You describe my DH's family. DH's kids are grown so he has no need to have contact directly from BM, but he's forever getting reports from the kids abou what she's doing, where she's living, the latest job she's quit. He thinks it's normal. They're all up in everybody's business anyway, so I guess it is normal for them. Me? Not so much. I think it's weird but not a hill to die on, or even have a skirmish over.

right now.

It has become an issue, and I have been accused just a few days ago of being abusive to the child, munchkin SD12, because we asked her not to discuss her mother. And this coming from the same woman who beat her eldest last year (she was just turned 18) in front of the youngest. SO also gets to hear about all the different men she is dating and the problems with them she keeps having. ugh! Inappropriate but this woman has NEVER had boundaries nor has she EVER respected any one elses boundaries. 

Somehow the kids think dad will find it interesting or relevant. When the kids are children, perhaps, but not adult skids. That is not healthy as a dynamic. Try talking with DH.

Yea...I had the same trouble. SD called my husband on our honeymoon to boo-hoo about her mom being sued by someone who tripped on her sidewalk -- like that couldn't wait. SD used to go on and on about how every single person in her mother's extended family was doing. Of course, it's downright painful for her dad because he left the mom when he thought it might kill himself if he didn't, but he's too scared to say anything to SD about it.

My read on SD talking about BM was, "Well, if Dad isn't interested about mom's family, he should be and I will make him interested with my scintillating monologue about every one of them and SM will have to sit here and listen to it too because I'm his daughter." It's like, if it has to do with SD, we should all be riveted.

 In general, I see this problem two ways:

The benevolent way: the kid's reality is still filled with both parents, plus now all the stepparents, both households, etc., so who can blame the kid for talking about his/her life, especially to a parent?

The kid will always see one parent in association with the other parent because, after all, the kid remembers when they all lived under one roof, shared memories, etc. So what's the harm in telling dad that mom's new boyfriend drives a Mustang?

To top it off, in the kid's world, dad and mom are together at every recital, ballgame, parent/teacher conference, so what's the harm in talking to one about the other when they still have ME in common?

The not-so-benevolent way I see it: the kid is so used to being the center of the universe (because the only reason the parents are even in each other's universe after divorce is because of the kid!) that they don't realize the parents hate each other and don't want to hear it. The kid actually thinks "it's about MY mom so of course dad will want to hear it."

Kids of divorce are really screwed up because, on one hand, each parent only parents halftime now, so the kid only gets half the time with them that they did before the divorce.

But on the other hand, because each parent is alone with the kid when they are together, so they hyperfocus on the kid, which makes the kid think he's the center of the universe. So while the kid only has one parent at a time instead of two, all that guilty parent's attention is laser-focused on the kid, so the kid starts to get this heightened sense of place in the parent's life. Often, they're enmeshed, so naturally the kid is gonna talk and talk about that parent to the other because kids of divorce seem to think there is an audience for everything they want to talk about.

I also sensed my SD felt like she was going to throw the BM in my face a little bit by talking about her all the time. That phase didn't last too long. BM and SD fight like cats and dogs, so I don't think SD could keep up the pace talking about her.

DHs dad used to ask about his ex wife until he sent the whole family an email asking them to never do that again. Your husband needs to tell his son to stop that.

I'll be the odd one out here and say that it depends how/when this happens.

My parents are divorced, and both are part of my life. While I don't purposefully bring up either parent with the other, I also don't lie about what has been going on in my life as it involves them.

When my mom called me on my way to my paternal aunt's funeral, I wasn't going to lie about where I was going. I told her Aunt S died. My mom asked me to share my condolences with my dad and his family. She asked if my dad was doing okay and if we were okay. It was a brief chat, but we chatted about it nonetheless.

My dad will ask what we did over the weekend, and if we spend time with my mom and SF, and SBro and his family, I give him a brief recap on what we did. Again, not going to lie or hide just because I am talking to the other parent. I may minimize what I say and try not to share too much, but it doesn't stop me from talking about my life with the other parent, or how their life is impacting mine.

Now, I do think some CODs do it to stir drama. They do it to put a wedge between their parent and SP. They do it to prove loyalty to the favored parent. They do it because they secretly want their parents together.

When talking about the other parent becomes an act of malice, that is when a boundary is crossed. However, me chatting about my Christmas with my dad or telling my mom that I am grabbing dinner with my dad and his GF isn't meant to be maligned. They are each part of my life, and they will naturally come up in conversation.

My SD's(17 & 19) were doing this constantly and SO finally told them to STOP. He doesn't care anything about her or their squabbles with her. And he's been repeating that everytime they try. I'm so proud of him honestly bc him standing up to his kids is a huge step as he has ptsd from being abused by their mother. (He's epileptic and when he first comes out of his seizures and is confused he's always terrified that ex is there and begs me to not let her in the room because she'll hurt him.) Somehow some guy asked his fugly gross no personality ex to marry him and his daughter was telling SO about it and he's like, "Why are you telling me this, I care nothing about her or what she does. Stop telling me about her." 

SD do things like let their mom borrow a tv or car or money knowing she never ever repays anything or does what she says she'll do. Then they'll call SO upset and wanting him to do something. He has two parts to the speech...1 is stop letting her borrow anything bc they KNOW she is like this and 2 is to stop calling him with this stuff between them and their mom bc he has nothing to do with it.

We are very luckily on the other end of the spectrum.

BM hates it if we know any of her business. I’m sure she’s forbidden them from talking about her to us. Lots of things still come out, we’re a very talkative bunch and stories just evolve. The skids sometimes need to unburden too, it’s their Mom and they can’t act like she doesn’t exist.

Sometimes we’ll ask how BM is out of politeness. Sometimes when SD is super stressed we’ll ask about BM because her problems are usually the reason SD is so stressed.

So we hear stuff but not because the skids keep bringing it up.

It is rude!  I call it total disrespect and my SD57 does it all the time and has for 30+ years.  When I totally disengaged, 5 years ago, I finally decided I wasn't listening to it any longer.  I would get up and leave the room and find something else to do.  It is amazing how it helped curb it, then I also had a stern talk with DH.  

DH and SD57 discuss BM out of my presence; because DH will slip and begin telling me what SD57 tells him, about BM.  As long as I don't have to listen to the over and over same stories, I don't care.

  I finally told him, "I don't care what BM is doing with her life, why is it so interesting to you?  Why don't you just go back to her, if it worries you so much?  Why does SD57 keep carrying these gossip sessions to you and I, why would you even care?  I don't put that Sh**t on you about my Ex.  I don't want to hear it!"  

Don't expect anyone to stop talking about it, you just let it be known you don't want to hear it.  I told DH "I don't care if BM or SD57 falls off the edge of the earth.  Don't inform me when they do!"  It has stopped. 

SS33 is a total POS - but he's never brought up his mother at all.  It's probably because for much of his disgusting bottom of the barrel adult life he's been banned from her home if not by her then by her DH.  His drunken rages are just not tolerated at all.  So he rarely has any information about her life to share.

Once when I first met him years ago I asked him something about his holiday plans. I did not say will your mother agree to see you.   I think I asked him if he was going to see his maternal grandmother who lived about 100 miles away over the holidays.  No.

So he's never once mentioned his mother (and I now no longer see him at all).  BM and DH have been divorced for over 25 years so they have virtually no overlap in their lives.

I don't want my kids telling exH anything about me at all. When the bios age out I plan on totally blocking him out of my life and never have anything to do with him on any level. I don't care in the least who or what he's doing. 

ss's have done this, it's like they need to keep DH afoot of all things BM. Let's see she doesn't work, she lives off of DH's alimony payments, she sleeps around, she's bipolar...wow interesting.