Freeloading adult Stepkids
So I am looking for advice, not so much as to what to do but how to deal with a situation mentally when I can’t really do much unless I leave my husband.
My husband is 55 (older than me) and was married before and has three adult kids. Two of them are twins (26 yrs old and Male). We married 8 years ago and I moved thousands of miles from overseas to be with him here in the USA leaving behind my life and family for him. I was not married before and had no kids. We now have a 5 year old daughter together. I didn’t realize when we married that he planned on having his adult sons live with us. They had lived with their dad in their grandpa’s house in a different state and now they have both lived with us at different times but my husband has pushed for both of them to live with us against my wishes and now they are here with us all the time. One of them moved in for the second time over 2 years ago. He hasn’t worked for the last 10 months and spends his entire day in a robe in his bedroom playing Xbox. The other one who moved in last summer and sleeps on our couch in our living space, does work. However neither one of them contribute to our household in any way. The one who is working is my husband’s favorite and he often asks for money which my husband always gives him and I’m talking hundreds of dollars at a time. We are in a lot of credit card debt so it’s not like we can easily afford this. The one who isn’t working is supposed to be starting an apprenticeship which my husband went to a lot of effort to arrange for him. This son got a very low interview score and was initially refused entry but my husband pulled some strings and got him a place which he isn’t grateful for. He is more hostile than the other one. He has made it clear in numerous nasty text messages to my husband that he doesn’t want to live here and can’t wait to leave yet he doesn’t do anything to actually leave. He told my husband not to touch his stuff, he curses a lot and he even said his childhood was ruined by his dad leaving when he was a kid (actually he was 18) to marry me and start a new family ‘F*ck them’ is what he said. My husband had left the state they all lived in to set up a home with me when they were 18 and he told both his sons to come along with him but they initially refused and stayed with their grandpa. When they saw we were doing ok and our apartment was decent they have both decided to try and get what they can out of us but they have no respect for their father and he doesn’t have the balls to stand up to them, to make them take responsibility and grow up.
I could go on and on about how awful they are, lazy, entitled, very untidy and ungrateful and how they just take, take, take and manipulate their father. Their birth mother lives in a different state, is by all accounts a horrible trashy person and she does nothing for her kids now.
I get frustrated at the freeloading that is going on and I have voiced my feelings to my husband many times and he is well aware of how I feel and how unhappy it makes me. I feel uncomfortable in my own home and now try to stay in my bedroom a lot to avoid any interaction with the sons. Husband always tries to buy time saying that they have to move out when they do x or y but of course it either never happens or he never really tells them to go. He says he wants them to be independent but his actions tell a different story to his words.
I know in many ways the problem I have is a husband problem. I could leave and completely uproot my life here and separate my daughter from her father who she would probably not see again. But part of me feels like why should I do that all because of these two leeches. I can’t force them to move out and I can’t change the way my husband handles this. The only thing I can do is put up or shut up. So if I do stay, how do people deal with this situation mentally because it’s taking up a lot of my thoughts and making me very unhappy and anxious. Lately I’ve thought about working harder to get a better paid job but i feel like I would just be increasing my workload to give my husband more money to waste on these two adult men. So it’s like I cannot build with him or improve our lives because he will do things which will mess it up and mean my efforts are wasted. Are there any ways others have handled this mentally?
Ugh!
This is indeed a difficult situation and I feel for you. I am wondering if you have tried counseling with your husband, or if he will not go, for just you? A professional is able to see the situation in an unbiased way, present you with options, and explore the implications of proceeding with said options. It is up to YOU to choose how to proceed, but they can provide valuable insight and support along the way.
All the best to you, and your daughter, as you navigate this difficult situation.
Hmmmmm? Try this. If it is an option in your State.
The custodial parent doesn't have to file for divorce before beginning a child support case. If you and your spouse aren't ready to initiate divorce the custodial parent may file a complaint or petition with the court to establish a temporary child support order.
See if nailing him with a CS order will help extricate your DH's head from his own ass and cut off his adult spawn, and get them out of the home he needs to make with his bride and your young child together. If direct payroll withholding of CS goes straight to you and you use none of it for the support of the home and his failed family progeny he may not have the resources to keep a roof, food, pay the credit card bills, and continue to bribe his kidult spawn with the guilty daddy payments.
You may need to take a short term apartment if you go for CS. See if you can find a support group and someone who will give you a lease for a room at their home so you can motivate the CS order.
Apparently it is possible to get CS and not divorce. Get the money, demand that his 26yo twins are out NOW, and keep it front and center that his duty is to his current marriage and young child and not his failed adult issue of a failed family.
Good luck getting DH's head out of his own ass.
Finances
Finances sound like the main issue, but the bigger picture is your husband is sacrificing you and your kiddo (HIS kiddo) to benefit his failure to launch manchildren.
Separate finances completely. Anytime he feels the need to hand out cash, let him know that YOU will also have your hand out for equal monies. That or just let him know that you want to rent out the room because you need to pay off the debt.
ARG. IM mad for you.
Not gonna tell you to leave
Not gonna tell you to leave your husband however you need to have a serious conversation with him. Multiple conversations so he is clear on your perspective.
I get wanting to help your kids have a good life (and maybe even sacrificing a little bit to do so - as you e sacrificed dealing with your leeching overgrown stepsons to have your daughter in a two parent household)
I will not tell you to leave your husband but these men who act like Disneyland Dads will NOT take your concerns seriously unless you take drastic measures. They do not respect you if they they you can't/wont leave.
You don't have to divorce him to leave him.
You do have to let him know your are serious as a heart attack and he will absolutely have to start holding his sons accountable and they will have a deadline of when their freeloading will come to an end.
It's not right for grown a$$ men to be leeching off a family with a toddler and taking up resources that should be reserved for the little kid. These overgrown "men" contributing nothing to your household are part of the problem your husband can't get his family out of debt.
Your husband can help them and love his adult sons ... from a distance. It wasn't necessary to move them in and definitely not without a deadline to leave and procure their own housing.
They are grown men and your husband is emasculating them plus disrespecting you/y'all's daughter in the process (so if he continues despite you expressing your disappointment, displeasure, etc then you have to move forward accordingly). Keeping things like it is is signaling to your head in the sand husband that you're okay with his actions.
Time to drag him over the
Time to drag him over the coals. When you married him, you did NOTmarry his feckless sons. Does he think money grows on trees? If not then WTF is he handing money he doesn't have to two adults who should be self-sufficient? Why should your daughter go without because her father is throwing his money at two able- bodied "men"? And does he really expect his wife to be a maid for his son's because they never lift an effin' finger in the house? Why should they be there if they cost money, do bugger all for the home, and help rack up your debt?
That's when you tell him that they have until the end of the month to find another place to live and there will be NO helping them out. They need to learn how to take care of themselves like real grown ups. It's called tough love.
Thank you all
Thanks for all the input and responses. It is validating to know that I am not the only one who thinks the situation isn't fair or right.
Just to respond to some of the points, I am definitely interested in counseling but I doubt my husband would go as I have mentioned it before and he completely dismissed its value and said it is a waste of money. So it would be just me on my own. Any recommendations for free or low cost options?
The idea about the CS and custody order is interesting and I didn't think of that as an option but it's a bit drastic for me and I feel things could escalate badly in a direction that I couldn't handle.
I have had many conversations with my husband about the issue. He knows exactly how I feel and I have made little attempt to hide it from him. I have at one stage basically said it's them or us and he said he won't be threatened and he isn't going to be blackmailed into not helping his own kids. He still refers to them as 'boys'. Therefore if I threaten him about this I have to be prepared to follow it through and leave him which means moving back to my home country and moving in with my elderly parents with my daughter until I can get on my own feet there.
Take back your power
Take away the zexy time.
Get your financial ducks in a row.
Be the Queen Bee in your home.
Why would you have to leave
Why would you have to leave the USA? How long have you been married? I understood that you had a job.
I just don't make enough to
I just don't make enough to support myself and my daughter here alone. The cost of living is so high there's no way I could financially survive here alone.
Might I suggest that you
Might I suggest that you check the child support calculator for the state you live in? Maybe also check whether you'd be awarded alimony. Finally, you might not be legacy able to take your daughter back to your homeland. Now might be a good time to consult a lawyer.
Staying here and separating
Staying here and separating and/or divorcing isn't an option for me. If we split then I am moving back to my homeland. My daughter has dual citizenship and my husband would not fight for custody of her, we already spoke about that once before. However I would not be able to get child support or alimony from overseas and so I would be making a clean break along with my daughter but without my husband I would need help from my parents to get established and on my feet over there. It's a situation I want to avoid because I don't want to become the one who is now a burden on my parents. I also want my daughter to grow up with a father.
This is why in my original post I was asking for advice on coping with the situation here mentally going forwards, rather than asking for advice about how to go about leaving my husband in a practical sense.
If he is a US daddy, you can
If he is a US daddy, you can get a CS order as part of your US divorce that the US courts will enforce while you are back in your home country with your dual citizen DD.
All done via direct wage garnishment and electronic banking.
Hopefully this is all just in case and you can get him to use his head instead of his guilty disney daddy to failed man-children fee fees.
If you go, nail his ass for a boatload of child support.
If that is what it takes to get your little ones support from her father protected from his wallet wevil failed kidult manchildren then make that happen.
I agree that it may not be time to play the end it card. But inform him that he has no moral or legal duty to support adult men when he has a young daughter whose turn it is for his focus and support. Also mention that he has a wife who left her country and family to make a life with him. You did not leave all of that for his failed adult man-babies.
You are not asking or demanding that he abandon his adult sons. He needs that message clear as well. Though they have had their turn at being 5 and it is now your DD's turn to have her father's focus and support.