interfering family members
Adult SD was very close to our family when she was younger. As she approached driving age, she became more and more distant. There were no fights or real issues to proceed this. Her parents went through a very bad divorce, due to BM's infidelity and pregnancy new current husband. BM has always tried to cause problems for our family, because she didn't like SD and I getting along. When talk of driving came up, BM threatened that she refused to help SD with paying for a car or insurance if she came near our home. We lived less than 2 miles apart. We offered to purchase a dependable, second hand vehicle for her, as we did for my BD, but SD refused, saying BM promised her a new one. As a result, SD hasn't been around for the past 4-5 years by her own choice. We've never made her think she was unwelcome, but I think she's more embarrassed by her own choices. DH continued to call her to keep in touch, but almost got her voicemail. BM would take her new car shopping and make promises over and over. This went on for 4 years. SD didn't even get a license until she was 20. BM still holds everything that she does over SD's head and threatens to stop helping her financially. SD also still lives with BM. Over the past 6 months, we had a small get together at our house. An aunt decided to call her to see if she was coming! When she said she didn't know about it, the aunt questioned DH. He explained that 1) she hasn't been around us in several years, and 2) a neighbor of BM would be here, which make SD very uncomfortable IF she would even give it a second thought. Then, last week, the aunt invited SD to Mass at our church. She came in late and we didn't know she was there or planning to come. When we walked, SD was near another family member's vehicle with her back turned. DH walked up to talk to the other family member, not knowing his daughter was there. He didn't recognize her- she had recently changed hair color and style. Neither of them knew what to say. They just said Merry Christmas and went to their separate cars. Had DH been prepared that she would have been there, he could have asked her if she would like to stop by our home t visit for a few minutes. We've recently moved and our new home is in an area where BM can't easily pass by to see if she's there, like at our other home. DH has asked the aunt (actually 2 of them) to stay out of their relationship on many occasion. By them trying to force situations without being honest with both parties, they are causing more distance.
She's old enough that mom
She's old enough that mom trying to control where she goes and who she sees ought to get her feathers pretty ruffled. She ought to be feeling like "I'll buy my own damn car, thank you very much."
Lot of adult skids on this forum never get to that stage, though, sadly.
Yours sounds like she wasn't raised too terribly, though. Maybe it's more she feels an emotional loyalty to her mom, feels unable to do anything she knows will upset mom. Let's hope she grows out of that, though.
Very sad dad couldn't even recognize her through no fault of his own. And that she had nothing to say to him.
Sad situation.
As for the aunts, they have a right to their own relationship with the girl. They're all adults. It sounds like what it revealed is that the girl does crave her dad and his family. Responding directly to him is too threatening at this point, but the aunts seemed like a step she could safely take. So it may have been awkward in the moment, but I think it revealed something valuable to your dh and you.
SD does have a good
SD does have a good relationship with one of the aunts. That's who she met at church. SD was also obviously very uncomfortable with it being Christmas time and it was all very awkward. DH has made numerous attempts to have lunch, dinner, coffee, etc so they could have a less pressured situation. She either doesn't answer or refuses. It was obvious by the look on SD's face, that she didn't realize we attended mass at that time either, as there are 6 masses each weekend. We already know that SD wants some kind of relationship, but sadly is too afraid of losing help and shelter from BM (BM has also threatened to put her out of her home). SD , did get fed up about 2 years ago and tried to go live with her GM, but GM is afraid of what BM may retaliate with against her. We have a very small home, and have even offered in the past for her to try to come here, but she said she couldn't. We don't call her to invite her to every function at our home anymore, because she hasn't been here in so long. We also wouldn't have someone else bring her here when we know that a friend of BM would be here and it would cause more problems for her at the time. We feel she will make more of an attempt and be more ready for a more natural relationship with DH when she's out of BM's house and on her own. It's just frustrating for others to try to "set up a secret meeting" in a public place- it just really made everyone uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. SD and DH looked like they were under a microscope by the aunts, who didn't even try to give them a minute alone to try to talk. They stared at both of them until it got so uncomfortable that everyone just left.
"kids are not raised to be
"kids are not raised to be independent anymore. I'm seeing a lot of failures to launch these days."
Very true. DH just commented last night that ss30 bought a car, has a job and that he (DH) should have let him grow up sooner but he was too scared. DH didn't have to say it but he was scared of losing ss30's love. Since their divorce over 10 years ago DH and BM have taken turns coddling ss30 so he would still "love" them. DH still pays ss30's phone so that he has a way to reach him. Otherwise ss30 would have nothing to do with him unless he needs something.
In OP's situation it sounds like BM is controlling SD and continuing the PAS that likely has gone on since she and DH separated. What a waste to put so much energy into such negativity.
If SD responds to the aunts
If SD responds to the aunts invites, but not DH's then #1- she wants to be invited but you have long since stopped and should begin again, or #2- there actually is some issue between her and DH that you don't know about.
If she wants a relationship
If she wants a relationship she will pursue it. If not, that is on her. SD18 has nothing to do with DH, no call or text on his birthday, Christmas. Nothing in over 6 months. I could care less, this is on her. Your DH has tried and now there is nothing he can do. At 20 she should be able to be her own person, but she can't.
I think my SD18 is embarrassed at her treatment of her father and if she saw him, she would have to own up to it. So instead she ignores that she has another family.
Oh the ties that bind. Love,
Oh the ties that bind. Love, money and lots of conditions that's what BM is giving your SD. SD is living by those conditions, sad but her choice. The aunt's can have whatever relationship with SD that they want but should not force the issue between DH and SD. DH is going to have to keep reinforcing the previous boundaries he set with them.