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Adult stepson

Michelle05's picture

Submitted by Michelle05 on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 11:25pm

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Adult Stepchildren

<p>Hi. How to deal with adult stepson (24) who rings his father every day or texts. We can be anywhere at anytime. He always needs to share his &#39;news&#39; whether it be the same as the time before or &#39;stuff&#39; he&#39;s read and learned of on social media. He has next to no friends except the online type (who aren&#39;t social fringes to him). He has 2 sons of his own and a partner who doesn&#39;t drive. He needs to branch out and find others to share his views and &#39;stuff&#39; he reads online. He gets cranky if we can&#39;t be with him, or can&#39;t take his calls or return calls. Help!</p>

ldvilen's picture

Submitted by ldvilen on Sun, 11/17/2019 - 3:45pm

You cannot deal with the SS.  He is an adult.  You can deal with his father, however.  What does his father think of this?  If he's okay with it and SS is okay with it, there is not so much you can do, other than tell your DH how you feel about it.

You could tell your DH that his seemingly far-out enmeshment with his adult son bothers you, because you almost feel like you are in a 3-way intense relationship rather than just a 2-way, between you and DH.  But, DH may not get it and may just think you are jealous, not getting at all that even in an initial relationship, it'd be unusual for an adult dad to spend so much time with his adult son.  But, at the end of the day, it is up to the dad to put the brakes on it.

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Tue, 11/19/2019 - 1:22pm

Right, it's between SS and your DH. BUT that doesn't mean you can't set your own boundaries so that his calls don't interfere with your time with DH. I had a similar problem, and still occasionally do. 

So we agreed no phone calls or texts while we're out together. For a time I had to make DH leave his phone at home or in the car because he couldn't NOT answer.  I left him at a restaurant stranded once when he took a call.

No phone calls when we're having a meal together at home. There were several times he walked across that boundary and I simply left the table. 

Come up with what's important to you and set some boundaries around those.

At the same time I encourage DH to have a healthy relationship with his kids. Just not at the expense of his relationship with me. There is plenty of time for all of us -- he just has to manage it. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 11/20/2019 - 10:20am

Keep in mind that at least half of the problem is the father.  Daddy needs to not respond to the pathetic level of contact except on his terms and in a very structured manner. 

SS should be informed that he will be responded to only during a 30 min window three times per week. Or something firmly structured to keep his intrusions to a minimum.  If he gets cranky that is is problem.

IMHO of course.