DH saw a therapist alone.
Well, I suggested WE see a therapist to help us communicate better w/ one another and with his DD, the 24 y.o. who's 3-4 mo. stay w/ us is now at 6 months. As you all know, I've been very uncomfortable w/ it - less w/ the initial issues of her not being considerate of my house, time, etc, and more w/ just not knowing when this little roommate, if ever, was planning on leaving.
I just asked him, "Did you get a chance to feel your daughter out about her time table?" He said, "No, and I'm waiting til Tuesday. I saw a therapist last week to help w/ all of this and we only got through the family history before running out of time. We'll meet again this week and she said to wait til after we meet to talk to her."
I was quite shocked. I mean, I was happy on the one hand, but a little peeved on the other. My intention was for BOTH of us to get help and hear out an impartial third party, not a one-sided deal. I feel a little betrayed, to be quite honest, but glad that DH is not opposed to a psychologist guiding us through all of this.
My fear is that he paints a wonderful little cozy picture and the Dr. can't understand what my problem is w/ continuing on in Fantasyland forever. I would like to give my point of view and, as I told him, there isn't anything specific, but I feel like after 6 months of footing EVERY bill for her, she should have enough saved up to move out on her own. He mentioned not knowing what she has saved up and I said that I think he needs to find out. Is that wrong? I mean, since we are paying for everything, I don't think it's unreasonable. If she was out on her own, then I'd imagine that her finances were her business. Until she can pay for her luxuries and get a taste of what food, toiletries, utilities, and gas cost, I think it's not out of line for him to inquire what she's trying to save and how close she is to it!
The conversation just ended w/ him saying, "I'm tired and I want to go to bed. She's just trying to save some money, for crying out loud. Why is that so wrong?" He didn't let me respond and I don't want to fight tonight as I have work to do. But, wouldn't you think that 6 months is about the time needed to save up enough for a place? Am I unrealistic? Remember, DH initially asked me for 3-4 months and one of my friends commented that I ought to prepare for more like 6. As you all know by now, the timeline was never discussed w/ his SD, we had the huge fight 5-6 weeks ago when I asked if she wanted my rental house, etc. Afterwards, she said that she hadn't expressed herself well and wanted to talk more in a few days...that has yet to happen.
Is there any advice here? Do you think DH seeing the therapist alone is wise? I need to hear if I'm wrong for wanting her to leave the nest from someone other than DH, don't you agree? Do you think it's important for the therapist to hear my point of view or not? Now that school is about out, I don't have the original issue of her being disruptive to the kids at bedtime til school resumes in Aug. But, I really don't want to go into the new school year and have her move out weeks or a couple of months into it as the child psych. suggested we be VERY settled to see if our oldest son's focus issues correct themselves.
Dana
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She's 24 and employed.
The only thing crazy about your situation is that you guys haven't given her the boot yet. If you're paying for EVERYTHING and she's paying for NOTHING and STILL can't move out, then that means she's not really saving. Otherwise, she'd have been out by now. Six months of no bills is long enough, if you're putting even half your money away, to save up for the deposits on an apt.
I stayed with my parents as an adult exactly twice. I went home when my ex-husband left me, because I was 5 months pregnant. I stayed until I had the baby, then I bought a house. I went back again when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer to help out, because my stepdad's health wasn't great, either, and they needed me. Both times the only thing I got for "free" was not having to pay rent/mortgage. I paid 1/3 of the utilities and the groceries, as well as all my own bills, like car payment, insurance, etc. Plus, I did ALL of the housework. The only thing I didn't do was cook, because my stepdad is a good cook and he likes to cook and we traded off... he cooked if I did the grocery shopping.
As for the therapist, he's probably too embarrassed to have you in the room when an unbiased third party tells him he's wrong. And believe me, he's so wrong! I don't care how old she is, she's living under YOUR roof and YOU are paying HER way... you have EVERY right to know every detail of her finances and if she doesn't want to share those details, then she can move the hell out.
Six months is long enough under these circumstances. Now, life is rough and things happen that we don't plan, like getting seriously injured in a car accident, having your spouse leave you, getting laid off from your job. These things happen and yes, parents should help out their kids, even adult kids, if they can because that's what families do. But for an able-bodied, employed adult child to be living at home and contributing nothing? No, that's not okay. She's a mooch and she will NEVER move out unless or until you guys MAKE her move out.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Thank you, Anne. I posted
Thank you, Anne. I posted the whole drama (it's here, too) at another forum and was chastised for wanting her out - a couple of biomoms and stepkids posted and I felt like an idiot, not to mention the wicked stepmom.
DH tiptoes around everything. The girl is loud and gets louder if she thinks I'm not w/in hearing distance. I think he's afraid of her - now DH is NO wimp, but when it comes to his adult kids, he is the biggest wimp! If you want more of the story, read my other posts, but basically, I cook, I clean, I work 3 long days/week, I have 3 little boys ages 3-7 and I was told this was TEMPORARY! DH knows I'd have never allowed her to move in indefinitely, but his passive-aggressive crap took over once again.
I'm not assertive. I can gripe to anyone who'll listen, but I don't say anything to her. I tried to be laid back, not interfere when she and her siblings were younger - wanted to be liked, etc. But, they've been the types who weren't really grateful - just took advantage.
I hope you're right about the therapist. I'm so afraid he'll say, "My DD's a huge help. She babysat for us so we could golf, she vacuumed on Sat. while we were at baseball w/ the boys, she cooks for us sometimes. It's just great but my wife resents her. I don't understand this...."
The truth: 1) She babysat one day for the two older boys (took the 3 y.o. to my moms). Two weeks ago, she stayed w/ the younger two for 45 min. while DH was returning from a party w/ the oldest and I had to leave early for confirmation of my CCD class. When I got back and was still dressed up, I told DH we should go to dinner when I heard, "I'M LEAVING HERE IN 45 MIN TO GO OUT SO IF YOU'RE GOING OUT MAKE IT QUICK!" I went and changed and started cooking dinner.
2) She cooked one time each of the first two weeks she lived w/ us.
3) She did vacuum Sat. It's the second time she's done anything, but at least she is now finishing her laundry as she'd forget about it in the past and wonder how it all got was finished and folded at her door...
And, if you read my "Birthdays" post - if I posted here, that was all about her promising to take my oldest (turned 7 in April) to Toys 'R Us prior to his b-day, didn't do it, then when the baby turned 3 two weeks ago, she told him the same story while the 7 y.o. looked on in amazement...
GRRR! I hope this therapist is normal and gives him some good advice. I'm stunned she's proceeding w/o hearing my side of it all.
Dana
Therapy is good
I think it is great that DH decided to seek couseling. I find it a little strange that he didn't discuss it with you prior to his first appointment though. Regardless of how he went about it, it is good for him to go. But you should be going as well... at a separate time than him. Remember that the therapist is not a mediator, but merely someone to help you deal with the situation. If you each go individually, then therapist can hear each side without the two of you arguing. DH may have things he would like to work on within himself as well that he may be embarrased to tell you about. My DH had his first session two weeks ago to try and resolve some issues from his past that I know little about. But I know that those issues were causing turmoil and discord in our home. So, maybe it will help. But he came home and told me that therapist would like me to come also, solo for now. Then we will integrate into both of us at once. So, ask him if it would be possible for you to go also so the therapist can possibly help shed some light on you as well.
As for the 24yr old living at home.... I would be feeling the same way as you unless she was doing her part, paying her share and helping out with the household chors and everything. If she is working, then she should be able to pay rent, right? The rest of do. If she isn't earning enough at 24 to pay her own rent, then she needs to get a new job. Don't feel bad for wanting her out. She has found a comfortable place to free load!!!
Thank you.
Yes, I think therapy is good, but do think I need to be seen and heard at some point!
The stepkids, sadly, have a huge sense of entitlement and always have. I'm sure they don't see themselves as moochers, just finally staying at Daddy's new beach house after the horrible years of his other places. He never lets them know of any of our money woes which, I guess, is somewhat understandable. But, when he decided he wanted a few things from the store yesterday and she hands him her list (complete w/ feminine products!), I had to leave the room or scream!
Dana