Well, my two cents believe both your husband (your adult children's stepfather) and your adult daughter's husband (your SIL) need to keep their noses out of your personal relationship with your daughter.

Your Dh didn't need to tell his SD she was neglecting her mother (you) on Mother's Day. I'm sure your daughter was well aware of her actions (or in this case, lack of action). Neither did the SIL need to inform your Dh (his step-father-in-law) that your DH was being an ass.

How about Mom and daughter worry about their own ins and outs of their relationship and the men stay out of it. Your daughter is 23yrs old. She doesn't need StepDad chewing her out guilt tripping her on lack of acknowledgement of you on Mother's Day. You raised this daughter. The relationship is between mother/daughter and if you didn't raise your daughter to have more respect towards her mother than the now adult woman has, your Dh's reprimanding her isn't going to change anything.

I'm never quite sure what to think when I read different blogs/forum posts on this site on how the parent and/or stepparent is suppose to make the adult children behave or act differently...time for teaching is not age 23. And no one, parent, stepparent nor any other adult can force another adult to do this or that.

Your daughter ignored you. Your DH stuck his nose in, her husband whacked your husband back into place. So what did any of it accomplish?

If you're disappointed , hurt and/or angry with your adult daughter you pick up the phone and tell her yourself. You work with your daughter o the relationship between mother and daughter or you let the relationship go. It's on your daughter and yourself to make or break. Not StepDad's. Not SIL's.

I'm sorry you and your daughter didn't connect on Mother's Day. However, the moves the men made didn't help, it actually made it worse.

Unless your DH had a previously good relationship with your kids, I don't think that him scolding them over mother's day was going to be very effective.

I'm not sure that he could have expected any better response from children that blew off mother's day.

It was not your husband's place to text your adult kids about how awful they are, which is basically what he did (firing them as your children?). I get that he was concerned that you were upset but he handled it wrong. And your daughter and SIL returned the favor.

In 20 years, I have never scolded my SD25 for not acknowledging my DH's birthday or Father's Day, not my place. DH is a big boy and can handle it how he sees fit.

I had no problem jumping down my SS's throat when he was being a total ass to my DH. It was a few years ago while he was visiting at our vacation condo (last time that happened). I calmly told him that no one was going to disrespect my husband in MY home. He shut up immediately.

I don't care what the DNA connection is or is not. No one is going to be an ass to a guest in my home. I realize that is not the same as OP's situation. But I don't think a SP has to always keep their mouth shut.

OP - I'm sorry - but your daughter and her DH sound like asses.

i think the OP husband had good intentions and should not be thrashed for what he attempted to do - tell his wifes children has disappointed her on her birthday.

i agree with clevergirlfriend: TO THE OP: you need to call your daughter out on her disrespectful comments to your husband. You need to stick up for your husband. I'm not sure what his tone was, but he was clearly upset for you, and unless he was really rude, I think your daughter was WAY out of line and shouldn't have made personal attacks.

your own children disrespected you and your husband felt bad for you.

It was your place to address the issue, not your husband's....and the son in law should have stayed completely out of it as well. It is between you and your daughter, why make the problem larger than it needs to be?

What is the relationship like between you and your DD? It sounds like you both need to sit down and hash things out without SIL or Husband. I'd take DD off the hook, "It appears you don't want to observe Mother's Day or both of our Birthdays anymore, right?"

Write them out of the will !!!

This is one big triangulation f*** fest. Where's my damn mother's day card!!!

My son didn't send me a message until 2am the following morning and I just laughed. He has a life. He is a bigger factor in my life than I am in his, obviously. Time to get over our feelings of entitlement. The world doesn't always function according to our little expectation templates.

This very thing happened to me. The straw that broke the camels back was the exact words that caused me to totally disengage from my SD58.

Long story short: I had a career and worked long hours (retired now from that great career). My DH has been disabled and home for years. DH was visiting his DD (my SD) daily, she doesn't work or have a career. His visits turned into gossip sessions about everyone and anyone, including me. DH betrayed our life, marriage, finances, all that he could think of to SD. This went on for almost 15 years and I didn't realize it, because I was busy working, supplying us health insurance and a nice income. I had all types of red flags from their behavior, that I was being thrown under the bus. This site doesn't have enough pages for me to give all the red flags to you. I thought I was being jealous and paranoid; but I was being attacked.

One day I open my email; there was a two page hate email, from SD58, blaming absolutely everything on me, and throwing DH under the bus in regards to the betrayal. I was to divorce her Dad, move out and give him our lovely new home, leave him to his family and disappear off the earth. I was in total shock; NOW I put it all together. I printed the email handed it to DH and told him to move out, with his princess. He refused, so I called Law Enforcement and had DH kicked to the curb for SD to pick up.

Rest of the story: DH caused it all with gossip and betrayal. SD put her two cents in and should not have repeated anything, thinking she could break us up. DH and I are working through it the past three years. I am totally disengaged from SD and she will go to jail if she comes near me again, in my lifetime. SD visits DH and I allow that only, because DH is disabled; she is to leave me totally alone and stay totally away from me personally. I will never forgive DH nor will I forget what SD said to me; my attorney has the email. Believe me, I'm not finished with this woman, if she messes with me.

I do not trust DH concerning SD. Our marriage will survive, but is totally a different marriage and life. Even though it was DH's doing, it was none of SD's business.

When someone outside a marriage decides they should speak up, believe me they should shut up.

They are adults who hurt his wife. If I were your DH I would have called them out on that crap too. Their response is far more indicative of the fact that they know they screwed up and is in all likelihood driven by their embarrassment.

I am not one to ignore toxic crap. In fact I am a firm believer that it is to be confronted immediately any time it arises.

Your DH addressed the problem with humor and far from being the "100% selfish asshole" that your DD and SIL accused him of being he is caring and concerned about his bride's feelings. It is your DD and her idiot husband who are the 100% selfish assholes in this picture.

IMHO of course.

I don't have bio kids, only step kids. I have to say that I respect the love and the protectiveness your husband felt. Let me tell you something, your kids and his relationship is no different than it was before he sent the text telling them (nicely) that they are inconsiderate a-holes. And they are. You're their Mom and I'm sure you didn't raise them to be and so it makes you feel bad that 1) they forgot you and 2) they are inconsiderate a-holes. It's not your fault, so let it go.

The kids are just using this as an excuse to make their actions seem less cruel and to punish stepfather and drive a wedge between the two of you. Don't go down the toxic rabbit hole! Tell them you didn't ask him to text, but he did out of concern and love for you and you appreciate his efforts. If they were misunderstood by your kids, that's unfortunate. And by the way, it was terribly hurtful to you that they forgot your day.

Then leave it alone, don't address it anymore. Everyone will stomp around in an emotional snit for a few weeks and then it will blow over. I would never refer to it again and, if anyone tried to bring it up, tell them that book it written and finished, no discussion. And give your hubby a kiss and thank him, he loves you and he was trying to be your knight in shining armor. If he miffed it, so what, at least he tried. That's more than the kids did!

So what if your DH stuck up for you? Good for him.
Disrespect sucks. Whoever it’s from – whoever it’s to.
Any reminders of that are not only needed but welcome.
Never mind ‘not his place’. HE’S SHOWING HE CARES!
I’ve been through step-hate-land and come out the other side – never to return.
At the age of 64 I will not tolerate disrespect – on the street – in the supermarket – on the roads.
I wish I had learned this lesson years ago.
I treat everyone with respect, politeness, and human kindness UNTIL it’s not returned.
Zero tolerance. No more ‘allowances’ ‘over-thinking’ ‘being the bigger person’ ‘being the adult’.
Disrespect is disrespect. If someone in the street was rude to you, you would expect DH to have your back.
Politics shouldn't come into it. Your DH was not in the wrong but you might want to wonder about your kids.