Perhaps I missed something but him having a cup of coffee daily with his adult child doesn't seem out of line. If you want to see his kid(s) on your terms invite them over when it will be convenient. Coffee and a breakfast roll or a regular meal and conversation.

I'm assuming you do get along with the the kid(s) because you don't mention anything other than un-announced visits.

I fully understand where you are coming from. It isn't about your DH having coffee with him, it's the fact he does it behind your back and things become secret. I can also understand how you feel protective of your family unit right now and you feel fear of anything getting in the way of that. It sounds like there have been issues over the years with your SK's that your DH just doesn't understand.

You are asking for advice here, what is it that you are wondering about? What is your ideal situation with the SK's (not that it is necessarily possible) but it would help to know what it is you would like to happen and go from there.

dtzybind, what an excellent synopsis of the situation!!

Well said manymoments. I think OP is struggling with mixed emotions and sure it may not have made a lot of sense, and she admitted the post was long and she needed to vent. Sometimes just venting here helps to make sense of all the stuff going on inside our heads. Ruminating can be a killer and so damaging, so to get it out here to process with others can be very helpful. I know myself, I actually read this post and some of it reminded me of my own situation, so I read through all the comments and then I wrote a letter to my SO articulating what was really bothering me, and it was around him not being honest.

So all in all, I say, let's keep venting, and helping each other process these jumbled thoughts swirling round and round in our heads!

Agreeing with CheriWilson...seeing it put this way makes a lot of sense to me!

You know this is quite a common situation with ADULT skids and I don't believe it's necessarily a 'control' issue. If the separation was because of differences of opinion about the way your husband parented his kids, I can see why you're upset. I'm guessing that you were hoping for some time to re-bond before having to face the very thing that was most likely responsible for your breakup in the first place. You've not even moved back and here he is expecting things to go back to the norm right off the bat. Should he have explained to his ADULT child that perhaps another time would be better, probably. Unfortunately, he didn't, and this hurt your feelings. You might have even thought, 'here we go again... nothing has changed!'

I don't agree with the concensus that you expect him to forgo a relationship with HIS kids. I certainly don't agree with the notion that the majority of SM's on this site have this expectation either. Most, simply expect there to be boundaries and there aren't, in many of the situations here. Definitely sounds like this is the case for you. You just wanted some time before diving back in to the mix. There is nothing wrong with that and don't let anyone tell you differently. You are merely trying to salvage a broken relationship. You assumed that DH was on the same page when he obviously wasn't. That's not control, it's miscommunication.

Could he have said to HIS kids, 'listen, it would be nice if you would call before dropping by.' Yes, and he should have. Instead, he left YOU holding the bag for a decision that you both made as a condition of your reconciliation. That wasn't fair to you or his kids. He blameshifted to avoid being the bad guy which left you on bad footing with the skids moving forward. I was beyond pissed when my exH did this to me. Say this but, do that. He's placating both sides to avoid HIS discomfort. Add that he's sneaking around for coffee with his kids and not telling you... which is about HIS inability to be honest with either side. This is classic! LMFAO.

Listen, there is nothing wrong with common decency. As adults, they should call before just dropping by. Only ill mannered people would think otherwise. Unfortunately, courtesy is a lost art these days. As an ADULT, I am a guest in my mother's home. It is HER home, not mine. While visiting there I act as a guest. Again, this is simple manners. If the shoe were on the other foot and you were constantly dropping by your ADULT childs home with no advance notice, you would be seen as a meddling mother with boundary issues, right? Ironic that so many people refuse to it from THAT perspective.

Bottom line, you and your DH need to sit down and talk this out. Either you will save this marriage and find a way to be happy or you'll have to move on to a healthier place for your own children, separately. There needs to be clear and concise, agreed upon boundaries and rules if this is to work. He doesn't get to say this but, do that. It won't last if he does. You didn't force him to take this route, he simply did what was easiest and less uncomfortable for him. Selfish if you ask me.

Hope things calm down for you soon.

Well said already gone. I am continually amazed by the posters that assume that adult children should be able to waltz into their parents homes without having to ask whether or not their request to visit falls at a convenient time for all of the household occupants. Despite what some have posted imo - if you are not a resident you are a guest. I am a guest in my mothers home. I do not walk in uninvited. If she is in the middle of doing something or entertaining others I do not get my feelings hurt if my request to visit is delayed. For anyone to think that all adult children have to do is announce their intention to visit and the SM or parent has no right to reply that their request is coming at an inconvenient time is ridiculous IMO.
Just because the original posters husband has adult children does not mean that he should not show his spouse the simple courtesy of having his adult children visit when it does not inconvenience his spouse. The husband should have discussed with his wife when a more convenient time for their visit would be instead of turning it into the situation it is now. It is not too much to ask that some notice be given. PerhAps there are some families that enjoy living with people coming and going all of the time however many of us enjoy our peace and tranquility.
Just because some of us do not want drop in visitors does not mean that we do not want our husbands to not have a relationship with his adult children. Just because we may indicate that a particular visit is inconvenient does not mean that we are demanding that our spouse has to ask for permission to see his adult children. original posters husbands actions were IMO extremely passive aggressive instead of working together to make a decision about when a better visit time could be arranged he took it upon himself to lay all of the blame on her while he secretly did what he wanted behind his wife's back.
I wouldn't care if my h went to coffee or whatever with his adult children. I don't care to know if my h does or doesn't actually but I can understand where the original poster felt in this case that her husband was not honest with her about the situation.
The original poster should feel free to vent her feelings.

Wow, this is a great discussion! I'm curious OP what you are taking from these posts, I can see both sides of the argument. I agree that of course the DH should have a relationship with the kids and I didn't hear OP suggesting otherwise, I think DH going behind her back to see kids is not okay. I also agree that when SK called, DH should have simply stated it was not a good time and to come another day. Most women have a sense of pride about their home, the house was a mess and it sounds like both OP and DH were busy. Come another day, no big deal. But don't set the SM up to be the bad guy.

Cheri, your points are valid and perhaps some SMs resent the relationship DH has with their kids. But from what I have read and my own experience, it didn't start that way. Most SMs start with good intentions, and love in their hearts and get told they are not wanted, they are not a a part of the family, and have to live with SKs who try to break up the relationship. So is it any wonder some SMs struggle? They see the man they love excluding them, not standing up to the situation and not asking their children to show some respect where their wife is concerned. This takes its toll and from what I read with OP, it sounds like what has happened is a huge build up.

So yes, both sides of the argument have merit. However OP has asked how to deal with the situation which is why I ask, what are you taking away from these posts???

the more my DH visits his adult kids without me, the less i have to see them. perfect!

FDH and I just discussed this in therapy. FDH invited the all kids and grandkids over when I wanted a quiet evening. I was pissed- I left. FDH was shocked and angry I left. I felt he didn't respect my wants and needs or my time and he felt I left bc I don' like his kids coming over.

He agreed to be respectful of my wishes next time and I agreed not to bail when his kids come over. WE had to meet in the middle. The therapist explained there are no winners here (clearly) and both sides are going to build irreversable damage and resentment by not respecting what eachother needs. It's true- I bail everytime his kids come because it's chaotic, loud and I can't stand them- he is hurt by that but he was also told that they need to clean up after themselves and respect me as the woman of the house if he wants me to stick around when they visit. AND he has to let me know whats going on- not just invite them over last minute and not inform me until they are at the door. He agreed. We will see how it goes

Maybe my situation will help, maybe it won't. I completely understand your frustration and the situation you are in, and it's true there are no winners, however, if you really want to work it out with your husband you might have to give a little and act like you want to be apart of things or be around them every once in awhile and he may soften up and give you the respect you want too.

My FDH also does not stand up to his kids and I cannot deal with that, thats part of the reason why I was so upset SD21 didn't pick up after the kids after I spent all weekend cleaning bc he doesn't have the balls to tell her to pick up after her damn kids. I refuse to do it so FDH does it. Nest time-per therapy he HAS to tell her to or shits going down and all bets are off. It's a respect thing for me and common courtesy which his kids have neither.

Good luck, and you are not out of line for being upset about the coffee/lunch dates. Thats some sneaky shit right there and there is NO reason he should have hid that from you unless he has something to hide. Bullshit

"The first time the DD rings whilst I was painting a room and basically getting the house for us to move back within a week. DH came up to me and ask if it was ok if DD came around, for fcuk sake we haven't even moved in and it wasn't convenient."

I think you should've told your DH that it was ok for her to pop over, but that you two were busy and not to expect much of a visit.  To say it wasn't "convenient" sounds really cold.  If my H and I were painting, and my daughter (my DH's stepdaughter) called to say she'd like to stop by for a quick visit, My DH would make the best of it for me.  We wouldn't stop what we were doing, but he certainly wouldn't insist that I tell her "No."  

 "So DH ended driving up to DD place with our bio. He then tells DD to ring me in the future to check with me- WTF- as if she would do that and I had a go at DH how stupid for him not taking any responsibility - DH didn't want to be the one that said No to them."

You're right, he didn't want to say "No" to them, and he probably never will.  He's trying to appease you, but not doing a very good job.  And the responsibility IS yours, perhaps you should try to think of it that way.  If you're the one who, in fact, is insisting that they call, it's not wrong for your DH to call it for what it is.   

"Fast forward a few months. Guess what I have never received a phone call to see if it was ok to come around- no because they didnt need to because DH had been meeting for coffee/lunch without me knowing- when I found out, I was Infuriated- a great way to completely isolate me from them because they didn't like the rules, DH rolls over to them. It was so hurtful. Anyway big argument and he blamed me because I dont want them around- twist it around and blame me, a phone call was needed and we both agreed- DH stuffed it up by putting the responsibility on me."

You've probably never received a phone call because the last time they called (and did what you asked), you said "No."  I wouldn't cal either, to be honest.  Quit trying to control the situaion -- you'll never be happy if you continue to do so.  If you want them to ring before they come over, and you say "No" when thy call, don't be surprised if your DH meets them out (and doesn't tell you).  Deal with it -- if that's the worst you have to deal with as far as your SKs, count your lucky stars.  If your marriage has been on the rocks and you're trying to patch things up, I think this might be your best way forward.  They haven't isolated you -- you've set boundaries but don't like the outcome.  You can't control their actions, thus you can't control the outcome.  Let it go.  They don't call, they don't come over.  Done...

i'll bet there's a much longer history here that we're not hearing about. i don't think this one story is the entire tale.

i've had a long history of my DH thinking his adult kids are fcuking royalty. there needs have come before mine for decades.

one story, taken out of this long context, my look selfish but i'll bet the OP is at the end of a long rope that DH has taken advantage of. just my opinion.

I grew up in a time when neighbors and relatives popped in all the time. In some ways it was nice to see people casually without the formality of a specific "engagement" for a meal, etc.

But it is a different world today. People have less free time. And it always has depended on the person being visited willing to either welcome people in or just explain that it is not a good time.

Probably TMI but as older empty nesters my DH and I enjoy "personal time" when it happens. Which might be in the middle of the afternoon or at any time. I would not answer the door - but it's real obvious that both cars are there. I expect a phone call.

And I am so happy that SS does not drive.

Meeting other people and hiding it is a lie of omission. My DH did that a couple of times with his son when we first got together. I had not forbidden him to see him or even come by the house. His second wife had and he was just used to hiding it.

That bothered me a LOT. I don't want my partner sneaking around to see anyone. That's a bad foundation for a relationship.

"I've placed myself so in the middle of the opposing end of this scenario, Sickofthem, that I hope you don't mind if I respond to your post to say I think I can understand why the OP's feelings are hurt. I completely agree that this is all her own doing, but her husband telling his kids about it was wrong too. I'm sure she feels like he was talking to them in such a way that doesn't present a united front, and that is what she wants. But, again, you're right that she can't expect that because it's not the way he feels. She wanted him to say "we want you to call first" and "we don't want you to come over right now" but that was also too much to ask of him. He was only trying to do as he promised but didn't expect her to complain as a result and also didn't expect his kids would be told no. I can't really say she is trying to control everything. She's confused and assumed too much. She expected him to think and do the same way she does. That's what she thinks the agreement meant - that he would take on her same feelings and way of thinking concerning his kids, but she was wrong to think that and wrong to expect that "I agree to your conditions" to mean "I can read your mind and we are of the same opinion." That is the reason they need counseling."

I don't mind at all, and I agree.  I think her DH feels caught in the middle.  He agrees with his wife because he wants to appease her, but I think deep down, he doesn't want to do it.  Wrong on his part, and he needs to be honest about it with her; that's what she needs to be calling him out on, in my opinion, at least.  

I'm honestly not sure if telling them was such a bad thing.  From my experience, the thing about a "united front" in step situations is that it rarely IS a united front; husband and wife rarely " think and do the same way" regarding the kids, and EVERYONE usually knows it, thus, the constant conflict, the fights, the back and forth, the secrets, the push and pull, etc.  It's complicated, and it seems pointless to pretend (in this situation, with adult children, at least) that there's a united front when there isn't.  Her statement that, "I'm sure if the Skids knew the hurt it has caused our relationship they would get off on it," tells me that she's sweating keeping the facade of a united front going.  Who cares?  To hell with pretending, I say.  Especially at this point in their fragile marriage.  I don't think there's anything wrong with letting it be known that it is, in fact, her who is insisting on the phone call before visiting.  It is what it is.  Own it.  And if they don't like it, they can hang with their Dad outside the home as they've been doing.  I don't think she is consciously trying to control the situation, but I do think she is doing so.  It's wasted energy.  

sometimes we don't want company. that's why we want them to friggin' call first. just because they are DH's kids, does not mean that they are always welcome. no one is ALWAYS welcome.

hell no. are you kidding?

he's discussing your relationship with his DD? OMG, you've got what i have; a DH involved in emotional incest.

that has to stop or your life will be miserable.

IMHO,

You have every right to request a phone call before skids come to visit. But remember that one day the same will apply to your adult children.

You have every right to expect your DH to not discuss your relationship with his DD.

and your DH is being an idiot for throwing you under the bus and basically destroying any relationship between you and the with Skids. He should work on repairing the damage he has done.