, DH is beginning to see it. I finally just had to state my bottom line for my own sanity and happiness--DH can either stop enabling a grown man or he can go live with him instead of me. DH still struggles, but he's heard me and we're much better.
My DH might always struggle with this, and my SS is 30 now. Doesn't live with us thankfully, but still can't manage to keep a job or stay in school. I hate that I feel so cold toward SS, but my sympathy ran out a long time ago.
IF your DH thinks it's
IF your DH thinks it's perfectly fine for his son to use a hard working woman like your ss is than I would worry about my future with the dad.
This is absolutely not
This is absolutely not happening in my home. I have told my dh. When she was about 14 and I could see the way the wind was blowing (that she'd never get proper parenting nor be naturally ambitious or kind) I started telling my dh that the minute she turned 18 i was treating her like an adult. Which means I will have expectations for her like anybody else. I also told him I'm not putting up with unemployed adults in my house. If she was pleasant and hard working it would be a different story. But I know she will not be so NOT LIVING IN MY HOUSE.
I am so glad I started the conversation with DH years in advance because your story makes me sick. You should not have to live like this. Don't know how you're going to get yourself out of it at this point but I, personally, am militant about it at my house. You should be able to be, too. You're a grownup. You don't have to live like this.