Good gracious - I'm not surprised by your Username under the circumstances!   In my opinion, not only is it NOT a mistake for you to cut ties completely with this out of control adult, but you have to do so, for the sake of your childrens' welfare, and for your own mental health.   You say your biggest fear is your husband and his family resenting you if you do.  Honestly, that would be waaaay down my list of fears - why should you be verbally and/or physically abused or allow your children to be?  You have the right to say, no more - enough.  

I am glad you have at least banned him from your house and insisted that your DH sees him elsewhere, and that you have blocked him on your phone and on social media.  This young man needs help, that is plain, but you cannot be the ones to suffer because of him.  

"He flipped out and has been calling me, yelling at me, calling me a bitch, sending threatening texts, insulting texts for two days"

I do hope you've saved these texts because what you should do is take them to the police station (or wherever you have to go for this) and file for a restraining order because you are scared (and even if you're not, you should be scared for your kids). 

Seriously? Your husband put him out for 24 hours as a consequence? If your son tells his teacher his adult brother slapped him, prepare for a CPS visit.  He needs to move out, post haste.  Your DH is not protecting his younger children and is enabling SS's failure to grow up.   If DH won't make him move out, they can both move out together. 

I think your fear (that your husband/family might resent you) is legitimate, but in no way should you feel guilty.  YOU are not responsible for this young adult's many issues; it is unreasonable to expect a stepmother to have unconditional love for a stepchild (especially one she was expected to help raise without having input/authority); and you have an obligation to protect your biological children who are being mistreated by your SS, not to mention exposed to unacceptable behavior.

It sounds like your husband's family is well aware of this kid's issues, and that he already has ruined relationships there, so it could turn out that they are more understanding than you anticipate.  In any event, I think you owe it to your children to keep this SS out of your home.  He's an adult and it's time for him to  launch anyway.

I agree with the PP who said you should save the texts and use them to get a restraining order if it continues.  You need to protect yourself and your kids.  Once SS finds himself on the outside, he may ramp it up.

Yes absolutely cut ties with this abusive SS of yours and don't you have any regrets. You have an obligation to your children to protect them, even if that's against their own brother. Your H wants to tip toe around this like it's not that serious that's on him but you should NEVER allow SS back in your home. That would be my hill to die on. I wouldn't care what H's family thought, it is of no concern or relevance. You are the one who has been living this toxic life with SS for all these years, dealing with abuse and two parents who are not holding their child accountable for his behavior. 

He needs help and he needs to seek it outside your home. Should there be a next time I'd get a restraining order against him and if H plays guilty daddy he can up and leave too...heck divorce may be in the horizon as well if he doesn't step it up as a H and a father to his other children. 

Protect you and your kids OP.

YOUR children are your first priority and you need to protect them. As mentioned above, had your son told his teacher, prepare for a visit from CPS as the teacher would be obligated to report. Your husband is deluding himself.

SS is a Toxic Person. You have every right to cut a Toxic Person out of your life, regardless of your relationship to them. Friend (frenemy), blood relative, step relation... CUT THEM OUT. 

That way you will ensure your DH can’t cave and bring him back into the home.   Now it is just a piece of paper so you should be mindful of your surroundings in case your SS follows through on his threats.  But if you at leaDt get the RO, you can have him arrested for coming to your home or near you.  Tel your DH he can go live with SS elsewhere if he fails to be on your side about this.   

That way you will ensure your DH can’t cave and bring him back into the home.   Now it is just a piece of paper so you should be mindful of your surroundings in case your SS follows through on his threats.  But if you at leaDt get the RO, you can have him arrested for coming to your home or near you.  Tel your DH he can go live with SS elsewhere if he fails to be on your side about this.   

You need to cut your ball-less husband out of the parenting equation with your minor children. YOU call the police on the 22yo for abusing/assaulting your children and show DH what being a responsible parent is all about.

Press charges, get him on the child abusers list for life and get him the hell out of your home and your life.  Get an RO/PO against him and attend all of the family events with your DH. If the abusive SS is there, he leaves or he goes to jail.  Keep the RO/PO in place and do not tolerate this POS in your life, your marriage or in the lives of your young children.

Your DH obviously does not have the capability to put his foot up this abusive adult's ass so you are going to have to do it.  

Don't wait.  Call the police immediately and press charges on SS-22.  Maybe SS-21 will learn from the consequences that his elder brother experiences and have a chance at avoiding those mistakes in his own life.

Take care of your kids.

and your husband kicked him out for 24hrs and saud to him next time it’ll be 3 days?? This is wrong. That basically says hubby isn’t interested in disciplining his kid.

reality is if skid is smacking your children on a regular basis when he has no permission or authority to do so, then hubby should be saying “get out of my house, you are not welcome until you apologize to everyone and are respectful etc”

by continually allowing him in to live at your home when he is an abusive adult, hubby is not protecting his minor kids one bit

Part of me feels guilty because I should love and accept him unconditionally,

Who says you have to love and accept him unconditionally? You don't.

Even if you love someone unconditionally, it does NOT mean that you have to put up with this kind of behavior and treatment, and it certainly does not mean that you should allow your kids to be abused by this person.

I had an explosive SS and there came a point where he could not come back home. We had taken him to therapy. Tried to talk with him. Did what we could. But we had a minor, his SD, at the house and we had to protect her.

I'm sorry that you, too, had to deal with this. Physical violence is not okay. You have minor children in the home and you have to protect them.

And you need to protect yourself, too. Abusive people escalate without treatment/intervention. You've already done everything you can to help this person. You have your own children to raise and it's up to his BM and grandparents to help him. But if he's burning bridges with them, well, then he will probably end up learning the hard way.

It's difficult to watch. But I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in what you're experiencing.

You have every right to cut this abusive *adult* out of your life. It sounds like he has two enabling parents and he's gotten out of control. 

From what you've said, it sounds as though he's alienated others, so I don't think anyone will think any less of you for taking a step back from him. 

As far as mental health is concerned, I hope his mother is not still controlling whether or not he receives treatment. Does she show any signs of a personality disorder? I ask that because the BM in my life has "borderline" tendencies and I think she does things that will keep SSs dependent upon her. They were in counseling very briefly (she demanded counseling, threatening to take DH to court if he did not agree to the counselor she picked and saying the chidren were "in crisis", but then stopped taking them after two months). I think one of the reasons they stopped going was because the counselor was helping them to become more independent of BM. Instead of taking them to counselor, BM has them beg DH to go to counseling with her. One of them was supposedly diagnosed with anxiety at age 4 and BM recently said his pediatrician says he has OCD, but BM still hasn't resumed counseling. 

Your DH probably feels guilty about his son, but his son is now an adult and needs to learn to manage his own life. It's unfortunate for him that neither parent has equipped him to do that, but your DH has to show your children how responsible adults behave and their older adult half-brother is setting a bad example. 

Good luck! I have a SS who could become just like your adult SS, but he is still a young teen. I keep my fingers crossed that he doesn't become like that, but if he does, he will not find a place to stay in my home. He can stay with BM or MIL, both of whom enable his victim mentality. 

So, here you are, two years later with the hate and violence only escalated... #1 Just as "Rags" said - get that Restraining Order against SS. #2  You are at a place where you need to protect yourself and your children. Period.  Gun Shops and Gun Ranges are all around - as are Concealed Carry Classes - which is a great place to start as a beginner.  Find an instructor you like, meet with them once a week to get used to using a weapon at the Range together.  Purchase gun you're comfortable with and ammo and keep it out of reach - don't even tell your asshole husband.  Find your inner Mamma Bear Bitch Bad Ass that is Godly given within you and keep her close by.  Alert your local Police Dept. when your Evil SS is released so they check your house regularly.  Because of being threatened by my homeless druggie drunk gang banging 54 yr old SD - I have done all the above.  
Be empowered instead of being a victim.  And, If I were you, I'd go see your city's top Divorce Attorney for a consult.

In all things, Go with God's Blessing and Protection always!

I haven't read all the other comments but your first duty is to your BK's. They are innocent children and do not deserve to be slapped or to witness their Mother being abused by a SK. You can't control what your husband or anyone else thinks of you. You only have control over your own choices. The SS has to go. Your husband can try to get him help (or not) but that is not your problem to solve. Either your husband will support you or won't but either way you have to do what you have to do. Hopefully your husband is not an idiot and comes to accept your choices. 

Just read your update. DH protects you fully or divorce him IMO. Divorce is better than being dead.

Since when does a 22yo "play around" with a child? Seriously? This guy is sick. 

I read up until he slapped your 9 year old, Then blood started to boil,If that was me and he slapped my child he would be in the ICU after I severely hurt him,The guy is a POS,He's been offered mental health support but obviously hasn't taken it or gotten anything out of it,He suffers narcissist disorder,Where he believes he is above everybody else fk everyone else and their feelings,Fk my step mother and her three kids is the energy I'm getting from this ,You need to cut all ties from the POS,He hurt your kids,Half brothers step Brothers older brothers whatever is never an excuse to slap a 9yo, He has no respect nor feelings for you and sadly never will,

You need to tell your husband you and your kids safety comes first so cut all ties with him or avoid him until he man's up starts showing forgiveness respect and the love that your family deserves

Reading your story feels like reading the things my parents and siblings did to me. I cut ties. I did it because they were underming me as a parent. I believed then and now that if I continued to go and let my children see me being completely disrespected over and over, my children would have learned to disrespect me.

The flip side of it is that a couple of my kids are now angry with me for NOT going to family holidays, for 'trying to keep them' from their family (which isn't actually true) and so at the moment I've lost a couple of my kids anyway.

The point is, there is no guarantee win in this situation. If you cut off your SS and insist your husband never speak to him again, you may win. Or you may find many people turning against you, including your own children who may see this as you keeping them away from their brother and their paternal family.

Believe me--I say this from experience where I felt (still feel) that my family is an active danger to my children. Yet keeping them away only brings on its own problems because my children don't fully see what's happening here.

I think you have to walk a fine line with telling your husband HE can't have any relationship with his son. The important thing is that his son not harm your children. But if you insist he never see his son again, you may create a very difficult situation for him. Allow for him to possibly talk to and teach his son (while keeping his son away from your children). Allow for his son to finally grow up and change. 

I am fully behind you keeping this SS away from your children. It's one of the reasons I finally refused to bring my children to my parents' -- because my parents would literally slap my children right in front of me. Yet I'm now paying a very heavy price for it, as my children cannot understand what is behind my reasons for not going and for discouraging them going, to see my parents and two of my kids have actively turned against me because of this.

My heart goes out to you. This is a very, very difficult situation.

All your husband says is you're out of the house 24hrs and next time its 3 days?? What a solution!! So next time ss is back home he hits again just to see and challenge his dad to dare him to kick him out 3 days and what then? Daddy gonna tell him its 5 days out now??

no adult skid of mine will ever lay a hand on my kids, they would be out of the house then and there!! My husband knows i mean it.

disengaging means nothing if your husband will not address his kids from ex smacking and bullying your kids. Right now, ss believes he had authority because your husband has refused to put the fear of god in him and made it very clear that he is not your kids parent and therefore doesn't have any right or permission to lay a hand on any of your kids, he doesn't get to abuse you.

frankly with all those multiple texts, you tell your husband right now that his son is not setting foot in the house and you will be filing a restraining order against him.

if he's gonna get this nasty and has a history laying his hands on his kids, its a matter of time he starts getting physical with you. Protect yourself beforehand. When hubby chuck's the son story but its my son, remind him of facts and that you are terrified of having him in your marital home and he is banned. 
 

if ss wants to be an abusive shi*, he can do that in his own home alone.

 I need to find a therapist who specializes in psychopathy so I can assess the level of risk this will happen again if I staying married and if it will stop if I divorce.

-----------------

Ma'am are your kiddos still living inside the home WITH ss?

Still?

File assualt and child abuse charges against that POS and put his ass in jail.  Get him away from your young kids, nail his ass with an RO/PO keeping him 500 feet away from you, your children, and your home. Your DH and his day, then 3 day crap for his adult POS spawn slapping a 9yo.

You and DH allowed this to happen once and are facilitating the situation where it could happen repeatedly. Why?  This is not the action of quality or responsible parents to minor children.

This is beyond belief.

smh