6th Anniversary of His First Wife's Death
So he's up in a down mood, tries to call is D on her cell, no answer.I ask waht's wrong and he tells me it's 6 years since his first wife died.I tell him I think I know how he feels as I lost my GD 2 years ago.( I forgot it was today)
I don't know how to react to this.He says he is over her, last year nothing, thi syear he's all upset.Some one tell me how to react or what to say.His D and family went to the cemetery, I told him he should have gone , but they went without him.He says he's going on Tuesday with flowers.Is this the way you act if you are over someone.I don't think so.Am I wrong, being foolish.He has gone to his D house up the street to be with her.What exactally am I supposed to say or do? I just don't know.I think he's still in love with her and things will never be right with us if he still in love with her, they were married 42 years.HELP please.I don't want to act like I'm jealous of a dead woman.
Last week it would have been
Last week it would have been 50 years.His daughter reminds him on a huge calendar, her birthday, their anniversaries and her death.I think it's more for his daughters benefit.She wants daddy to never forget.She can't deal with him being with another woman. BTY , he never grieved, he just went south, partied, got drunk and dated younger women.I just sit here waiting for this day to pass.
Honestly, I think it's nearly
Honestly, I think it's nearly impossible to be with someone who was married for that long and lost the spouse to death.
Of course he still loves her. Her death didn't erase his love for her. If anything, it can increase it, because people suddenly become much better after death...not worse. All those little things that annoyed him are no longer remembered.
42 years was his life. Figure he was in his 20s when he married her. That means he spent twice as long married to her than not married to her.
If you can accept that he will always love her, that's cool. I think just accepting that and enjoying the relationship you have with him now is the only way to go.
PS: If you knew he never grieved the death of his first wife, why did you marry him? Why not wait until he'd gone through that process?
^^^ agree. It will pass.
^^^ agree. It will pass. Just schedule some fun trip for yourself on the anniversary each year (but don't rub it in).
For me, grieving is the
For me, grieving is the acceptance that the person is gone. It has no effect on whether love continues or not.
So, when I say he should have grieved before marrying, I mean that he should have gone through that process where he understands and accepts that life is forever changed and is READY to move forward with someone else.
I don't think that happened before wife #2 came along.
I also think that he does and will love wife #1 forever. I agree that the "one and only" notion is for schoolgirls.
I know you are in a unique situation where you have divorced your XH, he died, and you remained very much in his life.
I'm sure you still love him. I'm not so sure your BF knows you still love him, but hey... it might be hard for him to accept.
Same with the OP. This is tough. But she's no kid and I'm sure she's loved before, too.
Grief is normal even years
Grief is normal even years after a death. I lost my husband over 20 years ago. In the beginning it was overwelming. Eventually there were years that the date of his death came and went with my never even thinking about him.
Last year my daughter placed the video of "dance with my father" song on my facebook. The words, the music, the emotion that I felt when I watched this video had me sitting in my chair with tears streaming down my face. My present DH walked into the room, said nothing, rubbed my shoulders and walked away. He understood because he had lost a wife.
Parents who lose a child do not love their other children any less. Eventually life has to move on. But there will always be a song, a smell, a sight, something that will bring back the memory of what once was but no longer is. The realization of the loss and impact on our life is suddenly in our face as if it just happened.
These occasional times of reminded grief have nothing to do with you. If my DH had become upset or pouty when he saw the video my daughter sent or her remark that she missed having a father as a child then it would have caused damage to our marriage. He did the right thing. rubbed my shoulders and allowed me the right to feel the pain of the past . With in a short time I was back in the present.
Beautifully said. Thank you.
Beautifully said. Thank you.
I think the answer to "how do
I think the answer to "how do you react" is basically that you do not react.
You can totally be over something even for years and then just have a memory that pierces you to your core.
No - don't be jealous of a dead woman. The only reason to be upset is if he told you something negative about your relationship - like he didn't love you or didn't want you. And that's not what is happening.
You certainly have the story
You certainly have the story right about H's dotter, the control freak .She wants everything to be mummy and daddy as one..the huge calendar with her mums BD, there aniversary, when she passed...he certainlly does not need reminders.Who could forget a wife you were married to for 42 years who died suddenly..or any special date...
At least I have NOT seen her since being back home from the shelter.Her grandma's 90th is coming up next month and I won't be going.I can't imagine what she has told her mothers family about me.H can go with his D.
She is incapable of letting me into her life or excepting me as part of her family.I just don't care anymore.She means nothing to me after all the hurt she has caused me.This Sunday I am having a BD dinner for my Dotter, Grand D ( same day) an son in law the day after.His D's is next week.I will do nothing for her BD after the s@hit she pulled last year.
I think I agree with many
I think I agree with many points here but I think taking a little of each of them will provide the balance.
Yes, it is understandable that a 42-year relationship will not be forgotten. Ever.
It is also understandable that grief is a tricky and insidious thing. One year, it doesn't affect you much - the next, you may be overwhelmed. That goes with the loss of any loved one, not just a spouse.
But I do think that your SD is taking an inappropriate role of making sure your DH stays on the grief train, even though he may be ready to get off. Ensuring he has all the dates on his calendar is but one example. This is a calendar to be hung up in YOUR home? I think not. This is the home you share with your DH and the fact she foists this upon your DH is a clear indicator she does not recognize (or want) your relationship as her father's wife. That's her problem to deal with, not use her own grief like a weapon on her father ... and on you.
"Until death do us part." There is a reason for that in the traditional marriage vows and a reason it has lasted for centuries. Because it's true. Once a spouse has died, it allows the other to live their life and eventually find happiness once again - without feeling guilty about it.
Thankyou to all of you for
Thankyou to all of you for your comments and helpful remarks.It was the worst day of my life Sunday, trying to cope with his moods and depression.I didn't know how to react.I tried to be supportive, but I think I will alwys feel I am 2nd best.I don't beleive he will love me as much as he loved her.Then again with his D always putting the reminders out there it's even more difficult.She makes a point of letting me know what a great marriage they had.Truth is it's mostly in her head.I don't believe for 1 second that it was that happy.I've been told by others it was not.The are all living in a fantasy world.I understand putting someone on a pedistal after one dies, but sometimes it's a bit overdone.
I lost my granddaughter 2 years ago, age 30 from cancer( left a 4 month old baby),The only way my daughter and I get through it is to talk about her imperfection and laugh about it.She was not perfect and she was a know-it-all could, be downright nasty at times.We still loved her though.What is wrong with pointing out a loved ones faults.Isn't that healthy?
I go to my first counselling session tomorrow.Hopefully I can get a handle on my grief and my husbands.I think there is a lot of guilt on his part.He was not always there for her and her sudden death in 1 day shocked the families world forever.
"She makes a point of letting
"She makes a point of letting me know what a great marriage they had."
you'll have to set a boundary on this...
And how do I do this without
And how do I do this without be called a bitch ?
You may be called a b--ch but
You may be called a b--ch but you probably are now anyway. So what? They don't define you.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably give my DH a heads up and tell him how it bothers me and how I can no longer hear this for my peace of mind. I would tell him my boundary; the next it happens, I will tell your DD how it makes me feel uncomfortable to hear these stories and how I will have to leave the room when and if she starts again.
That's your boundary. You're not telling anyone how to behave. You're telling them what YOU find unacceptable and what YOU will do if it continues.
Some people will tell you your feelings are unjustified or "wrong". Sorry, they are YOUR feelings and you're entitled to them.
I've done things like this in my own life and its liberating. But you can't bluff and you have to be consistent, just like child rearing...
Aparently he told his D that
Aparently he told his D that she is not allowed to talk about dead people around me..how childish is that..he feeds the fire.When I confront him he says" I use the wrong chose od words.
No, there is no fighting
No, there is no fighting about a boundary. It's a statement of fact. It's delivered without passion or anger. It's your truth. It doesn't have to be anyone else's.
Being a step parent is just
Being a step parent is just plain hard. The daughter is trying to manipulate you and your SO. I would think about telling SO how you feel about that, or perhaps seeing a therapist just to talk things out. I am a fairly recent widow. I know that I will never forget my husband. But that doesn't mean that you are second best. It just means that he won't forget her. That was a long marriage and whoever mentioned that spouses take on qualities of perfection when they die - well, there's some truth to that. But I believe that most widows and widowers get past that and have certainly entertained thoughts that they weren't so perfect. In fact, anger is a big part of grief. Those of you who are discussing grief without having lost a spouse really do not understand what it is like. Sorry, but you don't. I do not think his grief pattern is so unusual. Many people have tried to harass me into "moving on," but moving on is not linear. I am surprised every week by my good and bad days. I imagine they will continue for awhile, but that I'll get better at hiding them or distracting myself. Have you ever tried to talk to you SO about his wife and what their life together was like? He might really want to share that with you.
For sure she is minipulating,
For sure she is minipulating, but daddy doesn't think so.He thinks his D is perfect.If she shot me he would say "it was an accident and, she didn't mean it" ..I have tried to talk to my H about his first wife and their life together..it was all perfect..I get no where, so I don't ask anymore.
He greived alright by getting drunk,partying and one night stands with younger women..he was angry..I don't blame him..he had a horrible sudden loss.I get it !
His friend called 2 nights ago and he told him everything between us was so-so..that pissed me off.I thought things were much better.I feel like I am 2nd best..she was over weight and frumpy( not to be mean ) and I look young, dress well and wear my hair long.People mistake my daughter and I for sisters. Maybe this is a problem with his dotter..I dunno