Big improvement
So this morning just as H and I sitting down to breakfast his daughter calls. The same one he speaks to at least once a day. Now usually he puts her on speaker and they blather on about including about me or my kids lives. I have not seen or spoken with her in over a year.
I could not believe when she said "are you with Mary? Oh ok, we can talk another time. I don't want to interrupt."
H and I carry on with our coffee and breakfast and ain't life grand? Fantastic. Maybe she also hates knowing that I am listening in to her conversation. It works for both of us. But I have to wonder why now? I certainly don't think her father said anything to her. He worships the ground she walks on and is so afraid of her cutting him off like she had done for years.
He never got his balls back
He never got his balls back from his spawn from the previous castration sessions at her hands.
Meh.
How do you tolerate this crap from your mate? More importantly, why do you tolerate it?
He really needs to man up, grow the testicular fortitude to actually be a man and a father rathe then her beck and call boy.
Some spawn are beyond salvage and the parents of those kids have to write them off until they finish growing up on their own time and their own dime. Sniffing their butts is not the solution. Daddy needs this clarity.
Good luck with that.
Don't forget to take care of you.
She wants to discuss something
She doesn't want you to know about. This in a mini wife situation. You must do something about this. Doesn't this kid have a life, shoulding her BF be taking care of her?
She married her father.
He is mild mannered. Honestly I don't care what they talk about as long as it's not on my time. He literally has to tell her EVERYTHING. I've witnessed it and it's pathetic. I still think that a line in the sand has been crossed between her and I and she will not see her father even on neutral family ground. I was very snarky one weekend morning in the background and she heard it. Good.
Shaking my head....
Why is this a "thing"? I struggle with it as I am private. My way is to move in silence and let my accomplishments speak for themselves.
This just came up the other day...YSD told DH that her mom's marriage is on the skids. Why would she tell her dad that? They have been divorced for almost 20 years. Does she consider how her mother may feel about that? I told DH that I understand we can not control what YSD choses to share, but we can control the information we give her. My gentle way of communicating that OUR life is PRIVATE! I am happy to talk about current events, my cats, books, music, activities happening in our community, etc. Nothing personal! Period.
Neither gentle nor subtle are my strong suit.
I would go with "Do not tell your DD anything about our lives. It is none of her business and I do not appreciate you violating our privacy." Direct, clear, with a reduced risk that he will misinterpret your message.
As for BM getting another divorce... not a surprise I am sure. Daddy should highlight that to his failed family issue and make sure to leverage it as a learning/parenting moment.
I would.
It’s tough….
I would love for that to be said! And adhered to! However, I do understand that they are close so he is bound to tell her basic life "stuff", which involves me. I don't mind him telling her we went to dinner "at the new XYZ and it was delicious" or that we went for a bike ride, it's the personal things like where/when we go for vacation, the renovations we are doing in the house, big purchases, etc. To me, finances are private. ALL of my personal business would be private if it were up to me, but it's tough when we are one. (I am SO PRIVATE that when I announced at work that I was married, my colleagues were stunned...they did even not know I had a SO!)
As far as the divorce, I am not surprised; BM appears to be in a transactional marriage...she quit her job and gets an allowance. She has a long history of not wanting to work/quitting/not working. After her first divorce, she burned through her settlement quickly, filed for bankruptcy, moved across the country (in embarrassment?), and left her kids. She does not like to be without a man. Responsibility is not her strong suit. (DH has noticed many parallels between her and OSD.) The probability of another divorce is private and not something YSD should be sharing! Especially with her dad! Some do not have the EQ to know/understand this. I was wondering how you impart this knowledge of someone? A stern statement like you wrote...you are right!
"Whatcha doin?" is perfect
"Whatcha doin?" is perfect discussion fodder with extended family. Deep personal and relationship discussions is not appropriate for discussion with a child of a failed marriege regarding what the parent is living with their new mate.
IMHO of course.
Dinner, a movie, a vacation, etc... fine. But, deeply personal things, etc... is none of the kid's business and the prior breeder in the blended marriage has no business discussing those things with a non joint kid.
Yes!
I resonding "yes" to all of that!!!
Are all BMs the same?
Your BM sounds like my BM. That sounds a bit wrong HAHA but you know what I mean? Could they be sisters? LOL when BM divorced DH, she bought a house with the money that she had (good), then she got pregnant with the dude that she cheated with (bad). And apparently he got violent towards her and threatened to burn her house down (bad). So in all her stupid non-existent logic, she got scared, moved away from that house, moved back with her even crazier mother, and then eventually sold that house (really bad, and WTF? WHY?). So that was fella no. 2. She has 2 daughters with him (bad, and CRAZY much? Why would you get pregnant the 2nd time after finding out he's violent???) and these kids are special needs-kids. She is now onto fella no. 3, who has 3 kids of his own, and he also assaulted DH during a Christmas pick up a few years back (how does BM keep finding violent men?). Since her 2 kids were identified and categorised as special needs-kids, she hasn't had a proper job, and even though they are now in school, she doesn't bother finding a job. She probably figures that she'll get more income support from the government for being a 'single mother' to special needs-kids, and more income support as well from the 2 guys that she had children with. I suspect she is also living rent free with fella no. 3, but this puts her in a very vulnerable position as a woman. A woman with 4 kids + without a job + without a house + relying on a man who can walk away from her anytime = this man being able to treat her very shit-ly and she'd have no choice but to stay with him. She's trapped, by her own stupidity. I don't know what she did with the money that she had originally, and the money that she's got from the sale of her house, but she always cries poor to DH, never has money apparently, but she appears to be able to afford getting her nails done every 2 weeks (they always look immaculate at any given time).
I wouldn't be surprised if any of my SDs (or both) will end up like BM. She is the definition of a user, and as much as I hope for my SDs to have a better life, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if they end up exactly like her... They already act that way with their father, and always constantly trying to use people whenever and wherever they can.
I'm the same with you, I don't like my finances and personal life left out in the open, so I always have to be very careful and be specific with DH about what he says/shares. The problem is DH loves to talk (with anyone, especially his dad) and since retirement, his dad has become like one of those ladies who lunches, who just won't shut up about everyone else's business and just wants to gossip from the crack of dawn to the end of the day. Nothing is secret with him, so I have to spell it out to DH if I don't want him talking about something in particular. It can be exhausting, but it is more important to mention this in specific rather than him blabbing and then it is all too late.
I would be specific if I were you; say to DH, can you please not mention about XYZ to such and such? And just be frank. You are married to him, you are a unit, and no one else needs to know your business, unless you want to share it.
Yes…
...they appear to be twinning. I hear nonsense like that, shake my head, and think 'you can't cure stupid'! Sorry, but really? Sadly some do NOT learn from their poor choices and never self-correct.
It is tough, always worrying what will be shared. I have figured my DH out; I give a gentle reminder, he mulls it over, and a couple of days later he is usually on board. This works for us. What is hard for me is figuring out WHY he wants to share? I don't think he ever really gave privacy a thought before, after all they are his family. Key word is HIS family, I might feel differently if they treated me with warmth, but I doubt it.
HMM...
Does your DH have friends that he can share with, instead of his family? My DH doesn't have many friends, his ex seemed to have been successful in culling out all of his friends, so now he's a little lonely. My DH is very very close with his father, he is probably the closest family member he has, and he gets on generally well with him. I don't mind him sharing other things with his father, but like I said since his father retired, he seems to have been gossiping a lot and really getting into everyone's business. The thing is, I don't mind if he shares with his father but if his father can keep it to himself, but he is really not to be trusted. News travel really fast with him, doesn't matter whether the news is about DH going down with gastro, or if it is about him having arguments with his kids, it just travels wide and far especially to all other family members. Quite frankly I don't see the point of it, what good is it to us (or to my FIL) about our life being shared? They are not helping us patch up our relationship with DH's kids, neither are they feeling sorry or empathetic towards us. They just judge us and expect us to fix it and his sister would say things like, 'my kids are everything to me, it would break my heart if that happens to me.' To me that statement is just truly judgemental and serves no purpose other than being judgemental. It doesn't reflect empathy either, because empathy would sound something like, 'I'm truly sorry to hear that, if you need to talk to me, I'm here and please reach out.' So yeah, I've had enough of DH sharing anything with his family, nothing good ever comes out of it.
As for you, I'm sorry to hear that DH's family isn't treating you with warmth, that would be even harder to deal with given how he loves to share. I would feel the same as you, guarded and anxious. I would quite honestly just be frank with him, but that can be easy for me to say as I'm a pretty confrontational person especially with my DH. I don't keep my feelings and thoughts to myself when it comes to DH and I figure that men usually need spelling out rather than expecting them to read our minds. It's good that he seems to get on board with you, even if it takes time. Giving him the time to mull it over perhaps gives him the sense that he is in control of his own decisions (of not sharing) so it is good if it is working. As to WHY, I think that he just doesn't think much of it, he doesn't think that sharing will bring disadvantages to himself, or to you, and therefore he doesn't put much thought into what he says/shares with other people. Maybe to him, sharing his financials is a little like him sharing what he had for lunch, and so it doesn't matter. Perhaps if you could give him a rational explanation as to why it could be disadvantageous to share, then maybe he'll think twice about sharing next time... That's only my opinion though.
Sharing....
Your FIL's sharing would be difficult for me to accept. Like with my YSD, you can not control what comes out of his mouth nor can you control what your husband tells him. If he kept it private, it would be different. I wonder if, since he's retired, maybe it makes him feel important to be 'in the know'.
As for my DH, he thinks nothing of sharing with his family but not so much with friends. As for his family, I truly I don't think I would even like his sharing is they were warm and fuzzy. It helps a bit that I understand that there is no malice involved, it is just conversation. A recent example, I was very unhappy when he told them how much my home sold for, which I recently sold without a realtor. I talked it over with my therapist and she said it was good for his family to know how much I brought to the table; that took some of the sting out, but I was still bothered. He has slowly learned to think before he shares, I know this has been foreign to him. It is tough to navigate when we are on opposite ends of the 'sharing' spectrum. However, if one feels violated the other must adapt in my opinion.
I enjoy my privacy
And husband is a sharer.
Its a tough ground.
Tough.
I feel you! I am so curious, what does your husband share and to whom? (Please forgive me if I am out of line. I am a genuinely curious person and I love the study of what makes humans tick!) My DH tells all to his family. This may be because he was single for almost 20 years. He had dedicated his time to his girls and family. (I understand how his family may be disgruntled that they aren't top priority anymore, but that is how marriage should be. Spouse first.)
Do you have any tips for effective compromising when one is private and the other a sharer?
She's just making herself look good for daddyyyyyyyy
Yep, those little DaughterWives will be sweet as pie to daddy and in front of daddyyyy yet ignore you and make passive aggressive comments that daddyyyy doesn't pick up on. The little crumb she threw out the other morning was to make herself look like an angel in daddyyyy's loving eyes.
He is soooo out of line telling her, or anyone, details of your relationship! Please find him a man/male therapist or a mature woman therapist to spill his guts to if he MUST 'tell all.' Ugh, I was so sick of that, yuck yuck!
Oh, dear Lord, the passive
Oh, dear Lord, the passive aggressive comments and behavior and then the "widdle angel" behavior for Daddy as a grown-azz adult! I know all of this BS too well. Sickening.
No problem if they’re family
The problem for me is his daughter wants NOTHING to do with me or my kids. For years. And husband always tells me when I complain about his loose lips "oh it's just Mary." And I say Mary maybe your family but she's nothing to me. HER choice. So she doesn't get the right to my information.
And again 630 this morning the texts starting. Like what the hell?? We are both in bed. She knows her father is off this week and she rejected him by going to her in laws for 4th. But what do you call this game? you got nothing but texts for the past year. And you eat it up like a lapdog. Every holiday she rejects seeing him. And he won't shut his phone off because psychologically he's enmeshed with her. Like he was with her mother who truly was emotionally abusive to him for him. And he chased her. Now it's the daughters he chases.
Yes!
I get you...100% They are his family. Agreed, I am very discerning about who I let in my inner circle.
OSD used to do the same, text early on Saturday/Sunday! Nope!
If he worships and chases
If he worships and chases his X and their failed family issue, what makes him a quality mate for you?