Legal agreement neccesary?
I recently married DH and his 9-year-old daughter. DH and BM had SD as teenagers, were never married and never drew up any legal documentation about custody. Personally, this scares the hell out of me because I'm worried that BM could simply move or take SD away and we would have no recourse. BM and DH have gotten along so far but they have very different parenting styles, and as SD gets older and problems get bigger I don't see how this civility will last. My parents are divorced and their legal custody agreement was the only thing that has kept them civil for the past 20 years. I want DH to get a legal agreement with BM establishing joint custody, but he doesn't want to. Since we have SD roughly 80-90% of the time (BM is a bit of a deadbeat), he says that any legal agreement of joint custody would leave us having her less, since BM would be legally required to have her for a certain amount of time. Plus, courts generally side with the mother on these kind of issues and he's afriad of being left with only visitation. I'm also concerned about BM someday getting pissed off or having an argument with DH and suing for child support, for the future and for years past (neither one has ever paid the other child support).
Not having a legal custody/child support agreement makes me very uncomfortable and leaves too many unpleasant possibilities for me, but it's not my decision. Any thoughts on what we should do? Do we need a legal agreement now or do we wait until/if something happens that forces us to get one?
No, a legal agreement isn't
No, a legal agreement isn't necessary but it could avoid future headaches. If DH has had the child 90% for considerable amount of time (6 months or longer) the courts will factor that in. Biomom has likely lost her right to primary custody. I would wait and see how well BM does with you being a bonafide step-parent. More often than not, a new wife in the picture ruffles the feathers and makes the Biomom want to modify things.
BTW, Biomom can't move out of state with the child no matter if there's a legal doc in place or not. A friend of my stepwife had something terrible happen to her. After she and her husband decided to separate, she took herself and her kids to visit the grandparents in another state. She got a call from the police saying that if she didn't have those kids back home in 24 hours she would be charged with kidnapping. She did return with the kids but she lost her custodial rights immediately and had to gain the trust back with the courts.
The Biomom you're dealing with doesn't want to be that involved in her kid's life so I doubt she's a flight risk. She decided long ago which parent was best to raise her kid.
Congrats on your marriage!
Hey, I totally understand
Hey, I totally understand that uneasiness you feel. And StepChika is right about those ruffled feathers!!
In my case, DH and BM have verbal agreements different from the Divorce Agreement for many reasons, and it has come back to bite us in the ass many times after we got married. BM will agree to one thing one day and then change her mind (usually to get more money) and hold the threat of court/loss of kids always over our heads and DH usually has to cave in because he has no written proof. I live in fear everyday that our lives will be hijacked.
That said though, this weekend I basically terrorized my DH to get her to agree in writing to the existing visitation schedule, since they were finally having a written child support document to settle the verbal agreement. Now I think I went too far in pushing my DH to do something for our peace of mind, because she was so pissed off that he had the audacity to want to add to the document that she might just call the whole agreement off and take us to court. My fight for peace of mind has led us to an even worse position and I really regret it now. My DH knows better than me how unreasonable she is. It's a sad situation for me, I sometimes think he's not willing to fight for me but it's more that he'd rather not ruffle her already oh-so-ruffled feathers because she is a manipulative, controlling witch.
In your case though, your DH seems to be in a much better position should the BM decide to rear her head. My (novice) advice would be to document as much as possible, so that if it ever comes up there is proof of the % time you have the kid, proof of anything BM does that would make her an unfit mother, proof of your stable family routine etc.
Congratulations on your marriage!
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