Hi, I have disengaged. but now feel so guilty and dont know why. Has anyone else felt this way ? does it get easier. Part of me still wants yo "fix" things. part of me is so relieved.
I can only tell you what I've experienced but Ive so far not been strong enough because of the guilty feeling. It's because you are a fixer that you feel guilty, I too am a fixer and feel that I've failed if I couldn't make things right. You'll see in my past that I've tried many many times and I'm still trying, for my DH sake more than anyones. I think it would get easier if the kids weren't so dependent on us for their own happiness, but I think that's what most of us deal with. I can offer words of support and tell you to hang in there and keep your boundaries and over time you'll feel much better or maybe create your own way of disengaging which may have some gray area, remember, this is about you, not anyone else, you need to feel good about it first, and let the rest come to you with time. Best of luck and big hugs.
hi fixer is a really good word. i have tried to "fix" things for years arranging get togethers at birthdays christmas holidays etc weekends away.
its funny since i stepped back from doing it, no one else does. My DH still on terms with 2 of the skids and thats great and totally fine with me. i dont communicate with them directly. but would always be polite and civil if an event came up.
time will be a healer and i suppose at least. ive not had an argument with anyone just stopped communicating directly and on social media. funnily enough its been months and no one has contacted me..
im staying strong and im so grateful to have gound this site!
I'm not an automatic fixer, more like a helper when I can, so I did not experience guilt when I disengaged. The relief that I no longer had to try to do the impossible was terrific so I never looked back. No amount of trying will bring people together as a family if they don't want to be family.
And disengagement looks different for everyone, too, and people approach it from different angles. Some people stop engaging in a particular thing, and some people go big bang. I just quietly stopped trying to get the steps to like me (stopped buying things, stopped calling them, stopped initiating activities, things like that) and stopped taking responsibility for things that DH could do (remembering birthdays, for example, and some harder things that required the steps to accept some adult responsibilities). If they ask me for a recipe, career advice, etc., I respond generously with kindness but I don't leap to the conclusion that they've finally accepted me. To them, I am DH's wife. That's all. Plenty fine with me.
Im not entirly sure what i feel guilty about. if they turned up they would be welcome. but fact is they just dont like me. thats mainly what i have done i no longer initiate contact so there is none.
maybe i suppose i feel guilty cos my dh does support me so much. he kind of has the attitude of he and i come as a pair or not at all. his feelings. id be happy if he saw them without me. problem here really is they tend to invite bm along without telling him!!!
so maybe the guilt is i feel like its my fault their relationship is strained. x
The quiet disengager. That seems to work for me, too. I've never really gone out of my way to engage and please because I'd heard the last SM did that and they shat in her face over and over. I determined when I married their dad that I would do very little to try and please. That said, I am cordial and do little things for them when they're over that don't take a lot of effort. I'm guessing I've dodged a lot of extra emotional hardship on myself by doing it this way. I think sometimes that they don't know quite how to interact with me and that's a very good thing. Keep them guessing so that they don't cross the lines. It is sad that it has to be this way, but self preservation and sanity and thus health are by far more important to me than licking up the few crumbs they might throw down for me in the way of "friendliness". Most of us know that, like Merry says, we will only ever be dad's wife (and many refuse to think of us as even that, as they will forever see daddy as their own mother's husband and that dream never dies). And if by some stroke of luck we live out our days with their dad and he should pass on before us, so will his kids pass on down the street leaving us in a trail of dust. This is a major part of the reason SMs should not care too much.
Get the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It will make clear what is yours to be responsible for and what others are responsible for. It's not your job to do it all. When you do , others get shortchanged by doing it themselves. There will be many things you won't like how it gets done but that comes with disengagement. Also don't be afraid to make your expectations clear about hygiene and house standards. As long as you don't have to do it and it gets done. That's the goal. (At least for household things ).
Disengagement isn't necessarily just not doing things for people. Disengagement is giving yourself permission to not "care" about what train is hurtling down the track at them...lol.
Disengagement is also not a one size fits all kind of thing. Certainly, it doesn't make common courtesy go away. I think we should still behave civilly to people.. even if we aren't really involved in their lives to any great extent. It might even mean you still do things that may ultimately benefit them.. by doing favors for your partner. Like if you are the resident gift buyer... well.. you may still get presents for his family (with his money).. but it's not like you are doing it for THEM.. you are doing it because it's an errand/chore that makes your partner's life easier if you handle it for them... like maybe they change the oil in your car.. etc..
But, in the end, why would you feel guilty for dropping the rope on people that haven't treated you well. They are adults.. you are an adult.. you can choose to not wade into the muck pit. You can choose to not spend your time or mental energy on people that aren't worth it.
It's ok to let your partner have the relationship they want to nurture with their family.. but as an adult, you can set your own boundaries.
I have struggled with periods of disengagement with both of my now-adult stepdaughters. In many ways, it has affected our relationship for the long term, but my counselor has helped me understand that their father is the one driving the triangulation, and there is no hope of my having a close relationship with them until he changes. There are major codependency issues between my partner and his daughters, and he has not taken action to address his own mental health struggles, or the codependency that results. It is a painful, lonely place to be. I do not yet have these concerns with my 13 year-old stepson, as I am his bonded parent, and he is secure and independent. My relationship with my stepson is actually quite threatening to his father, as he struggles to understand how to relate to a secure, independent child.
In the end, you are the only person who will look out for you. I have learned that in dysfunctional family systems, boundaries are typically perceived as betrayals, and so protecting yourself often leads to other dimensions of dysfunction. What I have also learned is that when I don't make myself available to be treated poorly by these children, I don't get treated poorly. Since they are adults, I try to stay in the role of "spectator" and learn from what I see. It can be painful, and it can be lonely, but it is not as painful as being treated like garbage by the people I have committed the last 11 years of my life to.
Recently, I have learned of the concepts of "clean" and "dirty" pain, from the book My Grandmother's Hands by Resmaa Menakem. Considering these ideas have helped me immensely in navigating this family system.
"Clean" pain is pain that mends and can build your capacity for growth. It is the pain you feel when you know what to say or do; when you really, really don't want to say or do it; and you do it anyway by responding from the best parts of yourself. Clean pain helps you metabolize pain and heal your body.
"Dirty" pain is the pain of avoidance, blame, or denial - when you respond from your most wounded parts. Dirty pain only creates more pain, and does not promote healing.
My current situation is now complicated by the recent death of my children's bio-mom. I know in my heart that they need me, but I have to be cautious in how I approach them after so many years of disengagement. I am constantly looking at this situation through the lens of clean or dirty pain, and it helps guide me in how I interact with them, and the expectations I have for their response to me. I also remind myself that loving complicated people invites us into chapters of anger, frustration and resentment, OR chapters of grace. Most of the time, I have to focus on grace.
So in this chapter of disengagement, give yourself credit for stepping into your pain, and healing your own body. Be observant of the other players in this drama and try to analyze their own pain. It might make a difference in how you find peace with your decision.
helped me understand that their father is the one driving the triangulation,
In the end, you are the only person who will look out for you. I have learned that in dysfunctional family systems, boundaries are typically perceived as betrayals, and so protecting yourself often leads to other dimensions of dysfunction.
Dirty pain only creates more pain, and does not promote healing.
also remind myself that loving complicated people invites us into chapters of anger, frustration and resentment, OR chapters of grace
... if your partner doesn't convey to you his own feeling of betrayal that you just don't care about his crotch fruit. My DH, seemingly oblivious to his son's lack of interest in a relationship with me and sometimes open hostility toward me, has tried multiple times over the years to get me to engage with the SS. Sometimes he is open about it, other times underhand and manipulative. Sometimes I have to respond with a clear KNOCK IT OFF, but mostly I get by giving him a mildly confused look, as though I were halfheartedly trying to understand the babblings of a visitor from Planet Oog. He's pretty much stopped by now.
I may have landed the final blow recently when, during the last couple of days during our frantic preparations to permanently move to another country, DH disappeared without saying anything to me. When he got back several hours later, he said, "I just had lunch with SS."
"That's nice," I said, sincerely distracted. "Have you seen my other sandal?"
By the way, the phrase "that's nice" delivered with the clear sense that you've got other things on your mind, is a valuable technique that everyone should have in their bag of tricks. DIfferent approaches for different situations.
My two cents
I can only tell you what I've experienced but Ive so far not been strong enough because of the guilty feeling. It's because you are a fixer that you feel guilty, I too am a fixer and feel that I've failed if I couldn't make things right. You'll see in my past that I've tried many many times and I'm still trying, for my DH sake more than anyones. I think it would get easier if the kids weren't so dependent on us for their own happiness, but I think that's what most of us deal with. I can offer words of support and tell you to hang in there and keep your boundaries and over time you'll feel much better or maybe create your own way of disengaging which may have some gray area, remember, this is about you, not anyone else, you need to feel good about it first, and let the rest come to you with time. Best of luck and big hugs.
fixer
hi fixer is a really good word. i have tried to "fix" things for years arranging get togethers at birthdays christmas holidays etc weekends away.
its funny since i stepped back from doing it, no one else does. My DH still on terms with 2 of the skids and thats great and totally fine with me. i dont communicate with them directly. but would always be polite and civil if an event came up.
time will be a healer and i suppose at least. ive not had an argument with anyone just stopped communicating directly and on social media. funnily enough its been months and no one has contacted me..
im staying strong and im so grateful to have gound this site!
What it is you feel guilty
What it is you feel guilty about?
I'm not an automatic fixer, more like a helper when I can, so I did not experience guilt when I disengaged. The relief that I no longer had to try to do the impossible was terrific so I never looked back. No amount of trying will bring people together as a family if they don't want to be family.
And disengagement looks different for everyone, too, and people approach it from different angles. Some people stop engaging in a particular thing, and some people go big bang. I just quietly stopped trying to get the steps to like me (stopped buying things, stopped calling them, stopped initiating activities, things like that) and stopped taking responsibility for things that DH could do (remembering birthdays, for example, and some harder things that required the steps to accept some adult responsibilities). If they ask me for a recipe, career advice, etc., I respond generously with kindness but I don't leap to the conclusion that they've finally accepted me. To them, I am DH's wife. That's all. Plenty fine with me.
guilt
Im not entirly sure what i feel guilty about. if they turned up they would be welcome. but fact is they just dont like me. thats mainly what i have done i no longer initiate contact so there is none.
maybe i suppose i feel guilty cos my dh does support me so much. he kind of has the attitude of he and i come as a pair or not at all. his feelings. id be happy if he saw them without me. problem here really is they tend to invite bm along without telling him!!!
so maybe the guilt is i feel like its my fault their relationship is strained. x
The quiet disengager. That
The quiet disengager. That seems to work for me, too. I've never really gone out of my way to engage and please because I'd heard the last SM did that and they shat in her face over and over. I determined when I married their dad that I would do very little to try and please. That said, I am cordial and do little things for them when they're over that don't take a lot of effort. I'm guessing I've dodged a lot of extra emotional hardship on myself by doing it this way. I think sometimes that they don't know quite how to interact with me and that's a very good thing. Keep them guessing so that they don't cross the lines. It is sad that it has to be this way, but self preservation and sanity and thus health are by far more important to me than licking up the few crumbs they might throw down for me in the way of "friendliness". Most of us know that, like Merry says, we will only ever be dad's wife (and many refuse to think of us as even that, as they will forever see daddy as their own mother's husband and that dream never dies). And if by some stroke of luck we live out our days with their dad and he should pass on before us, so will his kids pass on down the street leaving us in a trail of dust. This is a major part of the reason SMs should not care too much.
Get the book Boundaries by
Get the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It will make clear what is yours to be responsible for and what others are responsible for. It's not your job to do it all. When you do , others get shortchanged by doing it themselves. There will be many things you won't like how it gets done but that comes with disengagement. Also don't be afraid to make your expectations clear about hygiene and house standards. As long as you don't have to do it and it gets done. That's the goal. (At least for household things ).
book
i will look thanks x
That is a great suggestion, and a fantastic line of books!
I have read several and completed workbooks...very helpful.
Disengagement isn't
Disengagement isn't necessarily just not doing things for people. Disengagement is giving yourself permission to not "care" about what train is hurtling down the track at them...lol.
Disengagement is also not a one size fits all kind of thing. Certainly, it doesn't make common courtesy go away. I think we should still behave civilly to people.. even if we aren't really involved in their lives to any great extent. It might even mean you still do things that may ultimately benefit them.. by doing favors for your partner. Like if you are the resident gift buyer... well.. you may still get presents for his family (with his money).. but it's not like you are doing it for THEM.. you are doing it because it's an errand/chore that makes your partner's life easier if you handle it for them... like maybe they change the oil in your car.. etc..
But, in the end, why would you feel guilty for dropping the rope on people that haven't treated you well. They are adults.. you are an adult.. you can choose to not wade into the muck pit. You can choose to not spend your time or mental energy on people that aren't worth it.
It's ok to let your partner have the relationship they want to nurture with their family.. but as an adult, you can set your own boundaries.
I felt the same
Hi there
I have struggled with periods of disengagement with both of my now-adult stepdaughters. In many ways, it has affected our relationship for the long term, but my counselor has helped me understand that their father is the one driving the triangulation, and there is no hope of my having a close relationship with them until he changes. There are major codependency issues between my partner and his daughters, and he has not taken action to address his own mental health struggles, or the codependency that results. It is a painful, lonely place to be. I do not yet have these concerns with my 13 year-old stepson, as I am his bonded parent, and he is secure and independent. My relationship with my stepson is actually quite threatening to his father, as he struggles to understand how to relate to a secure, independent child.
In the end, you are the only person who will look out for you. I have learned that in dysfunctional family systems, boundaries are typically perceived as betrayals, and so protecting yourself often leads to other dimensions of dysfunction. What I have also learned is that when I don't make myself available to be treated poorly by these children, I don't get treated poorly. Since they are adults, I try to stay in the role of "spectator" and learn from what I see. It can be painful, and it can be lonely, but it is not as painful as being treated like garbage by the people I have committed the last 11 years of my life to.
Recently, I have learned of the concepts of "clean" and "dirty" pain, from the book My Grandmother's Hands by Resmaa Menakem. Considering these ideas have helped me immensely in navigating this family system.
"Clean" pain is pain that mends and can build your capacity for growth. It is the pain you feel when you know what to say or do; when you really, really don't want to say or do it; and you do it anyway by responding from the best parts of yourself. Clean pain helps you metabolize pain and heal your body.
"Dirty" pain is the pain of avoidance, blame, or denial - when you respond from your most wounded parts. Dirty pain only creates more pain, and does not promote healing.
My current situation is now complicated by the recent death of my children's bio-mom. I know in my heart that they need me, but I have to be cautious in how I approach them after so many years of disengagement. I am constantly looking at this situation through the lens of clean or dirty pain, and it helps guide me in how I interact with them, and the expectations I have for their response to me. I also remind myself that loving complicated people invites us into chapters of anger, frustration and resentment, OR chapters of grace. Most of the time, I have to focus on grace.
So in this chapter of disengagement, give yourself credit for stepping into your pain, and healing your own body. Be observant of the other players in this drama and try to analyze their own pain. It might make a difference in how you find peace with your decision.
Best wishes.
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It also helps ...
... if your partner doesn't convey to you his own feeling of betrayal that you just don't care about his crotch fruit. My DH, seemingly oblivious to his son's lack of interest in a relationship with me and sometimes open hostility toward me, has tried multiple times over the years to get me to engage with the SS. Sometimes he is open about it, other times underhand and manipulative. Sometimes I have to respond with a clear KNOCK IT OFF, but mostly I get by giving him a mildly confused look, as though I were halfheartedly trying to understand the babblings of a visitor from Planet Oog. He's pretty much stopped by now.
I may have landed the final blow recently when, during the last couple of days during our frantic preparations to permanently move to another country, DH disappeared without saying anything to me. When he got back several hours later, he said, "I just had lunch with SS."
"That's nice," I said, sincerely distracted. "Have you seen my other sandal?"
By the way, the phrase "that's nice" delivered with the clear sense that you've got other things on your mind, is a valuable technique that everyone should have in their bag of tricks. DIfferent approaches for different situations.
No, I Never Feel Guilty, Just Much Happier. I No Longer Have To
be front and center for all the passive aggressive dysfunctional BS.
You will get used to it, trust me! Practice makes perfect!
Be well!