Oh thank GOODNESS that someone agrees with what I've been thinking. My DH does NOT comprehend the disaster that comes with having his son move in, especially when he's going to be labeled as an offender for some 25 years. I told DH that we cannot afford a house to live in and that no matter where we go, he's not coming with us. My DH thinks everything is cut and dry with him living with us and I said NO! I told him that there are so many factors coming in that makes him a danger not only to himself but to us. I'm sorry, I don't want my things or anyone hurt because of him.
SS did this crime while his father was moving me to where we live now. DH keeps saying he didn't know or ask for this however, what's done is done. I won't allow him to live with us and my DH almost walked out on me because "you promised to let SS move in after he gets out of prison." I told him, "Sorry but I have a weapon in the house and he can't move in."
"Can you put it with my friend's collection?"
I just about s**t myself. I couldn't believe he said that...yeah, I am at odds over all of this and all my DH can see is that he's "not giving up" on his dingbat son. I am in my right mind to call his BM and say, "Take responsibility for your kid.." however, it's not really my place.

Yeah, I felt like I went from the frying pan into the fire. DH doesn't know the damage that kid has caused everyone. He's lied, he's threatened, he's stolen, he just doesn't care. DH has told me about his manipulative nature and they're feeding on it. I'm going to change counselors and see if DH and I can go to this recommended counselor so that she can get through to him about his enabling behavior. I'm fed up and physically ill-however he seems that he doesn't care. I told him I'm on medication because of his family and he got angry. Well, the truth hurts, doesn't it??

I'm looking at options. I don't know if I want to be a part of this dysfunction anymore...and that's sad. I love DH but if he's going to let his son rule his life, then maybe I need to go.

First of all, I would love to give you all a huge hug. We step-parents don't have it easy. I guess the illusion of having a "normal" marriage with a "normal" step child was too much to ask for.
The update I can give you is that I've gotten a great counselor that has dealt with prisoners and now counsels those in private practice. She's not going to sugar coat the issue and I think DH is in for a VERY rude awakening when it comes to me and his son. He says he's open to anything however, it's not going to be easy for him and especially not his controlling mother. I think DH is going to tell MIL that he's not taking her up there for a while so that he can grow up and be a man. It's going to be very hard for him to not see his son but he has to grow up and know he did NOT fail his son; his son failed him and his family.
One of the things I told DH is that the counselor did NOT agree that I should give up anything for my SS. That residence belongs to me and my DH, not the SS. I do not want SS to be a guest, I do not want him around for a very long time as he has caused a s**tstorm of drama for everyone who loved him. So far, when I have talked with her briefly is that I should not have to give up anything for SS, I should not have to go see him in prison if I don't want to, I don't have to do a thing for him and most of all, that DH and MIL need to learn the term "boundaries". Sadly, neither of them know what boundaries are and do not accept or play ignorant of the crime their son/grandson did. This wasn't a drug related crime. This wasn't a robbery related crime. This was a sex crime against a minor; a child. I know there are things that the counselor might tell me that I might not like and I'm hip to that. Right now, she's stated to me that she's telling DH that he's an adult and he needs to make his way into the world without anyone's help. Communication needs to be cut off for a while to see if he has straightened up or not. If he hasn't, then DH will have his answer. However, MIL probably won't cut off contact at all. DH says he can't control her and what she does, but something NEEDS to be said to her and a foot put down. She going to make every excuse in the book why SS needs attention-excuse my language, but **** him. He deserves nothing but what he deserves from his own negativity and selfishness. I am standing my ground with this and DH knows now that this is a make it or break it issue. The Tom Petty Song, "I Won't Back Down" comes to mind...I will stand my ground and I won't back down..."

Oh trust me, this has been brought up, ITS-OVER. Apparently my DH doesn't care about being evicted and all this jazz. He thinks that everything with his son is cut and dry and that people will forgive and know he's not a bad guy, yadda yadda yadda. Unfortunately it's not like that as there is going to be Hell to pay for such a terrible crime. He is not coming to live with us as I'm putting my foot down regarding this. His son needs to grow up and own up to his actions to the victim, to his family...everyone he's hurt and destroyed. He did this to himself, why should everyone else have to pay the price for his mistakes? WHY? He needs to be by himself, taking care of himself, and not have any contact with his family until he straightens up IF he does. With his sociopathic behavior, something tells me he's just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off...

Well...I wanted to give everyone an update on our situation.

DH and I went to the counselor who had experience with inmates, especially ones who have created sex offenses. I needed my DH to hear what she had to say.

Well...it was bad for DH and I was right the whole time. He had to hear it from another person and not just me.

First of all, SS turned DOWN a chance to be in a SO unit in the town where we live, do 3 years and be closer to everyone. What he decided to do was go to Omaha where he wanted to get out earlier; in other words, he blew his chances to truly get help and now he's put himself in danger with the prison population where he IS located. I couldn't believe it and DH is angry. He not only didn't care about the traveling we're doing to go see him, he didn't want to be in a place where it would be mandatory that he get help and put into group therapy and such, which means, he's not getting any help.

Second, he has not sought help at all so the possibility of parole for him this September is NONE, thank goodness. The counselor told DH that he cannot get out of prison until he gets the help he needs and he has not sought any. Worse yet, his first parole hearing will be a stickler. Because of the "jury" parole board seeing that he's not getting help or thinks he has a problem, they'll turn him down in a heartbeat.

Third, I was afraid of this but I was vindicated in my voice. The counselor told DH that his son was a sociopath and that he knew right from wrong. DH said that he has ADD or ADHD and the counselor told him that was NO EXCUSE for his behavior. The eye opener my DH needed was said; SS will do the crime again and him moving in with us will give him a reason to fall back into his old ways. We would have to be responsible for him and if he ever did anything wrong, we'd be held accountable. So, I brought up to her that I owned a firearm. She said, "Why do you have to give up something of yours for someone who has shown you NO RESPECT at all?" I cried because I was vindicated in my voice. DH had to hear it from someone who's been there, done that. She had a copy of his sentencing papers and apparently, his sentence is 4-6 years instead of 3-5 years. Oops. She stated that him moving in with family would be the WORST thing he could ever do,

Fourth, the grandmother needs to not be so involved in her grandson's care. The counselor was firm in her stance that DH had to tell his mother not to interfere and that SS needed to be somewhere else other than with us. I was so relieved. I told her that his mother has been the bane and cause of a lot of issues with SS. So my DH has to tell his mother the situation and I said, "She's going to throw a fit." DH said, "Well, tough s**t."

I about passed out.

So, SS will be going to a halfway house after he gets out; he will NOT be moving in with us. It is my terrible feeling that he will not do what he's supposed to do when it comes to parole because he can't help himself. The counselor was firm in her stance that SS is a sociopath and that there is nothing anyone can do to change him. Only he can change and she said he won't.

Although I'm happy that SS is not moving in with us, I'm concerned about MIL throwing a fit and blaming me and everyone else on why her GS cannot move in with her. She is having her power taken away...she NEEDS the power taken away. }:)

My DH and I are going to continue counseling. All of those hugs DH has received from SS were fake and uncaring. That breaks my heart for DH...Counselor stressed most important that DH did NOT fail his son. Watching,for one moment, that unbound relief on his face was worth the tears, the heartache, the arguing, everything. He is not at fault for his son's behavior...

So here are the Cliff Notes of my posting:

-SS NOT moving in with us
-SS is a sociopath and will not change
-SS is going to a halfway house and will probably be there the rest of his life OR will wind up back in prison
-DH will be telling my MIL, his mother, that under no uncertain terms is SS moving in with her and she can't do anything about it
-SS has not received or asked for any help regarding his condition
-SS is a master manipulator and selfish; he will not change
-SS turned down a chance to be with a SO group here where we live, to get help, to be with others of his crime and safe-only to go over an hour away and be with the rest of the prison population, putting himself into danger
-DH and I need work on our marriage without any interference from his mother or from SS. They should not be a priority over our lives like they have been..

I'm downloading right now in a mellow kind of way. You'd think I'd talk about this but I cannot. I don't know why.

On another note, I wrote a letter to the parole board asking them to NOT let SS go from prison; that I think he's in dire need of long term psychological therapy and has no business being out in the general public. My counselor stated that he will do the crime again because he has no conscience...

People like that need to be locked up for life. It could save a lot of lives that way...

If it wasn't for you all, I would've just walked out of the situation before giving US a chance to work things out. I love DH very much and this, even at my age, was more that I could deal with (more than he could, too). My DH and I deserve a chance at happiness without the dyfunctionalness of his family adding to the crazymaking....

you know?

DH now knows that his son is beyond help. Although he's scared of his son being out on the streets, he knows that him coming even remotely to our house is wrong. It's going to take a little bit to calm down the craziness of what has gone on but it will be okay.

Thank you all!!

Thank you, Rags, for asking about me.

To be honest with you, I dumped my Biological Family after the debacle with my ex husband. My SIL (sinister in law) and my brother told me I was going to Hell for divorcing my ex and that I needed to respect my Biological Father (BF) even though he beat the mess out of me and my brother and told us repeatedly we were worthless and crap.

They crapped on me when I needed them the most and never ONCE stood up for me when all of the mental abuse was going on with my ex. After I received my grandmother's rings that were rightfully mine, I walked away never to look back. My family has a horrible history of dysfunction, abuse and depression that I no longer, at 43, want that in my life. I have too much to look forward to in life than to live in the presence of narcissists, abusers, a-holes and people who think they are holier than THOU and can use religion against you to suit their needs. To throw stones in a glass house, these people go ahead and do this because they feel the need to tell you their opinion whether you like it or not. You're the problem of why your life is a pit of despair, blah blah blah.

Two words: **** them.

How am I doing? I guess I'm doing well. I mean, you can't change people's way of thinking and you can't tell people what to do. They're going to do things you don't like however I can stand by my principles even at the cost of something dear to me. When I talk to the counselor on Friday, I've made the decision that I'm never want to see SS ever again. I was r***d when I was 14 and the issue hit home. I cannot nor will not condone the actions of a felon even if he's my DH's son. I tried to see things from DH's perspective but it's completely skewed and messed up. I don't care if the felon is his son, HE DID WRONG. He did a horrible kind of wrong that gets you killed if the right person found out about it. What SS did was in both the big city and town papers, much to my DH's embarrassment. I finally had the nerve to ask, "Is this what you expected from SS with how scrambled his thinking is?"
He couldn't answer that. Therefore, I do not want to be or go anywhere near the prison where he's located at. If DH wants a relationship and MIL, they can have one but I'm sticking with my principles. I cannot nor will not have anything to do with someone who will (and this is from my counselor's words) repeat the actions again once he gets out. No thank you.

In the meantime, I've done things to help myself and will continue to do some healing as the days go on. I've been asked by a website administrator to do a radio program and to write on their website full time while having my blog. I'm also doing my crafts and writing a book (I don't want to give myself away too much) about my paranormal experiences. It's my goal to keep on moving and if people want to catch up, fine. If not, they'll be left behind in the dust. I'm tired of compromising myself to the wants and needs of people who do not deserve my time, my attention and my thoughts. I need to start thinking about myself for a change. It's my time now and I will use it more wisely with better people.

Oh, you asked about my friends who were there to support me. Uhm...where? The two friends I had went RIGHT AFTER ME stating that my DH was right and that I was the a-hole. One has since dumped me as a friend and the other one, done. After 20 plus years as close friends, it pains me to see that they see only DH's side of the picture and can't comprehend that his son is a sex offender. They defended him. If they defend him and his actions with his son, then I don't need them in my life. People don't know the whole story however here I am on this website telling everyone not only the truth but more than I've told anyone else in my life. To be honest, I need this kind of anonymity to voice what I couldn't do to many of my friends and loved ones. I was ashamed. I was sad. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I've kinda developed a tough s**t attitude now where, if someone doesn't like what I said about SS, then they have to deal with it, not me. I'm tired of being the one who has to "bow down" to the will of DH and MIL.
Not anymore. I'm too strong of a person for that. Now it's my turn to shine.

I wanted to give you all an update in regards to SS in prison and DH, who is his father. We went to counseling today and it seems to be getting better. The counselor asked what was the issue with me and I stated, "his son". I admitted to DH that I no longer wanted to see his son, no longer talk to him because his crime hit too close to home and that he's not allowed in our house whatsoever. I continued stating that he doesn't care about any of us and that we're nothing but tools to use when he wants to-I won't put up with that.
The counselor asked DH what he gets when he goes up to see SS in prison and all he said was that SS talks about himself. His MIL said the same thing to SS and to DH and now, the gloves have been taken off...and thank goodness they have been. DH broke down and stated that, for many years, he never received a Father's Day card and now everything was laid out. The counselor suggested that, because SS is a sociopath, that nothing we say or do will get him to change if at all. So DH has told everyone that he will not go see SS until he makes concerted efforts to change his behavior. DH also said that "he's on his own" as far as living is concerned and that he washes his hands clean of his son.
So the bottom line is that his son is on his own as far as living conditions and life. He's an adult, DH raised him a lot better than this and finally he sees what SS has done to everyone. It's going to be a long road however, MIL will want to see her GS and DH will no longer take her up there. He wants nothing to do with his son unless he gets help, in which we have no faith in. SS cannot feel anything but himself. He doesn't care so no one is going to care either.
What I saw today lifted off my shoulders as far as stress is concerned. However this victory is bittersweet. I wanted to have a friendship relationship with my SS however, now I want nothing to do with him. I never thought in my life that something like this would come across my path or my DH's path. SS will not change. SS will do only something if it will shut you up. SS is a sociopath that will and cannot change.

I guess the worst that came out of it is if SS got help, it would only be to learn empathy so that he could catch his next victim, someone younger and probably ...I got sick from this in the office. What I was told was so disturbing that it was almost too much for me.

SS is now a danger to himself and everyone around him. DH nor I will tolerate anything regarding him any longer.