How to protect ourselves from paying more support?
Hi all, I desperately need some advice while DH and I are waiting for our appointment with a lawyer. Here is some background and an explanation of the situation: DH and I have been married for one year, together for four. Combined we have six kids, four for him, two for me (DS15 and DD13). Both of mine live with us 50% of the time. All but one of his are adults, and this situation involves his SS16. MOU states we have him every other weekend and Tues/Thurs for a few hours. Over the past year he's become more resistant to spending time with us because the expectation at our house is that we hang out as a family as opposed to everyone constantly being away spending the night at their friends' houses (occasionally is fine, every weekend we have him - not cool), everyone who sleeps there, dirties dishes, uses the toilet, etc has chores and everyone has to be polite and respectful (to the degree you can control this with a bunch of teenagers). At his mom's house he does no chores, hangs out with his friends whenever he wants and just generally runs the show. She's too busy trying to be popular and run her drama with the boyfriend of the moment to bother with him.
Anyhoo, DH facilitated his getting DS's driver's license earlier in the summer as well as arranging his first job. He told DS that he could use our spare vehicle - an older truck - as transportation to and from work until he saved up enough to buy himself something else. On the very first morning he had possession of the truck he called DH and claimed that another truck had run him off the road and made him crash. He was fine, but the truck was damaged. He was on a dirt road where he had no business being, and claimed it was a "short cut" that he'd been taking to work. Upon examining the truck DH determined not only that DS had been going to fast on the road and lost control - lending suspicion to his version of events - but that DS had in fact taken the truck to our local reservoir to hang out with his friends (the parking tag was still in the truck) the night before the accident, so we're not entirely sure that the accident actually happened when DS claimed it did. DH was livid and read the riot act to DS, who then went crying to his mother claiming that DH was verbally abusive to him. He wasn't - DH has an excellent relationship with all his other kids who know him as kind and loving, but firm when needed. In subsequent conversations with DS it became obvious that BM was coaching him to bring up other "incidents" with DH that involved things between DH and BM's marriage that no teenage boy should know about. DS used these things to claim DH has "no respect" for DS and BM and as an excuse to start missing all his visitations with us. His language with his father is extremely disrespectful and hurtful to DH, who is bewildered by the sudden refusal to see him. This has gone on for a little over a month now. DS is also claiming he has no money to pay for the over $800 in damages to the truck, making vague excuses about things he had to pay for to start school with. This in spite of earning a substantial amount of money with the summer job his father got him.
We're fairly certain BM is using this as an opportunity to drive a permanent wedge between DH and DS so that she can take DH back to court for more child support. She's threatened to do so several times in the past and is a mess financially. She's constantly pleading poverty and DH pays for almost everything "extra" that DS needs, in spite of a hefty child support payment every month.
I personally would be fine with just leaving DS and his useless mother alone for a good long time, but at the same time I want to be taking any and all steps to help our case in the instance that we do go back to court. DH is going to a counseling session with DS on Friday, but we aren't holding out hope that it's going to change much and it's an extra expense that we can't continue to shoulder for long. I'm just wondering how/what kind/how much effort DH should be showing and documenting to help us in the long run. If anyone has any experience with this sort of thing and has had success with resisting attempts to extract more child support we would appreciate it very much.
Mustange 99 percent of the
Mustange 99 percent of the time I agree with you but this time I do not.
There are parents who violate court orders on a weekly basis and yes they go get rewarded. An example might be "
Johnny doesn't want to visit dad eow.andHe said it is just to hard on him he told me he would rather be here with his friends and CHURCH FAMILY. THOSE are his feelings and we MUST think of his feelings. It's in his heart and Johnny wants a relationship with dad (never ever say to a judge Johnny doesnt)but dad is strict and Johnny feels better with me I guess and he is growning UP now and has his friends and activities. mmmmmm, I just don't know what TO DOooooooo I tried to tell Johnny he really should go do dads but 'what cha gonna do"?
bingo,
Happens all the time Mustang.
You are already at the
You are already at the minimum time so Custody time won't effect CS. It will depend on state calculators for DH's income. Why is your DH rewarding SS by paying anything over CS if the skid is refusing to come?
You all are putting my mind
You all are putting my mind at ease, so thank you. DH has been sending texts to DS each and every time he's due for a visit and confirming that DS is refusing the visitation, so that's all documented. We will start texting BM as well so we can document that she's not facilitating the visits. Although, DH always does the pick-ups so really, other than encouraging her son to skip, her behavior hasn't changed.
Simifan - we haven't given him any money since this all started, I think he and his mom are bright enough to know they're not getting jack sh*t until he pays us for the damage he's incurred.
Anyway - thanks for the responses, you all are always such a helpful bunch!
EOWE with twice weekly
EOWE with twice weekly dinners for a NCP can still have child support amended due to the number of overnights in a year, in my experience, in Colorado. Someone is likely keeping track of actual overnights, not just scheduled overnights. Document, document, document.
Use the child support calculator on the state website.
Encourage DH to keep asking, and keep asking, and keep asking. He is the adult so even if his feelings are hurt and he wants to run off and pout because his child is mean, rude or ignoring him, DH should still maintain communication. So what if it is a one-way conversation for now. There is a crazy thing called: Snail mail. DH can drop SS a postcard besides just sending a text or snapchat. The boy will likely read emails or any other correspondence even if he chooses not to respond.
DH needs to think long-term --- does he want a relationship with his son and does he want to meet his grandchildren? Instead of constantly asking for something from his son (attendance w/in household rules), perhaps DH can flip it around. Quick notes about what DH is doing; something DH saw that made him think of his son. Things that he wishes HIS father took the time to talk to him about.
All good points Indigo. A
All good points Indigo. A more difficult path, but ultimately probably more fruitful. Thanks for the perspective.
Not much help in your current
Not much help in your current situation. I know that it's frustrating. Remember to document but don't waste your life trying to change other people's approach to life or parenting style.
If she wants to take you to
If she wants to take you to court for money, make sure she knows you intend to countersue for full custody and child support from her due to her violation of court order and custodial interference.
Since BM is the one
Since BM is the one instigating the failure of SS to comply with the visitation schedule it is time for your DH to nail her ass to teh wall. Each and every time SS fails to visit in compliance with the Custody/Visitation/Support CO DH needs to file a contempt motion against BM.
See how she likes feelig some consequences for her manipulations.
As for SS.... he gets no say in whether or not he visits. Until he ages out from under the CO or the CO is modified he visits as ordered in the CO.
As for documentation.... document everything and save it. Over the 16+ years we lived under my SS-24's CO we amassed a notable amount of information that repeatedly came in handy with managing the manipulative behaviors of his SpermClan. Recordings of court hearings, recorded telephone conversations (check yout state laws to make sure this is legal. In Texas it is legal to record any conversation you are a part of without having to notify any of the other parties to the conversation), answering maching messages, letters, email, arrest records, PI reports, etc, etc, etc.....
One of the tactics that kept them fairly well in line was outlining for them that if they pushed the issue to court what would be presented in the court to potentially become public record.
If BM and SS are reasonable then work with them reasonably. If they are not.... Do what you need to do to protect yourselves and correct their unreasonable behavior. And have fun doing it. }:)
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.