Do not sacrifice the life you have since this man is clearly not ready to make you a priority. Children are a number one responsibility, they are NOT a number one priority. Spouses should be the top priority.

And since this 'child' is actually an adult, she is not anyone's responsibility. DO NOT MOVE!

Is the move right for any of you? Most importantly, you? That must be first thought. I think that is a very unfair comment from dh. About your marriage being threatened if you don't welcome SD and her kids. Dh has tossed similar lines my way. I would tell him that if you are forced to engage with such toxic people, then the marriage will definitely fail.

Is the move right for any of you? Most importantly, you? That must be first thought. I think that is a very unfair comment from dh. About your marriage being threatened if you don't welcome SD and her kids. Dh has tossed similar lines my way. I would tell him that if you are forced to engage with such toxic people, then the marriage will definitely fail.

If an adult child wants to visit---nothing will stop them. If they are looking for a reason not to visit---they will use any lame excuse.

My DH's children lived a 20 minute drive from us for several years after we married. The children that wanted to visit had no problem finding their way to the house. The children that had a bug up their behinds because I stopped allowing money to flow freely from their dad to them and I quit pretending to believe some of their outrageous lies as the truth did not show up for years.

WE moved 2 to 3 hours away from where they live about 5 years ago. They see him only when he makes the trip to their homes a few times each year. Before we made the move here, I had noticed that the visiting alone with them must have given his girls the perfect opportunity to voice their dissatisfaction about me. The more he went by himself to their family functions, the more he started coming home and voicing how unfairly I treated them.

I was designated as the " problem." I judged them too harshly, I didn't treat their own children as nice as my own, They were uncomfortable around me.

They still have not come around but I did overhear a phone conversation which sounds as if one of the daughters is planning to grace us with her appearance for the first time in years. Seems she needs a place to stay while she checks out a college for her son.
Should be interesting if she shows.

The most interesting part of all this is that I never confronted these girls about anything when their visits first stopped. I had heated discussions with DH about situations that he should take care of. Apparently he did. Probably falls under that category of running to the other side and badmouthing the one who is not present. I call it "musical chairs game" since the one without a chair is the one talked about.

Two statements bother me and set off some red flags for me:

1) "Anyway, DH said he "thinks the marriage may not work if I don't fix this"."

First thing that comes to my mind is emotional blackmail. Your DH may not realize this is what he's doing. But I do believe he's using this threat to get you to cave and allow SD to visit frequently or however often SD likes. I really liked your response to him, and you obviously saw right through this. But still, I don't think it's fair.

2) "I am really having second thoughts about making this major move, as will most likely have to give up a job I LOVE and friends and community I am attached to."

I always see a huge red flag when a DH or both the DH and SM agree to do something that ends up isolating the SM. You are right to have second thoughts. If I did this, I would worry about quitting my job that I love and distancing myself from my friends and community having a possible negative effect on my emotional well being. I know that I need to have my own activities and absolutely have my own job. It gives me a great deal of leverage in my relationship when my SO knows that I'm here because I want to build a life with him, not because I depend on him, financially or otherwise.

Maybe you can downsize and rent a small apartment for yourself, or for both you and DH, in the city, or townhouse, or something so that you can keep your job? And visit the beach house during the weekends? Just a thought, you may or may not want to be away from your DH that long. I know having one house will save a lot of money. I have the same dilemma. Sharing a home with SO cuts living expenses a lot, but at what cost, I always think? And I can afford to live on my own, but it would be a tiny house for certain.

Anyway, from your user name, I see you've invested 20 years into this family, and you have a lot of things to think about. I wish you all the best, this is tough, I can see.

20Year, This is not the first time your DH has made one of his 'divorce threatening' statements. My DH does the same thing - he pulls an unwarranted tantrum and threatens to leave on the average of once every 6 months. This has been going on for 20 years. After the last one, I decided that despite the fact that I may living on my own again, and finances may be a bit tighter, I owe it to myself not to allow it again. I am hoping I do not cave in.

You have to ask how you feel about yourself when he makes these threats and treats SD like she is his first priority?

I agree the distance could be beneficial to your marriage, that fear of the unknown is at play and all involved are posturing. Give yourself a time fame and options if things do not improve, possibly renting a place to test the waters before you commit to purchasing a new home, maybe taking a leave of absence from your job rather than resigning. Then if things don't work out you CAN spilt with DH and move back.

The DH in most instances is so filled with guilt that this is his ruling emotion. And usually their heads are the the sand about most things. They have the utter ability not to see reality, such as SS being an alcoholic or SD being into drugs.

The Dh will do nothing to protect you from his children out of guilt.

Best to have an escape plan.

20,

I'll bet SDs dh knows what's going on and that's exactly why he works so much.

I get that your dh wants to be a loving granddad and dad to SD and her kids but he has failed miserably in finding a way to make it work for ALL of you.

And as for the step grandma comment, shame on your dh and sd for saying such things and shame on your dh for saying it to you to be mean to you. Shame on him for not finding a way to make this situation work for all of you years ago. Shame on him for not calling his daughter out on her behavior. Shame on him for being so mean to you. Shame on him for throwing you under the bus so he won't be exposed as the donkey that he is.

Like Old Dart said to another poster, I take my vows very seriously but this could be a deal breaker for me. Actually, it would be.

(((HUGS))) to you.

Love your post no doormat!! I am so tired of my dh's response in all of this crap. Why do these men not step up to the plate and defend their wives from these nasty monsters that they have created? Yesterday I did not go to church with dh and he comes home and tells me about the merciful theme. Of course I know exactly what he is referring to, but I do not take the bait. So later he tells me that she is still acting as the victim. She wants a "full relationship" with her father and does not understand why I do not have the welcome mat out after 4 years of no contact. Other than her suing her father.
And I love this....dh adds that " you are no victim either." Really? What did I ever do to your POS daughters, other than to treat them like princesses? Dh wants me to just say, oh...give her another chance. Well, it is not happening!!!!

And I am certain that dh does not pull the religious card with his daughter! I told dh that I am comfortable wearing the bad guy hat. I was the bad guy dating him, engaged to him and of course our marriage precipitated a pearl harboresque attack by the pack. It was horrific. And now I will continue to wear the bad guy hat because I have come to the realization that some people who have plotted to cause us harm do not ever belong in our lives again. Case closed. He is free to do what he wants. As am I!

Exactly. I have learned that I need to show mercy to myself first. I need to accept people as they are. I can not change anyone. Dh has this problem. He still thins he can change others. I take people at face value. And above all, I respect myself first. I am choosy who I let in my inner sanctuary. His daughters don't qualify for any contact.