DH has been doing an awesome job recently of changing his enabling ways. As a result SD17 (nearly 18) has made some steady, hard fought but positive improvements on her path to independence.

Underneath I suspect she is seething with anger but on the surface she goes along with driving lessons, doing tasks in the house (recently reinforced because she wasn't doing them), catching public transport and doing one shift a week part time work whilst studying. She has also started seeking out a little bit of a social life which was a big issue before - just sat around the house all holidays.

2 months back DH was encouraging her to pursue lining up plans to travel with friends. She said casually "Oh instead of that Mum and I are going to Thailand in the holidays." We said, "That's great, just let us know when."

Last weekend DH talked about his very ill father and mother and we said we will make a priority of letting them know we will visit again around Christmas this year. SD17 said "Oh yeah, I can't, Mum and I are travelling from the 20th to 29th December."

DH works hard and is very generous to all his family. The one thing he loves is Christmas and other family gatherings. I know and I believe BM and SD know how important that is to him. As a side issue my 5 year old son also thinks his teenage step is great so he will be disappointed as well. We will probably organise to see her grandparents 2 weeks prior to Christmas so they can see her. That takes some of the fun out of it for them too.

So your advice please.

Do I mention it to him?
Do I ask him how he feels about it?
Should I share that I am disappointed on his behalf?

When SD17 has pulled these stunts in the past, she has been successful in getting things she wants. She elevates herself by creating drama. The cycle is, punish daddy, receive money and attention. I would hate to see him do this again in this circumstance. I really want him to respect himself and our family and just acknowledge that this is a hurtful and at best thoughtless thing to do.