Hello everyone! Wow I wish I had known about this website years ago. I don't feel so alone now. My dh and me married when the SD were 5 and 6. My DH had custody of his bio and his SD (xwife oldest child). She had typical unsupervised visitation. (One of the SD was beat by her bf at the time other 2 kids were sick, all have different bio dads). The first.8 years of our marriage was rough. We were called into CPS so many times. It got to the point CPS was tired of it. And told them don't call us again. We have investigated enough times nothing is wrong with them or how they are raising the kids. (The BF or sperm donor of the oldest SD probably could have had visitation but did not show up to court. (This was before I met DH). Her BM And BGM made sure to do everything they could to cause trouble and made sure BF was around as much as possible even though he had no rights from the court. We received zero child support from anyone. We were, most of the early years, scrapping by finacially. During those years, BM rarely took care of the kids when they were sick, she would not take them for visitation many times she would bring then home sick or covered in head lice. Bm had endless violent boyfriends the kids were terrified off and pot smoking parties when she offered her kids joints to smoke at age 11. The oldest SD was in constant trouble; stealing money, stealing checks out of my check book, and sneaking out. At 15 her BM managed to save enough money to get a lawyer to have the court order changed. (SD lived with us from 6-15) after she left, SD moved in with her mother she would walk through our driveway and keep walking. Not a hello or anything. I disengaged. SD established a relationship with her BF or sperm donor. DH and I saw him once and she was giving him problems. He stated he should have been there for her. My DH reminded him she had a dad that spent alot of time with her and raised her and SD/DH raises her to be respectful it was her BM and  BGM that created all the chaos. Now SD has a child of her own. SD is constantly posting picture of BF on FB about how much she misses him and wishes he was here to meet his grand daughter (he passed away a few years ago, I think is was an accidental overdose) here DH and I are, the ones that raised her, the ones that were happy for her to finally be able to conceive, and we haven't even been invited to see her. It's one of the many painful things about being a SP. I contacted her on Instagram she said hey yes I would like for you and DH to come and meet her. We don't even know what to call my husband. SD always called him DAD when she lived with us but in light of her posts she doesn't view us as anything. What do we do wait for her to contact us or try to disengaged again? 

The other SD: she moved out on her own at 18 was gone for 9 months. Moved back in for 4 months, at which point she moved into our garage apartment for 4 months. Moved out again for a year then moved back in. Everytime she moved back in tried really hard not to have to go to work. We moved so she moved in with MIL (who happens to feel sorry for her to this day) She moved into her own place my MIL paid for her car insurance and phone. BM paid her gas bill and DH and me paid her deposit. When SD married, I wasn't invited to go wedding dress shopping and the shower was scheduled at a time when she knew i wouldn't be able to attend. She got married, got pregnant, and her husband got a job near us.  Yes you guessed it moved back in with us again. SD told her husband once if they offer you something take it. SD has borrowed money several times this year to buy medication meanwhile goes to Starbucks and out to eat frequently. If I am with her and BM calls she answers the phone immediately rarely answers the phone for me. Her BM couldn't stand she moved close to us, so BM and husband moved with in 10 minutes of us. When SD had her second child I wasn't invited to come up and see the baby but her mother and mother in law were both there. (No good deed goes unpunished, I spent countless hours doing homework, painting each little chicken pock with hemorrhoid ointment to stop the itching and countless hours of worry because I had to send her to her mother's for the weekend even though I knew it wasn't safe. CPS wouldn't do anything unless the kids were actually injured.). SD has health problems and I have tried to be supportive. PTSD and physical problems.  SIL has asked me to come and help her. I have been called in the middle off the day because she wouldn't answer her phone. I have told her don't go take a nap with your 3 and 5 year awake. (This happened to her and her sister they got out and walked down the road at 2, 3 years old the court almost took them out of the home, when DH and BM still were married.)  I am spent. I don't want her ever moving back in. I told DH that I am done. She has a MIL, a BM, a sister, and a BIL.and SIL. I feel the only reason she contacts me is we are the only ones in the family that have a bit more money at the end of the day. I can't measure up to her mother that was a dead beat drug addicted person that allowed her significant other to beat her child more than once then went back to him when he got out on bail.

I love them both but I am done. I care about the grandkids. I just don't have anything left. 

Should I feel guilty about disengaging?