It may be over

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Those of you that have followed my posts over the past few days know the challenges I have been facing with th DW and skids. I have done my best work at disengagement and every situation is just different.

So... any conversation results in the following; me making it all about me, I can’t blame her kids for this, and I am being controlling. All that from telling her I didn’t handle it well in the past and asked her to forgive that. Then told her to see them as often and for as long as she wanted. But don’t tell me that I make her feel guilty for going because how I handled it (so badly) in the past. I apologized, asked forgiveness, and faith that I am doing my best.

And i know that spouses go through this period of being upset when disengagement starts. But this is not at all the person I fell in love with and once knew. I know that I am going to hear that this is “normal”, but how does one survive this and rebuild a marriage.

I asked if she wanted to go back to couples counseling and she said NOT the one we went to before. I think she wants to find one that tells her she is right and the problem is me and how I am dealing with it. And that’s the point... I am dealing with it much better than before. Not perfectly, but better.

Fine. Let her choose another

Fine. Let her choose another counselor. You're confident you did nothing to deserve this behavior from her kids, and no good counselor will tell her "Yea, definitely side with your grown children over your husband." So go for it. Take that chance because the odds are on your side. You might even ramp up the deal and tell her, you pick the counselor, but whatever he or she says, we do.

Stop talking about it with her. You've made your decision to disengage. She's got her weekend set with her kids. You've got your plans to go to Florida. Everyone should go their own way and use the time to cool off. The most you should be saying with a tone of kindness and love is, "Let's agree to disagree on this and move on."

When you're together again after the weekend, lightly ask if she had a good weekend, give her the seashell sculpture that you graciously picked up for her in Florida and turn on the TV or go out to a movie. At some point, you both need to agree to disagree and that means you can't keep rehashing it. Your upcoming weekend will be a great chance for everyone to retreat to their corners, get a grip and return with a new outlook.

Oh my dear-your post mirrors

Oh my dear-your post mirrors by late situation almost exactly.

I was also accused of being controlling- over and over again, when the reverse was true.I had disengaged for him to see his kids without me, he even admitted that it was better seeing his kids without me there! But yet I wanted to control his life??? Now he has all the control he wants.

I also apologised, I told him I regretted things that I had said and done, and offered to move forward- we went to counselling for two sessions together at my behest.

He completely changed and became a person I did not know, almost all his previous sociable and loving, caring behaviour stopped and was relaced by a cold and heartlessperson I did not recognise.

Looking back, I think that he was the one who really wanted to control me, but having regained my health and self-esteem I was not going to sacrifice that again. Although I made moves towards reconciliation he did not seem to want this- I now believe that he had wanted out of the relationship for some time but didn't have the guts to do it. Although he came to counselling it was just a front through which he could make me feel even worse about being a bitch to his kids. He never made any attempt to tell me he still loved and cared about me.

I don't think he changed, I think he had just hidden his true self very well. His track record with women was not good and I should have seen this much, much earlier.

I hope you find your way through this- in the end the light bulb came back on for me and I left. He did not expect it. I have my life back and I am living it. What does he have? What he said he wanted- so I gave it him. It is no longer sad- I'm just glad I'm out now and getting on with living instead of sharing my life with a warm corpse.

That’s what I feel

I am having another sleepless night. I cannot believe this is my life right now. She told me her entire family is concerned for her. That just translates into they all feel this is not a healthy relationship for her. What the F did I do besides care for her and pledge my life to her. But her narcissistic 30SS had to step up and control her life, I told her at the time that he was a threat to our marriage, but she said that would never happen. And here we are with me being the bad guy for being hurt by what he said, for being controlling, for giving her what she asked for, and being made to feel bad for all I have tried to do. She asked me if I had been reading her email! Where did that come from? This is a very low point for me and I cannot see how we will ever rebuild anything. She said she just wanted to know, but now I see she has lost the trust we once shared. For the record, I did not and will not read her emails! Who does that? I am sure somewhere she was told she cannot trust me and I said something about who said what to someone that made her ask me that. But I’m not stupid. And I want nothing to do with her family. Why would I go look for something more to hurt me.

I will be totally disengaged from them all. I have nothing more to say to DW. She has been cold, distant, bitter, and just no joy to be around. So now, I am backing away from her as well. I may come back from Florida and find her gone. She already informed me she and 24SD won’t be here Friday night because 24SD is not comfortable being here. Fine. I don’t care. At least now I won’t feel bad for not saying goodbye when I leave for my flight.

Why is this all happening?

Be Wary

of false abuse allegations. Sounds like she is telling stories to her family to "team build" against you. When a woman makes false abuse allegations against a man, it is viewed as fact in the courts. Sounds like you are well beyond the time for disengagement. JMO.

I am so lost

I can see the writing on the wall. And I am so confused and lost right now. We were so incredibly happy when we met and started dating. Even though the engagement with only minor comments form her narcissistic son, which upset her. But she did nothing about it and that cancer has grown to the point where she now says she “sees his point”

Am I not supposed to be hurt? I am allowed my feelings. If she didn’t want to address it she should realize that she is not ready to be married because her kids won’t allow it. I have no optimism about our future because I don’t know how to rebuild trust. WTF! Why is this happening?

You are likely history

You are likely history repeating itself, just like me. This woman is the same person and so are her adult kids. She is making it about you, when it has nothing to do with you....it is THIER family dysfunction. You cannot fix it and more than likely did nothing to create the mess.

The only way to protect your own mental health is to stay away from her anytime she is with her dysfunction. YOU matter, and you have one life to live. Being around rude, nasty step kids (she created), is something you need to refuse to do. She appears to be alientating her "whole family" against you; a move that is likely going to seriously backfire on her. Stay disengaged and tell her to drop the kid subject, you are no longer willing to even discuss it with her. You do not care about them or what they do. Now, you only care about you, as your DW is only caring about her self.

^^^THIS!^^^

"Stay disengaged and tell her to drop the kid subject, you are no longer willing to even discuss it with her. You do not care about them or what they do." You do not owe it to your wife to continue to play this game. When she accused you of reading her email, it is obvious she and the skids have been wagging their tongues about you big-time. She is now using you as a means to get closer to the skids using relational aggression. If you notice all of her accusations are vague. I'll bet she can't give you one 'specific' incidence of how you are being controlling or 'specifically' why.the skids are rejecting you. It appears your wife is actually controlling you. No one wants to be married to someone who acts like this.

You have done all the right things. You have offered to let her see the skids without any interference regardless if they are rejecting you. You warmly welcomed her back from her trip. She has somehow turned that all around on you so you get the blame for anything and everything. If her visit with the skids was not good, what did you have to do with that? Are you waiting for her to say she is leaving? If you are lucky she will be gone when you get back from Florida. Take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))

Very good advice! So sorry to

Very good advice! So sorry to hear things are not going well! Hopefully you going to Florida for a few days will allow everyone to take a step back and emotions calm down a bit. Stick to your disengagement don't let them suck you back in.

I agree with the above- this

I agree with the above- this now has to be about you, and for you. Spend some time with people who value you- your own family, or look up old friends, take an interest in things happening locally you could get involved in- go for a much needed break without her or her family. Not to make her curious, or to make her more interested in you (though that may happen) but to prove to yourself you can have a life of your own without her.

Like you, I couldn't understand how we had gone from the most loving couple having fun times, travelling to great places, making a lovely home, to what we have now... but once I realised the reality I embraced it. Sometimes I feel sad, obviously, but mostly I am reconnecting with the person I once was. I have people who love and care for me, I have fun, and I have plans to travel. I'm just doing them all without the man I thought I would be with until the end of my days. Another door is opening for you, but you cannot see it because you are still knocking on a closed one. Turn around, see the other door and give it a gentle push...

You seem like a decent level

You seem like a decent level headed.man who's willing to look in the mirror and work on self improvement and make allowances for your wife's behavior. She doesn't appear interested in trying.

Her entire family is concerned for her...your marriage is not her entire family's business amd she should be standing up for you.

Save yourself and annul/divorce yourself from the codependency and dysfunction you married into.

Youre essentially newlyweds...love should not be this hurtful. Amd you jave no small children involved. They all need to mind their f****ing business and stay out of your marriage. And the problem is your wife.

My 18 year old daughter was not happy with my choice when I married. She said it out loud a couple of times. I shut that sh*t down right away because i knew this was her throwing a tantrum based on nothing but jealousy and immaturity. She is the youngest and spoiled, so having to share me with my spouse was difficult for her. That does not excuse or give anyone a free pass to belittle disrespect or insult my husband.

Time for the kids to grow up and butt out.

Thank You All

I am sure I would be spiraling out of control without the love and support I have found here. I was taught that every crisis brings opportunity for growth and self improvement. Just because mistakes were made, does not mean we can’t walk away as a better person from them. It’s up to us to find that lesson and use the crisis as a tool for our growth. In the end, everything will be OK. And if it’s not OK, it’s not the end. The key to that statement is to accept the end may not be exactly what we envisioned.

I know my value. I know I have tried. I also know I am human and I do make mistakes. But I do my best to learn from them. I am far from perfect and I continue to do my best to become a better person everyday. Some days are harder than others. These are the qualities I showed DW in the beginning, and I am true to them today as the day we met.

She does not handle stress, grief, and emotions very well. I can see where her son gets his problems from. Apple - Tree! I have accepted my role and responsibility in this fiasco, but she raised him and forgot about teaching him respect for others and how to function as an adult in a social environment. I think a lot has to do with her overcompensating after her 1st husband walked out.

But those are all now her issues and I am not taking any responsibility from this point forward. I told her IF we move forward, the past is the past and I cannot be judged on how I reacted prior to this moment in time. For my part, there will be no more rehashing of what was said or done by anybody. We also need to be respectful in all of our commication by not interrupting, accusing, or defending. Understanding and compassion will be the key, just as in normal relationships. And finally, I will disengage from her family and she will respect that as the way the situation must be and not use it against me. Not my issue anymore. They own that completely because I did my best.

Not sure it will work because of her current state of mind and the control/influence her kids have over her. My guess is the odds are heavily in their favor. So this is the last ditch effort to see if the marriage is at all salvageable.