I'm considering legal action against my husband's ex-wife.
I've been a stepmother and victim of a vindictive ex-wife for twelve years. From the time BM learned that BF had a new "girlfriend" the antagonism has never abated and it's always been in a very underhanded manner. No phone records, for example.
She has never ceased to make BF and I look as rotten as possible to the children. I believe she developed a long-term plan to make my life with her children as difficult and exasperating as possible.
Before I arrived BF was religious about having the kids over at every opportunity. Once I was on the scene his attention reasonably shifted more to me but we followed the parenting plan pretty religiously. If we didn't, all hell would break loose with her. However, once or twice a year we would skip a weekend and for a couple of summers we declined to take the children (six of them at the time) for a month in the summer due to financial difficulties and space constraints (we lived in a single-wide trailer). Five years into our marriage she decided to force us to take the remaining children at home (four in all) despite the fact we were living in a 13 wide mobile home and already had two other children (one mine, one his) living with us.
At the time she avoided seeing her children, saying she was out of town or busy with work. The children never desired to live with us, they were just forced to. After 5 months, we had to petition support enforcement for child support, which eventually she has paid on a consistent basis. However, this is where her perceived responsibility ends.
She eventually initiated giving us full custody but refused to observe the revised parenting plan, which was quite generous regarding her busy lifestyle. For the last six years she has only taken her children one night a month even though she's supposed to take them Friday thru Sunday the last weekend of the month, on alternating holiday vacations and two weeks in the summer. She rarely took them for two nights (like twice a year) and NEVER took them during holiday vacations. She would appease the children with large gifts of money or items; she'd talk us down and cause the children (now teens) to think badly of us.
I have been almost out of my mind with anger and frustration at her hypocrisy on numerous occasions! The unbelievable tyrades she threw (while the children were present in the room) when we even slightly deviated from the the original parenting plan seems to make no difference to her. She seems to feel it's her right to deny us any time to ourselves that we can count on. Only three times we asked if she'd take one or more of the children for a few days so we could go away for a weekend. Every time she OK'd it and then changed her mind at the very last minute! She must take GREAT pleasure in doing this. We've had to appeal to the adult siblings of the children to take them during these times. Last summer, she changed her mind after we left! She was supposed to pick up the youngest son (14) in the afternoon on the day we left but called him to say she'd made other plans.
Despite all this, the children seem to worship her! This makes me think she has brainwashed them against us. It's particularly noticable if the 17-year-old daughter has been over for the designated one-night-a-month. She can't even look her dad in the eye when she returns and is very irritable and rude toward him every single time.
Last summer the stepdaughter (living with us) conspired with her mother to move the youngest son back with BM. The children only brought it up to us once before and BF recommended against it for logical and personal reasons. The next thing we knew, BM moved BS back in with her while we were away for a much-needed R&R trip. (He was staying with our friends). She never spoke a word to us about it. No permission asked, and BF has full custody. I told BF he should call the police and report the son as a runaway and have them go pick him up but he didn't want to unduly distress his boy. BF chose the passive response.
Now, BS tries to come over at every opportunity because he is bored out of his mind. BM encourages him to press BF for visitation. BF rarely refuses. Last night, BS wanted to come back over for the rest of his winter break. BF and I were away and he told him no. BM dropped him off at the house anyway with his sister who was visiting her on a rare 2-1/2 day stretch. I was FURIOUS!
In a nutshell, I believe this witch of a woman has gone out of her way to make me "pay" for something that escapes me. She has managed to maintain complete control of our family life. Even surrendering custody was her idea. It has caused me so many sleepless nights, financial worries, excessive stress at having to deal with her bad-mouthing me to her kids that I have contemplated extreme measures (like divorce, etc.) on too many occasions. Somehow, I feel that there must some way to sue her for some kind of harrassment-for stealing my right to pursue life, liberty and happiness.
Does anyone out there know of a case where a vindictive ex-wife has been sued by the new wife?
I'd appreciate any feedback.
It would have to come from him.
I think any court action would likely have to come from him, not you, and here's why... you married a man with children, so whatever provisions or arrangements or agreements with regard to your involvement with this children would be between you and him. The legal documents re: custody, support, visitation, etc. are between him and her, so it would have to be him suing her for contempt over failure to follow the visitation schedule, etc. Actually, if the CS amount was partially based upon nights spent with each parent and she's not taking the kids for enough of her scheduled nights, then he could conceivably get the CS amount modified. Unfortunately, there are no laws against being annoying. If there were, there wouldn't be a free person left walking the streets. Unless she has used the telephone or US Postal Service to communicate a threat to you or you have ample documentation of harrassment, I'm not sure there's a thing you can do.
~ Anne ~
Kids aren't the thorn
I don't think she's saying the kids are a thorn in her side at all. The EX is. I didn't get the impression they couldn't care for them properly, just completely frustrated by the fact that their biological mother refused to. It seems as if the stepmom and biodad are doing the very best they can.
This is a tough one,
I'll give you that. But I feel the same as Anne. It's between DH and BM when it comes to the courts.
Believe me, you are NOT alone in this... I bet you half the women on this very site feel the same as you, believe me! I sure won't be here, that's for sure! I feel because of the actions that the BM has taken great lengths to be spiteful against us has in deed also affected our lives as well. She has shaped our relationship greatly. But I have to say this, because of that, it has only drawn us, my DH, SS, and I, to be much much more closer to each other, learn how to work out our differeneces, and truly learn how to support one another on a level that we, otherwise, would never achieve... I believe that firmly.
It's sooo easy to point fingers and blame someone else for the 'distruction' of our lives, but we also have to take responsiblity for our own actions and reactions. Everyone has to contribute to the cause, it's not just one person. Now, this doesn't mean that you directly took part in 'fighting', what I also mean by this is that you may also internalize, personalize issues, which is very easy to do. So, granted you'll get frustrated with it and no doubt feel as many of us do... SHE RUINED MY LIFE! Trust me on that one! lol
Instead, maybe try to learn to adapt and be creative, refocus. If you let her get to you, she is ultimately 'winning', so if you are strong and just redirect the focus to your family, your needs, etc, then you're not giving her the time of day to make it miserable... if this makes sense? Maybe councelling would help so you can just vent, or get a new perspective on things? If it's just a matter of feeling like you're going to explode, well, this site is fabulous for venting.
I certainly would put my foot down and be more assertive to sticking to the court schedule, that's one thing. (Easier said than done, I know.) It may mean heading back to court, but you will be sending a resounding message, and I totally feel that many of these parents that don't sick to a court order need to be accountable for their actions by a judge. The schedule is made for a reason, and the children really need both sets of parents.
I wish you luck. Keep posting and I'm sure you'll find you'll be quite at home! ;0)
I completely agree with that
I completely agree with that comment - its work in progress for me right now. I have just got married and find the intrusive bizzare behaivour of the ex wife quite astonishing. She seems to want to let herself down! Anyhow I am learning coping techniques and ways of filtering the nasty sms's when they arrive on my husbands cell phone about me. I have done nothing but help this woman out and all she does is twist everything around. The woman is Bipolar without question.
Does anyone out there have ANY advice on how we can filter this woman?
We have split custody right now - the court schedule is awful i get him one day she gets him the next.
????
Thank you for your comments and support
I might add that we no longer live in the trailer. Thanks to my totally Wonderful and Saintly late mother-in-law she helped us get into a four bedroom house. It's a fixer but we're very grateful. There are only three kids remaining at home so it's only about 3-1/2 years until the last one is 18 and BM won't have a say anymore in anything concerning our household.
On another tack, I've often wondered if my husband filing a contempt case would make a difference. She's told the kids repeatedly that she doesn't follow the visitation schedule because she never "agreed" to it. (Funny, my husband never "agreed" to the divorce, he just finally gave in). We've been told by a couple of attorneys that the court can't force visitation but they can adjust child support, or pose sanctions to encourage the dead-beat parent to consider their children over themselves.
I've often wondered what goes through the BM's mind. I so often get a huge suspicion that she uses her children for one purpose-revenge. I'm not sure what she's seeking revenge for, my husband was a good father and husband (and a very gentle man) but she just snapped somewhere along the way. It's possible all those unplanned pregnancies were the problem and she's been angry with him for it all this time, as if he's the only one responsible. I just don't understand why one of them didn't get clipped after the third surprise, let alone the sixth!
I had my tubes tied while simulanteously having my norplant removed to avoid any surprises!
This past week, it's often occurred to me that my step-children and I would have a really great relationship if their mom had been nice and civil over the past twelve years. I KNOW things would have been soooo much better. But, she'll always pit them against me and my husband to exact her revenge. I just hope when they're all grown up they'll realize what REALLY happened and have some level of appreciation for how hard it was for me.
I hope my story and others like it on this site may serve to give some prospective step-parents a heads up about how things might be for them and some danger signals to look for regarding the ex.
I have one thing to say about that...
WELCOME TO THE CLUB! lol ;0)
I feel completely resentful
I feel completely resentful too. Being a stepmom is the most difficult thing I've ever done. Life just isn't the same. I'm completely worn out & I understand.
I am a new stepmom and it is
I am a new stepmom and it is tough. The children are not the problem, it is the ex wife and her sisters that are driving us crazy. The exwife walked out on my husband four years ago and left him with five children (all adopted). Now that he married me six months ago she has decided to be the "mom of the year" and was calling and texting all day. Calls me a fat B (she is bigger than I am) and has the 7 yr old boy terrified to call me anything other than my name or hug me in front of her.
She came over to pick up two of the children (my husband has custody of all five)and made such a stink we had to call the police and have her ticketed.
We have the house for sale and have to change the parenting plan as it looks as if we are moving 150 miles away. We need to get out of the same town as she has made our lives miserable.
Now she is working on getting the teens to stay with her if we move. It is horrible and I just keep my mouth shut and act nice. She called me a B to my face in front of the 7 year old when we went to pick him up.
I want to take her to court but know it would make things worse.
Thank God my husband is very supportive and won't answer calls from her and tells her to stop this insane behavior.
Hang in there!
THE ex; BM
I've been coping with my husbands ex for 7 looooong years, she doesn't and will not ever, I believe, give up. She has done everything imaginable to me and my youngest son with absolutely no regard as to how damaging it is to all our children. I will never ever understand what makes her tick, other than some sort of mental illness I suppose. I was searching the net looking for sites that she may have found that would give her advice on how to be so evil so that maybe I could be prepared for her next attack. Instead I found this site. What a relief! Finally I have found a lifeline! I'm so terribly sorry that there are so many of us out there going thru what we are going thru. Just knowing there are 'others like me' makes it easier already.
fed up
I have also been coping with my husbands exfor five years. She hates me and does everything to make my life miserable,my husband and her were never married but has 2 daughters 13 & 9 they went to court so many times about child support but the money is never enough she alway has additional expenses, they are always on the phone( over 4 times daily),when talk to him about it he says it's about the children. I think she does this to get to me and what makes me mad is that he allows her to get away with it. I dont know what to do and say anymore please give me some a
Been there, done that-this might help-
Hey there. My Husbands X used to call all the time.
We have been married a little over a year, and together 5. They DV in 2001, when their son was 4. He lived with the X bc she was always home & my husband worked for the Sheriff Dept. They had JC and the kid was just going back and forth whenever they decided he should while the Mom was out moving around with different guys (none of that has chg) and now she lives with her parents. Until I came around all of this was fine. I have a 6 year old, and we have a 17 mo old together. I cant tolerate a visitation schedule that isn't a schedule and I never have. The X used to call here ALL the time, never tell my husband ANYTHING about the child, just called to talk. At first he said the same thing. She was just talking about the child. Well, the reality is that when she is going on and on about her life and how much it sucks or how she wants to do this or that or where she might begin to work (for the 1st time in 6 yrs) or what color the sky is or the grass etc etc, she is not talking about the child. She did it just to "upset" me. I never got "upset". I got really angry, and told my husband that he needed to keep calls to her at a minimum and that if she truly had something to talk about like the kids school, attendance, braces, doctors, whatever, then fine-she could leave a message. She would call during our private time in the evening before we had our child together, call incessantly and at any time she wanted. My daughter didnt always live here, so we used to be by ourselves alot and I felt like she infringed on us developing our relationship. I know that things were different before I came along, but if you think for a second that she might really be trying to bother you, you had better say something to your hubby. Maybe he doesnt see it bc he isnt a woman and doesnt know her motive. Women can usually pick up on those vibes, the men are not so quick to understand or realize what is really going on. My husband (we werent married when all this happened) told her he would not answer her calls, that she needed to leave a msg. When she said "Well, what if it's an emergency?" He told her that he would always listen to the msg ASAP. He never calls her anymore. She does call all the time now that they have gone to court and set everything up through there. Everytime the kid is here, she writes notes in his agenda telling us what needs done (as if we cant read) and never sends our clothes back to us, and she calls about 10 times a day until we finally answer the phone so it will stop ringing. She'll never quit calling, but you can limit her. She will get sick of calling for no reason and will eventually stop.
I could have written this
I could have written this word for word. This is the exact situation that I am in right now. ATM we have full custody and bm has visitation and there is no actual schedule. at the time this seemed logical as she had little contact but now she has decided that she is going to be involved and call constantly. in the past 14 days there have been 33 calls from, to or missed, and the to calls were because she left messages sounding frantic and turns out she just wants to confirm that the sky is still blue and the earth is still round. last month during the same two week period there was one phone call from her. we are planning on going back to mediation as soon as possible.
"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."
Life would be easier if we were goldfish
My stepkids BM half an hour away by car, YIPPEE!!! IN the past I had numerous opportunities to fight back. I gave her silence with a smile which only frustrated the heck out of her because I decided long ago that I wasn't going to talk to the raving lunatic unless she was prepared to listen. She still wont listen. It's been five years!
Anyway, eventually I figured out that keeping the peace is far better than hurting the kids. They will grow up to be adults with a mind full of memories that involve your input. No matter what the situation, fighting back only hurts everyone. It's a no win situation especially for you. Know that the kids will always take their mother's side even if your mouth is shut tight.
As far as the separation from their parents go, the children's perfect world has been shattered. The rug pulled from under them. They now feel more vulnerable without the safety net of mum and dad as their protectors even if the bio-parents are friendly towards eachother. It will never be the same for them again.
Agh...... doesn't make it easier does it?
Let me know
If there is a way I could sue the BM I would. She has made our lives miserable and she lives around the world. I can't Imagine the misery of having her close by. I feel for all of you having to deal with a crazy BM day to day. That would be a nightmare. She hates my husband more than she loves the kids. She lives to try to destroy us. The sad thing is she is doing this while praising the Lord in church every Sunday!! What a hypocrite.
Such BMs are the ones
hurting the most inside. They are immature, jealous and insecure. They are not women enough to deal with life's twists and turns graciously no matter how bad it is. So when they see their exes happy with someone else, that's too big a blow and they have to raise hell and sadly, they are so selfish to the extent where they use their own kids to try and inflict pain to adults not even thinking that the kids are the ones getting hurt the most. Does that make them feel any better? No, the bitterness increases and becomes a 'cancer' that eats away their minds and causes physical problems. What goes around comes around. If I ever see evil BM wasting away, sorry to say but I could not even look at her twice coz she brought it on herself. Rose Colored Glasses, I feel for you but take consolation in that you know you have done the best especially for the skids amidst the BM's madness and you will get rewarded finally. It may be way down the road, but it will come. Personally I have learnt to play games with my mind in that when I am so pissed of with BM, I force my mind to be happy and I do whatever it takes to smile,(my style is downing a shot). It doesn't change the Bm's evil repercussions but my take is that she ain't worth having a headache over. BM has done a number on us, and I have thought of legal action too, but I learnt that she could get a kick out of it coz she will know that her actions get into my nerves. She derives pleasure from chaos so I do not give in to that. I am thinking of you coz I know how tough it is dealing with such people.
You are right
I see your point and I totally agree with you. It seems like the best reactions to the BM has been no reaction at all. It drives her crazy and she because of this has been sending missles our way that keep missing us. CPS was sent over by her, she tried getting my husband fired from work, sending her adult children from another marriage over to spy on us....etc. My husband and I are still standing and stronger than ever. The missles will keep shooting as we are nearing the court date. This is going to be interesting.
Oh I can soooo relate
Well folks, I can only hope i can endure as strong as you all have. I too have the ex wife from hell. I have been with my spouse father of two girls 9 and 12 for almost 3 years. I too am an ex wife, with two girls 8 and 10, yes that makes 4 (8-9-10-12) surprisingly its not so bad. However the better we get the more the ex wife spins. This guy pays his child support without enforcement directly to her on his payday, when he picks up the kids, has for the last 6 years. The trouble started when we decided he would change carreers to pursue a job as a police officer. With the ex wife in this decision, since his income would go down, and her child support as well, she gave us her blessing stating she would sacrifice along with us.
ya right. She agreed to the new amount, but then nickle and dimes him for exras, that amount to more than what he paid before. I told her we are sticking to the new order amount, all those extra things, are on your dime, it went from bad to worse, so when we picked up the kids, she would fight over the amount of the check. were talking ten bucks, here five bucks there. the last straw came after a meeting with the lawyers who set the amount which she didnt like. she then denied us the kids for visits, she freaked out in my house in front of me and my own kids, hers included and forever more we said if you cant separate the two issues, we will be mailing the checks from now on...lawyers agreed. this week, she came to get the kids after four days with us, and had previously sent an email the day before saying she didnt get her check and wants a replacement in her hand and is not leaving til she gets one. we said goodbye to the kids, and then walked out the door to return saying mom says she wants to talk to dad, we said, no, your mom can send an email (to avoid this in front of the kids) the 12 year old returned again to the door saying mom said come out right now....i said to t, honey, your not a messenger adn if your mom wants to talk to dad, she can email, or deal with her lawyer this is not for you to worry bout.....she walked to the car, to have the mother return, as she pounded on the door screaming at the top of her lungs she wants her money, this lasted almost 15 minutes, i finally opened the curtain and said if you dont leave, i will have no choice to call the police, she goated, me, go ahead, call them. i cringed on the other side of the closed door, my kids had been in the room and were crying, scared i shushed them off to their room, hoping it would all be over soon. my spouse, was almost in tears, as he peered thru the side window watching his own kids crying in the car, ......had we opened the door, god knows what would have happened she is mental.....
honestly, i could have opened the door, but i think i would have made matters much worse myself....did they read a book somewhere...and why didnt i get that book when i was divorcing.........my ex is remarried, she tells my girls to call her mommy, i hear all kinds of stuff that make me cringe but honest to god never in my wildest imagination, even when i fought for years to get a dime of child support could i imagine myself doing such a thing..........sometimes i think i am the one thats not right......it clearly works!!! and here i paid thousands for a dam lawyer.......
oh i am so frustrated........
Why do they do that?
It is the other way around in our situation. My husband has custody of his children. He has taken soooo much abuse from his ex bully it is incredible. We are finding out that doing nothing and not bending to her threats works! She has emailed my husband several times this week trying to start a fight with my husband threatening him with her attorney. He answered her telling her talk to his attorney and left it at that. She emails back and asks why she is having to use an Attorney!!!!!! The Beaaaaaach can't make up her mind!!! Oh is she sooooo pissed LOL! A good friend once told me when you let someone anger you they have control of you. I think this is totally true.
thanks cuella i was cracking
thanks, i was so wound up my blood pressure was rocketing, i needed to vent, and thanks for listening...i hopped on the computer to find some kind of answer and found this site....Altho sad to see so many families are suffering.....i feel better somehow knowing i am not the only one....and she wasnt put on this earth to make me crazy....there are more of them......cloned mysterously. i think its because i didnt have it easy, from my first kid at 17 i found a way to make it on my own, never getting anything out of my sons dad...he faded into the past and we never heard from him again. i always was kinda sad for my son, thinking he was missing out....he is now 20 and rather normal, and i wished for the same with the father of my girls....but no....i think i resent the ex, because she has always been kept, from the moment she married my spouse worked hard to allow her to be a stay at home mom, hired a nanny to give her a break, a personal trainer to help her lose weight built her a gym in the house...when they separated he bought her a brand new van and was paying a sick amount of c/s based on his income at the time....like over 4000 a month after he paid the mortgage...back then he could afford it.
now she has to be like normal people, work, budget, and fiqure it out on her own....i spose some could say she has come along way, but its those princess tendancies, when she doesent get her own way and i wont allow her to call the shots in this house....my spouse and i sometimes battle cause i draw the line at where his responsiblity ends, and he feels guilty cause the kids might suffer i said, ya know what, if they do, because its her choices...not his....and like today, it nearly killed him.....to watch his kids in the car crying witness her antics, i said hon, she did that...not you, you didnt engage....she can explain her actions......the only thing is....they are so confused....it clearly shows the first hours they come back, like they are scared to death.....to move.....i just wrote another letter to the lawyers...and cc it to hers....probably wont help, but ohhh what therapy for me....!
you guys are awsesome!!!
I have considered writing the
I have considered writing the lawyer because when our seven yr old comes home from a weekend with his BM he is a monster. No sleep, junk food, no rules. He is so overwhelmed and just cries and has screaming fits for a day or two. I swear she does it on purpose to be the "Disney" parent. So hard on him. He gets frightened if I am in the car when we drop him off because of his mom's temper. Thanks to all of you for venting
Shame on Some of these BM's
It is terrible to watch the kids suffer because of the BM's actions. I am a BM myself to 2 grown children now and I raised them as a single parent. Neither my ex nor I ever talked bad about each other to the children over the years and believe me we had a bad divorce. Regardless of the way our divorce went he and I both wanted our children to grow up respecting one another. He got remarried and his new wife and I over the years became best of friends. They are now divorced and we are still best friends 25 years later. So what I am experiencing now with my new husband and his ex is totally new to me. I have never had problems getting along with others but this person is a real pill.
I Agree!
It's is terrible to watch the kids suffer. It's terrible, too, to have your life controlled by someone else. That is definitely the most frustrating part for me. We have moved away from the anger part, because we, like Cruella, determined that she controlled us more when we were angry. We try really hard now to just follow the court order to the letter. We don't let her get away from it (we've threatened to bring the police on more than one occasion) and we don't alter it at all either. It keeps us all a little bit sane. I don't know what you would do about a situation like you described above, though. If she just dumps the kids, you don't have much choice but to step up and do it. I would definitely get an attorney and file Contempt on those occasions. As for the kids and their opinions, they will (and almost have to) think that Mom is good. I had a therapist, skilled in Childhood Trauma, tell us that Bio-Moms have to be good in the child's eyes (even if they're really evil) or the world is just too scary. Know that eventually they'll grow up and they will look back and realize all that you did for them. I figure even if they don't look back and realize, at least I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that I did the best I could for them.
Yep
You are right Stephanie. When it comes right down to it I realize no matter what the BM does the kids will always look to what little is good inside of her. I had a long talk last night to my 8 year old SD about stealing. She had been caught shop lifting on Easter Sunday. I told her I don't care what BM is teaching her but in my house she will respect her father and I. I told her I don't trust her anymore and she will have to work hard to earn that trust back. She said she was going to do that. We will see at least she seems like she wants to. BM is not being a mother but is just trying to be her buddy. Drinking with her oldest children that are still below legal drinking age and showing behavior not fit to be a mother right in front of her kids. No wonder this child took to stealing. We have problems after every visitation. She has been walking around the house staring at pics of her mother. I feel bad for her but I don't want the child to grieve. I asked her to put them away and just look forward to the summer when she can see her again. She needs to look at what is going on now. I also told her that her behavior will not be tolerated and if she didn't behave that we can keep her here this summer no problem. She needs to know she can't act up just because she misses her mother. That she made Daddy cry. Shop lifting was a crime and we won't tolerate that kind of behavior and there are consequences to doing bad things. Like not getting what she wants. She asked me about her easter basket and I told her that we were going to give it to Goodwill to a child that really needs it and will appreciate it. I am not going to reward bad behavior that ruined our Easter. I think maybe I got through to her. I hope so.
My husband's evil ex is
My husband's evil ex is CCCCRAAAAAAZY. She was so controlling to my DH that he wasn't even allowed to have a beer with his brothers cause it goes against God. Now she goes out all the time, has gotten a DUI and some other charges. She posted a pic of Hubby on myspace and he asked her to take it off and she won't and things have gotten nastier from their. The kids don't get any attention from their mother so the go home and tell her lies cause she immediately gives them her undivided attention. Because I sent her a nasty email she has said that the kids can't come back down. I have tried to be the bigger person for so long that I can't do it anymore and I am finally stooping to her level. I don't even know what to do anymore. It has been 3.5 years of her trying to control me and my husband and turn those kids against us and I've had it. Any advice?
Fed up!!!!!!!!
I really need some advice if someone has it ...I have been reading all of your messages. and wow i feel for all of you...cause i know what you are going threw..i'm going threw it too. but my one question is that my husband is going to court again for the thousand time...and we had just found out that she has all my bank records from my personal account and my business account..my husband name is not on any of these accounts...the lawyer said that she can do it cause it is a business account but what about my personal account is she allowed to look threw that ... I mean the women has every check i have ever written ...to me that seem like she is stalking me ...she looks on the computer for all my buisness info and prints them out...my husband does heating and cooling but i'm the owner of the business...i feel like i should have some privacy,,,and with her i have none...there is much much more but i'm going to stop here for now cause i have never done this and i want to see how it works ....so if anyone can help me with this prob...please help i'm going crazy..
I know how you feel...
I really don't know the answer to your question, but I would definitely ask my attorney about it if I were you. I was annoyed that my income was included on the information my husband had to relinquish to the ex's attorney and I totally felt harrassed and exposed. It sucks that someone else has some power in my life. What sucks more is that I feel like I can't complain to my husband about it because I feel like he's already stressed out because of BM. I don't want to add to it, but the anger and frustration is hard to bear. It's the reason I found this site - and it has helped a bit. Good luck!
IF YOU CAN.........
Let me no how!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Jenniferlynn
I'm concerned
When we started the court stuff, all of my money, and property was separate and not included in the proceedings. However, income generated from stocks, even if in my name, and a business that we own, was considered joint. So basically my income was also his. We didn't get all screwed up with this. BM wasn't a gold digger, she wants what she thinks is fair and pushes hard for it but didn't try to screw us. We were lucky.
However, keep talking to people because maybe an llc or some other way of isolating your business. It doesn't sound legal that she has copies of your checks etc. How could the bank release that.
I would want to know:
how she gained access to that private information
What are your privacy rights
what is considered shared property.
Keep asking questions. If you are told "no" find another person until you are satisfied with the answer. There is always another way to do things to make it work. So don't be a victim and let this all happen. Take this into your hands and get some good sound advice.
Any lawyers out there that can help Tiffany Henry?
Step kids disrespectful
My husband's ex is taking him back to court for custody of their children, she lost them 5 years ago. BM hates me and has turned her children against me. The girl is 12 and has completely changed since the new court filing, BM has shared all the court papers that my husband filed in response with the kids. 12 year old step daughter was always been so sweet to me, now she stands up and calls me filthy names , wont do anything she is told and has started failing in school (so she can show the judge she is doing bad in school and he will give her back to her mom, so she says)I am at witts end, I have to restrain myself when she starts in with the horrible name calling. She is so sure she is going to get to live with her mom again and I really don't think it is going to happen, the BM is a flake and my husband has too much on her. My problem is I can hardly stand that kid now after all the names she has called me, I do not ever think things will be the same. God knows what is going to happen when she doesn't get to live with her mom. BM has used every tactic under the sun to destroy me in the eyes of her kids, she has even tried to break up my marriage. I am seriously just thinking of leaving. Any suggestions on how I can make the step daughter stop her abusive behavior and like me again?..Miserable
That should be where your husband...
and as HER FATHER needs to step in.Is he ever around when she does the name calling? If not, record her and play it back to him,I had to do to my SD.Something has to be done about her behavior and her father is the only person who can do that. I know this is not a 'GAME"( but it is to them) it is YOUR LIFE,take a stand.Is it really so awful to just let her go back to her BM? It just might save your marriage AND sanity!
Good Luck,
hangingin
She is 12
The bm may be a flake but she will always be the mother. Since she is old enough she should be able to choose who to live with, you both are causing her resentments. She doesn't want to live at you home.
They will look back and realize
what you have done for them. I'm a bio, an ex with 5 stepsons. They are all grown now, and they all respect me and we still have a good communication even though their Dad and I are not together anymore. But while they were with the BM, she lied to them constantly and talked about their Dad and I. But once they were out of her control and on their own, married, and have families..they can see both sides. That every story has 2 sides. So it is my experience that they will grow up and realize what you did for them, and they will appreciate you for it.
Hanny
Should I explore legal action on my own?
My husband and I have custody of his 3 kids...We have had them for a little over 5 years now and what I am wondering is...
since their mother doesnt pay child support even though she has been ordered to pay $115 a week (over $38,000 past due) and I am the only one that works to support these kids...Can I or should I sue her in civil court?
I mean she owes them and anything I would get would be theirs. She doesnt send any birthday presents and last year they got to split a $10 Walmart gift card between the 3 of them...So if the court wont enforce her support order should I look into going after her some how?
Any suggestions would be much appreciated!!!
Unfortunate:
I've only read a little of this and maybe someone has already said something similiar to what i am about to say. I don't know of any judge that is authorized to court order anyone in any states of the US to visit or take the children on weekend visits or on at any time, even if there are orders allowing her to do so. As far as suing, it sounds like a most definite civil suit for mental anguish that has to cause you sleep deprivation, money that has to be taken from your pockets, not his or any money that is expected of his to be put into yours and his household and the ex wife has to be the cause for your missing work, not the children or her not visiting or expecting to pick up the kids. Six kids, wow, good luck to you.
d'oh!
If I could file for emotional and mental distress...and financial something....I'm sure the lawyers of the world would be SUPER BUSY! Hmm...is that enough for a restraining order...for BM and the SK?
just kidding?
Coping with The X
My husband and I have been together for a little more than 5 years. He had a son 19 years ago with a woman. He came home from work one evening 17 years ago and she had completely emptied the house including removing the heatpump that was attached to the house, the built in appliances and all the furniture. She took the child and he couldnt find them anywhere. I didnt know him then but from our conversations I know he was very disraught about this. Her family member told him the woman moved across country and he lost all hope of ever seeing his son again. Basically 17 years of silence and missing. Recently this woman from his past started calling our house at all hours of the day and night, she wont leave a message, she hangs up if certain members of our household answer the phone and she keeps calling until I answer. Then she makes some terrifying claim of how her adult son is involved in something or something tragic happened. But the conversation is cryptic in terms of 'information' and basically leaves me wondering what is she talking about. Now she has been driving around our neighborhood and sending letters and packages to our house. We have no idea if the young man is even alive...that's how strange the contact with this mother is. She seems to be mentally unstable and has decided that I need to be informed of various milestones or events in her son's life - and like I mentioned I can't even determine if she's telling the truth. We had heard that the young man had died some years ago - so its really creepy.
Somehow, there seems to be a common thread - a mental disorder with these x's - its like they havent faced the reality that the relationship is over and its time to move on. As the new spouse, I have a responsibility to respect my husbands feelings, trust my husband is dealing with this the best way he knows how and also I think I have a right to privacy. I am not quite sure how to maintain that balance when we are dealing with someone who is unstable mentally, obviously insecure and attempting to impose herself on our happiness. I know what I am determined to do - stay calm, remain committed to my family and happy in my marriage and try not to judge this person. I have no idea how I will accomplish that. I appreciate all the posts here to know I'm not alone.
Ex wife
I have been married to my husband(father of 2 daughters)for 7.5 years and it has been tumultuous from day 1 due to unrelenting ex-wife threats and destructive intrusions. I relocated to be near the children as per my husband's wishes. After 2 years, we moved to the neighboring state with the hope that the intrusions would subside. We had the children for weekends and part of the holidays. She found new tactics through her children to get details of our assets and lifestyle.
After 5 years of this madness, I decided I needed to return to my home state where I was most happy. My husband stayed back for a year but she started to obstruct his time with the kids.
A year later, he too moved to where I lived. I don't allow the kids to my home. Instead, my husband made arrangements to fly up on weekends and stay at the local Marriot near the kids' home. Interestingly enough, Marriot has programs for weekend dad's for this specific reason. This schedule went along relatively well until she decided she is going to change the weekend schedule last minute to her whims and later on started to obstruct his weekends again.
My husband eventually stopped seeing his kids and she later obstructed him from talking to the kids. Ofcourse it was very upsetting to my husband and very hard for me watch him get depressed but he stayed cool with his response to his wife.
Ultimately, when she wasn't getting the response she was looking for,she then drew his entire family into her drama. His family has attacked us for not allowing the children to come to my house.
This has once again created new tensions and disrupted our schedule entirely.
I am at my whit's end! I have reached a point I rather just end this marriage as I simply don't have the patience or the desire to stay intact with this much struggle. My husband ofcourse wants to keep the marriage.
Any advise?
Hard Times...
I understand the pain all of you are feeling...I've been married for going on 3 years to a BF; for the first 2 years we were ordered to pay $2,800 in child support and alimony plus insurance, private school, clothing, and all extra activities. My husband lost his job because of the economy but we still had to pay the full amount for over a year because child support wanted "proof" he wasn't making as much. When it came time to adjust child support they included my income and assests that I had before he and I were together. We still pay over $1,200 per month for 1 child. The ex-wife won't let him see the child (we have now moved to back to my home state) and now she has a boyfriend that is verbally and mentally abusive to the child but we can't do anything about it because we are broke and can't afford to pay for another attorney.
I am now supporting my own daughter, my husband, and myself because he doesn't have the income to support us. Before I was married to him I used to be able to buy my daughter new clothes, and she was in dance classes...now I can't even afford to take her to get a hair cut or buy her new shoes. Yet the Ex sends pictures all the time of my husband's son in private school, in karate, in football, in wrestling...I'm so angry that I can't provide for my daughter anymore because I'm providing for her son. I can't work two jobs because my first job is a lot of hours, and I like to at least spend time with my daughter even though I can't give her "stuff" anymore.
Any suggestions I'm starting to feel like I was better off a single Mom, I mean my husband couldn't live on his own if he had to.
Oh, I feel for you,
Oh, I feel for you, M.j.
I've said and thought the same thing about not being to provide for my own FOUR children living with us because WE are forced to pay for my husband's mistakes of screwing some skank. It's very difficult to look in your children's eyes and know that there are things they must sacrifice for their step dad's mistakes.
I begin to wonder if it's fair for them to do without so BM's three kids can have their great lives at our expense.
Something has GOT to be done about the absurd child support laws in this country. It's not "FOR" the kids if it was--the state would NOT take from one family of four kids to give to another family of three kids. Because they're making the first family with kids worse off than the second family.
You know, I was thinking
You know, I was thinking this last week.
You can sue someone for looking at you wrong nowadays and sometimes win. BM has cost Me and MY children a lot and I would think that a good lawyer could GET her to pay ME back for the "emotional distress" & forcing us to live "poorly" because of her THREE kids, well we have FOUR that she is taking away from.
In civil court, of course. I'm curious to find out if any SM has tried and won.. Because you're not sueing for what she's done to your DH, but you're going HER for what she's done to YOU-the pain she caused YOU personally by her actions. And when married you become ONE flesh..etc..so her actions to DH had and do have a DIRECT affect on YOU-the innocent bystander...a casuality of war...Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...anyone have any luck?
I too would like to sue
I too would like to sue either Legal Aid or the ex-wife for emotional abuse.
I met my DH after his wife had already left him. I told him that I didn't want to live with him till they were divorced. He filed the papers, she said she would sign them, and about 3 months later he moved in thinking he would be divorced any day.
However, she did not sign as she said. Instead she got a free lawyer, and the 2 of them set about on a 6.5 YEAR campaign to not agree to anything (even those things in the CS guidelines), ask for ridiculous stuff (like 20K in arrears he didn't owe), everytime he got a raise or changed jobs they would start all over (and he's in construction, so is always changing jobs), agree to things, only to remove them later, accuse my DH of hiding money which we had to PROVE was not true,not respond to us for 4 months at a time, etc. etc. etc.
It was a 6.5 year nightmare, and we were paying for a lawyer this whole time. In that time, we had two children, I bought a house (yes I paid for it all, he was too broke) and just lived life as normally as possible. But it was always in the back of my mind that he was still married to her. He was my husband in every way, but we couldn't get married, and I cried when the kids were born and I realized he was STILL married to her.
I will not marry him now. He is my common law husband and that is what he'll stay. After going through this 6.5 year nightmare, I am terrified because I see how easy it is for the custodial parent to control our lives, and I had saved up money before having kids, FOR MY kids future. I worry that if I married him, she might somehow get her slimy paws into it.
She is good at figuring out loop-holes that allow her every possible cent to be sucked out of us. So my money that I had before him is seperate and always will be. I got a will drawn up to ensure this. I still feel emotionally drained from all her games, as the final divorce only just occurred. I would love to sue, I just don't think I have the energy for that.