Don't know how to handle
Hello everyone,
Saw topics very similar to mine,hopefully will find somebody who will understand and not judge. I have a boyfriend,he has a son who is 5 years now. In the beggining was wonderfull till we moved in together... i was always asking when his son gonna come,if we can play,if we can go out. I changed diapers,I was feeding him,playing with him... After we moved in together - everything changed. Son was with us every second weekend,we both working a lot,no time for anything. Kid started to annoy me,not listening me,I am coming back home - home is a mess. Recently I started to avoid any meetings. If I am at work and I know kid will be till 20:00 - I am coming back home as late as possible,on weekends taking work shifts and so on. If my boyfriend suggests to go somewhere all of us - I will find an excuse. Like I said - first year was nothing like this. It started to happen with me maybe 8-9 months ago...
Also I can mention,that in
Also I can mention,that in the begginingI helped a lot with kid...now I am avoiding anything like I said. I don't know what happened with me. Even if he is mentioning kid - I might get angry. We were celebrating my boyfriend birthday. I prepared romantic surprise. Everything was fine till that moment when he said: maybe tomorrow we can take my son and celebrate all together. I got angry that even for one evening he can not stop mentioning him...
We both had corona. So 2 weeks we were just in bed. No work,no kid. He asked me why I am smilling all of the sudden? I said: because its been a wonderfull 2 weeks for me together... ( How ironic it sounds,we were both with corona ..)
We won't judge you - sounds
We won't judge you - sounds like living with the kid was different than just seeing him when you weren't living together. Is some of this about how your SO parents? Are you getting stuck cleaning up the mess they make? Are you able to talk with him about any of this, or does he get defensive?
I spoke even with my friend
I spoke even with my friend who is therapist about that. So most likely in her oppinion those sudden changes might coming that kids who are around me are not meeting my expectations. Very different raising and so on. Because I never had problems with kids. Plus I was working with them for a while in my life.
But since we moved together and boy started to spend time here etc - I even started to think I dont want my own also..
Before I was doing anything..
Before I was doing anything...needed to clean that mess and so on. My boyfriend did not care about mess at all,but I did. I told him that I am very tired of this. My life is already full of stress. And he took away all those responsibilities from me. But I know he is unhappy about that. He is even getting angry if I am saying that I am not kid mom ( kid has his biological mom). Sometimes he is pointing it out that I dont love her and so on.
Like I said - before it was different. I liked spending time with his son. But it started to change. And actually it changed to that point that now I can not handle any kid. Before I loved kids so much. Now I am avoiding being around any kids ( my boyfriend family and relatives has kids so during family meetings they are always around).
You cannot keep doing this
It sounds like you are at the proverbial "end of the rope" on things.
I would firstly stay and read others posts.
Your boyfriend is expecting you to be the Faux mommy- meaning when kiddo is with dad, you fill in as the mother figure. His expecting you to be that is ridiculous.
You are NOT mommy. You will NEVER be mommy. He needs to get that through his head.
He needs to actually parent this child. Its not your child.
Once when I was in a bad mood
Once when I was in a bad mood I told him this.this is not my child and not my responsibilities to do certain things... he,and kinda some of his family members thinking that if A girl chose a guy with a kid - it is her responsibility also.
So you're getting pressure
So you're getting pressure about this nonsense from his family too? If he's backed up by them this will never get any better. Time to give up. Life is too short to be used by a lazy individual. You deserve so much better.
Point is that I know that my
Point is that I know that my boyfriend is not selfish. I think there are some psychological problems. He is working a lot. I am working and studying. Kid mom also working a lot. Everyone are busy. She is very often asking for help : him,me,grandmothers etc. Most of us dont have time for that at all. He is kinda pushing his kid everywhere and wants everyone to love him or like him. Many times I noticed it. I dont know it some kinda insecurity or something. Once I got angry and I said for him: nobody has time. You have your kid on weekend, but you decided to take a work shift or some important things came up, your ex made plans already,you can not just put your kid on somebody else. Its weekend. People wants to rest. I want to rest. Her grandmothers want to rest. And I can see how he is getting upset. Like I said I think its some kinda insecurity because that kid came to this world in not very good way...it was kinda one night stand and so on.. so I am thinking that he thinks that nobody wants that kid around
It's actually much simpler
It's actually much simpler than that.
This is his child, no matter how he came into the world (and please stop dwelling on that, it's not helping the situation any). He doesn't get to palm him off on other people. The child is HIS responsibility and not anybody else's. It's up to him to organize his life around his visitation, not for other people to do so. He doesn't get to pick up extra hours if his child will be there. His child is not disposable. If he can't cope with him, then he leaves him with his mother (I'm assuming she's the custodial parent?) and doesn't take his visitation. If she can't then it's her problem. There are only two parents and it's up to them to work things out for their child and it's time they stopped depending on other people to pick up their slack.
PS
Make sure you have other plans when he is supposed to have his son so that you are absolutely not available to be his unpaid nanny. He can't expect you to do the work if you're not there. And tell his family and whoever else is whispering things to knock it off and mind their own darn business. The nonsense about "if a girl gets with a guy who has a child..." is utter crap. How about "if a guy has a child he should assume his responsibilities"?
Stand up for yourself because nobody else will.
Thank you for your answers.
Thank you for your answers.
Thats what I am recently doing. If I know kid will be here and if I am able - I am working that day or doing something else.
for
Good for you. If you feel guilty (and you shouldn't), remind yourself that he's never going to learn to look after his son if other people do it for him.
I tried to talk many timed in
I tried to talk many timed in a nice way with him..always ending up fighting when it comes to this topic and when he becomes ironic. Once he said: I wilö go to supermarket to buy food. And he was putting clothes on his son. i said: so leave him with me it will be faster. He: no,I will take my responsibility with myself...
"yes, it's about time you
"yes, it's about time you started doing that."
This visceral reaction to
This visceral reaction to your SKid is not unusual. I went through it early in my relationship with my incredible bride of 26+ years and counting.
At some level it is not natural to have and raise someone else's child in your home and life.
I was watching Animal Planet special on Lions when it dawned on me. A male lion will kill the young cubs of their predecessor when they take over a pride. This does two things. It allows for the pride's efforts and resources to focus on raising the new make's progeny. It also puts the females into estris so the new lion can sow his genetic seed.
At that time I was having what I can only describe asa visceral revulsion to my then GF's toddler.
When that light bulb went off in my head I was able to deal with my reaction to my SS's presence in a positive way rather than allowing it to stew.
I knew that she is the one I wanted to make a life with and for that to happen I owed it to myself, her, and the SKid to be all in as her partner and as his dad. The feelings I had been struggling with were not rational. I enjoyed the kid, he and I had fun together. The three of us were already well on the oath to being a family. My visceral revulsion of SS could not stand. I would not allow it to.
So I made a change. I would hold his hand or put him on my shoulders as we walked anywhere, she and I would swing him between us on hikes, I would chase ducks around the golf course and lake with him. I invested in making memories together with him. 20 years later he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen.
IMHO if you cannot accept this man and his child and invest in both the adult relationship and a relationship with the kid, do them and yourself a favor and move on. Your happiness is worth to much to waste it on a situation that you have a visceral revulsion to.
Good luck.
Thank you for very nice
Thank you for very nice answer. I am trying. But everything is too complicated. My bf and his ex hating each other. She is letting to do for kid anything. No discipline. My bf doing same. Its like a race now..nobody wants to be a bad cops in family so they both doing same and that kid is not listening at all. We came to those terms now that my bf is not even trying to bring his kid at home,staying outside because weather is nice because like he said - I will bring him at home so he gonna start to make trouble. I tried to discipline ( with his permission of course) - but of course its not gonna work. At mom place kid is going to sleep any time he wants,waking up any time he wants, eating any time he wants. He is coming to us - its same. We have routine. But its not working....so my bf recently started ro behave like this: kid is in bed,its 22:00. I am saying maybe he should sleep,enough with those ipads. He is coming to room to do all routine before sleep. Kid is crying and screaming and running. Then he is letting to stay awake for kid for a little longer and in the end kid is staying awake till midnight.
By the way. I dont see my
By the way. I dont see my fault. In the beggining first year I was a mom probably and the only one really raising this kid. And when I started to became very busy with work and stuff ,I want peace when I am coming back home. Also I think main problem is - my bf and his ex are very very different. They living in a different way,thinking in a different way. In the beggining my bf was really raising that kid. Not only playing and feeding. But now looks he gave up on that,he is fighting with his ex like never before. Then after fights with her he is coming back home and putting that anger on me. And then he is afraid that mom is so nice letting to mess around with food and everything,so he will do the same - so kid will love him. And guess who os ending up 99% cleaning all that mess ?
And by the way,when it comes
And by the way,when it comes to his kid,he will be rude with others. You CAN NOT SAY anything negative about his kid. I mean not something bad. If I will say - put other pants on him,these looks to small,he will get angry because you can not say anything about that kid. Same story happened recently,when he was all day with son,I went to work and he went for a night shift so I did not see him. And I came back and house was a huge mess. He was making smoothies,so it was even on wall,furniture etc. He called me ,we started to talk about our day etc and he asked what I am doing. I said that a bit cleaning kitchen because there is something on furniture ( he knows I am crazy about that kind of stuff because home is always perfectly clean). And guess what he said? When I started to say I am cleaning kitchen is a mess,he said: yeah yeah yeah great story. And he cancelled call
Well, he was pretty clear
Well, he was pretty clear there that he really couldn't care less about what you have to say. You've also said that he let's the kid run feral because he wants to "win" over his ex. He has no respect for you nor your space (nor for anybody else from what I what I can see). All he cares about is his precious son that he is raising to be a monster. Don't you think it's time you took off those rose-coloured glasses and saw your bf for what he is, a selfish, lazy Disney daddy who wants everyone else to raise his kid but to do it without rules, structure, criticism, or any other constraint, i.e. HIS way? How much more of this can you stand? You do realize that if you continue down this road, you will have to leave all self respect and self esteem behind, bow down to that altar of his feral kid, and live in a pig sty with someone who has no consideration nor respect for you, don't you?
FWIW, I am not a clean freak, in fact, on the cleanliness scale, I tend more towards "slob" than "clean freak", and there is NO WAY that I'd have left splatters of smoothie on furniture or walls and swanned off to work. I'd have cleaned the stuff up. Seriously. Leaving a mess like that is just plain slovenly and leaving your filth and mess for someone else to clean (at the end of a work day to boot!) is despicable.
With kid before he was
With kid before he was different. It started to change when som became older,started to understand more. So his behaviour started to change.
Its fine,I understand,its a kid. Not expecting rooms to be like in hospital. Upseting part is that he doesnt care at all. After that answer when he said for me : "yeah yeah great story",he calles after two hours to apologize and gave and excuse that he is having a bad day at work.
I dont know I am just getting tired. I was reading many topics here with similar situations. And most of the people always commenting that oh you are a steparent. You leave. Kid is always first. Your fault. In my situation from very beggining I stepped into this with my eyes wide open and I was a great stepmom. Everything started to change when my bf behaviour changed. I became cold towards kid,annoyed etc etc etc. There are way more details in this story which is frustrating.
When kid came into my life also - we made a deal with bf that son will not sleep with us. Never. We both agreed. Plus I dont like anybody in my bed except me and my bf. And yeah of course this deal was broken like all of deals because he said sometimes he wants to have son in bed. I said: I can not sleep. He: he is not disturbing. Me: its not enough space. He: but atleast kid will be cozy.
So he wouldn't mind if the
So he wouldn't mind if the kid was in bed with his mother and her latest boyfriend either?
Honestly, you should never be in a bed with a child that you are not blood-related to. Not ever. When he brings the kid in, that's you cue to leave. Every single time.
I did that few times. We
I did that few times. We ended up fighting that I am rude,I am selfish etc etc
Ummm, no, you're realistic.
Ummm, no, you're realistic.
Because kid is sleeping
Because kid is sleeping always with mom. Never in his bed. And when he is here - we having a huge fights because he just can not sleep alone. He is crying himself while falling asleep or just jumping out of bed. We asked his ex to put kid alone in bed because its better etc. She said no.
I don't think the issue you
I don't think the issue you have is with his child (son? daughter?) I think it's easier for you to assume you do not like the child when it's actually your partner you're falling out of love with.
I never had problems with him
I never had problems with him. never. It started year ago when everything started to piss me off. When we are together - everything is fine. But son is coming - and he is like a different person (in a bad way)
Why I am saying that this is
Why I am saying that this is because of kid..because since last year it started. Everytime he is coming - my mood going down. Everytime if he will come and I will not be informed - I will go crazy. But while we are only two of us - I am happy..and I dont understand. First few years wasnt like that....
I dont have my own kids.
I dont have my own kids. Maybe I dont understand many things. But like I said - first few years was perfect. Only year ago I started to avoid certain things and I dont know whats going on. I want to talk with bf about this so bad,but I know how it will end up...
Then why prolong the agony ..
Then why prolong the agony ...?
I love him and just trying to
I love him and just trying to make things work. I wish he could hear me atleast