It is horrible when older children are toxic and have emotional or mental issues. I experienced this first hand from two older adopted children. It was very frustrating and at times I thought I was going crazy. Your DH must feel like this too. Perhaps your DH needs to go to counseling to deal with his frustrations. Maybe you need to see a counselor also to help you get the self-confidence to stand firm with your boundaries.

You are not being unreasonable at all. DH is frustrated but he is using you as a sounding board, and you are just supposed to sit there and listen him without saying anything. It is hard to understand why your DH would agree that SS is too toxic to be in your home and around your smaller children but will not accept that the toxicity is not good for you too.

I just wasn't going to be the bad guy any more. I disengaged and life has been so much better. I felt that SD28 really liked the fact that he defended her and even more the fact that she was driving a wedge between us. Her goal was always to separate us, but when I disengaged I took all of her power away and now it doesn't matter what SHE does, it isn't going to come between US.

I encourage my Dh to have a relationship with SD, to go to lunch, etc, because I don't want him to ever feel that I wanted him to dump his daughter. This has nothing to do with her but everything to do with keeping my side of the street clean. I don't care if he gives her money, I don't hear about it, I don't even notice in our lifestyle etc, so it's not my problem.

Since I disengaged, life has become so much sweeter for DH and I, and he sees more and more how babying her only hurts her. He no longer pays her bills and while that makes her angry, it makes him feel like a better father, making his daughter stronger by dealing with life.

Sadly, the home dh helped her purchase a year ago is no longer a home for just her, as her mother has moved in and SD doesn't seem to be dating since her R ended 2 years ago. She is a pretty girl but she is so selfish relationships never last long. I am seriously starting to wonder when they will begin adopting cats. It is sad for SD but she makes these decisions, it's her life.

For me it is like hearing third or fourth person gossip and I am not affected by it any more. It feels really good.

You don't have to fight with DH, you don't even have to tell him to be quiet, that you are disengaged or that you don't care. I simply smile while he talks, am affable, then go on with my day. He is happy I listened, and I am happy he thinks I care. If he asks pointed questions about her I tell him that I will have to think about how I feel and let him know later, which I never do.

I hope you find the place you need to be for peace in your life because nobody has the right to take that from you! Hang in there..

Totally agree with everyone here... Hoping, you've got it particularly tough in your household it sounds like. I lurked on this site for years before I disengaged. I can't say it's been 100% smooth (maybe 70%?) but it's definitely better. No matter how hard I try my husband still "knows" that I'm displeased every time I have to hear about the latest *wonderful* thing that SS21 has done. He tries to turn it into "you hate my kid" fight most days. I just don't take the *bait* anymore (most of the time).

SS was supposed to pay his own tuition for college (Dad didn't save anything for school); Kid didn't
SS was supposed to get a regular job and be responsible for his own auxiliary spending, cell phone, car insuance; Kid didn't
SS: was supposed to graduate early from college (after Daddy caved and paid despite the fact that several months he was unemployed but drained OUR savings or maxed credit cards to pay it; Kid didn't
Summer job lined up? NOPE

Disengagement is aboslutely the best way to go. I'm personally not sure whether its best to talk about it with your DH or not (but some really great experience out here).

I do suggest you be ready (at least at first) for your DH to be pissy about it. Either bc "you hate my kid" or "you don't care about the things I care about"... like we're supposed to fall all over these entitled little brats above all else.

It's almost sad to watch because now that the funds available that are at my husband's disposal after our household Bill's is VERY VERY VERY slim (I took over the finances after he and SS maxed up a LOT of debt, the kid's reaching out much less often.

Hopefully, that might happen one day with you guys, too! Best of luck and feel free to reach out to those of us who are going through this, too. This really IS an excellent support group.

If you have one of these men, like most of us, you must disengage. They simply give us no alternative. Clearly, men like these--raise selfish kids that torment the h...ll out of SM's, as they are buddies and not fathers. They cannot father, period. Most enmeshed like this, will likely never act like a father; thus the kids do little with their lives, except ask for freebies from dadeeee.

Sorry to say you do not have any choice either....But, know you are not alone, no, not at all....many of us understand all too well.

I think a starting point is for you to decide what you want. Your DH apparently wishes to treat you as a partner by talking about his son with you. If you disengage, you disengage not only from the SS, but also from your husband. Is that what you want? Be cautious about choosing which bridges need strengthening, such as communication with your spouse. and which need burning.

Perhaps your DH and you could go to a competent counselor who specializes in "blended family" issues. There your husband can speak with someone about issues that are more appropriately dealt with by a professional, you can gather some insight and information about an appropriate role for you (i.e., wife, not therapist), and you both may learn some new, more effective approaches both for dealing with the SS and with each other about the SS.

If you can't afford or can't find a good therapist, an inexpensive and accessible way to learn new ways to cope with people whose behavior you cannot control is to go to ALANON.

Good luck.