I want my own place again!! Am I being selfish?
Tried to shorten this up but failed. I lived alone for over 8 years and loved it. I have never been married and have no children. Five years ago I began seeing by boyfriend who has two children who were with him part-time. I moved to be closer to him a couple years ago and he and his college-age son pretty much moved into my place without anyone ever discussing it with me. At that point it made sense for him to give up his apartment (he hated it anyway) as it didn't make sense for me to pay rent and utilities when two other people were living in my apartment and his was empty. It has been over a year now and I am about to lose my mind. It is a small space, but I find that I just don't want to live with a 20-year-old man/child who thinks it is okay to leave apple cores and dirty dishes right on the floor. And then there is that morose teen attitude. He sucks the energy out of the room. But I always smile and am cheery when SS is there. I hide in my closet if I can't put on the mask. SS is a decent person, but I hate living with him. I HATE it. I have been fantasizing non-stop about having my own place again. For almost a year now I have been having extreme anxiety and fits of rage. Kicking and punching walls and doors, I even grabbed a knife a couple times and stabbed the cabinet. I can't shake it. (note: I am bipolar and have been successfully medicated and stable for years). I hate the person I am becoming and it is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I feel so TRAPPED. My boyfriend swears it will be better in a house. I can afford my own place but my boyfriend might struggle. He wants me to buy a house with him, but I keep changing my mind every other month. He can't buy too much of a house without me so there is SO MUCH PRESSURE TO BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM (he would put up the entire down-payment as I have never wanted or saved for a house). Am I being selfish? How much do I compromise for love? I love him and it makes me sad to think of not being with him all the time, but my desire to live with him is being crushed by my desire to not live with his son. Do I just get a house with him and suck it up? Am I being a whiner?
What you are feeling is
What you are feeling is normal. Don't beat yourself up about it. DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT get a house with your boyfriend. His son will most certainly not be leaving at that point anytime soon and you will have lost your own place making you even more trapped than you are now.
Tell him to get the place on his own and when his son launches, then talk about moving in together.
And...boyfriend shouldn't be
And...boyfriend shouldn't be depending on you to give him the house he thinks he needs.
No, not selfish at all. Ask
No, not selfish at all.
Ask BF when his son is moving out. You will NOT continue to house him. If that means BF has to go to. so.be.it.
Do not, I repeat, do not let
Do not, I repeat, do not let him pressure you into buying a house with him.
Your BF and his son can get another apartment together until the son launches. And do not move back in with the BF until both of them can live on their own. Even then, I would not become financially entwined with him.
I hate living with people. I love my DH and he is very accepting of me and my issues so I make an exception for him.
Seriously, it is not worth your mental health. Everybody compromises a little something for love, but your mental health is not some small thing, like where you squeeze the toothpaste.
As someone who struggles with
As someone who struggles with a mood disorder as well, I told my DH upfront that I will not compromise my mental state for anyone. I am perfectly content living alone, so if I live with another people, they must not compromise my mental state. That means I won't live in a dirty or messy house. I won't deal with loudness all day long. I won't give up having personal space.
It might sound selfish, but when you struggle with a mood disorder, it's not worth it to compromise your own well being for other people. If DH wasn't willing to meet me half-way, I wasn't going to live with him - and that's that. He doesn't really care about messiness, it doesn't bother him. He's not bothered at all by loud screaming and playing all day. He's not bothered by lack of personal space - but he respects that I am.
He cleans up after himself and teaches SD to clean up after herself. He tells her that indoors is a quiet place, unless we're all playing and having fun. He follows my rules about personal space by not allowing SD into our room unless we are both there. And never on our bed. These are simple things that make a world of difference for me. I'm not miserable in my own home - ever - in fact i'm fairly happy.
A relationship is about compromise. If he loves you, he WILL compromise to keep you happy. And if you're not happy having another adult (20 years old!) in the home, he will work on setting a date for him to move out with a roommate or on his own. It's not hard to make sacrifices for someone else's happiness. We as stepparents do it every single day. We help our husbands with their children, we act nice to kids we might not even like, etc.
Also When I wonder if I'm
Also
When I wonder if I'm being selfish, I ask myself... "Am I doing something for my own sake at the expense of others?"
Often times, especially as stepparents, we fall into the trap of thinking it's selfish to put ourselves or our best interest first before our husbands/wives and stepkids. Society basically tells us that in a blended family, we are last.
But if you ask me, if what I'm doing to make myself happy isn't harming others, than I'm not being selfish, I'm simply doing what's best for me.
Also keep in mind... If you're doing something that makes you happy and it IS harming others, why? Is it because you're directly hurting them? Or is it because you're not doing something they should be doing?
Example: my DH (then boyfriend) didn't have a license when we dated. I didn't want to watch SD, so he had to take her to daycare. He had to walk her there because he didn't drive. At first I felt selfish saying no, because it wouldn't make me happy to do, and it was harming him, but that was his own choice.
He could have gotten his license earlier, he could have taken a bus, he could've done a number of things other than expecting me to drive and not planning for an alternative option.
Yes you are being selfish and
Yes you are being selfish and that's OK! You have to take care of yourself first and foremost before you can have a successful relationship w/someone else.
Move out and get your own place. Turn freeloaders around at the door.
Your BF is not clear on the
Your BF is not clear on the problem. The problem is the man child living with the two of you. It is not the rent Vs. by conundrum. If SS moves into a house that you and his father buy together, nothing major changes and the problems will continue.
I would advise that the test is that SS should be evicted and BF can then see the improvements that happen in the home dynamic.
NO do not buy a house with
NO do not buy a house with your boyfriend... cause SS will always be living there...
simply tell SS - sorry kiddo you are an adult, this is my flat and way to small for 3 adults, you have 30-90 days to find alternative accommodation. What ever time you decided, and he's not out, simply pack his stuff and put it out side, change the locks...
if your boyfriend does not like it, pack his stuff as well....