Adult stepchildren with us all weekend
My partner and I have been together 6 years. He has two children from a previous relationship, who are 24 SD and 18 SS. They have the same mother, the SD lives with her mom and stepfather the SS with us. We also have a child of our own who is 1. The SD spends most Saturdays with us now, literally all day (yesterday was 12 hours, leaving at 11pm), the SS came back less than an hour later with his GF and she is still here now, 10pm the following evening, albeit first time she has stayed, but I can see this being a regular pattern. I cannot express how fed up I am with this. My partner does not see why I am angry, but my parents and friends think its awful. Growing up, from when the youngest was 2 he has had them every weekend, and we took the youngest away on every weekend break we had when he was under 17. The mother doesn't really do much for the kids, and everyone says this. I work part time and have a 4 bedroom house to keep clean and a 1 year old. The SS doesn't pay any rent, and does nothing around the house, his dad runs him and his gf around even does his washing and makes his sandwiches. I feel so angry, and I let my partner know this regularly. He just doesn't acknowledge there is an issue. I feel absolutely bereft by the situation, completely let down. I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation and if they could offer any advice. I feel completely consumed by this.
I'm sure....
I'm sure all the StepTalkers will chime in to commiserate with you but the first thing that jumps into my mind is, why are you the one doing everything to keep a 4BR house going altho you work and have a 1yo child. Time for a najor distribution of duties starting with DH and including SS.
EWE would never happen in any
EWE would never happen in any blended marriage I was in that had a local visitation schedule. EOWE or EOW but never EWE.
Like you I have been SP to my Skid, SS-28, since he was 2yo. We had him full time except for 7wks/yr. 5wks. summer, 1wk wi ter, 1wk spring.
I would not sacrifice my every weekend while my mate's X had every weekend Skid free within 200 miles of my home.
Nope.
Partner doing what he wants
It sounds like your partner does not care if your angry or not - rude. Do y'all jointly own the home or is it his? How does he treat the baby?
A 24 yr old should have a
A 24 yr old should have a life of her own, friends with whom to spend weekend time, and her own place to live. Your partner is evidently the problem here - he encourages his adult kids to behave like gigantic cuckoos by doing stuff for them inappropriately. He should not be doing washing, sandwiches and a taxi service for them. What lazy overgrown kid wouldn't want the continuation of this? He needs to stop.
Start planning excursions
Start planning excursions aimed at your little one. Change the locks and be gone on the weekends. Do not allow DH to put his older ADULT kids over raising the baby. We had an ours baby and once the older ones are grown , you have time and money to focus on the youngest. How can you do that when extra funds are going toward enabling them to remain stunted? Put your foot down. I had to. We have a 12bd and retirement to fund. That comes first over adult kids.
I very much agree. BE TOO
I very much agree. BE TOO BUSY TO HOST THEM. It's time your dh learned to shift his focus from where he's running after able-bodied adults to actually helping those who need him, i.e. you and your baby.
Yes, change the locks but do not give them the keys.
He just doesn't acknowledge there is an issue.
This spoke to me. Often times this happens because they dont want to make the changes they would need to make. SO, getting to the roots of why your Partner doesnt want to make these changes...either he parents out of guilt or hes "afraid of losing them".
Charge your Partner for all the food and utilities that SD24 & SS & GF consumes. Charge your Partner rent $$$, too. If he chooses not to "achknowledge" there is an issue, even after you have communicated, you have to up the ante.
You can always tell him and his children they must leave. But it doesnt sound like you are ready to play super hard ball.
Rag's suggestion to lock them out during the work day - he has actually done that and had success. It makes sense - why should you work your tail off to support lazya$$ adults and kids. So stop doing that. This is YOUR home. Time to reclaim it.
I told DH that SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin is like a housemat that I help support. She stays in her room, doesnt do anything obnoxious but she is THERE.
Same with his friend that comes over 1-2 times a week the past 3 plus years. I threatened to charge HIM rent too. I like my space and time alone. And you have a toddler. So you need extra help, and hes catering to the ADULTS. Wow.
Also
Take on a maid and have your husband pay for the service. There's no reason for you to be mucking up behind his lazy kids. If he doesn't want to pay, then it's time for him to motivate his kids into behaving better and sharing ALL chores.
We only had to leave SS-28,
We only had to leave SS-28, then 18, on the front step during the work day twice in 8mos for choosing to not complete his daily chore list. A day without food and shelter made a huge impression on him. The first time he was angry and was convinced he had nearly died of thirst. I showed him the garden hose in case he chose to not do his chores again.
Total and complete accountability works. Particularly on young adults who do not have any way of providing for themselves.
My SS gained clarity in a hurry and made a launch plan that would not leave him on the front step without food, water, and shelter or his comfort at the pleasure of someone else.. He is kicking butt. We are very proud of him.
Agree get a maid service
On Monday let them clean up. If DH doesn't like paying for it. He can tell the kids to not come and make your home a flop house.
May can do and tell the DH
May can do and tell the DH anything she wants but that's likely not going to make any difference. He raised those kids and they've turned out just like him. May is in quite the common pickle. Having a child with him has only complicated matters. So that all said, May, if I were you, I'd have my come to J meeting with your husband and when he doesn't make changes (grow balls), I would definitely change my focus to my own bio child and be gone a lot. I hate to say it, but I feel like this is a no win situation. Hopefully I'm 100 wrong.