Not from a blended family growing up, but, my parents made it clear that as the eldest I had my time at the younger ages that my brothers were at and I could not detract from their turn at those ages. Conversely, they would have their turn at the age I was and mom and dad would do their best to maintain that balance in both directions on the ages of their children.

So, take that position with daddy. The progeny of his failed family have had their turn at the younger ages and his absence from the lives of your younger children is taking away their turn to have their father in their lives at that age.  Since his failed family progeny are adults, this is an even more agregious choice on his part than it was when they were minors.  He tolerated them ignoring you when they were minors.  Do not tolerate him prioritizing them over you and your kids now that those SKids are SKidults. Their breeding status is not relevant IMHO.  He will get very little of the time with his GKs. The breeding SKid's partner will have parents and family that will get time and have relationships with the GK.

My niece just had my parent's first GGKs.  Niece and her DH live near both her parents and my parents.  Her groom's parents live out of State. By geography the baby has a much closer relationship with my brother and my SIL than with my Niece's ILS. Who are a wonderful family as well. Basically, shit happens. In your case, your DH needs clarity that shit has happened and his priority must be his marriage and his young children rather than his kidults and their breeding products.

IMHO of course.

He is negatively impacting the childhoods of your children.  Give him that message.

He is right on one thing. Your kids will have the choice to engage with their elder half sibs and their nieces and nephews when they are adults.  Just make sure your kids are raised with the facts that those elder half sibs rejected them and you and that your kids should be wary that daddy's CODs are not particularly nice people.

Lather, rinse, repeat. In an age appropriate manner.

All IMHO of course.

Except I don't share any kids with DH. And thankfully his adult children live out of state. I totally understand.  It used to be years of constant phone calls and texts all day long from one dsughter. Who no surprise would never see her father including me and my kids but only 1-2 times a year.  Finally he got the message to keep the calls and texts on his own time.  It's hurtful because she clearly only wants a relationship with him. Daughter number two has a dsughter that DH has only seen once in several years. Neither child spends any holidays with us in over 17 years. 
I think you need to accept that your DH has other children who want nothing to do with you or your kids. So you share your DH with strangers.  Crazy I know. But I think your DH needs to have boundaries with this. He can of course see his kids.  You need to plan something fun for you and your kids.  If his children ignore you don't go or just carry on.  

I'm sorry, your spouse is a pathetic apology for a husband. He allowed his children to freeze you out. Pretending there was nothing he could do was/is the coward's way out. He should be ashamed that he allowed the woman he loved to be treated so shabbily. Please make it clear that you will not tolerate this with the next generation. 

All i've got is sympathy. My SO's daughter is pregnant with his first grandchild and i have no idea how it's gonna be. It's a bad situation and they aren't close, but they have a history of a love/hate relationship. For now, I'm just trying to keep quiet and wait and see. I'm not telling him (or anyone at all except you guys) about the things i'm quietly dreading may happen. No sense stressing until something does change. And really, neither you nor I know until it happens. If something does happen to fk up my life (will SD and the baby need a place to live? Will SO and BM bond over "yay grandparents!!") i'll deal with it then. 

My SKs didn't freeze me out but they were less than enthusiastic about me.   Ok, I get it.  When they became adults, with their  own families, they could go their  own way.  When the gkids arrived, I was prepared to take the grandma role but had little opportunity.  BM was enshrined as THE grandma.

.My DH had always been a kid person and I expected he"d be a doting grandpa.  I was surprised when he wasnt.  I think he was just burnt out after our 5.   He is ok and and his usual funny self if he's around them but thats it.  He doesnt seek them out or call.  I made more effort with them than he did.

I'm going thru all this to say the grandkids might be less a,factor than you fear.

While DHs kids did not shun me to your degree, it was 12 years of dealing with disrespect, toxic behaviors, being the third wheel, etc. Final blow came when, at DHs retirement party that I arranged, DHs son announced the first grandchild, never looking at me or mentioning me. While expected, I never thought he'd do something so public and so humiliating to me and my very own kids who attended. I was done. It was me who denied them access for over 6 years. I had a 3 year healing period where I had to forgive DH for NOT doing his part in this mess and to heal myself. 

During that time, DH saw his kids away from our home and I never met any of his grandkids. Last year saw interaction with a few of his kids, one being to son at the party. Awkward, to say the least; almost like a stranger's kid you'd see in the store. I have no connection; actually don't even know most of DHs grands names....that is how disengaged I became after the party incident.

I understand how you feel, when your DH is with "them." I felt that way for a long time. Today, I accept reality. We are NOT a normal family. I did my part in trying to blend this group, even attending a few counseling sessions with crazy BM and the oldest SD. DH was no help with his zero conflict resolution skills. So, I accept the fact DH has two lives; one with me and one with his kids. They are not in confilct with each other. He doesn't let them speak ill of me and I don't speak ill of them.

I can tell you how I live now. DH travels to see his kids and I enjoy my free week. DH buys all the gifts for his grandkids, which is Christmas only, and I get to spend my money on me. The times DHs kids/grands are in my space, I make sure to have a full calendar of events. I'm civil and friendly but not deep. I do not attend lunch/dinners with them and my conversations are kept short as I excuse myself quickly. I do not contact DHs kids nor do I do anything for them, including babysitting. I am simply DHs wife. 

It's a hard journey but you will get through it. Don't let them ruin your marriage. 

complicated because you and your DH have minor children together. Many of us don't and I think it's got to be more difficult when Dad spends time away from your kids than if it's just you who's being left behind.

But minor children come first. His adult kids already had that time with their father and they shouldn't be taking that away from your kids. It would have infuriated me if I was in your shoes, especially when your DH caused the problem by his refusal to deal with his kids' treatment of you.

I had to laugh when you described your DH flitting between his separate family groups because it's what mine would do back when I was trying to do joint holiday meals. His kids would sit on their butts while my kids and I cooked and cleaned up and he would wander between rooms looking like an idiot. I finally said I wasn't doing them any more. I would be happy (not really) to have his kids over on a day close to the actual holiday (we were always the secondary event to his kids but were expected to work around their schedule with their mother) but he would have to set it up. He never did and so my problem ended. 

You must except that. And actually nothing you can do.  BUT. you can control the time and money SO spends with his older kids.  He doesn't get a chance to disrespect you.  By spending time with his kids.  They chose there path.  What meabs limited time with there father.  He has younger kids who need him 

'BUT....BUT.. DH should of had your back.  If yiurvfamiky included you were not welcomed m he should stay away from them. He's ok with his new kids not welcome by his older kids.  Not nice people 

Has your husband ever confronted his kids about not accepting you and/or ignoring you? He is (or was) the one to set boundaries/expectations. If he hasn't, I understand you feeling that he is not on your "team."

Do they live near you? How often does he see them? 

BM despises me and demanded that "hate loyalty" from her kids. While I had a lot of complaints about how my husband dealt with this early on, he did set some boundaries, which helped. He did confront the skids, so the skids shifted their overtly bad behavior to more covert, sly, and underhanded behavior toward me (it was maddening). SD pretends to DH to be ok with me, but her behavior through the years says the exact opposite. SS has gone hot and cold with me through the years. I liken the skid-BM situation to a cult. 

Skids here are adults and SD now has kids, so there are the grands. This is what has worked for us:

Skids live far from us. Forever, DH goes to see them alone, not on our territory. These are not frequent visits, so I enjoy them. I get together with friends, do the spa thing or just vegetate on the couch with the remote, take-out, and wine. 

Skids are no longer welcome in our home because of their behavior. Period. 

Events are minimal. I avoided graduations, but I did go to a wedding. Treated like crap, so we left the reception early. 

When SD started popping out babies/potential hostages, I told DH I was not going to set myself up for heartache; I would not meet the grands (I did meet one once...it was a one-off situation). I knew/know that I do not have a chance with them, that the false narrative about me will be passed on to them and that BM will demand full loyalty (which means hating me, who apparently broke up the family, although I met DH 5 years after the divorce). I am not doing a re-do. I told DH that the grands will be held out as carrots for manipulation. I know that. I had to learn to not care. And I don't. These people are all complete strangers to me. 

With all of this being said, I'm good with where things are now. 
 

I need to add that I have known a few families with half-siblings that had little to no connection, and everyone came out fine as long as there was no toxicity/drama. 
 

I am sitting on the couch with remote and mocha, and SD and hubby ready to arrive this afternoon along with DH. I have baked NOTHING.  I did buy steaks in fridge but not volunteering anything. DH is getting back from golf tennis trip he took with them the past two days. Fancy dinners every night I'm sure.  And I'm sure DH is expecting to have the usual lovely home cooked dinners that I would make for guests. The old me would have gotten fresh flowers, baked my butt off, and made SD all her favs. Now no more.  It got me nothing. No texts calls no happy birthday. No merry Christmas.  And this went on for many years. I finally saw the light. 

I also have no relationship with my skids. Gave up on the blended family notion when it became clear that my wallet was useful, but otherwise I was invisible while they all tripped down memory lane.

So DH maintained his own relationship with them and as long as it didn't affect me, I didn't care. But sometimes their expectations of him did affect me and that was a no-go.

Now that DH is up there in years and can no longer travel by himself he never sees them. Barely talks to them. My life is peaceful.

I think you and your DH need to be clear on expectations for your own kids. He doesn't dump you and the kids when the First Family summons him. He's a full-time, involved parent with you.

I guess there are happily blended families, but I think it's pretty rare. 

Are your kids college fund at an amount that they can attend college is something happen to DH?  Is your home payed off. ?  DH is judging money now that everything is find. But giving adult SK money when your minor kids are not fully funded is not right  just one heart attack , car accident, things can change 

Do the younger kids have any interest in the older ones?  Have you thought about all of this going on when the youth ones are older and have questions?  It sounds like your DH takes the easy way out and would rather piss you off instead of anyone else.   Why is that?   

I can relate somewhat, and I'm so very sorry. I also have adult SKs plus 2 SGDs and a SGS on the way. My DH and I have been married 25 years, and SSs were 3 and 5 when we got together. DH and I also have two bios together. Although to a much lesser extent than you, I, too, have suffered from my DH's failure to address SSs' behavior out of fear of straining their relationship. In my instance, that has arisen due to DH and me taking SSs, their SOs and SGKs on all-expense paid vacations and hosting them at our home for visits, where DH and I do all the work, making food, cleaning up, paying for everything , while SKs sit with their feet up, relaxing. To add insult to injury, they post ad nauseum on social media about any little bit of time with BM, praising her on Mother's Day and celebrating her birthday, yet post nothing about DH, ever, and of course, never anything about me or their half-siblings, my bios. (However, they DO post about their half-sibling that BM had with her DH #2.) I had one instance where I worked hours making a cake for SGD's birthday, spent huge sums on a "Pinterest-worthy" party, and SS posted a pic of me in front of the treats table with SGD (wearing her beautiful costume I got her to match her party) but WITH MY HEAD CUT OUT OF THE PICTURE so you couid not tell who it was!! I wish I could say that was the final straw, but sadly, it was not. (And even now, I have a blog up asking if I should host a shower for YSS and his gf.)

You can read my blog over the past years to see it has been a process since then to accept that I am NOT their grandmother and only have a place in their lives for what I can give them/do for them. Although some on here have suggested I let DH see SKs without me, I have never wanted that because, like you, I don't want to spend holidays away from DH, nor do I want my bios with DH to have to be separated from one of us as though DH and I are divorced. I have addressed the problem by disengaging and forcing myself to do less and less for them, to avoid resentment. Anything I do is for my DH's benefit, not their's. Fortunately, SSs and family are all civil, in fact, friendly, to me in person, which makes it easier, and I understand is a huge difference from your situation.

While of course, it would be better for your DH to take on the situation directly and let the chips fall where they may (as it would mine) one positive I see from your situation is that you're spared from putting yourself out there as I did all those years, trying to play "happy blended family" and being shunned as though you don't exist. Although time will tell, it may be that once SD once has her baby, she may mellow out and be willing to be civil for the sake of the family and you can tolerate being around her. I say MAY because there have been horror stories on here where the arrival of a SGK ramps up the ugliness. Also, it always seems it is the SM who is to bend if the situation is to work, and we each have to find our own boundaries and tolerance. I wish I could offer words of wisdom, but I'm still working to find mine after 25 years. However, I wanted to encourage you and say I do understand. Posting here has been a big part of the process.

SD63 had 3 kids and so did YSS.  YSS was always out of town so we saw him and his kids only once or twice a year.

SD63 lived locally.  When her kids were born, we made the effort to see them and participate but we were always in second place with BM as Official Grandma.  That was ok cuz we both worked full time and had neither the time nor energy to go overboard.  We went where we were invited, birthdays, etc.  BM didn't like to go to school events or sports so we were the substitutes.  DH86 didn't initiate events but I did annual cooky baking sessions and planned a summer outing each year.

I think DH must have made it clear that we didn't babysit, or maybe BM always wanted to do it.  In any case, we didn't ever babysit. 

We bought gifts for the appropriate occasions with SD63's firm guidance. I'd ask her what to get and I'd just get it.  She didn't like variation from her list, she'd return things she didn't want them to have.  I sometimes bought books which were never on her lists.  To prevent the returns, I'd write "Merry Christmas from Grandpa and Grandma' in ink inside.  Lol.  I think we were tolerated for the gifts and because we would show up for school events 

When BM died, I was subtly elevated to any function where a grandma was required.  My new family role.  I just go with the flow.  SD63's kids are now in their thirties and forties and have kids.  They seem to want me to dote on their kids and they are cute but I'm just not feeling it.  I have a full plate with DH86 and my 101yo mom.   This summer, I did an outing with each set of kids but I'm not sure if I'll continue.  Both granddaughters hinted for me to do the cooky baking but I didn't.  SD 63 is the grandma, let her organize it and do the clean up. 

My relations with my bio kids and gkids feel more natural. I guess that's just the way it goes.

There isn't a snowball's chance in Hell that I would put my mate in a back seat position to my failed family spawn or that I would tolerate taking a back seat to my mate's failed family spawn.

I would be at my mate's side, I would support her radiance, confidence, and standing in any and every situation and I would not tolerate anything less for myself as her mate.

Heaven protect any Skidult of either side who tried to discount the partners in our marriage.  We would be side by side and arm in arm as spouses, parents, and GPs.If a Kidult attempted to minimize that It would be a very painful game on for any X or kid who tried to interject themselves in that or prevent our presence together.  Whether a SKidult wanted to consider the SParent as a GP or not.  

Not that I ever had to, but I also would not tolerate disrespect towards my parents as SS's full meal deal GPs. They are in reality the only high quality, involved, deserving GPs SS has had in his life and he absolutely loves my parents. As they do him. They have from day one of the DW, me, and the Skid adventure.

My ILs are less than involved in SS's life. Not their fault since DW moved out of state when SS was 1yo and never went back to live in SpermLand. 

SpermGrandPa never gave a shit about my Skid and even when he was young SS knew that SpermGrandPa did not care for him.  SpermGrandPa did the same with the SpermIdiot. I think that SpermGrandPa was far more comfortable being a girl dad than a boy dad.  He crowned the Spermidiot's younger sister as Princess and did the same with SS's younger half sister (Spermidiot spawn #2) as Princess GK. SS and Spermidiot spawn #3 and #4 as boys and as the SpermIdiot's boys at that put them in the shit box with serially adulterous SpermGrandPa who for some reason detested the repetition of his example in the Spermidiot. 

The SpermGrandHag was hip deep in controlling all of her SpermIdiot spawned GKs. We never heard much about the SpermIdiot's sister's kids.  I don't think that SS's aunt's DH tolerates his DW to expose their kids to his idiot ILs often.