Decision
I really don't know where to start but here goes...
I'm 39 yo and have been with my SO for 6 yrs. He has 2 adult children from a previous relationship. They were teenagers when I first met him but are now adults (SD 23 / SS 20). BM left him 6 yrs before I met him as she wanted to chase the party lifestyle. Her life has just been one mistake after the next since leaving - drugs, booze, men, lost jobs, lost driving license, court appearances, several house moves and the list could go on. BM hasn't been a stable influence in her kids lives since they were young kids and more controllable. She hasnt been able to handle them together very well. She once told SD that it is better if her and her brother visit her seperately so she can focus on one at a time as SD takes up all of her attention. WTF! She has kicked them both out of her home several times to which my SO picked up the pieces. Before I met him they shared custody but he would take them grocery shopping sometimes before dropping them off to ensure they had food to eat while at BM's. Anyway, I could go on and on about how useless and sad she is but I think I've painted a fairly clear picture.
As for me, I lived a single / carefree life for many years before I met my SO. I moved into his marital home after a couple of years of dating. Things have been up and down over the years (like with anything I suppose). SS (20yo) is lazy, stinky, introverted and socially awkward. He has recently acquired his first full time job which is fantastic for him and us. He's generally a good hearted kid, a bit spoilt from my SO but a lot of over compensating for the marriage breakdown has been done over the years. He's usually good with me but has the occasional dig now and again. SD (23 yo) is the complete opposite. Highly strung, hates to be on her own, loud, obnoxious, ill mannered and cut throat. She likes to play games to assert herself in the house and remind me that it is not my house therefore I have no authority. Typical 'daughter/wife' situation. I understand but I'm not going to be controlled by a 23 yo. She can be very malicious and often says/does things to deliberately antagonise me. I try to be understanding as much as I can. I don't always respond or let her know she's even affecting my inner peace but it does. I've started spending alot of time in my bedroom and walk away when she is talking to her dad most of the time as she always has a dig at me. I do love my partner and we have a great time together but I've started to hate being in the house. I don't enjoy coming home to it like you normally would and I don't feel like it's a sanctuary which your home should be. I am missing my own little house so much these days (currently tenanted). I've lost interest in cooking for anyone but my partner because all I get is insults from SD & SS or told that my food caused them to feel ill. I've never had complaints about my cooking before and my partner and I dont seem to get sick from it?? I've started to become withdrawn lately and stay in my bedroom alot when she's home. I know this sends a message of defeat but I'm just exhausted from it all. I can't be bothered putting up with it anymore. Is it wrong of me to want to move out and let him continue raising his adult children and then we can buy our own place down the line (it is the plan anyway). Has anyone else out there lived apart successfully? My parents want me to go and live with them again until I can sort something else out. They have been my sounding board over the years so they know exactly what I've had to endure. I nearly left the other night while my SO was at work but chickened out. My girlfriends advised to talk to SO about it but I've tried before and he gets upset. I just want to be happy and not be subjected to highschool type bullying anymore. Help?
How long before the lease at
How long before the lease at your place is up so that you can move back in? I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with living separately. You're not married; you can continue to date and see each other regularly while living in different homes. I would never want to remain in a home where I did not feel comfortable and had to hide out in my bedroom. Perhaps you want to explain to your SO that you can't help how you feel about the situation, and those feelings will eventually lead to major resentment that could doom your relationship. Living apart until the kids launch will be better for your relationship and for your mental health. Added bonus: Daddy might have some incentive to encourage an earlier launch by the two kidults.
Your parents' house would be good in the interim, but it would be ideal to have your own place where you and your SO could hang out so that you'd never have to set foot into the marital home unless you wanted to.
The lease is up in about 9
The lease is up in about 9 months
you're absolutely right though. I'll pick the right moment and talk to him. I've tried before and have even packed my car and left twice but came back both times. It's such a hard thing to do. I try to be strong but something always pulls me back. I have been getting resentful over the last few years and I have those days of shutting down and trying to bring myself out of the dark mood. I used to rise above and snap out of it fairly quickly but now I'm finding it happen more frequently and harder to snap out of. I've had a few yelling matches with both kids and I hate it. It makes me feel bad as I'm not normally a yelling type. I will talk to him about it soon and hopefully he will be onboard with us trying to live separately. Im afraid our relationship will sink otherwise.
Yes, live apart. You will
Yes, live apart. You will LOVE it!
I dated my husband a little off, but mostly on for 10 years and we always lived apart. When we met, I had my own house and job about 45 minutes from his house and job. We worked opposite schedules, so living together would have been hell. The distance was perfect. When we argued, we had somewhere to retreat. During the week, I'd miss him and really look forward to our weekends together. But when weekdays came, I was down to business with my job that sometimes required intense hours with little notice, so I was glad to have the house to myself.
Three years after we married, we were still living apart because of our jobs and houses. But now that we've lived together for years, I miss my single days. There's just something really comfortable about having space to yourself. The mess is yours, the paintings are yours, the photos sitting around are only your friends (not your SD...sigh) if you put something somewhere, it's still there when you go back to it. There are no man hairs stuck in the soap. And if you feel like doing something really disgusting or self indulgent, there's no one there to make you feel self conscious about it. And is there nothing better than sleeping alone with your dogs?
Wow...I so digress...but I think you get the idea.
And I'll tell you when I REALLY missed my house. Right after we married for the first five years or so, my SD brought me close to walking out several times. She was a constant headache, and she didn't even live with him! It was fantastic being able to go to my own house when we fought about her or when she showed up and I didn't want to deal with her microaggression. The first fight after I sold my house and moved in with him was the worst feeling in the world. I knew I was stuck and I really was...stuck taking whatever he and SD dished out.
Get your own place. Get your identity and confidence back, not to mention peace and quiet. If your relationship is worth it, it will last. But being apart from him might make you realize you don't miss all the BS a relationship with him brings on you.
Thank you so much! It all
Thank you so much! It all makes sense and I really do long for living in my own space again. I try to get away from her in this house and she knows it. Sometimes she follows me or speaks even louder when I'm tryibg to get away. She's sad and pathetic really. I don't think I'll ever have a good relationship with her and I'm fine with that. The only way to keep the peace with this girl is to not say the word 'no' to her lol. Even my SO told me that at the beginning. He said it jokingly but I don't think it's funny - she hasn't been brought up to respect anyone or anything. She brags about the horrible things she does to her BF's parents when she is at their house. They don't like her at all and I dont blame them but their son is just as malicious and disrespectful. I don't understand people that can be so cruel and get a kick out of hurting others. She must be very bitter inside. The more I think of my future in this scenario, the more I feel sick. I'm definitely at the end of my threshold with it all and it won't take much for me to walk away all together. It's just sad as my partner and I do have alot of fun but I've even been thinking about just ending the relationship completely so I can live a peaceful life without SD in it at all. I have some serious thinking to do but I've gained so much from your advice and everyone else who has responded. I really appreciate it and wish I had of joined this website years ago
I gave up my Queendom...
For my husband and also moved into his former marital home. Not the smartest thing that I had ever done...
We dated for 6 years before we decided to cohabit, once my youngest son reached adulthood and found his way. His two were still at home EOW ( and whenever their mother decided to send them over, really. She really ramped it up at first to try to limit our alone time, I believe). We didn't want to mix our children and complicate matters further.
I had no idea that once I crossed the threshold with my belongings that they would, in essence, cease to be mine exclusively and be viewed as a community resource by my husband's children and were used freely despite my repeated protests.
Apparently, if it's in Dad's house, whatever it is, it belongs to Dad and because they are his little sex trophies from the ex wife, that by default, whatever it is also belongs to them to use freely, destroy at will, give away on whim or take to their mother's house, never to be seen or heard from again. Silly me, thinking that the concept of owning personal possessions would somehow apply to me in this new situation as well...
They literally picked me clean. Sneaky and under the radar. One item here, another there. I would mention it to my husband and he would immediately rush to their defense : ' They didn't know', 'It's ONLY (insert whatever item they took)", "She didn't take it", ECT, ECT, ECT..
You get the drift .They would steal, I would freak. Tell my husband. He would defend, We would fight. The steps were happy and would get even bolder. Rinse and repeat.
Mostly the stepdaughter but less often the stepson as well. She was trying to get rid of me because she felt that her father chose me over her (she screamed this into my face last summer and if her father wasn't standing right there, I would have punched her in the face since she was over 18...)
I didn't leave but I did completely disengage from them and took over the spare bedroom to lock everything up that I held near and dear...
No more anything for them at my benefit. They were so insulted that I put a lock on the door "because I didn't TRUST them" and that I lock everything up, even the food and shampoo ( not ALL the food, only my goodies and not ALL the shampoo, only mine from the salon). They told that to their mother who in turn called my husband and tried to convince him that I was wrong and that they should be able to use whatever is in the house regardless of where it came from because that's how she raised them.
I had no desire to be their resource when they couldn't even muster a simple hello for me unless prompted by their father.
They used Suave shampoo and ate chips from the dollar store that their father bought for them until they left for college. On breaks from college they choose to stay at their mother's house, thank goodness.
I wish that I never sold my little premarital cottage.
Make it very uncomfortable for your steps, OP, and maybe they'll get the hint... Or worse case scenario, return to your Queendom.
Oh wow, what an ordeal yoi
Oh wow, what an ordeal you have been through. I feel very protective of my belongings too. I have even put some things back in storage and hide other things as best I can. I get the same 'It's my dads house so I'll do whatever I want' attitude. I brought alot of good quality kitchenware into the house and told them it needs to be looked after as it will last longer. Big mistake telling them that. It was like an opening to destroy them. I even think my SD has put dents into the two cars I've had since living here. I came into the relationship giving it my all. I cooked, did dishes, cleaned the house thinking I was handling the work/life balance. My partner and the kids would all dissapear after dinner and I would stay in the kitchen and clean up everything - how stupid was I?! I started getting tired and asking for help which was like getting blood out of a stone at first. I then said okay well because no one likes doing dishes, I will happily do them but I'll no longer cook any dinners. Well, you can imagine how that went down
I did still cook some dinners but made sure they pulled their weight. I told my partner that if he wasn't willing to enforce them helping then he would have to pick up their slack and do it. I think the best tool parents have these days is the wifi password. We would change it and not give it to them until what we wanted done was done. I don't ask the SD to do anything now, I refuse to deal with her as it's never smooth. SS will do chores when asked or threatened with losing the wifi. I have stepped back alot which is frustrating to them but I'm passed caring. I do what I want and let them get on with it. I'm so glad I never sold my house as I thought about it a couple of times and my SO has pushed for it but I was told by several people who are close to me to never sell it. I'm so glad I listened. Thanks for your advice 
Yeah, I'm with the others.
Yeah, I'm with the others. Let SO know that you will be moving back into your own place in 9 months and would like to continue to date, but not cohabitate until his kids have moved out. That living with 2 other adults that you aren't in a relationship with is just too stressful for you.
Kids today don't move out, their parents make it too comfortable for them - why would they? Be thankful you never sold your own place.
Thanks and yes, I'll do just
Thanks and yes, I'll do just that. I don't think he has much of a choice. If I stay our relationship will reach a point of no return and I will just go and never return. I see the moving out idea as saving the relationship as well as saving my inner peace. It isn't good for me being miserable and it isn't good on any of them. Thanks for your advice
It would seem the advice is
It would seem the advice is unanimous and I will add to that.
Keep your own space and keep your own sanity.
These people sound horrible and you shouldn't be a prisoner in your own room. Get out of there!
I stand on a philosophy of
I stand on a philosophy of equity life partnership and that the partners and their marriage trump all else including children.
Minor children are the top relationship responsibility but do not ever trump the adult relationship at the core of the marriage/partnership. Adult children don’t rate at all if they are toxic.
That said, why enter into or continue a lifetime relationship with someone who is such a shitty parent that their children and home are intolerably toxic?
If he isn’t worth living with, why waste your heart and time on him and his toxic gene pool?
When did failure to launch
When did failure to launch become the norm?
Curious why these kids are
Curious why these kids are still living at home?
I hope the talk with your SO and decision to move wakes him up!
Never move to somebody else’s turf
Especially when there is a failure of grown kids to launch. Cut your losses and leave. See who he “misses” more. You will have the answer about your future.
My biggest problem with this
My biggest problem with this is your BF does absolutely nothing to address his kid's rude behavior toward you. By all means, move out. But he's still an asshole no matter where you live.
Be thankful you have a place
Be thankful you have a place you can go and you don't have to stay in this. I moved into the marital home 14 years ago, SD's were young and I can tell you after all these years later I never really felt like it was my home until the SD's stopped coming for their weekly visitation at the age of 18 and 21. I always felt like the outsider. It's a tough predicament to me in.
Hindsight is 20/20 and I would never do it again.
I agree with everyone else, move out, keep dating and let him know once his adult children decide to fly the coop to let you know.
Been There and kicker her out
I was living this hell for a while too. the SD31 was constantly treating me like crap for years, in my house. I came home from work one day and she was there talk to her Dad, and I asked how things were going and she basically starting berating me and calling me names. She had been god knows where for days. I had finally had enough, I told her to get her stuff and get the hell out of my house. DH agreed with me that she needed to go. After a few years she claimed that she had grown and wanted me in her life, well as it turns out I was basically only kept around so that she could get what she wanted from me. Sometimes the hard line is what is needed. Tough love they call it. If it is at that point then you need to make a decision for yourself and your own well being. I fought for my relationship and I am glad I did, but the boudaries had to be drawn. We are still together after 23 years, but honesty has to come into play here. Best of luck to you
Thank you all so much. I've
Thank you all so much. I've received some excellent advice. I'll let you know what happens x