Married SD coming to visit
After a 2 year relationship, we got married 7 months ago. Both SD & SS live 11 hrs away. Suddenly SD wants to either visit constantly, or wants us to visit her (wants Daddy to). When her husband doesn't make the trip she is very "clingy" to her dad (DH). Last visit she sat next to him on the sofa, leaning all over him like a child would do, then got the throw blanket to cover them both. He evidently didn't notice, but would NEVER speak against the princess. She come to visit, won't eat what I've planned, but cooks what SHE wants, leaving the mess for me. She won't discipline her 11 yr old son that prys & snoops in everything worse than a young child. She brings her stinky dog and leaves feeding bowls, etc when she goes home. I'm a nervous wreck at the thought of her and her misbehaved son to come. I'm contemplating having a talk with my husband about this. He is simply blind to the things she does. Last visit he was having a foot problem. In from where we live and kept trying to get him to go to an orthopedic after hours clinic. She then started asking, "Daddy, do you want ME to take you to the doctor"? He let ME TAKE HIM WHEN SHE GOT IN THE SHOWER! She is 36 yrs old and seems to have Daddy issues. Calls and text him non stop!
I think you can talk to him
I think you can talk to him about this OR disengage from the next trip and leave it up to him to see everything happening.
Don't plan any meals - he can do that. Lock away anything you don't want the GSK to get into. Don't clean up after the dog. Let them snuggle under the blanket together...
...and take pictures. Take pictures of them together, of the mess, of GSK sneaking into things. Heck, I'd leave something out that GSK doesn't need to see and let them find it (and either be so mortified that they never snoop again OR leave it for your DH to have to answer for).
Also, plan some activities for yourself. Maybe start a new yoga class that week she visits? Or plan a dinner or two with some friends?
Basically, put the problem squarely in DH's face. Let him see that hosting entitled guests isn't fun when he's the one having to clean up after them. Yes, it means you have to bite your tongue and deal with a mess for a few days, but it might be the wake-up call he needs.
If it's not, then confront him after she leaves with the pictures of the mess and the time it took to clean up (assuming he is oblivious and doesn't do it himself). Or hire a housekeeper to clean after she is gone and put it on his credit card. Anything to get him to have to pay some pain for it.
Food
She feels at home digging in the refrigerator and cooking breakfast, then not doing the 1st dish. Or, any other meal for that matter. She's thrown away blueberries that we're in the fridge saying they weren't good (I got them out of the trash, washed them and they were every one perfect. I had a huge block of cream cheese from Costco. The open end was NOT good, but she threw out the ENTIRE block!!! My husband knows I'm anal about throwing out good food... so much can be salvaged! Just that some things are not HER place!
It's your home
I'd have no problem telling her, in front of DH, that there are rules in your home and if she and her kids can't be respectful they should find a hotel next time she wants to visit.
Start by reminding him whose
Start by reminding him whose home it is and asking if nobody ever taught her manners or respect. Her home is elsewhere and you will not tolerate a guest treating your home like an AirBnB that she rented.Make sur he understands exactly what is bothering you (make a list and memorize it so you don't forget anything) and be very clear about it. Tell him that either he reminds her to stop treating your home with disrespect or you will do it each and every time she crosses one of your boundaries and he won't like it at all. And nor will she.
Don't let her cook in your kitchen. If she doesn't like what's being prepared (and how rude is that when you're a guest!), she can eat out. If she does manage to cook (maybe while you're out), call her out on the mess "Hey, (name), youi forgot to clean up and do your washing up. Please do it now so I can use my kitchen."
Tell the kid to mind his own damn business and to stop poking his nose where it has no right to be each and every time he pries. Tell him to shut the door/drawer he's pawing at because there's nothing of his in there.
Be relentless. The result will be that either she won't come so often and if she does she might just stay in a hotel. You are now realizing the real reason her DH didn't come with her and the kid - he was grateful for the peace and quiet without them. Smart guy.
Don't let her rummage in youir fridge unless it's for food that she bought herself.
Yep
I told DH it's his responsibility to host his unpleasant child on future visits. End result is that she doesn't visit, which is fine with me!
Nanny cams and document
And then have a heart to heart with your DH. You are new in this stepworld. It doesnt get better without some work on your part. You werent there when the dysfunction began and you cannot be expected to be the SD's maid. Its not her house how dare she. But thats hard to establish if you moved into their family home. Then you will be treated like the interloper unless you are strong in your assertion as Queen B.
At first it will be hard because SD has gotten to do whatever she wants. Putting up boundaries will create some bad feelings at first but so what. Better you are happy and comfortable in your own home. OP, some great suggestions here.
SD COMING TO VISIT
Actually, she never loved on this house. He had lived here for about 5, maybe 6 years. We got together almost 3 years ago. Her visits didn't occur much until we got engaged/ married. She and her son were supposed to come this weekend(Labor day), but changed to next weekend. That's is better, because it isn't a holiday. She is driving 11 hours Friday to come to visit on Saturday, then leave on Sunday. I'm not planning any meals, not going grocery shopping, etc. DH can handle that.
My SD is a reasonably good
My SD is a reasonably good houseguest, and I'd much rather her visit us than us visit her. She is also 10 or so hours from us.
BUT, even though she does clean up after herself and her kids and she does expect good behavior from the kids, DH is still in charge of all preparation, all meal planning, all clean up, all activities. If I want to participate I will. If those conditions are met (and they are -- now, but that wasn't always the case) I can relax some and enjoy the visit some. I do sincerely want her to feel welcome visiting her dad.
Our DHs need to be well aware of the fact that their kids are there to see THEM. We are not the cruise directors. And our households need to continue to function. My DH would be perfectly content to sit back and let me make all the plans and all the decisions. Nope. Not happening.
I concur that your DH needs
I concur that your DH needs to do everything related to his daughter's visit, including play for a cleaner after she leaves. This is what my DH does. I've been disengaged from the start with his kids. I still dread their visits because they are so messy and disruptive while they're here, but I try to make it more tolerable by finding an excuse to work longer at the office or go out with friends and avoid the place as much as possible.
Update
SD didn't make the planned visit last time because there was too much school stuff to get ready for the brat... what a relief, BUT they are instead coming next weekend (Labor Day). Again I'm stressed. We have recently put in an above ground pool, so the backyard is still a mess + a huge tree hopefully will be taken down by then. Rain in the forecast as far out as I can see. WE DON'T NEED THE DOG... he husband will be home, so it SHOULDN'T be a problem. I did mention to DHa few things pertaining to the brat during last visit and explained that he can't be allowed to do the things he does. I'm going to have another discussion about SD & some other issues. If she chooses to cuddle with daddy, I may just embarrass them both somehow. I will explain how her visit stressed me out and things need to change.
Don't assume the dog will be
Don't assume the dog will be staying home. TELL your dh to tell her to leave it at home. Ditto not to use your kitchen. Ditto to teach her kid some manners. Ditto to remember she is JUST a guest and to behave like one. Etc. Don't hint, be crystal clear. If she does a "daddy's little girl" number, take a few photos and publish them on social media with "guess who this is" and "isn't this just too cute? " and let the comments rip them to bits. Make sure your dh sees the comments.
Reply
Thanks, I will take pics. When we go to parties, they trash along. She stays stuck to him like glue & doesn't socialize. One friend is the picture taker in the group. I showed another friend and she commented that if she didn't know better, she'd have thought that was his DATE, not DAUGHTER! If her hubby doesn't come, she insist that her almost 12 y/o son sleep with her. She's just creepy like that. She "coddles" her son more than I coddle my 16 mo old granddaughter!!! Things have gotta change or I will need counseling. Supposedly she is in counseling because of her mother. She hates her mother (nobody can give me a good reason WHY), her brother (jealous) & one of her dads best friends wife (over nothing). I told DH that she had issues and it's not normal to have that much hate/ grudges. SS wasnt even invited to our wedding because DH "DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT TOO HER"...OMG! It's not a if her brother molested her or ANYTHING like that!
DH may be crotch whipped by his daughter. You aren’t.
Did you invite SS to YOUR wedding?
I would have. So your idiot DH chose his evil mini wife POS daughter over his son. Really?
If I were Daddy in this, I would have told my daughter that my wedding to my new bride is not about SD and I would have told her that is she so much as thought about interfering in my wedding including even one snarky motion or comment to or about her brother that she would be escorted out by uniformed security.
There can be a very fine line between batshit crazy and evil manipulation.
Grrrrrr!
Ugh. Your step daughter is a
Ugh. Your step daughter is a grown Mini-Wife. So gross. The DADDDDY never sees it and doesn't realize he looks like a total fool.
Hi!
Hi, Catmom, good to see you again.
Thanks!!! Hope you're doing
Thanks!!! Hope you're doing well!
And..when she rudely does not eat what you have prepared..
WHen she is done cooking for herself, tell her to get up pff of her Princess ass and clean up her mess.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
Bare her ass, she will keep her Princess ass far away from you. No quarter, no tolerance. BARE>>>> HER>>>>> ASS! If DH so much as says a word, point out that he created that hag beast of an adult mini wife Princess and ou will not tolerate his parental failures or her bullshit. or the bullshit of her ill behaved spawn or her stanky dog.
"we clean up our kitchen
"we clean up our kitchen messes when we cook, if you cook you need to clean up after yourself so your Dad doesn't have to."
"the dog is not going to be coming. We refuse. Leave it home or get a dog friendly hotel"
laughing "if someone who didn't see you saw your two snuggling they'd think she's your girlfriend. let me take a pic so we can show our friends. this is funny"
but say it in front of her!
Weekend from HELL over@
So many things worked on my nerves!!!
1. We recently got an above ground pool. SD informed us that her son, the almost 12 yr old shit, was going to invite some kids in the neighborhood(that we don't know) to come swimming after school. DH told her that it wasn't a good idea, being a liability, etc.
2. SD's son was"roughplaying" on my expensive float. I told him to stop so as not to bust it. SD says, "if he bust it, I'll buy another one". I told her that wasn't the point, the point was that there was no reason to tear it up.
3. The brat was pouncing on the pool ladder. I had him read it...NO JUMPING OR DIVING. Then DH tells him that he can do a cannonball off of it.
4. I instructed them to put the towels in the washing machine. They left them on the floor and the bed (wet towels).
5. Friday evening SD went outside to find her son in the neighborhood. She came in and informed us that the kids down the street were coming to swim l the next morning, but it was ok cause their mom was coming too. WTF???
6. I went to bed keyed up and furious. I explained to DH THAT I'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT DISRESPECTED.
7. ALMOST FORGOT, SHE BROUGHT THE DAMN DOG WHEN I ASKED HER NOT TO!
8. Saturday I did have to leave to go to a memorial service. I came back to find out that the kid busted my float. SD was quick to tell me that she ordered another one (supposed to be in today). She just doesn't get it.
9. My daughter came over. When she was going inside, I asked her to get me a WATERLOO FLAVORED WATER. SD tells me l that there's no more because she drank them all... one after another, about 6 of them!. Again, WTF?! THEN SHE STARTED ON MY EXPENSIVE CELCIUS DRINKS. THESE ARE EXPENSIVE AND part energy drink, I maybe drink 2 or 3 a week. She finished them. All this was after she drank every diet coke that we had cold. I don't mind them having something, but to purposely make a pig of yourself is unnecessary.
10. After the energy drinks she claimed her heart was racing, pulse was high and she was driving home... about 7:30 Saturday evening. We were at a party. She left the bedroom a mess. Didn't even fold one (of 3) blanket that they used.
(By the way, don't know if DH put a stop to it, but neighbors did NOT come over)
Haven't discussed this all with DH yet, but things have GOT to change. I've been cleaning floors of dog hair all day!
An understanding
A similar thing happened to me with exSD. She and her hubby dropped their dogs off. One was a puppy. Of course, thet let exDH know, not me. ExDH seemed to be uninvolved, like I was supposed to do all of the work. The puppy crapped all over a new 8'x10' area rug and ate my shoes. I cleaned the rug as best as I could, was never reembursed for the shoes. I raised so much hell DH shied away from allowing them to just drop off thier dogs again.
Truthfully though, it wasn't the mess or my shoes that got to me as much as it was SD and her hubby's non-challant attitudes, as if I somehow owed it to them. Like your SD.
I think you need to have a hard discussion with your DH and stand your ground. Let us know if you get the float. If she didn't order it, insist your DH buy you a new one. Next time SD comes over hide all of the drinks and offer water out of the tap. Tell her to bring her own towels. Hide all floats, etc.
SD visit
Believe it or not, the new float arrived last night. She posted on FB about drinking 4 energy drinks and how bad she felt. I made a comment that I thought she knew they were energy drinks and that we don't drink them often because they are energy drinks and SO expensive. Woke up this morning to a text telling me that she ordered us more to be shipped to our house. I think the worst part this weekend was her thinking it was ok to invite kids in the neighborhood to come to our pool... kids that we don't know AT ALL(neither does she) . They didn't come, I have no idea why because I had to leave for a funeral. Maybe DH grew a pair and told her NO... for once!!
Time to rub DH’s nose in the stench of his nasty gene pool.
Highlight all of your list and remind him why his daughter, her spawn, and the dog are not welcome in your home.
Just curious- do you own the
Oops- just read the house is his. Sorry, but I'm not sure you can do a whole bunch about this if he's not willing to acknowledge her behavior.
Just curious- do you own the house together or is one of you the sole owner of it? Where I live propery owned before marriage is the sole ownership of the person even after marriage unless deeded over to the partner. That being said, if the property is joint, I don't think you can ban the daughter from coming and behaving this way as long as DH permits this. However, if the house is yours, I believe you can and if it continues, you can tell DH you will file a forcible detainer against her to keep her out unless she follows your rules. If it gets to the point you can't stand it anymore, well... suggest you look for a new situation and leave DH to his other wife.
The house
Yes, he had the house b4 we were married. I don't want to keep her from visiting. He is fantastic to my grown daughters. BUT, on the other hand they treat him with respect. They would never give me a gift and not give him one. I've done and done for SD and her family and get no appreciation.
Since last post I got LONG text from SD telling me that my name came up in counceling because of her mistrust of ME! 1st time reading, it sounded nice, but gets worse every time I read it. She blamed her mother (hates her mother & hasn't spoken to her in 9 yrs) for her mistrust. She went from a bad abusive relationship with her child's father to being married to her now husband of 10 yrs within about 2 1/2 yrs, so where is the mistrust of men? DH knew nothing of this abuse from this man when it happened (strange). It's time after 9 yrs from her mother to move forward instead causing this stress.
Today I was straightening up in the room they stayed in an went looking for a blanket they used (almost brand new). Finally I asked DH to text and ask her about it. They "accidently" took it with them...yeah right. My really good blanket. I told him to tell her that we would get it when we go in October.
Back to that text from her. I haven't showed DH yet. I don't feel comfortable staying at her house after this text. She clearly stated more than once that she doesn't trust me. Opinion?
She is projecting. She knows
She is projecting. She knows you don't trust her ( for good reason) so she accusing you of doing it to her. Instead of owning up to her bad behaviors that cause you to not trust her, she is blaming you for her "feelings". Such a messed up way of coping. She's immature. She's stunted emotionally. Her therapist is wasting time with her as I'm sure her sessions are full of lies aka her perceptions. Did she apologize for anything, or was it done in a way that wasn't a real apology?
Oh yes. The infamous feelings card.
I do not allow that to be played. I inform the person playing the feelings card that I don't care about their feelings, I care about what they think about the topic, not how the feel about the topic.
An excuse
She said that she owed me an apology, but the more I read it the more I see through the lines. Yes, she is turning the cards.
Staying at her house will be too stressful. She dug that hole, now I'm not getting in it!
SD
Christmas is around the corner, lots going on. I have a total knee replacement scheduled for end of January. SD informed us that they wanted to come for Christmas. I nicely texted her explaining that it wasn't a good time because I couldn't be up cleaning, etc. Most people would go ahead & decline. DH was offended, "So you're saying that my daughter can't visit for Christmas". I explains the inconsideration every time they come & I'm like a maid in a hotel. She said she would help (joke) so I had to go with it. Now DH is butt hurt because I'm telling him to ask her not to bring the dog (dog hair everywhere & we don't have a dog). I'm so done with this. SD knows damn well that she is causing problems.
As for the dog. Don't ask SD not to bring it. Tell her it will
not enter your home.
With mentally limited dipshits like SD, and sadly your DH, polite and asking is a wasted sensitivity.
Also, inform DH that he and he alone will to all housekeeping, cooking, etc... to YOUR standards until you are recovered from your knee replacement.
My mom had both of hers replaced abut 6mos apart. She was in her early 70s at the time. Dad was the on the spot care giver on everything including cooking, cleaning, etc.....
Do not tolerate butt hurt daddy/DH and his rude spawn to infringe on your calm.