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Disagreement coming!!!

Turn back time's picture

So Sd's boyfriend called to let Husband know he would like to propose this summer.  He would like to have both families, his, ours, everybody there.  This would require an overnight trip, staying in a hotel room and a 4 and 1/2 drive one way.  Husband has cancer and no immune system or any strength.  I have pets, don't have anybody that could feed them, and cannot take time off of work.  I don't want him to go alone and he will definitely not miss this because he cannot say no. This will be a huge fight if I do not attend.  And MIL will be yapping again as always.  Whole other story with her!    Is there a good solution?  When does the attention all about me and getting money from steps ever end?  Or do we ever get to have a retirement and enjoy what life is left ?  It's ok for him to complain to me about it, but if I say a word, it's a problem.  I'm stuck

ESMOD's picture

Is SD's boyfriend aware of your husband's diagnosis?  IS BM's or the boyfriend's family including others that may have similar travel limitations?

I see nothing wrong with SD's boyfriend hearing that.. "we are more than thrilled that you may be joining our family.. I'm not sure you realize that due to my health, travel is very difficult and we are also limited by not having anyone to care for our animals.  Have you considered having people come to this area to have the celebration?

BethAnne's picture

Be honest with the boyfriend lay out how sick your husband is and how his suggestion is not realistic given the situation. Suggest he propose near your home or with you and your husband on zoom if he really wants your presence there. 

This seems over the top for a proposal right??? It's not just me thinking that is it? Planning months in advance, requesting the presence of distant 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If the proposal requires all this, imagine what the engagement and wedding will be like. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture


Winterglow's picture

Now let's all imagine a scenario where he stages a Hollywood proposal and she turns him down...

Kaylee's picture

It seems way OTT!

Why does he/they want ALL THEIR FAMILIES there?? It's the proposal not the actual wedding!

Oh wait. It'll be for TikTok or Instagram purposes...

Rags's picture

Information is your friend in this. Call FSSIL and let him know the situation and see if it can be done in your area to minimize DH's travel strains and to minimize the number of transient human contacts he will have.  Also ask FSSIL to consider notifying everyone that masks are required due to DH's supressed immune system.

If anyone flips a bitch over having to mask, good riddance to them not attending.

IMHO of course.

Rags's picture

My Nieces DH proposed during their trip to Asia to see her parents.  My brother and his family lived in Asia for 12+ years.  His family was not present as they are in the US.  The proposal was a big deal.  At the top of a beautiful hotel at one of the premier restaurants in Asia.  

I get the proposal big deal thing. I also get the desirability of having both families there.  

DW and I ... eloped.  Easy, and low drama.  Though with my IL clan, drama is inevitable.  No one from DW's family showed up though we announced the elopement several weeks in advance.   Her aunt and uncle came.  Her mom, dad, and sibs did not.  Though the sibs were all minors so they could not have come on their own.

Love's Lake Tahoe Wedding Chapel, $500  The best investment I have ever made.

We did the huge deal vow renewal near DW's home town for our 20th.  By then, I figured the high budget celebration was a sure thing.

Turn back time's picture

 Everyone is aware of husband's health, so that doesn't seem to matter to any of them.  His health has been an issue since he was diagnosed.  I always tell people to wear a mask or not come in the house if they are sick, have been sick, or during cold, flu, covid, whatever season.  Nobody listens.  I'm sure what he has planned has been talked about as one of her dreams in the past.  Personally I hope they will wait to have the wedding after she completes college and gets a job.  She just went back to get another degree after getting a masters working a good paying job for 8 months.  Just telling husband I'm willing to drive down amd back in the same day is the only compromise I can come up.  Not ideal because that long of a drive and several hours for whatever he has planned will be difficult.  It's stressful and I dread the conversation to say the least!! 

notarelative's picture

This would require an overnight trip, staying in a hotel room and a 4 and 1/2 drive one way.  Husband has cancer and no immune system or any strength. 

No! No! No! Traveling for an internet engagement  posting should be off the table. Be brutally honest with boyfriend about DH's condition. If boyfriend wants DH there, it has to be by zoom.

Sometimes you have to speak up. I was diagnosed with a (what they tell me) treatable cancer in the fall. I told my adult kids that either one of them cooks or we go out to eat. We did/are doing restaurant Thanksgiving/Easter. One son's home Christmas. Both restaurant and home are within three miles. I am in treatment and not going to wear myself out cleaning and cooking. If a son suggested an overnight trip, my negative reaction would be loud and clear. 

I do realize that it is easier to say to bios than steps. But, I have done it with YSD. They were moving and wanted DH to help. I opened my big mouth and told her absolutely not - your dad's cardiologist would never approve of him lifting boxes for hours. (Add another reason they don't like me.)

MorningMia's picture

Perhaps you can tell your husband's doctor about this invite. Have a medical professional explain to him that he would be putting his health/life at risk. Let the doctor be the bad guy. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

This over the top generation. Bah hum bug!!  It seems that every life event is broadcast to the world with all the bells and whistles one can muster!  Engagements. Births. Weddings. Sweet 16's. Gender reveal parties for pregnant couples. The list goes on and on. Get over yourselves people.  I'm tired of all the public drama. 
I would simply say no but we'll be sure to see all the videos and photos. Ugh. 

Harry's picture

Have no common sense, it's not your problem.  SD wants her Disney wedding at everyone expense.  I would call boyfriend [knowing it will do no good.] asking him to move it closer to you. C TWO; If DH wants to kill him selves, that's up to him.  He must know in his condition,  a 4 1/2 hr drive each way with bathroom stops in rest areas is not the best for him.  Staying in a hotel with 100's of other  people.  Doing breakfast, lunch, dinner, with 100's of strangers. Is not the best thing in the world  for him.

SD actually doesn't care about her father I bet a check would be all she wants , along with her friends and family kissing her AS* would make her day. 

CLove's picture

Facetime? Zoom?

With technology - you dont actually have to be physically present to "be there". I like the medical opinion idea also.

BobbyDazzler's picture

Let your DH get upset with you. Try to remain calm throughout the rough conversation. I'd tell the SD's over-the-top fiance that your husband is your priority and you will "join in" remotely. No way would I partake in this ridiculousness, regardless of my DH's health. If the fiance's proposal has to be produced as some sort of 'show' what will the marriage look like. Especially when they hit a rough patch.  And, all marriages hit rough patches. I'm with Newimprvmodel.  All this generation knows anymore is "look at what I did every second of the day".  Crazy.

Harry's picture

DD doesn't not want her father at this party that's why it's 4 1/2 hours  away.   She is guilting her father .. she reall should throw this party half way around the world.  But other guest will be inconvenienced.  
SD and BF don't care about you and DH.  I would not go. You will be disrespected there if you go.  Sent a $25 pizza hut gift card  and let them ear bad pizza