I feel your pain. 

It's a very frustrating situation. My ex and I could not move forward with the relationship as he did not want to grow a pair, set his daughter a date to move out and become an adult.

This is one situation where I'd issue an ultimatum - she's out within a month or I am. This grown adult has the means to rent an apartment and move out. There's no reason this move can't occur quickly. He father hasn't found the motivation to tell her to leave.  Give him some motivation.  If he makes the wrong choice,  you've saved yourself years of heartache. 

I agree on YOU setting the time frame. He might wait until she's 40.  Tell him that while you do understand he loves her, you realize you made a mistake in moving in there while she still lives there.  You can give him X more months, but if she's not out by then, you will need to get your own place until she's gone.

Say it warmly and with love - and then do it. In reality, you DID decide to marry him and move in knowing she lived there, and without talking to him about the plan for her, so it really is your mistake. Let him choose if he prefers to live with her or you by owning that mistake (rather than nagging him and fighting with him).

I went through the same thing with my H and SD31. If it were up to H he would live with SD and I forever and have his two favourite girls living with him forever. I can't fucking stand my fully-blown narcissist SD. I was having heart palpitations and had a several-year never-ending brutal headache that was so bad that I saw blue lights all the time. I HAD to do something.

With our SD mini-wives in the home, our husbands can't be all-in with us. They are not available as husbands because they are already married to someone else. Well, the day came that I wasn't having it. I always pulled back out of fear of losing my marriage because I was co-dependent at the time, but then the day came that I feared living with the agony of being a distant second to my never-launching bitch SD more than I feared divorce. 

I had a nuclear melt-down and laid it out that H can only live with one of us. He will never be able to live with us both at the same time. I also told him that if he chooses to live with SD, I will not be his booty call and it will mean that I will move on. Maybe you don't have to go that far, but you might. With your SD still being there at 32 years old, it's going to be harder to get her the hell out. 

Do something now rather than later. My SD just had a baby four months ago, so H is all enthralled and in constant contact with SD all over again. She's also getting kicked out by her SO, so H is all worried about her, so the bullshit has ramped right up again. 

I would lay down the law and take ownership as the woman of the house. Tell your DH that you require that he join you for a talk with SD and she must be told before the sun sets today that she's out in 60 days. Tell your DH that in 60 days one of you moves out. Let him know to choose wisely because if he has you move out you will not be his booty call and you will consider your options. That'll put him on notice. Try to get him into counselling as well. Put an expiry date on how much longer you're willing to live with SD. It is untenable and you cannot have a real marriage unless and until you and your DH live alone.

Talk.  Tell DH that SD has to be out by X. Date or you will be the one leaving.  You must light a fire under DH but.,

At least you know where you stand. 

Then ever live with my SD. 

Hi there,

I've recently inherited an entitled SD24 who talks and behaves like a 12 year old. There hasn't been a day in this girls life when she hasn't been offended or upset by something or someone. She could start an argument in a graveyard. She falls out with everybody, which I must say makes me feel a bit better about the whole sorry situation. I hoping one of these days she works out the problem is actually her but I'm not holding my breath. I've recently learned she's had some counselling though so you never know - perhaps the penny is dropping. She has a very troubled mind and I try to remind myself of that when I get angry with her. It's hard though - especially when they're not yours. This is the whole problem with adult step parenting - they're still the apple of one partners eye and nothing but a pain in the neck to the other!

My thoughts and advice would be:

1) know you are very much not alone with this

2) don't feel bad about how you feel. This is a 32-year old WOMAN who is more than old enough to be living her own life and supporting herself

3) as vile as they are, try not to take it personally. There is usually a huge story behind people like your SD - there certainly is mine. I've known mine 4 years but the other 20 years - who knows what's gone on. I'm not making excuses for her behaviour - I'm just saying whatever the reasons it's not down to you.

4) your enabling partner is the problem and I think you'll find he's bluffing on the launch date. He won't do anything that upsets his precious princess. My wife is the same with her daughter. What makes the situation really difficult (and this has happened to us) is if the child emotionally blackmails the biological parent - Come round to my way of thinking or i'll do something to myself. I really can't comment on this as I'm not a psychologist; all I can say is that I think it's probably quite common because if the child senses guilt they will probably play on it.

5) if you haven't already done so look up launching and disengaging

6) living with her cannot go on and you must make it clear to your partner how you feel and what you expect to be done about it. You probably know this already. It may come to an ultimatum and you need to be prepared for any outcome. This is where I am at the moment - hanging in there but on the brink of it.

Good Luck! Wishing you the best outcome all the way from England

"This is the whole problem with adult step parenting - they're still the apple of one partners eye and nothing but a pain in the neck to the other!"

SO TRUE!!!

He's stalling on telling her. He'll stall FOREVER if he is able. He's not the one who needs her to move out, so he's going to avoid her anger or tears or punishment or whatever it is he fears for as long as he can.

He'll never say anything to her UNTIL it's more painful to deal with you than it is to deal with her. Don't tolerate his stalling, set your own boundary, and stick to it. She needs to be out by X date. And if she's not, the consequences are Y. Consequences could be everything from him moving out of the bedroom, to you moving out of the house.

She’s had a full time job for years & he only charges her $150.00 rent a month & she buys most of her food.

Then she should have plenty of money saved to get her own place. He needs to have the conversation with her NOW.

Seriously, this is your home and your marriage, and this is an adult woman who does not need to be living with you.

I would really wonder why my husband does not want to live with just me. Why would he need his 32 year old daughter living with us?

And, I agree with the others, perhaps it's time to let him know that you will get your own place and they can live as a happy couple, without you.

Ridiculous.

Circle two side by side dates on the calendar in big red maker and write MOVE OUT DAY  under each of them. Post the calendar next to the refrigerator.  When DH asks about it tell him that the first one is the day SD moves out, or you move out on the next day.  If he ignores it and does not ask about it, and  he likely will ignore it, call him over to the refrigerator, point it out, and tell him to sit SD down and tell her that is the day she and all of her belongings have to be out and she launches as a fully self supporting adult.  About 10-14 years too late IMHO.

Then while he is standing next to you call a moving company to schedule the second circled day as the day they come pack your stuff and haul it off to storage while you move into an extended stay and start your search for your own place.

For each day after that discussion demand from DH an update on SD's move out plan and status on his conversations with her.

It is long past time that you build the burning platform under both DH and SD and get him to act and her to launch.  Until that date... no intimacy, no house work, no cooking, no financial contribution to the household, nothing.  Put it all on DH and SD.

Not an easy journey to force them into, but, force them you must.

IMHO.

Good luck.