Am I being too sensitive?!
Hey everyone!
So its not a big deal but something that just seems completely rude to me and not DH...
Background: There is DH (55), myself (30), DS (8) and SD (26) - SD lives about 5/10 minutes away. I live with DH and DS.
Whenever SD and her BF come to our house they are inside for generally a few minutes and aim almost the whole conversation between SD and DH and Im always feeling excluded. But the part that upsets me is all 3 walk outside to the driveway and chat for 20-30 minutes and then SD and BF just drive off. The existence of myself and DS is practically ignored.
Every damn time she is here they either meet at the car and chat or do as above. Last week they were inside and all of us were chatting for once and as my mother and brother turned up they said "well we are gonna go now" say "hi, bye" to my family as they rush out the door and then DH stands outside and chats with them for 30 mins! I was infuriated and made it clear to him later! But ohhh he was showing them something outside (sure you were haha). We have had this conversation so many times where I say it hurts my feelings when they chat outside and ignore me and DS, his soloution is to tell me to just follow them out... Maybe that makes sense?? But when I'm being practically ignored I dont want to tag along and leave DS alone too, I just dont feel welcome.
Yesterday they met at the car again and his excuse this time was the virus - ummm we all work together in a small office!! (essential service so havent shut down) And he sees all the patients so if anyone has the virus its him so not sure how that logic works! But it just feels like he always has an excuse for her! This isnt a once or twice thing, its got to be 90+% of the time.
Am I being too sensitive or do other people find that rude?
Bear in mind she has barely acknowledged our relationship and for years almost completely ignored me because she doesnt 'approve' of our age gap (which yes, is huge haha)..... *nea*
So, who do you think is being
So, who do you think is being rude? Because your husband is the one who walks out with his daughter and stays out there talking to her.
My dad has done the same wthing with me when I have left his house. Niether one of us planned to have a conversation at the car, he is just a talker and it happens. No disrespect towards his wife intended. But then, I don't have a problem with his relationship with his wife.
Now, standing out there for 30 minutes when your family was inside visiting was rude.
Good point!
I think it is him being rude and enabling her avoidance of me and DS as part of the family.
I would not mind at all if it happened how you describe it happening in your case and I've done the same from time to time with family/friends that have visited and on the way out we get caught up chatting, thats totally normal. But this is almost every visit to our house spent outside and I'll maybe get a "hi" if they do actually come inside and chat with DH for a minute or two . The time they spend inside our house is always limited to a few minutes (they only come into the house if they want something thats in the house) otherwise the whole visit is spent outside away from anyone but DH.
I feel like DH is trying to manage two seperate families and keep us away from each other without even noticing. Its upsetting as there is no animosity between us, just a lack of getting to know one another outside of a professional setting and I feel he keeps that awkward dynamic going.
But again, I could be being too sensitive like he says! This is a pretty sensitive time right now...
Well, I think he is doing a
Well, I think he is doing a disservice to all involved by not allowing you and his daughter a chance to get to know each other. He is facillating this distance when he should be trying to facilliate a civil relationship between the two of you. Instead, he seems to be giving her the okay to ignore you.
You may never be one family but that doesn't mean that you have to be separate.
I don't think you are being too sensitive, I think you just want to be given a chance. He is certainly not helping.
It is hurtful
I just left a 5 yr relationship and one of the biggest issues was that his two 20-something year old daughters would ignore me...right in front of him too and he would still deny it. It's very hurtful and I think it comes down to your husband building the relationship between you and his family. I hope it gets better, it's no fun to have hurt feelings, I've been there too many times too
Thank you
Thank you for asking the question that made me realise I am actually upset at my husband and not at SD. What you said he is doing has actually been a problem our whole relationship and I just could not articulate it as well as you did.
If I ever manage to bring it up again with DH, I will explain it to him how you just did to me :)
Good luck. I hope you can
Good luck. I hope you can make him see that he plays a role in this and that it is possible to turn it around.
She doesn't have to love you, but if she has any respect for her father, she will respect the fact that you are his wife. But he cannot keep giving her signals that it is okay to be rude.
This is always a tough issue,
This is always a tough issue, the adult skid thing. If she isn't rude to you, then I'm not sure what else can be done - she doesn't have to have any kind of relationship with you OR your son.
It's reasonable to assume that it's weird for her to have her father marry a woman who is 4 years older than her, and she may not ever accept you as anything other than Dad's wife who she has to be civil with and nothing else. I'm not sure if DS is your DH's son, but if not, then I wouldn't expect her to have much interest in him, either.
By the same token, DH shouldn't encourage her to exclude you. If she doesn't want to have any kind of relationship with you, then the two of them should meet somewhere outside of your home, but they shouldn't exclude you in your own home.
So, yes, this is something to discuss with DH. SD is making clear her position - now DH has to make clear what his is.
Your DH is managing two
Your DH is managing two separate families that will likely never blend, and that's okay. His wife is 4 years older than his daughter. It's got to be weird to have your child and wife be practically the same age. Not sure why sd is expected to hang out and talk with an 8 yr old that's not her half sibling, or with your family. They talk in the driveway for 30 mins then go. I don't think any of this is rude it's just real. It sounds like SD is civil to you and your child and doing pretty well for the situation.
You'll read on this board that men ALWAYS put their own comfort first. Your DH is most comfortable keeping his families separate and there's honestly nothing wrong with that. It would be more productive to place your focus on your own child and your family rather than attention from DH's daughter.
So you and DS follow them out
So you and DS follow them out. DS can play the "Dad, dad, dad, dad,............" cats and you can interject whatever entertaining conversational nuggets that strike your fancy. Since DH does not recognize and act on your feeling on this, change your game.
I feel like it's rude
I understand being excluded, I deal with that often. I think there needs to be some kind of understanding and respect between your husband and yourself. When SD leaves, she needs to just go, none of this hanging around having their own set of conversations that do not include you.