What kind of relationship can you have with Stepchildren?
I want to start this forum with the hope of gaining more insight into the methods you have used in developing and maintaining a relationship with stepchildren. I have confronted a few problems with my BF's SS relationship. I think my role is too much of a friend type role--more like the kind I have w/my nephews and nieces. But for my family it works great. I am very open, we joke around, have inside jokes, etc. However, SS told his mom that I helped him with posting some inappropriate pictures on his website...which included him so- called smoking and using profanity...all which were lies...she she made it her duty to confront me, not BF, about monitoring him better SS when he is at our home
This was more difficult than it may appear...I do not like her so I have always avoided her...no confrontations or negative experiences but no overtly friendly ones either. I just don't want to have a relationship w/her right now b/c of her nature and what she does to my BF. Well I few weeks ago she decided to call me and inform me that SS told her how I helped him with all these "bad" and "inappropriate" things on his website.
My dilemma is I don't know what he really told her or if she made up all the lies! I caught her in a few lies while she was on the phone but still...I can't help but wonder what really made her call me... I keep thinking that SS did tell her that it was all me so he could get off the hook with her.
I confronted SS and he apologized for the "weird" call from his mom. He said he was so sorry she had to call. He kind of went around the issue a lot and was indirect as to why she truly felt like calling me about this! I told SS how lies could cause a lot of problems for people. I also said that luckily I am a not confrontational/argumentative type person b/c things could have been really ugly on the phone w/his mom (and even between SS and BF).
So who is lying...? Both of them probably.
My new set of rules for my relationship with/SS: a guarded relationship. I am more careful w/what I say and how close I get to him...I just don't know what he tells his mom anymore. I know she talks badly about his dad to him (he tells us) so I can imagine what could be said about me...At times we are really close and have great fun together but this whole thing with her calling me got me thinking.
I think this is the stuff
I think this is the stuff that teens and bio-parents go through with each other...playing parents off against each other. I think..its just easier for children of divorce to do it but unfortunately its also harder to fix the hurts when it's done in step-families.
I'm glad you confronted him on it....
I hope he comes to understand and truly regret the damage he has done to the relationship.....
I don't blame you for being guarded for awhile...until your sure this won't be repeated...
Oldest SD is a very distant second cousin kind of relationdhip..or a old neighbour that has moved away...cordial on the surface...little interaction.
Younger SD is more of a neice type relationship. We can laugh, chat together, but her focus is on Dad and our relationship is very secondary, we don't hang out one on one. But then again she doesn't really hang out with many other women one on one either. We seem to be getting more comfortable together since our blow-up this summer. She was happy to help me with my sons party and I was so happy to have her help....
I expect that it's different and the relationship is closer when you live with them or raise them from a much younger age.....but maybe not
Much of this could be
Much of this could be Biomom. I know that when I did anything nice for my BF’s daughter, she would always make it a point to call me and say something about it. She saw me as a threat. Once she even accused my BF and I of swearing in front of his daughter. We don’t swear in our home.
This may be the case and he was caught in the middle.
Lovin life &Bobbi
Thanks for the reply....I do figure a lot has to do with Biomom and her feeling like I am a threat. My BF and his mom tell me that they know Biomom hates it that SS and I get along so well. She sees me as a threat according to BF's mom and I believe it. I have always respected her role in his life since day 1 and have no intentions of trying to replace her role in SS's life. I also think that the ex is trying to paint a bad picture here at our home in case one day SS decides to live full time with his dad and they have to go to court...Biomom might say that our house in a so-called "inappropriate" household because dad has a "bad and too young" girlfriend. She gave my BF so much grief when he asked me to move in. SHe didn't even take the time to find out what kind of person I am before she started accusing me of being harmful to her son...she still ignores the fact that I work with children for a living and am scan/registered with the gov't...
That is besides the point...sorry for the side-track
RE:
By my guess I'd say this kid is probably in his mid-teens, am I right? The way I see it, no teenager would just go to their parents and admit to doing these things, much less show them the proof of it. My guess is that she caught him looking at those pictures and asked him how they got there, and he panicked. You were probably the most believable explanation that popped into his mind at the time.
I agree with Janice. I would explain to him that you value your relationship with him but that it hurt your feelings when he placed the blame on you. I wouldn't back away or become guarded with him. I'm sure he wasn't thinking when he did it and didn't do it with the intentions of hurting you.
Let us know how it goes.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
My stepkids aren't teens
My stepkids aren't teens yet, but anytime they tell us their Mom didn't do or did do something, like stupid crap like not feed them(so they can get another meal even if they're not hungry) and we suspect they're lying, we just call their mom infront of them or have them tell us what they said infront of their mom. Obviously it's not over anything very serious, and since they're y oung enough I think it works and is training them to not try to play the parents off each other. They always feel dumb if they're lying and tell the truth, and if they are telling the truth, they stick with it. It's a shame your SS wasn't 'trained' like that, but maybe it could still work, especially over minor things like that. If I were you I would have asked him infront of her what he said, and had his dad there. No rational person could object to it, but then maybe all involved are not rational...
That's a great approach
That way the kids learn accountability. I wish things with my husbands 2 exes were not so pyrotechnic. I think that if my now 18 year old teen SD had been accountable for the little things she would not be in the pickle that she has ended up in.
I wish my younger ones could have this chance to learn to be a decent person without having to end up in the system.
// Susanna
relationship w/steps
I don't.
I am kind and smile. Like to a stranger. I do not reprimand. I do not help. I only have very light small talk. I do not buy gifts, prepare meals, etc. I answer sweetly when they call and if dad is not home, I pass on the message.
I handle my kids and he handles his. We have 6 together, 3 his (15, 21, 25) mine (25, 27, 29). Only one lives with us (my youngest) and one of his visits him every other weekend.
I do not mix the children.
I try to give him space to be alone with his.
He does the same.
I'm with you Anonymous............
Step parenting is really HARD. No matter what you do you are wrong. Either you are too friendly and 'mothering' or you are 'too distant and not involved enough'. You can't win. So, like you I am polite to his kids, I do cook them meals when they are with us. I don't clean their rooms, tidy their toys, take them out (except when with my partner). I am not their mother and I don't want to be. I have already raised to young adult children.
The only time this becomes a problem is when there is discipline required and it takes all my strength not to get involved. My partner is way too soft on his kids because they don't live with us and he is terrified that they will not want to come to our house anymore if he punishes them for anything.
Same Here
I agree w/Lisa & Anon, has been my experience anyway. When I was really involved and helping with SD, DH wanted me to do all the parenting. He had moments of "checking out" mentally and expected me to take over, which I did but I didn't like it. I would have to be the one to put SD to bed or the kid would be up all night on the phone or watching tv when she had school the next day. I made sure she wore clean clothes to school every day and try to get her to eat something other than chicken fingers every day..you know. Finally it just got to the point that I felt like the total Bith!. All I did was the parenting part and DH was the "friend", I gotta tell you that it does not work. I have since retired from my parenting of SD, time for me to be the good guy. Bottom line is that DH and BM are responsible for raising a well rounded productive adult, and I am just here for support and be a DW to my DH.
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
Crayon...
It really does sound like we have the same men & skids??? Are there a bunch of clones out there somewhere??? LOL
relationship/w steps
I don't.
I am kind and smile. Like to a stranger. I do not reprimand. I do not help. I only have very light small talk. I do not buy gifts, prepare meals, etc. I answer sweetly when they call and if dad is not home, I pass on the message.
I handle my kids and he handles his. We have 6 together, 3 his (15, 21, 25) mine (25, 27, 29). Only one lives with us (my youngest) and one of his visits him every other weekend.
I do not mix the children.
I try to give him space to be alone with his.
He does the same.
Thanks maya
Interesting post.The relationship I have I with 'SS' I would call neutral.I am not his best friend but I am not a strong disciplinarian either.Maybe that is cold, but it's how I feel and I do feel taken for granted.
I will say to 'SS' if I think he is being rude to me or sometimes leaving mess that is going to cause trouble like chocolate milkshake splilling.
My BF's son has come to me to talk about issues he is troubled with before his Dad and I try to help.I rarely criticise BM even if BF or SS do (only if it is safety of SS) or it is over minor things like how I cooked my SS scrambled eggs once which BM slagged off huh!
I am annoyed with BF as he is inconsistent in discipline with SS.To me 11 pm is not a good time for bed even at the wknd.
SS controls when we have meals (because he fills himself up on sweets) and what TV is watched.In these and similiar areas I would like more control.It's hard as I don't live there but am expected to be there when SS is there and to help cook meals (I also wash which partly benefits me).