DW enabling adult ex con alcoholic SS living with us
My DW's son got out of jail about a year ago and we agreed to let him stay with us to work off the $6,000 he owed us for the last time we propped him back up with money & a car. He got DUI a short time later and then into jail for domestic disturbances. He had priors. He has worked off the $6,000 but has a hard time getting a job being a felon and having no drivers license. My DW has been driving him to temp jobs 20 - 35 miles away. Two round trips a day. She doe collect some gas money from him and he shares food he gets with food stamps. Her plan is to support him so he can save enough money to get his license again. He has to pay for classes and may have to have breathalyzer installed in car. He refuses to admit he is a alcoholic but with my DW's monitoring has cut down some. I did finally have a talk with her and told her that I'm too old to spend the rest of my life living with my SS. Stress of SS living with us is starting to effect my health. Her reply was that I broke her heart because I am so uncaring about her son and that she doesn't have much feeling for me because of it. I believe once we get SS set up again he will repeat history and break his Mothers heart again. Last jail stint wasn't the first time. SS father was a total loser that abused SS and his sister. DW is still trying make up for what happened to SS at hands of his father. SS is 40 years old.
I like your comment on
I like your comment on childhood. I agree. Childhood should be tough enough to want to grow up and get out of it.
newwife, I'm going through
newwife, I'm going through the same thing. SS, 19, has serious issues with drinking. Last night he was arrested for the 4th time (3 underage and 1 DUI). Thank God he is going "home" Sat. to his free range useless mother. After the divorce she would never let DH be a father and actually partied with the kids, 14 and 18 at the time. He is not living here! (he has spent the last 2 months back and forth but it became apparent he's not able to buckle down and work and act like the adult he thinks he is)
Oh dear, I am all in favor of
Oh dear, I am all in favor of giving the kids a 'helping hand' if they really need it but that's taking liberties too far! Your wife probably doesn't know of any other way to deal with the situation though, to her he's her little boy...right? She probably feels bad for what his BD did and is 'compensating' him by killing him, and herself, and you if you allow it, in the process.
Can I suggest that you announce that you are going to a meeting to help you best deal with the situation, persuade her to come too and she can learn how she is enabling him and how to turn it around. Let her know that meetings are not just for alcoholics, they are for supporting families too. Here's hoping you have a good outcome to this, I am fairly sure you do not want to walk out on her, she probably doesn't want to lose you iether!
I FEEL LIKE VENTING NOW...if you do not want to read further I understand (chuckle)
Kids getting an easy ride is a sore topic with me right now. We have one of our son's friends living with us right now. He's not an addict or anything but he's a lazy little toad and this morning he refused to get up and go to work! DH pitched a fit with him and made him sit outside the front door until he comes back and then he'll decide what goes on with the boy. He lives with us, has a room of his own, cell phone, computer, tablet, we got him his driving license and he gets his insurance paid for him, food shelter and clothing (let's not forget those) and all he has to do is dishes and help DH at work. This kid has had a tough life too, his parents are both addicts, but he is his own man and he has his own choices.
The audacity though, refusing to get out of bed? DH went ape at him, it was arranged that we'd stay home for a repair man coming and the boy would go and just sit on his ass at work with an easy task until we got there.
Maybe it's time for this boy to make his own way, he survived the streets before he came to us! This is the third time the boy has been put out the door, DH and I can very easily go back to how it was before he came...dishes are no big deal for me! I might add keeping the floors clean to his list if DH lets him back again...at this rate I'll have nothing to do!! (huge grin)
The boy seriously does not know an honest day's work, does not have a high school diploma or GED and is not gainfully employed elsewhere. He bitched about not having pocket cash, we're like 'excuse me?' You get to live here rent free, utility free, insurance free and you are not overworked by any means and you get pocket change fairly often when you've done a really good job and you get the private use of a vehicle to visit your friends. Malconteded little phukka...
Sounds like you and your DH
Sounds like you and your DH are doing as much enabling as I am. I didn't even pay for my own kids car insurance. We gave them a hand me down car when they got job to pay insurance. They are all out taking care of the themselves.
We paid for the insurance
We paid for the insurance because it's our vehicle and the boy was using it to get to the job sites to help out so it was not so bad. The boy has been out of the house for two nights now. He was sitting outside the house when DH got back so DH sat down with him and asked him what's on his mind...no response...he slept in our tool trailer night before last and I do not know about last night yet. The boy did not come forward to even discuss, apologize or anything...his choice! These people prey on us idiots with a concience...right? I am sorry kiddo but you brought it upon yourself. Yeah, this morning I considered his mental state, I mentioned to DH that he might be depressed and suicidal or some other state of mind other than postal. He's the sort of kid who would go postal actually so depression could hit him hard and he may withdraw. We've done so much to try to help him but unless he makes the effort I do not know what to tell him! Doing as you are asked, get out of bed and go to do some sit on your ass work until we get there is NOT too much to ask. I just found out that DH actually went into the room and put the light on to 'help' him get up, the little mphukka got out of bed, turned the light OFF and got back into bed...Ohhhh no you don't buddy! Any sympathetic thoughts I had flew right out the window at that point! We might drop him off at the mental health hospital if he hangs around the house with no real agenda.
Yes, we were! Not any more
Yes, we were! Not any more though, he's gone. He'll have to wait to collect his stuff until it's convenient for us too. I took pictures of the horrible state the room was in too! NO way is anyone getting back in our house to do that to us again.
You, as the man of that
You, as the man of that house, need to MAN UP and put your foot down. It's called TOUGH LOVE and it hurts like hell to take a stand against her child. DW is too attached fearing the outcome if she lets him flounder which is exactly what he will do. Ask yourself what has he learned from all of this. If you and DW are honest the answer will be that he has leaned to work you both and mommy and daddy will bail him out. There's no true life lesson learned by him when this is allowed. Ok there's only two ways this can turn out if you put him out. He's either going to turn it around or he won't. Either way it's all on him. Just because his dad abused him doesn't give him a free pass to going through life being a knucklehead. My aunt lost her house helping her son (my cousin) then she died. Did he help her in her time of need? Hell no!!! This is your life. He will bleed you dry then when you need him he won't give two hoots to step up because you have taught him no responsibility is the way to live. Don't let DW guilt you. Stick to your guns. Which is worse? To deal with the upset wife or the freeloading son???? When you put your foot down watch those bank accounts. She may try to funnel him money on the side. Helping him hasn't produced results. Maybe lovingly turning your back on him will. Crazy stops when you make it stop. Otherwise enjoy the ride.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments and support. I am actually not living with DW and SS at this time. I did not explain with first post because it was getting too lengthy. We have vacation rental property in two different states and were DW and SS are staying is also near her Mothers. I had to go to property in another state to paint our pool. This was good excuse to get out. Pool has been painted and am wrapping up what I need to do here so it will soon be time to face the music. If I leave DW and SS together long enough he will screw up and maybe she will see light. In fact something has gone down already but she won't tell me what yet. I've been away for almost two months and I've lost weight ( good thing) and health has improved. When SS is living with us I woke up every morning p**** off at the world. I don't do that now but I do miss DW. Someone suggested that DW is looking for a way out anyway but I don't think that is the case. She really doesn't know what else to do. She knows that if she puts him out he will end up dead or in jail at some time. Did I mention that he has 3 darling daughters that live with their Mother that we hardly ever get to see because of his screw ups and never paying a dime of support. Another sad story, the Mothers boyfriend was whipping the girls and they begged us to do something so we talked to Mother and result was that we did not see them for 3 years. They live in state were it is perfectly legal to beat your children as long as you don't break something.
Just found out DW is toting 40 yr old SS to see girl friend. I know what you all say "get out while you can" but of course it's never as simple as that.
I've had the same problem.
I've had the same problem. DH brought his drug addicted son to live with us. His son is not just an addict, but he's a mean addict. He overdosed, lived to brag about it, ended up having a drug related stroke. My DH is so guilt ridden that he's now taking care of him. SS was literally terrorizing me everyday whenever DH wasn't home. I was forced to leave the home that I worked my whole life to built. I now live in a small apartment while DH and SS live in my 4 bedroom house on a golf course. There's so much more, but I wouldn't want to bore anyone. All I can say is that now I don't live in a state of fear anymore even though my lifestyle has changed and I live like a college student at the age of 59. I'm hurt and betrayed by my DH after 23 years of marriage.
I forgot to mention that SS
I forgot to mention that SS is in his mid 30's with his own family who he can't go near because of a court order and the threats he has made.
Funny you should say fix the
Funny you should say fix the fence. It's on my list LOL
I think that this guy is a
I think that this guy is a GIGANTIC ZIT and should be squeazed OUT!!
I have similar situation with
I have similar situation with SS22 - drug addict. Same as others, cannot spend ONE night in our home. And of of right now he cannot even come to dinner because the last time he showed up wasted. It my husband a while but he gets it now - DO NOT ENABLE!
Both parents are enabling
Both parents are enabling this grown man!
Run, don't walk to the nearest Al-Anon meeting.
Go to 4 or 5 first before you think about giving up.
Another great book to read is by Melodie Beattie "CoDependent No More", a must for anyone who finds themselves "propping someone up who has substance abuse problems"