And, what does dad do about all of this? Is he sitting by the wayside letting you and his children go at it?  Is he setting any kind of boundaries whatsoever?  Is he treating his daughter more like his spouse while treating you more like a child/ mistress?  I would imagine your answers to these questions would be at least a partial Yes.

I'm finding with stepparenting you either wind up being a SO/ spouse or a servant.  Not much inbetween.  If BM gets it and SKs get it and, most importantly, DH promotes you as his SO/ spouse and inisists that you be treated as such, then SM usually winds up being what her role was meant to be--a SO or spouse.  On the other hand, if BM intrudes or SKs intrude and DH is weak and enbaling, then SM usually winds up being a servant.

Your DH is letting you take all of his flack.  He is acting like you and his children are equals, at best, and therefore in some sort of competition.  Meanwhile, he gets to sit out and play innocent, poor me, in the middle father.  There are children and then there are SOs or spouses.  You treat children like children (no matter what their age) and you treat and insist everyone else treats your partner like your partner.

YOU (SM) have no responsibility to go after or try every trick in the book to "make" someone else's children like you.  Forgoing that you are not truly an Evil SM, and most are not, it is pretty much entirely your DH's responsibility to set the line for his children, and yes, even adult children.  In addition, it sounds to me like DH's daughter is truly mentally ill, but he may have set that up even years back, before his divorce from BM, that his daughter is more-so his spouse, daddy's special someone, and now she is totally infuriated that dad is cheating on her with his "mistress," a/k/a THAT woman.

Google the term mini-wife.  This is a very difficult thing to break a DH from, because before SM enters the picture it usually has been going on for years and DH and SK are both getting something out of it.  They also are inclined to think there is nothing wrong with it.  Your DH should have put his foot down with his adult daughter years ago.  He didn't.  Now, like a lot of SMs, you are being sucked into someone else's family dysfunction, and not only are you being sucked into it, but you are being blamed, in a sense, for it as well.  Happens all the time, unfortunately.

You can disengage from SD and should have long ago.  But, you cannot disengage from your DH.  Your DH needs to step up to the plate here, big time.  He could even, unbeknownst to you, be playing both sides, telling his kids one thing and you another.  He could very well be that much of a coward.  He needs to be the one putting his foot down.  Not you.  Him.  You, on the other hand, need to decide if it is time to move on.  You deserve much better than to be some other family's punching bag.  Any SM is better off alone than to wind up being little more than some other family's servant, with bedroom benefits for dad, and that's it.

Wow, she's nutz.

DH should let his crazy miniwife know that true empowerment comes from being competent at something and having a purpose in life.  It's time for her to grow up and behave like a rational adult.  She should have better things to do than obsess about her daddee every second of every day.  He should tell her to get her own boyfriend.

Are "his wife" and he divorced? In process of divorce? I ask because most ladies write 'his ex-wife' and stress the 'ex' part routinely when speaking of the woman. 

I ask because this grown daughter seems to be sending you mixed messages. At first it was 'just give me space and time' and regularly communicated (through text) with you, then one trip oversees to see visit with along with Dad to his family and you're suddenly the devil herself. 

Could it be her father is sending his daughter mixed messages? The grown adult daughter is showing a whole lot of hatred toward a lady she has never met.... and you live with her father. Does the daughter live anywhere near your partner and you?  Is she married and having already started her own family (any grandkids yet) ? 

I have no idea as to why this woman 'hates' you, but it seems strange she sees you as taking her father away from doing his father obligations/responsibilites to her.... she is fully grown. With the exception of perhaps finishing up college education finances, he has no 'legal' obligations nor responsibilities to a 26yr old daughter. 

I could see her maybe resenting the 10yr old child (your self bio child) who gets to live with her father 24/7. Not that it's right , but she may feel your son gets more time and attention than she or her brother does (in my country her brother is still deemed a minor where the father would indeed still have obligations and responsibilities). But if she has never met you and never met your self bio grown adult children, I'm not getting why she is so nasty about your other children. 

I don't think I'd make any more attempts to communicate with this adult daughter of your partner. Whatever is happening between the woman and her father are obviously concerning to you, but this is their relationship to make or break. You can't 'fix' whatever is happening between them. If the woman hates you without ever having met you, I assume it's not you personally. She would do this to any woman her father was in a relationship with. Which is why I say stop communicating with her, why knock yourself out trying with someone who has no intentions and who is attempting to have her father rid himself of you. 

Which leads me to your partner. Why is he discussing his and your relationship with his daughter? Why has he not told his daughter to stop her games and to leave you and your adult children alone? The daughter should be immediately blocked from you and your adult children on the phone and any social media. 

You have endured the adult SD's toxic behavior toward you and your family long enough. I would be letting my partner know this also. Call me old-fashioned; but if a man loves you, he does not sit back and let anyone in his family or anyone at all treat his partner, girlfriend, spouse, etc. like this.

This is correct, there is nothing much you can do about her behavior and how she acts, except to not let it bother you any longer. I also considered leaving the relationship during the first couple of years, but did not. Do any of us sign up or expect this hatefulness to happen?It caught me off guard. I get along with everyone I meet and couldn't understand it.

I was the target of my adult SD's nastiness for the entire time DH and I were dating and it continues into our marriage. She and the adult SS's would make things up just to try and break us up. Adult SD would call and swear at me. They were hateful to the core and still are. The SS's would write and call  Dh and swear at him for marrying me, amongst other nasty things they did.

Like you, I tried to be nice and ignore the hatefulness for a long time. I also felt bad for my DH and still do feel bad for him, but not as much as before, as DH says their vile behavior toward our relationship doesn't bother him anymore. It is almost like becomes the norm. It has actually strengthened DH and my relationship. So, the disrespectful antics backfired on them.

It wasn't right to be treated like this by anyone for so long, and after fearing offending DH or the adult skids, finally said "enough already". Since that time, I no longer sat there while the skids were hateful to DH and I and when SD called me the next time with one of her hateful rants, I told her I was not going to be treated like this anymore and asked her to stop treating her father like garbage as well. This stopped most of her calls, any others after that I ignored. As far as all the adult steps, I have disengaged from them and told my DH that he needs to deal with their disrespect of our relationship, not me. They are not my kids, not my problem. 

I think most of us know in our heart if our SO is going to have our back or not. My DH finally made it clear to them his relationship was to be at least respected or he would not have a relationship with them. They chose to continue to be hateful, and too bad now DH doesn't want anything to do with them or the gskids. 

I hope some of my experience helps you out. Best of luck to you

She is 26 and doesn't live with you, so, if she is causing problems in your relationship, it's because your partner is letting her.

She is 26, her father's responsibilities to her are non-existent, at this point. She is not a child and he owes her nothing. Certainly he doesn't owe it to her to not have a healthy relationship with a companion. I don't understand these adult off-spring who do not want their parents to be happy. I also don't understand the parents who cannot seem to put these selfish adult off-spring in check.

I can't think of a faster way for my DH to check his daughter, than to be given an ultimatum. She would lose that one, for sure.

"She has told me that he has told her he is leaving me, something he denies - he says that is her wish not what he has said."

I have to wonder if your partner is not playing both sides a little, here, as well, and giving her mixed messages in order to keep her somewhat calm. That would not sit well with me.

My DH loves his daughter (also, 26) and he hurts when she turns her back on him, for whatever reason, but he will not be manipulated by her and he will not let her dictate his life.

As another poster said, at 26 your DH has no responsibilities whatsoever towards his adult daughter, but he does have responsibilities to protect YOU against this blatant abuse.  He appears to be doing nothing effective.  His tolerance of this awful behaviour is making your life a misery.   He needs to step up and grow a pair, quickly. 

Any time adult skids refuse to meet their parent's new partners, it's indicative of a dysfunctional relationship between the parent and kids. Things were broken before you came along and there are damaged people involved, including your partner.

That this 26 yo woman is behaving like a bratty tween and actively trying to cause you to break up with her father is both troubling and a serious red flag. This is by no means normal or healthy behavior from an adult woman.

Please stop all direct communication with this woman (but save all the texts, just in case). You and your daughter should not answer any texts, and BLOCK her number. She is her father's problem, and it's his responsibility to keep that poison away from your relationship. 

​​​​​​​Can you clarify a few things? How is your SO's relationship with his son, and have you met him? Has your SO taken any steps to deal with his kids' issues? Any counselling, does he stand up to them, etc? And why is he taking trips without you?

Time to get DH's balls back from  his DD's purse.  I think as his SO that  you have every right to insist that he act as your equity life partner and stand up to anyone who speaks of or treats you in a disparaging manner.  As  you should do for him.

If my brother or I had ever spoken to or of our mother as your SD-26 speaks to and of you we would have been fertilizer.  Though she is most definitely our mom she is first and foremost our father's bride and he is her groom.  Woe to either of us, or anyone else, who made the decision to forget that unequivocal fact.  That is how I was raised, that is how I journey through life with my own bride and that is how I/we raised my/our son.  He made the mistake of stepping over that line only once and he immediately found himself standing outside the locked front door, in a driving blizzard, with no coat and only wearing one shoe.  He never again spoke to his mother with anything but respect regardless of if he was disagreeing with her or not.  He did it respectfully. PERIOD!

We just spent two evenings with SS-25 last Thursday & Friday. We had a great visit.  Lots of laughs, some power parenting, deep discussions, and tons of love.   Even now he says yes/no ma'am/sir when speaking to us. Just as he sees me do with his Deema and Deepa (my parents) and I am a 54 year old old fart in my own right.  We are very close.  I believe that is in large part due to the structure, standards, and character that the Rags' clan insists on from all members.  He was raised in that model and pushed for a formal adoption when he was 23.  We made that happen.

Time to put your foot  up some DH and SD butt on this one I think.

I am going through a very similar situation with my DW and NPD 30SS. He has given her the ultimatum that she canning visit him and his fiancée and 2yo son with me. I am not allowed at any family gathering, and she has gone to Christmas dinner with “her family” without me. At this point the NPD 30SS has all his siblings rallied to tell their mom that they are “concerned for her”, meaning they don’t think this is a healthy relationship for her. The worst part is I have lost DW in the process. 

I have gone full-on disengagement from her entire family because I will not stand for that kind of emotional abuse. I don’t think DW has any commitment to the marriage, and it is essentially over for us. 

I will need to protect myself and stick to taking care of myself and being around people that love and respect me. I know my value and I know everything I do comes from my heart. I have grown through this process, and the whole thing just sucks. 

Mini-wives and mini-husbands can ruin a marriage if both partners don’t put their marriage first. Why do they feel responsible for the happiness of their adult children? How can they turn their back on the person they committed to spend the rest of their life with, supporting them through good times and bad? Why does this crap even happen?

My husband heard a lot of the histrionics too when we married. Hell, the first time SD heard my voice on his machine, she stopped talking and seeing him for TWO YEARS! She was about 14 then and I should have run like hell! When he told her we were getting married, SHE CRIED. As an adult, she has pulled the same drama you've experienced: my husband is ruining her life by being with me, I treat her like a dog (she should be so lucky), my husband is putting me before her and before his responsibility to be a father to her, she's having nightmares, I'm ungrateful and should be dropped in a war zone to learn to be thankful for what I have...blah, blah, blah.

I also tried meeting with SD before we married to get to know her. She kept canceling at the last minute. As a result, I really didn't know what a nightmare she was until I was married and stuck.

I'll just jump to the solution: Give up. Don't see her, host her, speak to her, speak about her. Act as if she doesn't exist. Block her from contacting you. Tell your husband under no circumstances is he to bring up her name (unless she's dead because you're gonna wanna know about THAT!). Do not waste more time and energy because I can tell you these drama queens don't change. SD doesn't want to like you. And she doesn't want you to be nice to her because that makes it harder for her to maintain her position that you are an awful person who her father should abandon.

You cannot win, so do yourself a favor and draw your line in the sand. If your husband gives you any trouble about it, just ask him very matter-of-factly, "Why would you want me to spend time with someone who has treated me as she has? What would have to be mentally wrong with me to WANT to spend time with someone who hates me so much?" When he wants a change, he'll step up and be a parent. Until then, he's part of the problem and does not deserve your continued effort to appease his horrible daughter.

Yea, you'll feel a little guilty. You'll feel like you failed to win her over. But it's not up to you. It takes two to be in a good relationship and she has ulterior plans, so it just isn't going to happen for you. Save yourself.