HOW DO OTHER STEP GRANDMOTHERS DEAL WITH THESE ISSUES
When I married my DH I had 1 grandchild. He had 7. Dealing with step anything was new to me and I was new at this situation but have learned a few things since. In the beginning I was all for treating everyone fairly. Now 12 yrs. later I have been through all the usual eye opening experiences I read about on these posts. I have disengaged from his family situation but Ifind myself looking back and wondering what would have been fair without seeming to have the intent of being hurtful. For examples: With my 1 grandchild was it necessary that I buy 8 tickets to every thing I wanted to do with her? Since he was not one who would have done anything with his kids or grandkids because he just was not that in to them. He was great for about 30 min. of riding them around in a cart on the back of the tractor to look good in front of company but that was it. There just was no interest on his part to have to much contact. I had always been different with mine. I had my rough moments but had enjoyed the chilhood yrs. of band, scouting,sports, church with my chidren while they were growing up. He was only married to their mother for 7 yrs. and I had raised mine alone since their father died when young. After several yrs. I felt used. He would agree to the grandchidren coming over but I was left to be care giver. He would be off to all his volunteer activities and I was spending my day off watching kids. If grandkids called and I had the oppurtunity to say "no" they felt hurt. Later as I began to have more of my own grandkids I chose to spend more of my time with them. Then his daughters felt once again that a stepmother had somehow come between the relatioship with their dad. They once again felt 2nd place. Now they have nothing to do with me and see their dad once a yr. My feelings on the issue- If all are treated fairly then their mother should be watching my grandkids so my girls can have a break. Their mother should be buying my grandkids presents,paying for tickets to entertainment.The "WE ARE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE KIDS AND GRANDKIDS" remark should work both ways.
When my husband and I got
When my husband and I got together, I was really excited that he had 7 grandkids that lived near us because my only 2 grandchildren live 1800 miles away and I only get to see them a couple times a year. I've babysat his numerous times and made sure that they had nice and fun birthday and Christmas gifts...something he never did since his loser kids suck all the money from him.
But because there were so many on his side, I set a limit of $50 per kid per event and kept to it even for my own two gks. But this xmas, things really changed for me when SD32 ruined our holiday by refusing to come over. DH went and picked up the little ones and brought them over to open presents and them took them home. But not before the oldest gs told me he wanted a laptop next year...
I started really thinking about it and realized that even the little kids are starting to look at us with dollar signs, just like their parents.
Since SD32 isn't even speaking to me, I no longer will watch her kids. I've decided if my DH wants them to have BD gifts, he can buy them. I'm done. Because if he got hit by a bus today, guess who would never get to see these children again? That's right! Me, the wicked stepmother. It makes me very sad. Each of his grandchildren have 4 grandparents. Maybe not quality ones, but that's a crapshoot anyway. So, I've decided that I will spend my time and money on my own two grandchildren and see them alot more often.
I've already told DH that I will be spending next Christmas with my family. He's welcome to come with me, but I will understand if he doesn't. Personally, I would enjoy the visit more without him.
I think we try our best at the beginning to make things "equal" but eventually it doesn't work. As a stepparent and step grandparent, you're always going to look like the bad guy to someone. I'm just soooo tired of it.
My mom and dad accepted my SS
My mom and dad accepted my SS as their grand child from day one. Of course my parents don't have the challenge of numbers that you have. My SS is an only child in our home and my bro has 3kids so my parents only have 4 GrandSpawn to deal with.
My SS's BioDad has four out-of-wedlock children by three different baby mamas. My SS is his oldest. We have nothing to do with his half sibs nor do my parents or my ILs.
Even when SS and his half sibs were young we never sent gifts for the half sibs in SpermLand. In fact even now that he is older my SS has never asked to get gifts for his half sibs, his SpermIdiot or any one else in the SpermClan nor has he purchased them gifts on his own initiative.
As for including your SGKs in everythign you do with your BioGrandKids, nope, not necessary IMHO. Even my parents who include SS in nearly everything have distinct and separate relationships with each of their grand kids and have dedicated activities with each grand child separately periodically.
I would not feel bad about having dedicated time with your genetic grandspawn separate from time with you stepgrandspawn.
Just my thoughts of course.
I am also a step grandmother
I am also a step grandmother and I can really identify with what you are saying.
However I also have my own bios that are still minors. Unbeliveably my idiot adult 34 yo SD and adult 36 YO SS expect me to treat my step grandkids the exact same as I do my own bio kids! :jawdrop:
As a matter of fact the reason for one of SDs biggest adult temper tantrums was because I went to the movies with my sister and our bios and did not invite the much younger sgrands to go also! I have a previous blog about this past ridiculous temper tantrum!
I also recently commented on someone else's blog about being used to babysit grandkids on my limited days off despite my working fulltime and commuting about 11-12 hrs each day! I finally put a stop to this when I no longer had to babysit my own bios. It became obvious that I was just being used by all involved including H and adult SD was amused by this fact.
My stepgrands also started asking for expensive presents and asking questions about what things I owned and what they were worth and it seemed as though they were just being used to spy on my bios and report back about what bios had so that adult skids could make false assumptions and get their noses bent out of joint over little to nothing.
As a result of adult skids refusal to talk to H and me because they were not given enough of H's inheritance from H's mother - despite not even being designated heirs- and their expressed jealousy of our bio children we no longer see sgrands or adult skids. H goes to drop off presents - that is about it. He could go more often if he wanted to but he doesn't - not my problem now - I have had enough.
I simply refuse to let my bios do without because these people are crazy and jealous. They are the ones that chose to act in this manner - I had nothing to do with it.
It is my adult skids problem if they chose to sit around with their old dried up hag of a mother to dissect and find fault with every momment of every encounter they have with us - such as when they tried to imply there was something evil or wrong with us for sending a birthday card to SS and having only H sign it for our family! I mean - really - who looks at a gift card with this level of scrutiny and what the H*LL for if not to simply look for slights that they WANT to find!!!!!! Also what adult 35 YO shows his gift cards to his MOMMY!!!!!! :jawdrop:
It sounds as though your situaton is very similar to mine. I, like the others, recommend that you take care of and entertain your own grandkids with no guilt. Your H and his ex are responsible for their grandkids - your involvement should only be what you want it to be and when you want it to happen.
IMHO I feel as though nothing you could do would ever seem like equal treatment to these entitled adult skids! If they are like mine and it sounds as though they are they are simply waiting like spiders desperately looking for any thing to criticize - nothing you do will escape criticism. IT IS JUST TOO EXHAUSTING TO DEAL WITH!!!!!
I have 2 grandchildren. I
I have 2 grandchildren. I don't have any steps yet. However, I think I will enjoy my husband's grandchidren too when he has them. I say that because there is a huge gap in our children's ages. His are still in the early teens and mine are grown. So, by the time my kids are no longer having kids, and my grandkids will be too old to be bothered with their Mim, I will have his grandchildren to spoil.
I think it is all timing because if he were to have grandchildren now, I don't think I would enjoy them as much because I'm too busy spoiling my own
I am a step mother to two
I am a step mother to two adult children that one as a child that is 7 months old, and a 19 year old going to have a child anyday. Well we found out at christmas the 19 is going to have a baby and the to ss are both on welfare and my partner and I have 6 kids total and we are for ever giving money to children,.... Anyway both adult children call every month for money for food, diapers I am so scared for new baby in MARCH. I am okay with being a grandma I am not okay that I dont have a savings account and I am in debt. I have been living with my common law since 23 and Iam 33 and we make okay money but its all going to our adult kids, cs for our teenager and daycare for our bdauthers. My partner and I had an argument because over the holidays we helped two of our sons move to nice apartments, and our ss who is going to have a baby managed to get an apartment but we had to furnish the apartment. Of course my common law spent around 500 plus gifts on his one son and he face booked today wanting more money for food he says...it pisses me off because we really have a lot of bills to pay back from christmas and baby is not even here yet and we are dishing him money. I am happy a baby is coming I am not happy that my ss are lazy, perfectly able to work and refuse. We had an argument because I got an incentive of 400 for my work this pay check and he wanted to give his son money who we spent at least 8 hundred dollars on at christmas.....I told my partner have all my money....really I worked hard for it..was going to pay some bills with it... he said we need to help them and I said we did... made him check bank first before he jumped to rescue and very limited in funds... Well he said we will have him 200 then and I will email him no more....he does that for this 22 ss that asks every month as well dad you have money through face book.... I am stressed because there is a baby coming who is my step grandkid and I should not feel stressed financially it is not my choice to have a baby it is my choice to be with this man of mine but.....why am I sacrificing and why do my girls get nothing.... it is not fair....\
Give me advice..
Advice? Okay, CUT THESE
Advice? Okay, CUT THESE WORTHLESS POS SHIT ADULT SKIDS OFF IMMEDIATELY AND LET THEM SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND DECISIONS!!!!!!
How is that for advice?
You and CLDH have younger children who are suffering because their older sibs are consuming resources and parental time and focus that it is the younger sibs turn to have.
You and CLDH are enabling the older ones to remain WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT!
STOP ..... IMMEDIATELY!
The older ones are leaches and need to starve if they will not get off of their asses and support themselves and their spawn. If they don't support their own children then you and CLDH should be the first people to call CPS and have the worthless new parents hauled off for neglecting their children. Your Skids have not learned consequences for their actions. The most important and last lesson and support you and CLDH can provide for your older kids is a firm example of the consequences for not stepping up for THEIR responsibilities. These are not YOUR responsibilities or CLDH's responsibilities. These young adults are making adult decisions and with those decisions come adult responsibilities.
Please do not take my advice as an attack. Your older Skids are just like my own SS's worthless piece of shit SpermIdiot. He lives in a home owned by his parents and pays no rent. He drives their hand me down cars. They raise his three younger also out-of-wedlock spawn in their home with no help from him or the two baby mamas and they pay his CS obligation for my SS who is the oldest SpermIdiot spawn. He just turned 41yrs old and this has been going on since he spawned his first child with my wife when he was 22yrs old. He is a licensed plumber and completely capable of supporting himself and his spawn. He chooses not to and SpermGrandMa enables his WORTHLESS POS crap.
In short, the SpermIdiot IS a worthless PIECE OF SHIT. Just like your older kids are proving that they are.
Does any of this sound similar to the situation in your family? I think so.
The opportunity here is that your Skids are young enough that if you and CLDH put your feet firmly up their asses IMMEDIATELY you have a chance of saving them from being middle aged worthless pieces of shit like my SS's SpermIdiot is. SpermGrandMa is the one that made this mess and tolerates this shit from her worthless piece of shit son. She is the Queen of Worthless Pieces of SHIT! SpermGrandPa tolerates the behavior of both his bitch from hell wife and his worthless PIECE OF SHIT SON. You and CLDH do not have to be co-King and co-Queen of worthless piece of shit spawn land.
So, grab your DH by the short and curlies, tell him to find his sack, step up and stop allowing the older kids to steal time and resources from the younger kids.
If you AND CLDH don't, this whole thing is YOUR FAULT!!!
IMHO of course.
Our son (my SS-18) shows some of his SpermIdiots worthless POS characteristics. We do not tolerate that crap from him. He is historically an honor student who impresses his teachers. Once he has them in his pocket he does nothing. He flunked the first semester of his Sr year of HS at a top 20 boarding school (military) because his SpermIdiot bought him a WoW account and they stayed up all night every night fighting two headed smelly slobber trolls or some such bullshit. So, we pulled him home, cut off all contact with his SpermIdiot and climbed his ass for the second semester of his Sr your so he could graduate on time from our local HS.
He graduated on time. Then he left for his final summer SpermClan visitation under his Custody/Visitation/Support CO. He turned 18 the day he came home from his final visitation. At that point his mom and I gave him the choice of a one way bus ticket back to SpermLand with a single $20 bill in his pocket or enlisting in the armed forces. He chose to enlist. We also use him as our housekeeper and beck and call boy until he reports to basic training. We won't kick him out but we also won't allow him to be a worthless POS. He knows that if he does not clean the family home, cook the meals and otherwise do what we tell him to do when we tell him to do it he can use his bus ticket to SpermLand.
He reports to basic on April 12. Once he is active he can do what he wants because we will no longer be supporting him. If he makes bad choices he knows not to call us.
If your CLDH does not climb on board the accountability bus immediately I would tell him that he is now responsible for 100% of the family support including the house payment, car payments, insurance, food, any money he wants to waste on his POS older children and your income will be dedicated to providing quality of life for the younger children. If he makes the wrong decision, YOU GET FAR MORE THAN HALF even in a common law marriage.
Just my opinion and experience with a worthless POS SpermIdiot and enabling SpermGrandMa and countering the shallow and polluted end of my own SS's gene pool.
Good luck.
I understand perfectly, very
I understand perfectly, very well worded and for the situations mentioned, I decided to disconnect. I have been a stepmom and now grandma for bios and steps for 22 years. It never has gotten better, only lots of blame, pointed fingers and I when I finally had enough I drew my boundaries. I dealt with issues much the same with my inlaws.....husband could do nothing and he was a perfect saint in their eyes, I was the one who was creating trouble. When the truth of the matter was I was the one with a huge load of being everything, doing everything while hubby wasn't even engaging to do his part. I placed my boundaries with my inlaws as well.
If my husband wants contact with his children and his grands, I have no issue with it, I just no longer want to be a part of it. I don't visit my husband's family with him. I do what I want now.....bending over to help and please got me nowhere but pain. If SSs want to cry that I am favoring or being unfair, so be it, it just does not affect me anymore.
It's taken years to get to this point and at first when I was disengaging and letting husband know it was out of hurt and anger but there is a need within us to protect ourselves. He kept trying for a long long time to get me back in the picture but the more I said no and the less angry I was about the whole thing, the more accepting he became.
With my grands (I am talking bio) I also am not the sitter. I do with them, spend time with them I as wish but I do not take responsibility for them. I did at one time but it backfired and I simply will not go there anymore.
The only person we can help is ourselves, the only person we have an obligation to is ourselves and the only person we can make happy is ourselves. It's not selfish. We take care and take in day after day for years, giving and understanding, making chnages for everyone else around us but when you surround your world in everyone else, there becomes nothing left of you.
Thank you for these words
Thank you for your positive words about disconnecting-this is how I am currently dealing with my SD situation and at times I feel I should try to change the situation by talking and trying to explain but it never works. I think the best thing to do is use your advice and feel comfortable with that decision. Many thanks
I only have one SG, and she
I only have one SG, and she lives out of state, thank God. She is cute, and I love kids, and I'm fine for her to visit, but I'm just glad to not have that potential problem in my day-to-day life. As far a gifts, DH and I have always gotten the gifts for our own kids, and it is carrying on to the GK. I wouldn't recommend doing any differently unless everyone is on *really* good terms.