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Friction is coming from my adult SISTER and not from our adult stepchildren... advice?

Gen's picture

Submitted by Gen on Mon, 03/25/2013 - 1:14pm

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

Hi, I'm Gen, a 51 year old female type person, remarried and dealing with issues of ADULTS -- not minor children, step children, etc.
And surprisingly enough, my problems don't involve the children or step children at all. The negativity is coming from my adult
SISTER. But rather than hash it all out here again on this post. I posted a blog about it that explains it all at this link:

http://www.steptalk.org/node/127788

I hope that link works. I'm brand new at this and didn't know whether to start with a blog or a forum post. If the link does not take you to my blog, perhaps you can cut and paste it into your browser directly and go there. If it still doesn't work, someone tell me here in the comments and I'll post the question and circumstances here in a forum post as well.

I'm glad I found this forum and hope that others going through similar issues can offer some pertinent advice. Thanks much and nice to meet all of you. -Gen.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Tue, 03/26/2013 - 10:36am

I read your blog. The only thing I can say is that toxic people exist - and they can be in your own family.

I've got a problem sister myself - we've never been close. Quite honestly, if I met my sister as a "stranger" she would not be a person I would want anything to do with. It's amazing that two people can have such different personalities, characters and qualities, considering we grew up in the same home.

At this stage in our lives, I have accepted the fact that she is who she is - her personality and her antics are distasteful yet are not about to change. She is a master manipulator. So rather than dwell over nasty stuff she pulls I distance myself, keep the information I provide her at a minimum (otherwise she uses that as fodder for her antics.) I try to remain as neutral as possible. This is the only way the two of us will be able to have any relationship at all.

Suggest you try the same thing - stop placating your sister and keep her on the fringes of information related to you and your family. Still include her in activities, etc. but make your decisions without including her in the plans. That only gives her an opening to create drama or to try and change things on you. Keep it simple: "We're having Easter dinner at 2 p.m. You and your family are invited. Can you make it?"

One area I have really put my foot down is if my sister starts talking to me in a nasty condescending tone (as though I am still the "kid" sister she can bully around). I remind her that I am a middle-aged adult now and she needs to watch her tone. I'm not putting up with that crap anymore at my age - certainly not in front of others.

You can do something similar when she tries to chastise you in e-mails - remind her that you are a middle-aged adult and you don't need her advise NOR criticism on how to refer to, or make plans with, YOUR family.