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"Family" Financial Decisions

pinkb's picture

Submitted by pinkb on Sat, 03/10/2018 - 2:20pm

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Adult Stepchildren

*** Admitted Rant *** Just need a way to talk about this without strangling my husband...

Hi all,

Some of you know me here... points of interest as a refresher

* I have a (now) 22yo SS who just graduated from a so/so college with a psych degree and a minor in Math

* DH committed that the kid would be on his own to pay for college...  until college started and we paid for college, I emphasize the "we" because for several months (more than one event), DH was unemployed so 'you do the math on who was really paying' (Hint: ME)

* Got SS(then)21 a peachy summer internship with my firm at $25/h; All of his fellow interns kept their jobs working remotely when school started up again but SS21 "accidentally" called me a c*nt on facebook which was in violation of the company's ethics polfy (his Boss is my FB friend) so he wasn't asked back

... So, the latest.  The little j@cka$$ was accepted into a mediocre graduate school.  I am certain that this is merely a ploy to not have to get a job... he graduated in December and has barely started looking. I thought, "okay, whatever, good for him... at least it's not on our dime... I've already helped pay for four years that I was told we wouldn't finance..."

Opoening the mail today, my husband received a letter from our bank.  Whoever gets the mail on any given day opens it, sorts it, throws out junk mail, etc.  And, I open a letter that is a credit decline for a new school loan. WTF!?!?!?

I call my husband out on it and he says "oh, well, when I was applying for a consolidation loan for my (not OURS, HIS) credit card bills I tried to consolidate the school loans as well (husband was "a co-signer to get the kid a better interest rate"). Ummm...WHAT!?!?

The good news is that the line of credit was denied. The bad news is that he went out and applied for yet another loan without talking to me about it. And, after promising that we are DONE continuing to finance this Man Child.

If he was rolling in money? Fine. Have a party... but I'm paying 2/3 of the household bills and as we supliment our income with rental properties... I can never have him on the loans because he has so much of the kid's debt all over the place. 

I'm freaking FURIOUS.

Help.

 

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Sat, 03/10/2018 - 2:42pm

Pink, IMO you need some tough love. 

You need to face the facts that your husband will do whatever he wants when it comes to supporting his son.  And this WILL go on for the rest of his life.  This is the pattern and it won't change.  That means you will have financial liability for his decisions, since you are married.  DH has shown you he is willing to go out and accumulate more debt without discussing it with you but you still share some of the liability, as his wife.  

It sounds like you are the only one being responsible and accountable for the finances.  Despite your property and other assets you may have in your name, you are still at risk of losing it all should your DH continue to make these foolish decisions.  

I understand that ranting is needed by us all from time to time, but in your case the situation can have dire effects on you.  I would recommend (again) that you go see an attorney ON YOUR OWN to find out what courses of action are available to protect yourself financially.  

Trust me, when push comes to shove, you will be shoved aside and son will ALWAYS take top spot.  And your DH has just shown that AGAIN by his willingness to go out and apply for a loan to help his son without your knowledge.  Who knows what else he is capable of? 

If you don't think DH won't bleed you dry financially to help his snowflake, think again.  He may be able to do so without your knowledge, too.  Just because he got turned down this time, doesn't mean he won't quit trying.

Imagine this nightmare scenario: your DH goes out and racks up all kinds of debt  to help junior out and you don't know about it.  Then (God forbid) your DH drops dead.  Guess who gets to pay it all off?  Or imagine it crops up when you are thinking you are ready to retire - bad news, you might have to work a lot longer than you thought. 

Good grief, what kind of a life partner are you willing to accept?  I would never stay married to someone who would make such decisions behind my back.  If you can't trust him, what do you really have together?   

 

 

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Sat, 03/10/2018 - 4:37pm

Pink, as 2tired suggested, PLEASE go see a lawyer who will advise you on the best route to take financially.  Then PLEASE split your finances so you are no longer paying for anything regarding SS,  Then make an appointment to see a threapist on your own so you can find the courage and self-confidence to do what you must do to protect yourself both emotionally and financially.  The longer you wait the more the risk.  Your DH sounds like a jerk.  He is using you.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Sat, 03/10/2018 - 4:44pm

Admittedly, I am paranoid about running out of money, so consider the source when I tell you I would dump your husband in a second. I don't trust someone who is so careless with money and on top of that so sneaky. If they can get it, people like this will take your money and piss it away like water because they don't respect money.

I think futuro is correct about you not assuming his debt, but he is still jeopardizing your home, credit score and financial security because you are legally associated with him. But even that isn't the reason you should leave him. You should leave him because what he did is akin to stealing. He's spending your money without even telling you let alone consulting with you. I don't care who signed what loans. At the end of the day, his finances are your finances.

I think it's unlikely you'll leave him for this, though, so at least protect yourself. Go to a financial adviser or lawyer and find out how you can protect your personal resources and assets from his behavior.

Here's the thing - maybe you can hang in there and emotionally put up with this behavior for a few more years, maybe it's not bad enough to leave him yet. But by the time it's bad enough to leave him, you might be financial wiped out. If you can't live with someone who is sneaky and financially irresponsible, go now while you still have your credit rating and a few cents to rub together. He's not going to suddenly become honest or intelligent about money.  Cut your losses.