A twenty three year old man should be able to take care of himself. I can empathize with your husband in that even though your son is doing chores around the house, he is not taking the initiative to actually get his life together and get out of your house. I have 21 and 23 year old bio kids and I can tell you I certainly don't want to be taking care of them finacially or otherwise for the rest of their lives. Sometimes tough love is what is needed to get them to step up and take ownership of their own lives.

I'm sure your husband didn't sign on to be living with an adult male when he decided to marry you in the first place. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel even with our own kids. You seem more than willing to coddle your adult son rather than to make your marriage a priority. So, my answer is yes, you should let your husband go so he can find someone that will put his needs first.

You and your husband need to come to mutual agreement about a time line for your son to move out. This is not healthy for him. I refused to let my college grad daughter come home to stay after school--she needed to go out on her own. She is a home body so that was an issue. My older daughter was gone since Freshman year. To your H, you're letting your SS spend money on frivolity instead of putting it toward his own future.

What can your son do? Move to a town where he can rent a room and get some kind of work. That's how I started out. My first jobs were waitress and chambermaid. Now I have two degrees.

I have no bio-kids, so this is my take from a step-parent perspective.

Your husband sounds like he's at the end of his rope with your living situation. He knows you love your kids and want to protect them, which is why he doesn't say anything and then blows up over dumb things. I know you love your son and you think you're helping him right now, but instead your enabling him and not helping him become independent. Your role of Mom is important, but you may have placed yourself between your son and your husband, putting them at odds. You didn't do this on purpose, you've done it out of love and it's totally understandable.

But it can also wreck your marriage. Your DH (I will most likely feel this way when my DH's kid turns 18) probably felt once the kids become "adults", then the house and your marriage would be centered around the two of you. Instead, it appears to be centered around his step-son. Your DH's frustration may stem from the disappointment of feeling powerless over not being able to have some control in his own home. And as a step-parent we feel we don't have the right to talk to our skids the way we would have if we had own children.

I know you said you live in a rural town and your son can't find work. I'm wondering if it has more to do with the trouble he had a year ago. I grew up in a small town too, rumors and speculations about the trouble he got into a while ago only means your son needs to earn some trust back.

I suggest finding a counselor so you can air your frustrations and feelings and work something out in a neutral setting. Eight years is a long time to be married and you were brave enough to come to a step-parenting site to get some help. Family counseling involving your son would be another idea, because it seems like what he's doing now with his other counselor is not working.

I would also like to suggest sitting down with your DH and talking about the situation. Make an agreement beforehand this is a solution based discussion and that you'd like to keep it positive.This way you can both offer some ideas that could improve your situation. Giving your DH some power to set some ground rules for your son could really help him know you are aware of and are supportive of his feelings.

Maybe suggest that your son has to find a job (any job) and start paying for rent/utilities and a third of the food (set a time line). Come up with a realistic amount that is in line with his income, but not so much that it would keep him from saving the money he needs to get out on his own. But most importantly, your husband will have more respect for your son if he starts making some financial contributions to the household. I think that's what your husband is looking for is some progress that your son is working towards standing on his own two feet. Alternately, your sons confidence will grow as he is more and more able to support himself. I know it's little steps, but they'll make a huge difference in all of your lives.

The goal is save your marriage and help your son become independent. Most importantly, your husband wants you to stand by his side and really listen to his concerns without judgment. He probably really cares and loves your son, but the situation is making him resentful....which is why he's making jabs. It's an unfortunate way for him to air his feelings and it's not making it any easier for you to want to listen to him.

Good luck with this, I honestly hope you and your husband can work things out. Please check back in and let us know how you all are doing.

My bio daughter (24) lived with my DH and I at the same time his bio son (my SS, also 24) was with us. He was angry at my BD, I was angry at his SS. Both had their issues, and neither are bad kids. My BD got back on her feet, moved out, and it was a huge relief. His SS moved out to go back to school (and got into drugs instead but clean now), and it was another huge relief around our house.

Today my DH and I look at each other like we were nutcases for allowing our kids to control our home. I don't mind helping out our kids when they need help, but I won't live with them as adults again. In fact the other evening when my BD was visiting, she asked for a glass of water while she was working on her computer. DH and I both said "it's in the kitchen." We're still laughing about it. Honestly though we both still struggle against enabling them because we just don't see it when we're in the middle of whatever drama they're caught up in.

Your son has to grow up, live on his own, and take care of himself. You have to let him. Lord, I know how hard it is.

Since you live in a small town your son should be able to find a cheap apartment or efficiency. How far is the nearest town with jobs? Is there nothing in your town that he can do for work? At 23 I had a college degree and was living on my own. I know your son has had alcohol issues but you said he's been doing good. Sounds to me like that is a crutch now...an excuse for him to mooch off you and your husband. Where do your other kids live? Could this son live with them to start with? When your hubby married you, he probably thought he only had a few years of dealing with stepkids. In his mind he had 4-5 years but that has turned into twice that! Is this the man you want to grow old with? If so, then you need to put him first now that your 'kids' are adults.

Son needs to move out..even if you have to help him with rent for 6mo, no man will want a grown man living in the home you share with him...!

I'm in the same boat except I'm in the role of your DH as a step to a coddled SD (26) turning 27 in a few months. I moved in with them and it was foolishness from the start. At this point, she's living here rent free, is looking for work and is finally getting the point - after his folks and BM encouraged her - it's time to get her own place. I honestly think that if were weren't married that my moronic DH would allow her to stay here forever and she'd be happy to do just that.

I had a long talk with DH and told him that he failed to teach her two very valuable life lessons - self reliance and independence. Mind you she has an advanced degree. Her character, actions towards me and her selfishness regarding our marriage has caused me to resent her. Had she had her own place when we got married, I likely wouldn't feel this way.

Please have a long talk with your husband about setting goals for your son. I can understand his frustration because he realizes your son is taking advantage of both of you. If there are no job opportunities in your town, it's time for him to move to where the jobs are or maybe consider the armed forces or going back to school and working part time. He can do all of this while in therapy for his addiction. He needs to start planning for his future.

Please don't allow this situation to destroy your marriage. It's time to step up and force your son to start taking steps to become the man that you know he's capable of being. You won't always be around to clean up his mess, and the sooner he learns to depend on no one but himself, the better. Good luck.

I booted my 19year old now 20 year old SS for being that way just a few months ago. You son isn't going to find a job or do anything as long as you are paying the way. I know the economy is bad but there is work out there for those looking and for those who don't expect to be CEO the first day.

At 23 your son should be ready to be on his own, if jobs are not available where you're at, he may have to move the search area farther out. However, if he still has a problem with alcohol, not just getting into trouble, but impeding him from moving forward, more than counseling may be needed. What about school, college or trade school? something that's forward progress.

Your husband isn't wrong in wanting the adult children out of the home, but his behavior regarding food is petty. What are you, roommates?

Wow! is what I said when I read this.

A 23 year old being so coddled? And the stepfather is angry?? I would be too!

My DH has a 25 year old son, ok? He has 2 women out there that have his children. This "MAN" has been so coddled by family that it's unreal. He pays NOTHING towards his kids..nothing. He hangs out on MySpace and Facebook, plays fantasy football, and drinks like a fish as long as someone else is buying the drinks.

His mother has coddled him so much that he feels he owes his kids nothing due to HIM not having much right now. That's his own damn fault.

DH mentioned one time having him move down here with us...my prompt answer was HELL NO!! He does not work nor does he want to. I will not be a party to coddling a grown man. He is lazy, spoiled, and a crybaby. I really hope he's getting himself fixed and puts no more children on this earth that he won't support.

I mean really....a grown man hanging out at your house? How much work can you POSSIBLY come up with that constitutes a full time job?? Quit making excuses for the lazy "MAN" before you lose a good man in your life to this bullshit. Time for sonny boy to grow the hell up. Your husband is blowing up exactly like any normal human being would..it's SILLY to think that a grown man can just hang around your house staining trim and that excuses him from any responsibilities.

I'd find the nearest divorce attorney and call it done if I were your DH. Seriously.

Money for drinking and money for tattoos while living off my hard work would hack me off, regardless of yours or mine. If there are no 8 hr jobs, then he needs to find two 4 hour jobs--better yet, two 5 hour jobs and start a plan for leaving the *nest*.

After bailing out an adult child and living with all the irritations that come with that, I would really be pizzed if I was told to do "something with the dog". Whether you want the dog or not, "J" needs to walk the dog-- daily. It's the least he can do.

You do know that this has nothing to do with a 'tattoo' or 'the dog' right? It's all the stuff underneath that you're really fighting about. It sounds like things have really deteriorated to a tit for tat status. Ask him what his 'expectations' are for your marriage and for your son. Figure out what YOUR expectations are for your husband and your son. Both of you write them down seperately and then Compare lists, meet somewhere in the middle. I had a marriage counselor once tell me to do a marriage contract with DH, meaning write down all of your expectations of each other, compare lists, and agree or disagree on what you can live with. Type it up, sign it, and renew and make changes yearly. I have to admit that I never did do it. But it's a great idea.