I don’t want my SD living with us
My stepdaughter moved in to my house with my two young girls and husband back in July to go college here in CA.
SD is 18 and has lived with her mother her whole life. She decided to take a chance and go to college in CA and live with us. My H is paying fully for her college tuition no help from BM and continues to pay BM full child support since he has a son living with BM as well.
Long story short, I’m struggling everyday with my SD living with us. She is a great kid, working, going to school, etc. I just feel she is intruding on my daily life and my family. Sorry I’ve never felt as my Skids were my children. We have never blended as many families do, since they only came over ever other weekend if that.
This is adding a financial burden and more stress to my life. Husband has no clue and thinks it’s all on him but it’s not since I run our household and make our social activity plans.
I do not want the burden of keeping her entertained. She is in college and should be making friends her own age.
I’m glad there is a forum like this to at least vent how I’m feeling.
Why would the burden be on
Why would the burden be on you to keep her entertained? Continue with your social plans as you did before, your SD can do her own social thing.
Financially, it should be on your husband but I know that it doesn't work that way. Please tell me that his CS to BM has been reduced since the SD is now living with her father. What does the divorce decree state about college? Are both parents to contribute or is it voluntary?
I understand feeling that it is an intrusion, I think that is a natural feeling, so no need to be sorry.
Have you, can you, talk to your husband about it?
CS not being adjusted since
CS not being adjusted since we talked to a lawyer who said my H income much more so best to say till SS is 18, which will be in 2019.
I guess I feel obligated to include her in activities but most of them are usually things 7 and 4 yo olds want to do. She has no social life of her own. My husband went out all day last Saturday and asked me to play a game with her. I was so mad.
I can’t talk to him about this. He does not understand and this was his decision to alllow SD to live with us.
I’m having thoughts of divorce and separation from him. This to me is putting a strain on our marriage and alone time.
I’m seeing a therapist tomorrow so I hope that helps
If you can't talk to your DH
If you can't talk to your DH about your feelings, then you have a bigger problem than SD living with you. It sounds like the SD isn't doing anything wrong, but you don't have to entertain her. If your DH asks you to play a game or entertain her and you're not up to it, simply tell him no that you have other plans and go on your way.
It sounds like you need to let your DH know what you are comfrotable with. He sounds completely in the dark. Once you talk to him, you can gauge his reactions and see how much of a problem you actually have on your hands.
Yes agree. I’m having other
Yes agree. I’m having other issues I need to deal with my H. He is very insecure and it drives me crazy. SD living with us is just making me feel crowded when all I want is space
It is, after all your home too
You have the right to be comfortable and at peace in your home. DH needs to know that.
Was this discussed
Was this discussed beforehand or did your DH decide on his own? Or did she just show up? I agree with the others. Let him know how you feel. It's fair to ask him to take on a larger portion of the household expenses unless she pays rent. Decide on timelines for how long adults will be allowed to live with you. Of course this will apply to your kids too. Do you plan to kick them out at 18?
And don't let him make plans for you. You don't have to entertain her.
Ideally she would live in the
Ideally she would live in the dorms or with roomies to get the full college experience. I'm with hereiam, you're not there to entertain her and if she is working and going to school there should be little extra time for her to do much else. If she is going to continue to live with you during her college years I would set up her room as her own studio with a tv, fridge and microwave, that way most of her needs can be met in her own space.
I was in similar situation
My SS dropped out of college and came back home for a year and a half. It's hard to explain to others how this disrupts your privacy and comfort level even if they really aren't any trouble. Your daughter is extremely lucky to have her dad paying for college. My daughter's dad didn't help at all and she has thousands of dollars in student loans to pay back because I couldn't expect my DH to pay for her college. It seems like your SD could get a student loan and live on campus. It would be much more of a college experience for her and help with her independence. There is no way my daughter would have chosen to live with us when she started! She has loved being on her own with friends.
Yes DH is bioDad so he is
Yes DH is bioDad so he is obviously going to do everything he can to support her. She is lucky to be living with us, has her own room and private bathroom (at her BM house she shared a bathroom with 5 others)
It’s a change for me. I’ve gone to living just the 4 of us to having another full time body in my home constantly.
It was discussed prior to her moving but not a choice on part. Up until a month of her moving out we weren’t sure she would make the leap. Some days I’m not sure she is happy here and will stay.
my DH is somewhat clueless when it comes to how I feel about this but I’ve opened up about seeing a therapist, today I saw her and went well.
A couple of weeks ago I told
A couple of weeks ago I told my OSS who is still only 12 that he should go to university in the city where we live. However, I told him that he would have to live in student housing at least one year of his degree. He said he planned on that. I told him he could live with us the rest of the time, but for one year he had to be in student halls.
He said he'd rather live elsewhere the whole time, because he thought that would be more fun?
What could be more fun than living with middle-aged nerds? Honestly! Eh?? TELL ME!!??
I can think of nothing more
I can think of nothing more fun than living with middle-aged nerds. Except for maybe two middle aged nerds torturing a college kid that lives with them.
But hey, I am until recently a middle aged engineering geek. I am not sure that once I qualified for AARP membership I can still claim middle age.
Just out of curiosity why on
Just out of curiosity why on earth would you have to entertain an 18 year old that is in college? If she doesn't have any friends than she needs to make them but I wouldnt put that burden on myself. As far as finances you have to communicate with your H. He's not going to read your mind and know what you're thinking and how you feel. Your H should be able to reduce the CS especially now that SD is living with you both and paying college expenses.
Talk to you him or you will continue to suffer in silence.
I understand your dilemma.
I understand your dilemma. SD22 spends way more time with us than I'd like. I'm looking forward to the day that she gets her own life and stops relying on us for entertainment. I agree with the others, this is an issue that needs to be worked out with your husband. Nothing will ever change if he is not on board with what you're wanting.
He should be able to reduce..
He should be able to reduce the child support after all both children are not living with the mother. Depending on their divorce decree College expenses are usually divided 50/50 so not only should he be able to reduce child support he might be able to reduce his costs in general if he can get half of the expenses from the mother.
I was never one to have roommates or live with friends and because of that I am pretty private too It is hard to start living with someone new at any age especially if they are adults. It was hard for me with my step-son. I was used to my privacy and found it hard to live with him.
My H makes triple what he was
My H makes triple what he was making when they went back to court so he can’t get the CS reduced and they didn’t include who pays for college. He just gets screwed cause BM is a lazy piece of shit that hasn’t held a real job her whole life. Praying that saga ends when SS turns 18 and hopefully moves out
couch surfer is back and sitting in her phone all night. I wish I had the confidence to say to H, I don’t want her living with us but honestly I don’t have s reason why so he won’t accept it and it sucks
"Because I said so." Is
"Because I said so." Is reason enough. "I want privacy in my own home without lazy adults interfering in that."
End of dicussion.
Call the locksmith, rekey the locks.
I was just about to say ..
I was just about to say something similar to what Miss Denise said...
Maybe you should talk to your husband about her moving into a dorm but try it from the point of view that you are worried about your step-daughter adjusting and not interacting with people her own age. Also that you are worried that she is not getting the whole college experience living there with the both of you and 2 small children ... You think that maybe next semester she should move into the dorms. It would give her time around people her own age and give her some of her own space and irresponsibility. It would be a great growing experience for her.
This way you get to have your space back, you do it in a kind and caring way and it would be truly the best thing for your Step-daughter too...
She goes to community college
She goes to community college no dorms. No one saved a dime for her college education so all expenses are falling on my H (his choice not mine)
a dorm I hope and pray when she transfers to 4 year school in 2 years
That is too bad ..
That is too bad and a 4 year school is too far in the future ... Maybe there is another solution that would help now...
It is a difficult situation and I feel for you as I found it very hard when my step-son lived with us. He was ALWAYS home so I never had a minute to myself. He never cleaned up after himself and we argued about him a lot. I found myself tolerating more from him than I ever would my own child because I wasn't comfortable enough to tell him what I needed to.
He wouldn't take his shoes off even after we got new floors. I told my husband a million times to mention it and he would and my step-son just ignored it. Then my husband and I would get into a fight about it. I truly feel for you..... Hopefully someone will have some good suggestions.
I used think it would be worth it to chip in for an apartment just so he would be on his own and not at our house. Weigh your options if you are already paying a lot for her now maybe with some roommates it would not be that costly ... and certainly less costly to our sanity!!
Dorm or apt. with a roommate
She's at the age where she needs to start out on her own. They typically live in a dorm their first or second year. Talk to your DH and start the process. Also, demand she get's a part time job after she gets settled. Plus her dad can explain this is the best way to meet kids her age. I think you should have spoke up long before she moved in because nobody should move into your home unless both spouses agree to this. BM tried to dump SS on us when he went through the terrible teens, wasn't going to happen. Also we had a 3 bdrm house at the time so no room with the other kids. I would try this approach before divorce. Good luck.
Try talking to your husband
Try talking to your husband about getting her a part time job and setting a time line. That will get her out of the house and also what stilllearning suggested. Her own TV, microwave, mini fridge. I would not include her in my social plans go and live your life as normal.
She has a part time job but
She has a part time job but doesn’t work weekends. She needs another job I think on weekends to meet people since she is socially awkward and not going to make friends sitting at home everynight with Dad
a job or maybe
maybe she could join a club at college or the YMCA ... what are her interests? Maybe you could have a conversation with her about her interests and from that find a group or an organization where she could attend and meet people with the same interests..
this could take off to a social life and another job and an apartment with her new friends!!!!
I have been encouraging her
I have been encouraging her and my H to find clubs or activities at college, there have to be some?!!
I have no idea what her interests are except babysitting but that won’t get you any adult friends. I hope this 2nd semester she will open up maybe join a campus gym or do something more than sitting home every single night and all day Sat / Sun!
I need to find a postive way to say hey yes Big Sister program is very honorable but you won’t make friends your age that way. (She wants to volunteer) This girl is so co-dependent on her BM
When I was 18-19 I did not want to be with my parents. I had my own apartment for god sake.
I hear ya!!
I hear ya!! When I was 18, I got married and when I was almost 19 I had a baby. I left home at 18 and while I got divorced very young, in my early 20's I still never went back home!!
Do just as you said have a positive conversation with her and expand on it asking or helping her to find ways to make friends her own age. Maybe say " you must be bored hanging with us all weekend, we have to find you some fun activities with people your own age. What do you like to do? What are your interests??"
If you find something she likes to do have that be your event for the weekend and go with her or take her places where she might meet people her own age. Example if she likes to ice skate plan a family outing ice skating, while it might not be your choice of how to spend the weekend your goal is to get your weekends back to yourself so putting a few weekends in to get your life back would be worth it.
Make finding her a life a top priority. The first few things may not work but you just keep trying. It would be a win win actually win, win again so 4 wins .... you look like you have taken an interest to your husband win, she may find friends and a life win, you have actually helped her the most as she will benefit huge from this win, you get your life back win again!!! So Win/Win/Win/ Win!!!!
In the end if you have put all of this effort in and she is still sitting home with you every weekend, then going to your husband and saying something about the living arrangement might be a lot easier for you as you can point out all you have done to make it work and help her and it just isn't working... All just a suggestion :)
It's hard when your spouse
It's hard when your spouse asks you for something so huge - like letting an adult child move in. Although it's not exactly the same, my husband asked me in April 2018 to let his brother and 3 children move in with us while he got on his feet. My brother-in-law's wife is a serial cheater and kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. My husband's request put me in a tough spot. If I said no I was risking him being angry and resentful towards me, so I felt obligated to say yes even though I can't stand his brother and didn't want him living with us. From day one it was a nightmare. They finally moved out one week before Christmas (2018) and my daughter (adopted by my husband) moved in. I wish everyone would stop asking to live with us because it puts a strain on our marriage. My husband has never treated my daughter the same as his daughters (my stepkinds), even though he adopted my daughter. But, back to the original point - it is tough when you have people living in your house that you're not used to. It sounds like you've tried to include her and you're doing the best you can. Just remember to engage in some self-care and be open to talking with your husband, if he wants to. I think it's awesome that you're trying so hard.