Getting my DH to let his kids grow up
Hi there, very new here and seeking some advice.
Firstly let me say that I have 3 amazing step kids, they were teens and young adults when their dad and I married and have essentially lived with us fulltime. Whilst there have been adjustments on both sides I can honestly say I love my skids very much and refer to them as "mine" anyway.
My problem is the oldest who is very sweet but she and her dad have a volatile relationship. He says black and she says white type of thing. Anyway, now at 26 she is very keen to "grow up" and her dad (and I) support this but the approach my DH has only gets her back up and I end up playing referee (to which DH does not like as I am not "supporting him"). I agree with his intention but not his approach. How do I help? An example is the other day a traffic infringement arrived for her in the mail, DH wrote on the envelope "do you need help". Her response? "Stop going through my mail and mind your own business". Personally I agree with her, by DH was trying to make sure she knows how to appeal the fine or pay it. DH wants to help, that is all he has ever wanted, but doing so may not be helping DSD to take responsibility (this gorgeous kid has more than enough inferiority issues handed down by her mother, no confidence at all and I'm pretty sure she has depression).
What do I do?
For all that it is "my home"
For all that it is "my home" I'm not in a position to tell her to move out. We have an open door policy for the kids (honestly they don't take advantage) and I'm not changing that. She wants to move out but having never taken responsibility and very little confidence in her abilities how do I get my husband to take a step back? At the moment he is her excuse for not achieving anything. If I can get him to not (lovingly) intercede I think she might actually pull her socks up and do it herself.
Agree with what you said at the end but he see's it the other way - "she isn't a child but she is still MY child".
By the way when I say volatile, it isn't that bad. She is immature and very childish, bottles things up and gets emotional and defensive. But DH is incredibly logical, which, when your an emotional wreck does not make it easy to have a calm, rational and adult conversation.
She needs to move out.
She needs to move out. Period. Of course she is still acting as a child, because she is still acting as a child by having her dad support her. I could understand an adult child moving back home if they've undergone a difficult divorce for a short length of time "to get back on their feet"-but someone still living there just because their immature? She's never had to be mature. She will grow up very quickly when she is out on her own as we all had to do at some point.
I think by NOT pushing her out the door-you guys are doing her a disservice. It keeps her dependent and unsure of herself.
Whizymomzy - definently can
Whizymomzy - definently can feel your pain, although I think both DH and I would have dealt more harshly with that sort of situation. The skids are all working (youngest 2 still in uni and working part time) and have reasonably good work ethics. None of them laze around the house endlessly (well maybe the odd day :))and generally do help out with washing and dishes. The oldest is the only one working full time and she pays board. We paid (or are paying) for undergraduate degrees in uni (for those that wanted it) and often take them out to dinner.
Honestly I don't think my issue is with my oldest skid. My issue is with my DH . . . where is the forum on that one???? I don't want to start WW3 over this but how do I (with no kids of my own) give him parenting advice? He is reasonable and will listen but these are his kids and he is incredibly protective of them (probably more so of the oldest one as she was from his first marriage which ended in a nasty divorce and she grew up in step families never feeling like she fitted in or belonged anywhere).
You are doing so well. I read
You are doing so well. I read your post and admire your attitude to your step children. I also envy you that they have jobs and so on. I know what you mean about giving advice to DH. Always seems to backfire for me.
Ah ha re the defensiveness and daddy being protective in step families. My DH is the same. Credit to your SD for being independent.
26 is pretty old to be still at home but I know it happens a lot now. Its a 2 way street. Based on the situation you describe, this 26 year old would do really well from moving out because she is craving her independence. She has safety, love and acceptance of your home at any time as a fall back.
What can you do? Do not say too much. Chose your words carefully and target them to the way his mind works. Protective compensating dads are a special breed.
Thanks Freshstart. I think
Thanks Freshstart. I think your right, I need to step back a bit and not assume that this is my problem to solve (I tend to step between them to try to resolve the issues - SD says while I say the same thing as her dad, I somehow make it a bit nicer; so I know it isn't the message that is the issue but more often the delivery!).
I love these kids and want them to succeed. I just think that sometimes you need to let them succeed (or fail) on their own. You can't save them everytime and if you try, what happens when your not around? They don't know how to save themselves!
I know a lot of the SM here have a lot more to deal with and I do feel very lucky that my adult skids are loving, thoughtful, mostly independent and accept me fully (i think), treating me as both a parent and a friend.