Looking for a seemingly impossible resolution
I admit. I am resentful—and ashamed.
Last year I gathered the courage to tell my husband that after 20 years of therapy (and trying to be a good Buddhist) that I could no longer be present when he is with his single 50yo daughter. He accepted the decision but didn’t want to hear my feelings: there’s no space, no air for me when they are together. It is always and only about her.
In December he paid for her to visit, and I left town. Last month she asked him to take her on a trip (he always pays all the expenses). She texted him yesterday asking to come next month. My husband said to me, “Would you like to go away during that week?”
I cannot stay and implode (with suicidal thoughts) and am resentful for having to leave. She shows all the characteristics of a narcissist, and he feeds her ego more adoration and attention.
I see that they cannot change, and I have really tried. I fear that there is no solution to this incompatible threesome, each living in a different reality.
50-year-old daughter <---
50-year-old daughter <----effing shameful! What is the matter with her that she doesn't have her own life (oh, you said narcissist)?
Have you asked your husband to see this shameless albatross elsewhere?
What would happen if you said, "No. I don't want her here and I don't want to leave MY house"???
Asking one's spouse to go away is asking for trouble. . . hmm . . . will he pay for you to go on an amazing vacation?
You don’t leave your home
So someone else can come. That's absolutely absurd and uncalled for.
If they want to go somewhere and you don't care then they leave.
If she comes she should stay
If she comes she should stay elsewhere, going out of town on her scehdule is not sustainable or healthy for you. Your husband can stay with her or they can socialize out of your home while she stays at a hotel.
I agree with the above. Don't
I agree with the above. Don't leave your house so she can visit. Unless Daddykins wants to pay for you to go somewhere fabulous and you really want to go. Idk the whole story but if, at 50, this SD is asking her dad to take her on an alone-time vacay and pay, and inviting herself to stay in your house, something went wrong somewhere in her development.
Oh Hell No
You do NOT leave your home. You tell your DH to get himself two hotel rooms with connecting doors so he and his Mini Wife can "commune" together over the week.
I speak from experience. DHs grown kids pushed me over the cliff at year 12. I haven't seen them in near 6 years. DH sees them away from our home, a technique suggested by our therapist. So...tell your DH to book a room or two.
oh hell no. if he needs to
oh hell no. if he needs to see his daughter, they can go elsewhere. you do not need to give up the friendly confines of your home. you do not have to slink away because he takes his orders from her. he can worship her elsewhere.
Welcome to Step Talk
Welcome to Step Talk
The resolution is that HE takes his 50year old daughter to a hotel for the week.
Or maybe mooch off of his relatives at their place.
DO NOT LEAVE your home.
Well she said she wanted to
Well she said she wanted to go on a trip so he can take her AWAY on a trip. I wouldn't agree to leave the home. You should stay put and they can hang out somewhere else
Incompatible Threesome
yeah, just NO.
It is a complete sentence. Youve set a precedence earlier from what you posted, leaving when she decides to visit, so he thinks its "ok" to ask. Your therapist doesnt sound very effective, and Im sorry you are dealing with this. Its pretty sickening. I dont really have to deal with this (right now) because we do not have the money to take Skids on vacations, and husband would rather go fishing with his buddies than pay for a 1-on-1 with his daughters (eeeewwwwwwwwww!) Besides SD25 Feral Forger is messy, gross, rude, mean, dishonest, just a Cr@p person all around.
Dont leave anymore. Husband wants time with his mini-wife, HE is the one who needs to leave.
Don't be ashamed, friend...
First of all, I am sorry you are going through this very backwards, hurtful, insane situation. You are valid in your feelings. You stated this has been going on for 20 years [therapy]? Did I read that right? So, she would have been 30 at the time of your matrimony.
Did she ever have/show interest in any romantic relationships since you've known her? Is her mother still alive? I ask these things because I'm trying to pin the pieces together of this fractured picture.
I am floored that he would treat you as #2 and his daughter as #1. The spouse is/should ALWAYS be #1. Children are #2. You have vows to uphold and a binding relationship to grow and maintain, that is more intimate than any other you will have other than GOD Himself. I wonder why she has this hold on him?
I'm all for my DH spending time with his adult 20 year old daughter (we're not on speaking terms with her at the moment. I've posted all about it on this website forum). But, not to where I have to leave my home.
Sounds like your SD has a sense of entitlement with your DH. She sounds as if she has been in competition from the start for her father's affections. There's definitely some narcissistic traits with her. Unfortunately, DH has only fostered her entitled, rude, dismissive behavior. It's disturbing that he does not see the very big issue here. And that therapist: did she even address this behavior?! Sure, my husband can go have a meal with his daughter or see a movie by himself here and there, but they ain't going on no vacation together - NOT without me in tow!
There's clearly something very, very wrong there.
What does DH have to say about it all?
Be well. Take care of you. Your needs matter. You matter.
OK, I'm back. I ran this past
OK, I'm back. I ran this past the Mr as a vague 'I read this online, what do you think?' question. I figured another male point of view might be good. Not shockingly, his opinion matched up with mine. If your husband needs "alone time" with his grown adult daughter. He should be the one staying at the local Motel 2.5 not you. He is treating you like a side piece and her like she's priority and that shit don't fly. You should not leave the home you help pay for. If he wants to treat his daughter like his side piece, and slime around with her. that's on him. However much he spends on his dates with his daughter should be the amount you take for yourself for the same time frame..
If you have other places or
If you have other places or people that you WANT to go see and that can match up with a couple visits a year from his daughter.. fine. BUT.. you will not be constantly expected to vacate your home.. if he wants to see her.. daughter can rent a room in town and he can visit with her there.. or they can both stay at the hotel.. or they can meet in another city... etc..
Again.. if I actually had people I wanted to go see.. and it wasn't putting me out.. I am not going to have a huge issue.. but if you don't.. stop allowing them to inconvenience you..
No air in the room for me-
No air in the room for me--that's the way I've described my SD too. But she is currently not speaking to DH for reasons we can only guess at. One unspoken reason is that I refused to be the side piece.
He's welcome to see his kids whenever he wants to. But they never invite him and he never initiates either. And now he's disabled and can't travel alone anymore. Funny how their "close, loving" relationship fell apart when I no longer organized or funded any of it.
I would not leave my house. If anyone is to be inconvenienced, it's him. Not you.
thank you for making me feel not alone
My husband was widowed when SD was in her early 20s. She has had only one boyfriend since then. It's like father-daughter have a secret society to which I am invited but both don't enjoy their dance and feel like the third wheel. My husband is one of a kind in so many good ways--he defies the "old white man" patriarch. He's not a bad guy, so I am ashamed to complain. But he is unable to understand why I can't be around them. It's like I have the problem.
She has never been a topic for us to discuss even though I believe he doesn't think she's perfect--just in need of his protection and attention.
Money has become part of the situation because he ignores the expenses of their visits. I pay the bills, so I know that last month's four-day beach trip cost us over $1000. And for me to go away adds up. I am resentful for having to withdraw from our retirement.
Thank you for listening. I am searching for a therapist who might see me soon. But reading your responses helps alleviate the crazy thoughts that keep me awake.
If your finances are joint..
If your finances are joint.. and you are not wealthy.. then him spending money in an uneven way.. and in large amounts without your buy in is not right.
I think you should have a talk about the financial aspect.. decide what kind of limit on spending is reasonable.. and that in the future.. if she wants to go on a trip? she needs to foot half the bill. SHE is more than an adult at this point.
Point out that asking you to leave the home to stay elsewhere is also a financial burden (as well as an inconvenience).
I would suggest that he go stay with his daughter vs her coming to your home. I am just assuming she lives far enough away that day trips are not possible. That would at least reduce the cost to just his travel.. since he obv should be able to stay with her.
Another option IS that when she comes to town.. she stays in a hotel.. and they can visit during the day.. and you can even go to the library or mall or museum during the day.. she would leave before you get home of course.
I think, you need to set a line in the sand that your home is no longer available for her overnight guest visits.. you won't incurr extra cost because she comes.. she can come and rent her own room.. if she can't afford it.. they can have long video chats.. lol.
Your life does not get disrupted for them.
Your life does not get disrupted for them. He leaves to spend time with his narc kidult failed family weenus lemur elsewhere in a place and way that does not disrupt your life. You do not leave to facilitate their toxic narc dance. You are not the sacrifice on the alter of SParental martyrdom to their failed family toxicity. Yes, I know he is a widower and that his narc DD lost her mom in her 20s. But that does not erase the failed family dynamic or this kidults issues. Those are not your issues.
Do not make them yours.