Help!! husband step parent of my oldest having problems
My husband has raised our oldest since she has been five. Since she has been about 16 she started getting in some trouble with alcohol and depression due to her boyfriend passing away. It put us through a terrible emotional time; I have been the one to take her to counselors and hospitals while he watched on the sidelines.
He is very strict and feels that what she has done he will never ever forgive her or get back in his good graces. She made mistakes and is remorseful for them but he has made it clear that is not good enough for him
For over 6 months now she has been on her own, working, going to college and really trying to make up for the hell she put us through. However, my husband can’t get over the problems she had and acts like he will never forgive her.
Just because he is a stepparent how can he turn his back on a child he has raised since 5? If our biological children have a hard time :fingers crossed things go smooth: but what if they have a problem, should I expect now he will just turn his back on them? Am I the one who is expecting too much from him to just be nice?
Can someone please let me know what they think because I am tired of crying over this.
Thanks
Well, a lot of that does
Well, a lot of that does sound familiar and I do make sure that she must ask her dad if she wants something. They recently had a "meeting" where just the two of them talked and they both felt pretty good about it. When she comes over to the house for a visit and to see her little brother and sister he will leave the room or make it obvious he is not happy she is around.
He was taking an active role in discipline but she ended up going the "your just my step dad" route. I've been told by three different counselors that it would be best if he did not take on the disciplinary role and should of never been in that role to begin with. He also has said he resents me for not taking more of an active role in discipline, I guess he just didn't want to do it at all.
I feel terrible that she is taking such an active role on her own to reach out to him and he shows no emotion and blows her off. I never thought our family would turn out like this.
So is this what I am to expect of him with out bio children? Or is this solely because he is a step parent and doesn't have a connection? I am so confused. My dad adopted and raised my two sisters (who are half sister) but we never considered to use the word "step" because they are always going to be my sister no matter how much a percentage blood we share. He always treated them the same as us, I guess I never knew about this whole "step" world because my dad was such a good dad.
Well I really appreciate
Well I really appreciate your insight on this situation. I really don't want to upset my DH but the absolute anger has has shown towards her has had me feel like I needed to protect her. Believe me he makes it very clear how angry he is with her, he's even tried to make me pick either him or her. She's no longer living at home (probably for the best) but I never wanted her to leave so young (18) Even though she's 18 she's very immature but I can only hope that we have raised her well enough she will be ok.
The arguments we have had regarding my daughter has had a huge impact on our relationship. How do you repair this? I didn't think I married someone that could hold that much resentment towards another person. To be honest there have been many times he has been completely out of line when dealing with her. But, now she is out of the house and trying to rebuild the relationship back with my DH. I guess I am being impatient that she has been gone for so long and he is barely even interested is seeing her.
I really want to try and have an open mind and I am very willing to accept when I am wrong. I guess I am looking for a little emotion from him to try and understand the position I am in. He married me knowing I had a daughter but now is angry at me for having her.
There is more going on here
than meets the eye. I believe what you're saying but I don't think your husband is being completely honest with himself over the reasons for this rejection. I have to ask if its possible he's been resentful over having to care for the child all these years? It really sounds like he's just using this "incident" as the excuse he needs to show his true feelings.
His turning from a caring parent to a un-caring one was just to quick. That business about "you're not my Dad" can hurt although a adult should be able to reject it as a teen being a teen. But that could be it.
Its true that he may have just decided to harden his heart against her and might do the same with his own kids (less likely). Who knows what he was taught about parenting when he was a kid. Ask him if he has any idea of what his attitude is doing to the other kids. He's teaching his kids that if they screw up then the appropriate thing to do is toss a kid out even if they see the error of their ways. Does he want them to act that way towards his grand-children? Because that's what's being taught.
Then I'd concentrate on keeping the kids head on straight. Pay for her counseling if the situation is that bad.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
OC, I just don't know how a
OC, I just don't know how a person can turn there back. He said that her irresponsibility has hurt his feelings because he would never do that to his mom or dad (he continues to remind us how perfect he was) I just don't know, I am trying to take things day by day. It does seem he is resentful of taking care of her.
Just yesterday my daughter came to my work and listed all her bills out trying to organize and not get behind. She had on her list a credit card that I have been asking her if she had for months now, now she tells me the truth while asking me for $$ to pay it off. I told her she needs to come to the house and talk with DH and I so we can be on the same page. She doesn't want to ask DH she wants me to give her the money behind his back and I won't, so she stormed off and won't talk to me.
I believe that both of them have issues and I'm trying to keep peace but it really tears me apart to see her manipulation and his anger. How do people get through this? We have two more lovely children and for them to see this going on has to effect them.