Insurance and medical bills for skids
Has anyone had a situation involving the garden variety terrible skid who racks up medical bills and your SO just keeps paying them?
My SO has a 22 year old daughter who is quite terrible to him most of the time. She has been supposedly diagnosed with BPD and we try to keep that in mind. They haven't seen each other in over 12 months, she doesn't want to see him. She never asks about him and they really have no relationship. She texts or emails when she needs something from him, but that's the extent of the relationship. In the past she has said that she doesn't really see him as a part of her future. It hurt him a lot, but he seems to be making peace with the estranged relationship. For the most part, she's not really a part of our lives, but about once a month there is SOMETHING.
The latest is she had some sort of medical concern and took herself to the ER. She told him she was going to the ER at the time, but then wouldn't update him afterward. He spent days worried, trying to make sure she was OK, no response. After a while, he had to just assume all was well because he hadn't heard anything further, and his son said she was still texting with him (her brother) about nonsense things. Then today, the bill hits the credit card - $2700 for her visit to the emergency room for whatever it was that turned out to be nothing. This is her 3rd ER visit in the last 18 months. She is a sometimes college student who somewhat supports herself but still needs financial help for some things. I'm all for keeping kids on our insurance (26 in the US) so long as that makes sense, but it's frustrating that he has to keep paying these large out of pocket medical bills for her, but he isn't deserving of getting a quick update that says "hey, I'm OK, back home, doc said XYZ". She doesn't respect him enough to update him or alleviate his concerns, but she needs those bills paid. He also pays out of pocket for her counseling now because his employer switched insurance plans and daughter's counselor was no longer covered and she didn't want to switch to another one. Also out of pocket is some expensive acne medication because that's the one she wants to take and she didn't do the required form to get insurance coverage. Etc.
Where is the line of responsibility here? I know SO does not want to stop providing medical insurance for her, but so long as he does and she has no consequences for her crappy treatment of him or running up the bills, I assume she'll just keep using it, racking up the out of pocket expenses until....what? she turns 26? Can we remove kids from our insurance if it turns out they're ungrateful humans?? Does that make us bad parents? Wonder if it's possible to make her the responsible party for the outstanding expenses, although I doubt SO would ever do that. I wonder if covering these medical costs for her is his one way of staying connected with her.
I'd love any similar experience stories or other opinions/thoughts. Once this stuff is brewing for me, I am soothed by hearing what others think. Thanks all!
Just cause she's on your
Just cause she's on your medical doesn't mean you should be on the hook for the Bill. She can make arrangements with her providers to get payments.
I have no problem with kids
I have no problem with kids being on the parent's insurance until 26, especially when it's one price for family coverage whether there's one kid or a dozen being covered. I stayed on my dad's policy, because I'm a SAHM and my DH doesn't have coverage through his employer (he has VA insurance). Heck, my sister had a job where the employer paid them more if they didn't need the health insurance coverage, so she stayed on my dad's policy even though she could have had employer-paid coverage.
I do have a problem with a kid expecting the parent to foot all the medical bills while not maintaining a relationship or having the common courtesy to respond to concerned messages. Just because I used my dad's insurance didn't mean HE paid the deductibles. I was my own guarantor. I also have a problem with kids who don't figure out where the least expensive place to go for medical needs is. A lot of times it would be cheaper to go to an urgent care instead of an ER and if you plan correctly you might be able to go to your PCP instead of an urgent care. There are ways to get cheaper prescriptions, too, like getting periodic mail order prescriptions, or asking doctors for coupons/generics, etc. Kids would figure it out sooner if it was their money; not so much when it's daddy's money.
I'll bet if your SO closed his wallet and let his daughter know that a relationship is a two way street, she'd return his texts, be a little more respectful and at least pretend to be interested in him in order to get her bills paid. In the situation you've described, if I was your SO I would leave the kid on my insurance but let her pay her own deductibles, copayments and uncovered prescription costs. She is, after all, an adult, and apparently one who doesn't have much use for her father other than as an ATM.
you are right
I'm going to encourage him to cut her off financially. Still provide the insurance but she pays all her own co-pays, items not covered, etc. And no more use of his credit card, even for her medical "emergencies"
Hesitant
Based on how the SD treats you and your DH dang it she should be on her own. I aint helping or paying for anyone who treats me like shite. Like others said if you demand respect then you will cover her insurance the princess B may change her tune.
Ill never get why these shitty skids think they are holier than thou, well I do shit parenting. My wish for all of them is to be shunned by society. Or worse sent to the colonies in Gilead
No, just because the kid is
No, just because the kid is on your insurance does not make you liable for the part of the bill not covered by insurance. If the kid has reached majority they are responsible for the bill. If the other parent initiates care, they own the bill. If.... you are willing to fight it if they try to stick you with the bill.
As most have said. Providing
As most have said. Providing insurance coverage and being financially responsible for the copays and bills are two different things.
I carried both of my SD's on my plan past 18... but they paid all their out of pocket costs themselves. Nothing like a kid getting that 2700 bill in their own name to make them rethink running to the ER for a minor issue vs waiting for normal dr hours.
Credit card
That should stop, now. SO should have her removed. At 22 she should get her own card or pay cash for things including the ER.
SO has Bratty in his insurance but she pays her co-pays. She is also has coverage through her work and submits some claims through that.
At 22 it's about time for SO to start transitioning SD as after 26 she has to be in her own anyway. He should have her pay the co-pays.
The counseling is a tough one. If it were me I'd be inclined to pay that for a couple of more years but also wean her off. It can't continue permanently especially when she desires no relationship with her father.
thanks everyone
the concensus seems to be that providing insurance coverage is one thing, covering copays and out of pockets is another. I agree as I think about that more. For my kids, and his other kid, we happily help with medical bills as they're all young adults getting on their feet. And they're grateful and responsible and respectful. But with her, because she's so unpleasant and ungrateful and toxic, and she doesn't seem to have any regard for keeping costs manageable, I think she needs to take over paying all of her own stuff. She can sink of her own. And I'm pretty confident that sink she will. Sadly.
Convincing him of this will be a small struggle. He'll say yes, sure he agrees with that and then he'll take a tiny step in that direction -- like making her pay a little bit this time or whatever. I guess as the bio parent you just keep thinking/hoping your kid is going to suddenly be better/do better. But I have zero confidence that this one will turn it around. I'm more thinking that her impacting our life is going to get worse before it gets better.
I would tell DH that for
I would tell DH that for every $2,700 ER bill or $150 therapist bill I will be withdrawing an equal amount to go into a fun fund just for me.
Thankfully
we have separate finances and so her spending his money irresponsibly doesn't yet affect me. But if we did share finances, I would be even more livid. No way, no how am I paying anything for her! Was thinking that I'm a bit glad she finally hit him in the wallet. Emotional and mental abuse he can tolerate pretty well, but he's financially careful so her spending his money for no reason really got his attention I think! *yes3*