When I first met my stepson he was 16.  He'd had a difficult childhood and was dabbling in all sorts of things, everything from snorting Adderall to smoking pot to drinking.  I was new to being a mom and tried everything I could think of to help.  And sometimes I'd get a gut full and blow my stack.  He used to get so pissed because I'd check his room periodically for drugs, and I'd tell him...well, if I quit finding cut straws and empty bottles I'd stop looking.  Give me a reason to trust you.  His mom moved to another town and was never around, though he did spend weekends there.  So, I did all of the typical mom stuff like shopping for clothes and school supplies, as an example.  Basically, I did all of the work, but never really got a lot of credit for it.  My husband appreciated it, but not so much my stepson.  There's so much I could tell you, but I'm trying to condense this...

Now that my stepson is 24, we've been through several years of some really rough times.  Getting him to work is hard, but when he finally gets a job he sticks with it for quite a while.  He drinks heavily.  He's abusing prescription drugs.  He went to a psychiatrist and got amphetamine salts and Ativan.  Over the last couple of months, he went to another state for job training and seemed to finally be on the right path, but he drank and popped pills while he was there and failed the final exam by less than 5%.  I didn't find that out until much later, but that's what happened.  He told us the course was too hard and he just simply didn't pass the exam.  He asked if he could come home and we said yes, come home and we'll talk about it as a family....we'll help you sort through it.  I knew in my heart something was amiss but wasn't sure what, so I kept silent.  

At that point, I could see how heavily he was drinking.  I drink wine in the evening, but I'm talking about drinking straight from the largest size of vodka bottle you can buy.  We're not talking about wine after dinner or a few beers while watching football.  We tried talking with him about that, but he feels we're hypocrites since we have beer and wine in the house.  That's the running excuse, I guess.  

Fast forward, he's been back home for a month and a half.  While he has applied and interviewed a bit, he's not really making a solid effort.  And now that he's out of money he can't buy booze and he's taking more of the Ativan.  His room is a disaster.  He looks like a mess.  It's a nightmare.  Last night he came upstairs to our office and when I turned around to talk to him I literally gasped.  He looked terrible and he was very obviously high on Ativan.  I stood up and gave him a good lecture....his dad also talked to him privately.  He's saying he's in such a state because he's depressed and he doesn't feel welcome here, and this, and that...we have given him every ounce of love and support that you can give a person, but somehow it's us, not him.  We're the problem.

He's not willing to get help.  His poor dad is stressed out beyond belief and doesn't know what to do.  I don't either at this point.  I've tried everything.  If he says he's in pain and I say take a Tylenol, he says no.  If he can't sleep and I say try the melatonin gummies, he says no.  If he says he's depressed I say try an antidepressant and he says no.  If I suggest college, he says he doesn't want to wrack up student loan debt.  If he drinks too much and I ask him to tone it down, I'm a hypocrite.  If I call him out for doing drugs I'm a snoop and invading his privacy.  Pretty much any approach I take I'm either a hypocrite, nosy, or a bitch for bringing it up.  

I'm starting to feel like the only way for me to get through this is to just keep my mouth shut and focus on my own stuff and when his dad has had enough of it, he'll do something.  There's a lot more I could add to this, but these are the basics.  What would you do?  What not to do?  Anyone here been through this?  I feel like he wants to be miserable and I feel like he wants me to just let him have his vodka and his pills and leave him alone.