SD calling me mom
Things you need to know:
I have a son (gavin) and stepdaughter(belle).
They are only weeks apart in age.
I've lived with my step daughter since she was 2 years old (she's now 4).
Here's the issue:
My step daughter's mother was only in her life once every 3 months for the first year I was living with Belle. During that first year Belle caught on that my son, Gavin, was calling me mommy. Eventually, Belle started calling me Mommy as well. We had a few conversations about it for the first month it happened. I told her she didn't have to call me mommy, she could call my by my first name, I even suggested some nicknames. However she continued to call me mommy.
Now, almost a year later, her bio mom has an issue with it. (Which I understand) However, what I don't understand is what she wants me to do that I haven't already done, because she has been informed of our efforts to let her know she doesn't have to call me mommy. The only thing we haven't tried is punishing Belle for calling me mom. And I refuse to do that because I don't want Belle to feel as though she doesn't deserve my love.
Her mother also has an issue with me giving her hugs goodbye when she comes to pick her up for her weekend. I have no idea what she expects from me. Does she really want me to deny her daughter hugs and kisses when she asks for them yet give them to my son in front of her? I'm so confused as to what my options are.
These issues only came up since we have been going to court. So for a year or so, she said nothing about I being an issue. So after the first couple conversations I stopped telling belle she didn't have to call me mommy. But now that the issue has been brought up, I have this conversation every couple of days, and belle's response is always, I'll call you mother then instead of mommy. I need some advice on how to handle this situation because I'm stumped.
I feel so sad for your SD
I feel so sad for your SD (and you should remove her and your son's name for anonymity purposes and replace them with the acronyms, we have SD for stepdaughter and BS for bioson or DS for dear son) since it's essentially her choice, although she is 4 and has very little idea about what is going on.
It might be worth sitting her down and letting her know, if she insists on calling you mommy or a variation thereof, that it is her choice but that in front of her mom, she should call you by her first name. Same thing with the hugs and kisses--that you are not punishing her but that in front of her mom she shouldn't do those things because it makes her mom sad. Let her know you know it feels unfair but that we have to be sensitive to other people's feelings too.
What's the custody and visitation schedule like? It sounds like your husband has majority custody.
Speaking of your husband, what does he say about all this?
Is there a way to edit the
Is there a way to edit the post so I can do that?
And we have her full time and she gets her every other weekend since summer started. But it's not legal yet were currently in the middle of mediation for our parental agreement
Hmm, I am not sure about
Hmm, I am not sure about forum topics since I realize this isn't a blog. Hopefully someone can come around and tell you.
I'm really sorry you're put in this situation but it looks like because you guys have her full time, there may not be that much damage that will be done by the biomom because she doesn't have the time to work on your SD--just keep reinforcing that in front of her mom, she is to call you by your name and you won't be offended by it. Hopefully others can come in and give more tips too.
She is very manipulate. And
She is very manipulate. And honestly, that's kind of how I feel. I just need to know that I'm not being selfish for feeling that way. I have tried for two years to have an good relationship with her. But it's so much harder than it is with my bio son's step mom, who is one of the biggest blessings my son and his bio dad has had.
Here we go again with the
Here we go again with the debacle when Step kids call non biological step parents MOMMY or DADDY.
Personally I am of the opinion that no matter how derelict the parent is no step parent should encourage, allow, hint or suggest a non-biological person call them mom or dad.
The exception is when this adult walks the walk verses talk the talk. Which means the child bio parents rights are legally terminated by a court AND this child is now officially adopted by step parent AND willing to become in every sense of the word financially responsible for the child in ever way.
Legal adoption is different.
JMO of course.
We have never hinted or
We have never hinted or persuaded her. When she started I told her she could call me by my first name or by a nickname if she wanted. However, she continued to do it. I didn't want to forbid her from doing it as I didn't want her to feel rejected. And believe me I have asked about legally adopting her, however that would include her mom signing over her rights and she won't. So, how would you recommend me going about making her stop without making her feel like I don't love her as much as I love my son? I'm definitely open to suggestions because we have tried everything except for forbidding and punishing her for calling me mom.
Kids are smart. They know who
Kids are smart. They know who their REAL parents are and that can have absolutely NOTHING to do with biology. If your SD calls you Mom then that is what you are to her. BM can FO!!!!
The fact is that SD is YOUR daughter. The prefix is irrelevent IMHO.
My bride and I met and started dating when SS-24 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy). His choice. Neither his mom nor I told him to call me Daddy. He just did. BioDad was always in the picture but rarely saw or spent time with the kid. I was there day in and day out for all but the infant phase of his life. I am his dad. He is my son.
The SpermClan took exception to it for many, many years... Mainly SpermGrandHag. Interestingly last year when he asked me to adopt him (he was 22) he did not consult his SpermClan. It was his choice. My son was concerned with how SpermGrandHag would take it (he gives no shits about what his SpermIdiot thinks about anything) and she shocked me with her response when he told her that he had been adopted by me a few months after the fact.
She told him that she was happy that he had a good example of a father in his life and wished that his three younger (half) sibs had the same. This is the woman that fought us tooth and nail for nearly two decades over every little thing she could get her bloomers in a wad over. She defended her POS waste of skin son and all of his characterless crap. "He is not your REAL father." "Don't call him Dad." etc, etc, etc.......
I think that the SpermIdiot has even been more disappointing than even a mother's love can sustain feelings for.
Don't get me wrong. I have no use for any of them but ... seeing the stalwart dedication of SpermGrandHag towards the SpermIdiot crumble was an eye openner for me.
Eb523 I think it's up to your
Eb523 I think it's up to your SD especially as she's so young. But I'm struggling with this too. My SD is 3 and keeps calling me Mama. Her dad called me Mama Kim from quite early on and refers to the dead bio Mum as Mama P*****. But now SD just wants to call me Mama and he keeps correcting her and wants me to as well.
But I'm pregnant and my baby will be calling Mama so I don't want SD to think that I feel differently towards the children, which is what you're saying I think.
In my case I just need to give it time, but for you I think the advice above sound good.....although I'm a bit concerned about putting it on your SD, you don't want her to feel guilty? She's so little.
Surely she should be able to call you what she wants. It's for her bio mum to be the bigger person here? Especially as she lives with you more??
It's a hard one!
Have you considered having
Have you considered having her call you "mommy-(your first name)?" I raised my ex husband's daughters and that's what they called me- both were small when ex and I married and it just kind of happened- their mom was very capable and not anything like you describe your SD's mom- but our situation was very difficult as their bio mom had cancer, so all of us were in it together to keep the girls focused. My husband now has two children of his own, and I came into their lives when they were a little older (elementary) they call me by my first name. Honestly, I think you just need to let it be. This is the bio mom's issue- not yours, not your SD's. She's little. She sees what she sees. She's too young to understand divorce, step-parents etc. All she knows is that you love her and take care of her. You could try to talk to bio-mom- explain that you aren't trying to step on momma-bear.. you respect that she is your SD's mom, but if she is not the type of person who can be mature about it, I would let your husband handle it.
What I wouldn't do to have my SD love me and accept me.
My Skid (SS-25) flipped the
My Skid (SS-25) flipped the script on this method. I was Dad(dy)and the SpermIdiot was Daddy-first name.
Not my call or my wife's. Our kid did it on his own. I am the only full time dad he has ever had and he started calling me Daddy when his mom and I were dating shortly before we married the week before he turned two.
Twenty years later... he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen. He now has the family name and for the first time he and his mom share a name. Now we have papers documenting what has always been fact. I am his dad.