2 adult stepchildren have moved in
I have three adult stepchildren ranging from 19 to 24. I have a 4BR house and my two biological kids live here every other week, each with their own rooms. A while back, right at the start of quaratines, my oldest stepdaughter showed up at our house for what I thought was a visit. Aftershe was here a couple hours I noticed several boxes and bins of her personal belongings showed up in our foyer. I was surprised. My wife had said nothng to me. I came to find out that the wife had given her permission to stay with us while she deals with a personal issue. I was livid but let it pass. At first, everything was fine. #1 was polite, mannered and cleaned up after herself (mostly). Shortly after she began causing trouble and we had to ask her to leave with little notice. My wife wanted the oldest to start being self suffiecent and felt that allowing her to sty was only enablng her. Over the years she had some drug issues, has never held a job and always asks my wife for money.
So, SD#1 moves out. Then SD#2 moves in...and again I got no warning other than SD#2 was going to stay a couple nights. It is two months later and she is still here. This makes me mad also. However, SD#2 is more responsible, holds a job and gets along great with my other 2. Not an ideal situation but I have accepted that she'll be here for a while and have somewhat calmed down.
A few days ago, stepson #1 calls the wife at about 9pm and asks if he can come over. Of course, she says yes. Now, guess what? Stepson #1 wants to move in. Here's the thing, I don't have a bedroom for him. He sleeps on the couch and since he doesn't shower often, he smells. So, instead of furniture that smells like a wet pet, I am likely destined for furniture that smells like young adult male BO. NOT PLEASANT! He is messy and it really makes the house crowded and puts me on edge. I mean I am super-stressed. He doesn't work, and has only had a couple short terms jobs in his 20 year life. He doesn't want to work. A coule nights after his arrival, he decided to go stay with his dad about an hour away. Great! I was releived and happy. But, wait! 24 hours later, the wife and I are sitting and watchig the telly and he pops in at about 10pm. My BP shoots up and I am trying my best to contain myself. The wife is fine and seems anoyed that I am not happy. Now, he wants to set up camp here, not work, and make music all day. I want him to go live someplace else and my wife thinks it is ok for him to stay here indefinitely. I am not good with that. This is stepkid #3 to move-in without my advance knwledge and I am livid. I'm seriously considering a separation because I can't handle it. And, my trust is broken because I was never once asked about any of them coming to stay. I think she just assumes that once they are here, I will just give in. I can't do that this time. When I told her that she mentioned she might need to get an apartment for her and her kids. I love her very much but this is going to far. Sorry for the long post, but I'd like to hear some thoughts. Thank you.
It's incredibly inconsiderate
It's incredibly inconsiderate of her to not discuss this before it happens. And, just no to someone living on the couch. There simply is not room for the ADULT kid to live there. If she thinks she should get an apartment for her and her adult kids... fine.
Was the home yours prior to marriage? Does she contribute to the house/utilities/food? Adding two more adults to the mix increases expenses significantly.
Good call changing your
Good call changing your username - as I said on the other one, she has no right to move her kids in with no discussion with you. And then manipulating you by threatening to move out if you ask them to leave? If it's your house, ask them to go and if she goes with them, so be it. I might agree to one kid moving back in an urgent situation, but sure as hell not all 3 with one on the damn couch.
Stand up for yourself. Love isn't enough.
Thank you. That username
Thank you. That username thing freaked me out. Had to delete account and start new one, LOL.
To clarify, the oldest stepdaughter moved out just before the youngest SD moved in. So, it is 2 of hers and 2 of mine.
Thanks for the comment. Yes,
Thanks for the comment. Yes, it was my house before we got married. She helped me pick it out and it is in my name but I consider it ours. I pay most of the bills as she is in school getting her masters degree, which I fully support. She works part time so we can have affordable healthcare since I am self-employed. She pays a few of the utility bills and sometimes she will get groceries but, as you mentioned, the extra people is more expensive.
I agree that it is inconsiderate. She justifies it because my minor kids are here every other week. This is all very recent and I am considering my options. If I love her, do I just shut up and deal with it? Or, do I put my foot down and draw a hard line?
I'm sorry but minor children
I'm sorry but minor children are not supposed to be self-sufficient, adult children are. This is their HOME, dammit! Andthis isn't just about the cost, it's about respect. She moved them in sneakily, not discussing it with you as if you were of no importance. Sorry, but you are supposed to be a partnership, right? She doesn't get to make unilateral decisions.
If she wants to move out with her kids, let her. I wonder how long her kids will be happy to have mummy living with them when they want to bring a bf/gf home. I think having mama sitting in the living room would fairly clip their wings
Call her bluff on that one. Maybe also ask how they will be able to afford it - 3 bedrooms and only a wage and a part-time job between them ...
Whatever you do, do not grin and bear it because that will only leave the door open to worse ... and yes, it can get much, much worse. Stand your ground.
So, your MINOR children are
So, your MINOR children are there every other week so it's only fair her ADULT children are there FULL TIME.
It's nice you consider the house "ours", but come on. You pay for it as well as most of the bills/food AND are supporting her while she furthers her education. Are you paying for her schooling as well? And she is ok making unilateral decisions that INCREASE expenses?
Nice. If I was you, I would feel like I was being used.
That makes no sense. Parents
That makes no sense. Parents are obligated to care for minor children, not for adult children. I'm assuming you'd take the same stance with your kids that you want to take with hers.
No, don't shut up and deal with it. Sit down with your wife and see if you can come to an agreement about them moving out and future rules for adult kids that will apply to yours as well. If she refuses, I'd have to consider whether she's using you and doesn't particularly care about your needs and feelings.
Bdaddy, did you and your wife
Bdaddy, did you and your wife discuss this type of issue prior to marriage? If she is threatening to leave and get an apartment with her adult kids it sounds like she doesn't value you very much.
The fact about her making a comment about your minor kids living there every other week sounds like she may have chosen a partner like you (one with minor kids) purposely so she would be able to enable her adult kids. Her statements seem to indicate kids are kids no matter what. However, her kids are not kids at all, they are grown ass people.
Im sorry to say it, but she sounds a lot like my ex on this issue. I could see him trying to be with a woman who has minor kids, so he can justify the enabling of his own adult kids. Only problem is just like you, the board members above, and I realize is their is an obligation to take care of minor kids whereas taking care of adult kids is enabling behavior and very problematic.
I have strong boundaries when it comes to that. In the absence of illness or emergency I am not taking care of anyone's adult kids and I don't expect my significant other to take care of mine.
I earned significantly more than my ex, he later took a pay hit in part because of illness, and his adult kids were still hounding him for money. Some kids do not care about anything but what their parents can do for them, and in my ex's case his adult kids are never there for him. Your wife knows you are financially supporting her, and yet she adds to your stress by bringing in her adult kids???? Why don't her adult kids get a place together and make ends meet? It wouldn't just be a no they can't live with the two of you but a HELL NO!!
You should have had the balls
You should have had the balls to end it immediatly when the first one showed up.
End it now. For all of them.
For good.
Thanks everyone, I appreciate
Thanks everyone, I appreciate your thoughts. We are talking and figuring it out. She knows he can't stay here and so does he.
Just remember that talking is
Just remember that talking is easy, don't let things stop there.
You have more talking to do
Even if you fix the immediate problem of getting the adult skids out of the house. You need to have a more in depth discussion with your DW to get to the bottom of why she thinks she can make unilateral decisions that effect everyone. I wouldn't dream of having even an overnight guest without discussing it with my DH first. He'd never object but its polite to ask since its his house too. And he would do the same if he wanted to have someone over.
^^this^^ 100 times over
^^this^^ 100 times over
This.
This.
Right. And I can't even
Right. And I can't even imagine DH just letting SS20 move in here over my objections, he would never do that. It's so inconsiderate and unreasonable.
It's a total negation of OP's
It's a total negation of OP's importance or even existence.
You and your DH have a
You and your DH have a mutually respectful marriage.
Bravo for doing as it should be done.
Thanks
I like to think that we have a grown up relationship where each person considers the other.
Agree with AccidentalSM - you
Agree with AccidentalSM - you and DW need to have a discussion about how to handle situations like these. And keep in mind, they will apply to your kids too when they are adults, so discuss what age you both expect them to be living independently.
I like to think of the house as both an asset and a home we share. So the asset is mine (in my name and purchased by me) and it is my decision on what to do with the asset as far as inheritance, etc goes (mine will never go to SKs) but the home is the physical space that is ours together to share our lives in. It is our joint decision (never a unilateral one) on whether anyone else can stay/live here even temporarily and if one of us has an objection it needs to be respected by both.