Is it just me or are other step mom's constantly being blamed for everything? My SD blakes me for all her stress & for whenever she's in the wrong or screws up I always end up
Being the blame some how! HELP!
Yes it will always be your fault. I would stay away from your SD as much as you are able. My SD hates me, always has been jealous of me. Her problem!
I am totally disengaged from my SD56 (married to my DH 37 years). I do not care if my SD breathes. Truly, I know not what she does, where she goes, or care what she thinks of me. SD lives one block away and I cannot tell you anything about her 99% of the time; only when SD works hard to make herself noticed.
When you learn to "NOT CARE" it will be like engaging with a rude stranger in the grocery line; forgotten and let it go.
Oh thank you! I was feeling like the Lone Ranger! Oh yeah loves drama & so does her mother! My SD moved in with us back in February when her & her fiancé broke up. It's been beyond trying!!!!
Will always be your fault lady and the sooner you accept it the better you will feel...
Aergia blames me for her parents divorce, for the fact that her father is hugely in debt, that she has no friends, that she's not tidy... the day she falls pregnant she will blame me as well..
I've accepted it thus I give a darn... and if she never come around into reality, well as I said... I give a damn...
she's not my child thus not my problem and she's not an adult yet lol....
Yes, unfortunately. Usually the step-mom (or can even be step-dad) winds up a) having much responsibility for these children with no recognized authority, and b) becoming the scapegoat simply because it is much easier to go after step-mom, a non-relative than going after a relative, blood.
To some, you are literally the 2nd wife and expected to serve DH, BM and stepkids with no rights or no complaining. If you have a DH who doesn't have your back and is weak, enabling and a BM who is manipulative and controlling, you are going to be in Step Hell until either your DH wakes up or you look out for yourself by refusing to enable all of this behavior and act like a servant.
Not every SM is treated this way, but when you think about how SMs are usually thought of as "intruders" by many, many SMs wind up being treated this way. The thought is that even tho. mom and dad may have been divorced years ago and even tho. SM is dad's wife and love, the SM is an outsider who goes around interfering with the one and only "real" family. When, in reality SM is dad's spouse and should be treated as such. AND, a lot of times, SM is the one running around trying to do everything for everybody and keep everyone happy. Her reward = to be blamed for everything.
It is difficult to do, but love your DH, expect to be treated like his wife (because you are) and disengage from BM, stepkids and let DH deal with his situation. You do not have to pay the price for someone else's divorce.
This is so true!! For 20 years I sucked up to SD and DH, trying to get their approval, and was treated as an intruder in my own home, like a servant and like dog doo. What you wrote, "--it is much easier to go after step-mom, a non-relative than going after a relative, blood", this is what came out when SD had her meltdown. She never had the guts to confront her parents for ruining her life. I got blamed by people I had never met for breaking up the marriage - I didn't know DH at the time of his divorce nor did I live in the area.
You are right about that StepAside. There is a scene in the movie “It’s Complicated” (a great one for BM movie night) where Alec Baldwin, Meryl Strep, their adult children and one of the daughter’s fiancé are all sitting around the table, and one of the kids makes the comment, “It’s just so nice to have the original family together like this. Just us.” And, then one of the kids makes the comment about the daughter’s fiancé, “Well, except for Bob, but he has been with us forever.”
Yep! I figured fiancé had been involved or around family for a couple of years = forever = part of family. SM, on the other hand = married to dad for 20 years = never part of family, outsider. I know it was just a movie, but it speaks volumes of how SMs are thought of outside our world. Actually, the whole movie speaks volumes of how SMs are viewed--dad marries his mistress (in reality, only about 5% of remarriages involve dad or mom marrying their louver), and dad really loves mom and can’t wait to get back together with her all. BUT, it was just a movie and like many movies—ripe with stereotypes. It’s complicated.
I agree, we can't do anything right and will get blamed for everything. Dadswifeorwhatever, is such a great name. It can describe me for sure! My husband and I have been married almost 3 years, together for 5. We each have 3 grown adult children.
My kids will introduce my husband as their stepdad. I'm introduced as dad's wife...that is if I'm even introduced. His 33 year old married daughter is the worse. She never wanted us to get married and she's still not over it. Her father was already divorced when I met him, but I'm sure it's still my fault.
Wow I have to say that I'm glad it's not just me but OMG, what awful lives we lead.. well we just found out last night that my SD is pregnant & high risk. So I'm not to say anything to her about the pregnancy I haven't even seen her for 2 days. I was told after the fact of course... I have tried so hard to ge good to her but no matter what I do it's wrong. I drive her crazy, I ask too many questions, I make her feel unwelcome in my home... she moved in with me & her dad last February when her & her fiancé broke up. Now she's pregnant & they are supposedly looking for a place to live. Not sure why she's continued to live here for the past 7 months if I'm so hard to live with. I just feel like I'm so alone & unloved in my own home... I love my husband but I just wish he would wake up& see what I see...
Agree, we are all describing some pretty awful stuff.
I just needed to ask about your post...SD and fiance broke up, she moved in with you and your DH, and now she is pregnant? With her ex-fiance?
Just asking because my SD abd SS lead disordered lives, can't go longer than 4 years without blowing up their lives, and whenever SD wants a baby she goes and gets pregnant and then expects the guy to step up when he thought he was just hooking up. And they do.
Chaos.
But I'm not allowed to talk about it. Because I'm so negative. And everything I say or do has been wrong. And everything is my fault. I'm so sick of it all.
Lol. After 10 years of thinking I had a good relationship with SD and at least a civil one with SS, I found out they were backstabbing me and trying to end my marriage. That is when I found this site. At the time, I naively thought that everything would blow over because after all, everyone's adult, and we might never be close but we could at least muster kindergarten manners, right?
And then I started reading about situations that continued for decades, and realized I was just dreaming. And then some serious research into broad-ranging behaviors of my SKs and what the implications were, and realized that "just dreaming" was kind of an understatement.
I have a hard time thinking about existing for decades in this environment. And yet, like many posters, I love my husband and if it were just us (and my kids, who call him their stepfather and know better than to EVER pull any of the BS that my SKs have), there would be no drama - we don't argue about anything else really and get along really well. Except for that mini-wife thing...
I had two SM's years ago (my DF is 100 years young now) and still loves the ladies. Lol..
I never disrespected my SM's. I always treated them with respect and was civil, no matter what was said. I just didn't go around them much, because they didn't like me nor my brother; they were just jealous.
I wanted my Dad to be happy and still do; so I just treat it all with the upmost respect, the way I would like to be treated.
This is so true. I take care of every need my DH needs. I am his home health care nurse, cook, maid, taxi, organizer, and lover. My grown skids have no clue what my DH goes thru and I support him 100%.
I am also caring for my DF (100 years young). Wish I had a SM right now; but DF went thru two SM's and they paid their dues.
Ya, much easier to throw you under the bus than to tell them how hurt he was by their selfishness. You are in a different situation than I am because you still have kids at home, have made a recent move, etc. A lot of things to consider. My DH used to do this and it was very destructive to our marriage.
It seems like he is still hopeful you will back down and go to the wedding. Maybe go back to old business as usual.
In my opinion, he needs to know you are done and he does not have to relate any conversations he has with SDs. Just to let you know he will be attending the wedding. That way you wouldn't know whether he threw you under the bus or not. A lot less stress that way.
Your SDs are the absolute worst on this site, StepAside, groomed by their disordered grandmother-slash-surrogate mother to hate you.
For your DH to claim you are putting him in the middle after all these years is both sad and disappointing. Your entire family has been through so much this past year or so, yet it appears he has learned nothing from his brush with death and plans to continue on in the same ostrich fashion. I never used to think of him as selfish, but I'm beginning to, and if he doesn't make some changes, your bios will as well. He is not only placing the SDs over you, but over his younger kids as well.
Yes it will always be your
Yes it will always be your fault. I would stay away from your SD as much as you are able. My SD hates me, always has been jealous of me. Her problem!
I am totally disengaged from my SD56 (married to my DH 37 years). I do not care if my SD breathes. Truly, I know not what she does, where she goes, or care what she thinks of me. SD lives one block away and I cannot tell you anything about her 99% of the time; only when SD works hard to make herself noticed.
When you learn to "NOT CARE" it will be like engaging with a rude stranger in the grocery line; forgotten and let it go.
Sounds like your SD loves drama, like my SD.
Oh thank you! I was feeling
Oh thank you! I was feeling like the Lone Ranger! Oh yeah loves drama & so does her mother! My SD moved in with us back in February when her & her fiancé broke up. It's been beyond trying!!!!
Will always be your fault
Will always be your fault lady and the sooner you accept it the better you will feel...
Aergia blames me for her parents divorce, for the fact that her father is hugely in debt, that she has no friends, that she's not tidy... the day she falls pregnant she will blame me as well..
I've accepted it thus I give a darn... and if she never come around into reality, well as I said... I give a damn...
she's not my child thus not my problem and she's not an adult yet lol....
Yes, unfortunately. Usually
Yes, unfortunately. Usually the step-mom (or can even be step-dad) winds up a) having much responsibility for these children with no recognized authority, and b) becoming the scapegoat simply because it is much easier to go after step-mom, a non-relative than going after a relative, blood.
To some, you are literally the 2nd wife and expected to serve DH, BM and stepkids with no rights or no complaining. If you have a DH who doesn't have your back and is weak, enabling and a BM who is manipulative and controlling, you are going to be in Step Hell until either your DH wakes up or you look out for yourself by refusing to enable all of this behavior and act like a servant.
Not every SM is treated this way, but when you think about how SMs are usually thought of as "intruders" by many, many SMs wind up being treated this way. The thought is that even tho. mom and dad may have been divorced years ago and even tho. SM is dad's wife and love, the SM is an outsider who goes around interfering with the one and only "real" family. When, in reality SM is dad's spouse and should be treated as such. AND, a lot of times, SM is the one running around trying to do everything for everybody and keep everyone happy. Her reward = to be blamed for everything.
It is difficult to do, but love your DH, expect to be treated like his wife (because you are) and disengage from BM, stepkids and let DH deal with his situation. You do not have to pay the price for someone else's divorce.
This is so true!! For 20
This is so true!! For 20 years I sucked up to SD and DH, trying to get their approval, and was treated as an intruder in my own home, like a servant and like dog doo. What you wrote, "--it is much easier to go after step-mom, a non-relative than going after a relative, blood", this is what came out when SD had her meltdown. She never had the guts to confront her parents for ruining her life. I got blamed by people I had never met for breaking up the marriage - I didn't know DH at the time of his divorce nor did I live in the area.
You are right about that
You are right about that StepAside. There is a scene in the movie “It’s Complicated” (a great one for BM movie night) where Alec Baldwin, Meryl Strep, their adult children and one of the daughter’s fiancé are all sitting around the table, and one of the kids makes the comment, “It’s just so nice to have the original family together like this. Just us.” And, then one of the kids makes the comment about the daughter’s fiancé, “Well, except for Bob, but he has been with us forever.”
Yep! I figured fiancé had been involved or around family for a couple of years = forever = part of family. SM, on the other hand = married to dad for 20 years = never part of family, outsider. I know it was just a movie, but it speaks volumes of how SMs are thought of outside our world. Actually, the whole movie speaks volumes of how SMs are viewed--dad marries his mistress (in reality, only about 5% of remarriages involve dad or mom marrying their louver), and dad really loves mom and can’t wait to get back together with her all. BUT, it was just a movie and like many movies—ripe with stereotypes. It’s complicated.
I agree, we can't do anything
I agree, we can't do anything right and will get blamed for everything. Dadswifeorwhatever, is such a great name. It can describe me for sure! My husband and I have been married almost 3 years, together for 5. We each have 3 grown adult children.
My kids will introduce my husband as their stepdad. I'm introduced as dad's wife...that is if I'm even introduced. His 33 year old married daughter is the worse. She never wanted us to get married and she's still not over it. Her father was already divorced when I met him, but I'm sure it's still my fault.
Wow I have to say that I'm
Wow I have to say that I'm glad it's not just me but OMG, what awful lives we lead.. well we just found out last night that my SD is pregnant & high risk. So I'm not to say anything to her about the pregnancy I haven't even seen her for 2 days. I was told after the fact of course... I have tried so hard to ge good to her but no matter what I do it's wrong. I drive her crazy, I ask too many questions, I make her feel unwelcome in my home... she moved in with me & her dad last February when her & her fiancé broke up. Now she's pregnant & they are supposedly looking for a place to live. Not sure why she's continued to live here for the past 7 months if I'm so hard to live with. I just feel like I'm so alone & unloved in my own home... I love my husband but I just wish he would wake up& see what I see...
Agree, we are all describing
Agree, we are all describing some pretty awful stuff.
I just needed to ask about your post...SD and fiance broke up, she moved in with you and your DH, and now she is pregnant? With her ex-fiance?
Just asking because my SD abd SS lead disordered lives, can't go longer than 4 years without blowing up their lives, and whenever SD wants a baby she goes and gets pregnant and then expects the guy to step up when he thought he was just hooking up. And they do.
Chaos.
But I'm not allowed to talk about it. Because I'm so negative. And everything I say or do has been wrong. And everything is my fault. I'm so sick of it all.
Lol. After 10 years of
Lol. After 10 years of thinking I had a good relationship with SD and at least a civil one with SS, I found out they were backstabbing me and trying to end my marriage. That is when I found this site. At the time, I naively thought that everything would blow over because after all, everyone's adult, and we might never be close but we could at least muster kindergarten manners, right?
And then I started reading about situations that continued for decades, and realized I was just dreaming. And then some serious research into broad-ranging behaviors of my SKs and what the implications were, and realized that "just dreaming" was kind of an understatement.
I have a hard time thinking about existing for decades in this environment. And yet, like many posters, I love my husband and if it were just us (and my kids, who call him their stepfather and know better than to EVER pull any of the BS that my SKs have), there would be no drama - we don't argue about anything else really and get along really well. Except for that mini-wife thing...
Decades, huh? Lol. Sort of. Not really.
You would think a SD (mini
You would think a SD (mini wife) would get worn out with this drama; it makes me tired just reading it; because I have lived it.
Now I am getting more peace and rest, due to this site and total disengagement.
My DH & I have have no problems in our marriage, except for the mini-wife thing.....
I had two SM's years ago (my
I had two SM's years ago (my DF is 100 years young now) and still loves the ladies. Lol..
I never disrespected my SM's. I always treated them with respect and was civil, no matter what was said. I just didn't go around them much, because they didn't like me nor my brother; they were just jealous.
I wanted my Dad to be happy and still do; so I just treat it all with the upmost respect, the way I would like to be treated.
Oh well, life goes forward.
This is so true. I take care
This is so true. I take care of every need my DH needs. I am his home health care nurse, cook, maid, taxi, organizer, and lover. My grown skids have no clue what my DH goes thru and I support him 100%.
I am also caring for my DF (100 years young). Wish I had a SM right now; but DF went thru two SM's and they paid their dues.
Ya, much easier to throw you
Ya, much easier to throw you under the bus than to tell them how hurt he was by their selfishness. You are in a different situation than I am because you still have kids at home, have made a recent move, etc. A lot of things to consider. My DH used to do this and it was very destructive to our marriage.
It seems like he is still hopeful you will back down and go to the wedding. Maybe go back to old business as usual.
In my opinion, he needs to know you are done and he does not have to relate any conversations he has with SDs. Just to let you know he will be attending the wedding. That way you wouldn't know whether he threw you under the bus or not. A lot less stress that way.
Your SDs are the absolute
Your SDs are the absolute worst on this site, StepAside, groomed by their disordered grandmother-slash-surrogate mother to hate you.
For your DH to claim you are putting him in the middle after all these years is both sad and disappointing. Your entire family has been through so much this past year or so, yet it appears he has learned nothing from his brush with death and plans to continue on in the same ostrich fashion. I never used to think of him as selfish, but I'm beginning to, and if he doesn't make some changes, your bios will as well. He is not only placing the SDs over you, but over his younger kids as well.
I'm so sorry you had to go
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Awful